


i never thought i would want you

by swaggeroni



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:09:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 32
Words: 97,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28498830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swaggeroni/pseuds/swaggeroni
Summary: spencer reid x readerbased season 5-10not canon
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss, Spencer Reid/Reader
Comments: 16
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I dont know how long this fic will be, i really feel like doing slowburn  
> y/n: your first name  
> y/ln: your last name  
> h/c: hair color  
> h/t: hair texture (curly, wavy, straight etc)  
> h/l: hair length  
> e/c: eye color  
> s/t: skin tone  
> im making our height 5"6 just cuz 😜  
> I AM GUNNA TRY AND MAKE THIS AS GENERAL AS POSSIBLE WHEN IT COMES TO LOOKS   
> this isn't going to be canon to the show, i might have to change some things 
> 
> lowercase is intentional
> 
> i dont own any of the criminal minds characters 
> 
> idek if im gunna make this BUT IF THIS ACTUALLY EXISTS I HOPE U GUYS LIKE IT
> 
> ʕ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ 
> 
> update: i don't know where this story is going but there might be a lot of back and forth. sorry not sorry. 
> 
> also some chapters will be case oriented because the plot just might not make sense without it. sorry if that bores you :/

TW:violence, panic attack, mentions of school shooting, depictions of self harm 

you have always felt average, not boring, just average. you don't think you are anything special and everyone has just been lying to your younger self. all throughout high school you felt like you were just watching the lives of others, simply observing the things around you. you have always been observant. people were always telling you how intelligent you are and how you could do so many things with your intellect. talk about a burnt out gifted kid. 

nothing really ever piqued your interest, you just felt so adequate at everything you did and didn't feel the need to strive to do better. you did ballet to the age of six, then you did gymnastics till you were thirteen. you played piano and participated in recitals until you were sixteen. sure you enjoyed it but you wouldn't say you were passionate. you could never commit to anything and you thought that was your worst trait, right behind being emotionally unavailable. 

one thing you could a hundred percent say you loved, was reading. reading was amazing to you, it was like living a new experience within just hundreds of pages. you feel like you have lived and learned so many things just from reading. from Tolstoy to John Green to fucking Dr. Seuss, they never seized to amaze you. not only are books wonderful, it is also the atmosphere it gives you. no one bothers you when you're reading, no one can say anything. you feel safe in this little world while everyone else thinks you're so responsible and worldly when you're actually just escaping. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

when you were seventeen you were a hostage in a school shooting. your school wasn't bad or anything, it was fairly under-budgeted like all public schools, but it was decent. they had good sports, clubs and activities but let's just say you knew student mental health was never a priority. you had noticed him before, his name was Owen, you knew pretty much everyone in your school because you were good at making mental notes. he was quiet and he always wore long sleeves. 

you guys had one class together, chemistry. senior year you were taking chemistry with Owen who was a junior at the time. he had a rough time, it was obvious. you had never seen his mom and his dad was clearly abusive. you wish you had done something or even just been a friend but you never took the steps. no one ever checked up on him and he was constantly being picked on and ostracized but you couldn't stand up for him. all you wanted in high school was to be left alone so there was no way you would say anything. 

FLASHBACK

fuck... fuck FUCK 

this can't be happening. Mr. Cane had turned the lights off, so this must be real. your hands and feet feel numb, your panic attack was already starting. your breath felt caught in your chest as if you were never going to breathe again. 

"calm down y/n, think rationally and pay attention to what's going on around you." 

you started to slightly come down from shock and just realized people were crying. you look behind you all twenty four of your classmates were sobbing in the dark and crouched in the corner back of the room. you didn't even realize you were huddled up in a ball until you felt a girl hug you for comfort. you didn't care though, you were too busy disconnecting from reality over all the possibilities. looking up to see your teacher sitting in front of everyone under the desk with his finger up to his lips, trying to quiet people down, you lock eye contact with him - which you never do - and oh my god you have never been so scared. his pupils were filled with fear and uncertainty, you could tell just from his face that he didn't know if he could keep you guys alive and that scared the fuck out of you. your heart started beating out of your chest and into your throat. your ears were ringing and you felt like you could vomit. you hated not knowing what was going to happen. 

suddenly, there was a bang on what was probably the lockers, causing your head to snap towards the classroom door. you then heard a door getting kicked down and screams from the other class. then there was a shot. more screams. and two more shots. there was a thud. a body had fallen. you felt yourself disappearing. you couldn't believe what was happening. that's when you saw him, Owen, through the little square window in the door. that was when you realized you knew what you had to do. 

you snuck out. yes, you knew it was so fucking stupid and you probably would have died but it just felt right. while Mr. Cane was trying to comfort and quiet other students, you crawled through the desks and made your way to the door. you slowly opened the door and squeezed through and slowly pushed it shut. 

you were most definitely going to be in huge trouble for this. 

you walked up slowly smoothing your h/c , h/t hair out of your face and taking a deep shaky breath. 

"Owen," you whispered, he quickly spun around and let out an exhale that seemed like relief, as if you relaxed him but you didn't know why. " what's going on, talk to me."  
he paused for a moment. "i can't take it anymore. all of them need to know the pain they put me through. they are all sick fucks and they deserve this." 

he slightly raised his voice and you quickly looked down to see the rifle he was holding. you could also see the faint red scars all over his arm and your heart broke for him in that moment. you look back up and make eye contact with him. 

"i see you're hurting" you slowly spoke, "i see how they hurt you, and you're right but they don't deserve this."  
his face turned from deadpan to a frown " yes they do!" he yelled causing you to jump slightly.  
"no they don't, think about it. if you kill them, you let them go and this will continue to happen. they will just be set free and nothing will get done. no one will be punished." you calmly walked towards him, trying to keep a quiet demeanor. you knew what his logic was and you understood what he was feeling. maybe if you change his reasoning he will give up.  
"you're the only one who has never hurt me..." he whispered so softly and forced a grin toward him.  
"see? there is hope, Owen. just slowly drop your gun and we can walk out of here and get this sorted. i'll be there for you, i promise." you meant it too. you were gonna watch something get done yourself. they were going to get Owen help and you would make sure of it. he looked up at you and his eyes were red and stained with tears, his face pale with sorrow. 

he dropped the gun and ran towards you and before you could react his arms were wrapped around your waist, digging his face into the crook of your neck and sobbed. he cried so hard, he was in so much pain you cried with him and hugged him back. He held you so tight for a moment and then you slowly pulled off of him. 

you offered him your hand and he took it. he continued to sob as you walked down the dim corridor towards the front entrance of the school where you started to realize the police sirens that were blaring. as you're walking you turn to the left and see that everyone had been staring through the class doors. 

you hated the attention so much, in that moment you felt like running but that wasn't important. you pushed open the school's entrance doors and looked up. you realized it was still bright outside and the sun stung your eyes. you squinted towards all the police cars and then you turned to Owen. his hand was sweaty in yours and he was squeezing so hard. you were weirdly at peace. the next thing you know Owen was snatched by a police officer, you were disappointed you couldn't know where they were taking him but you knew it had to be done. you look behind you to see the whole school just watching. 

in that moment you hated them, you hated everything. the system, school, the fucking midwest for their loose gun laws. you were exhausted. 

END OF FLASHBACK 

that was how you decided you needed to have a career in helping people and also studying them. understanding human behavior became fascinating to you. that's why you decided to join the BAU, to use your tools of understanding and observation to help people and try to make the world a better place. 

oh you were so naive. you had no idea what kind of monsters the world consists of. you thought you saw the worst of it when you also witnessed it in your own family, but you dont want to think about that right now. 

when you found about the BAU it felt perfect, it felt so right. everything else you did didn't quite fit as much, you still loved it but you knew you could not pass up this opportunity. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
ʕ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ  
your alarm rang through your ears interrupting your sleep. 

"ughhhhaa fuck." you groaned as you rubbed your eyes and stretched. you slowly sit up and look down at the mess in your room. the mess in your was clearly a projection of the unsorted problems you had going on in your head but, as always, you chose to ignore it. you would think being good at psychoanalysis would solve all your issues but it honestly didn't help, it just made you feel bad. after thinking over your life choices and wondering if you have wasted all your time, you finally get up at 6:30. you technically didn't need to be into the office until 9:00, but you figured it would be better to get an early start instead of lazily lying in bed. 

dirty clothes were scattered all over the floor, used cups and plates piled on your desk from all the late night snacks you had. . 

"tomorrow y/n, we are cleaning. tomorrow." 

you looked at your phone calendar and to-do list. your first interview with SSA Aaron Hotchner is today, you have been prepping for this for so long. you knew you basically had the job already but this was a chance to leave a good impression on him. you wanted to show him that you could and would be a valuable member of the team. you push yourself out of your bed, not bothering to make it. you were cleaning tomorrow, anyway. 

your grandma would have never let you hear the end of that, but you don't have to think about that because thankfully that bitch is dead. 

you walk into your bathroom and strip off your PJs, going into the bathroom and turning the water up to scolding hot in the shower because you're a touch starved psychopath. you let the water run down the top of your h/t hair and down your back. you love the feeling of scalding water running down your body. as you scrubbed your body with your blueberry and coconut scent, you think of all the ways the interview might go. 

"does it matter what i wear?" " should i change my voice?" " am i allowed to make jokes? we make jokes when we are uncomfortable and he will see right through that, he is a profiler. maybe i should be myself... but is that enough?" 

after your quick shower and overthinking you step out and wrap an old gray t-shirt over your sopping wet hair and swipe the foggy mirror. 

"you got this y/n, you've wanted this job for a while and you earned your spot there. you're cool, calm, collected and you'll fit right in. don't overthink it." 

you know the last part is a lie but why not try and convince yourself? you dry off and rub lotion all over your clean skin. you take your hair out of the t-shirt and comb your fingers through your damp h/c hair, bringing back into a low ponytail. it is the best you could do. 

you quickly walk over to your closet and put on your black underwear and a nude bra. you tug on your mid-rise black trousers and grab your white blouse with thin blue stripes and proceed to button it up and tuck it into your pants. you head over to your vanity and put on your pencil eyeliner along with mascara. you throw on some blush because you think it makes you look pleasant to be around. you wipe on some lip tint and a lip gloss and stare at yourself for a moment. you look pretty, you have always been pretty but you don't appreciate that enough. 

you spray your perfume on and grab your phone, purse and keys and walk out the door. you liked your apartment complex, your place was a small and cozy one bedroom. you were able to afford it and you had a nice landlady. 

you walk down to the parking lot and unlock your Toyota corolla. you fucking love this car, it's just so long lasting and the fact that its the first big purchase you made on your own was a huge deal to you. 

you check the time and see that it is 7:30. you drive out of the parking lot and head to the BAU's quantico hq. by the time you get there, it's 8:30 because there was fucking traffic. you had road rage, but who can blame you because people suck especially when they're driving. 

you head into the building and get your visitor pass from security. you get into the elevator and when you exit you are greeted by a pretty blonde lady. she is wearing a grey sweater with a black skirt up to her knees. 

" hey! i'm jennifer jerau, people just call me jj. i'm guessing you're the one who has an interview with hotch?" she smiles at you, she has such a kind voice and you feel like you can trust her already, which is rare for you. 

"yep, that's me. i am y/n y/l/n. i know i'm a little early so should i sit and wait or..." 

"oh no, you can head in right now actually, he isn't busy and i know this is a quick interview. don't tell him i told you this but you basically have the job already. " she sounds so excited for you and it's honestly making you excited and less nervous. 

"oh okay, i guess i will go see him now then." you still felt under prepared even after all those good things she said and you wish you could save those extra twenty minutes. 

"okay! follow me" the blonde beamed as she beckons you to follow her towards hotch's office. 

here's to hoping you make a good impression.


	2. Chapter 2

jj walks you up the steps of the BAU's bullpen heading towards the unit chief's office. god you were so fucking nervous, those were definitely the slowest and most taunting thirty seconds of your life. the blonde reaches for the wooden door handle and whispers "good luck!" with a wide grin on her face.

you force a quick smile as a way of saying thank you and enter the office when she opens it for you. you see agent hotchner flipping through a file, presumably yours, waits until he notices you. he folds it shut and puts it into a desk drawer.

"agent y/l/n, take a seat." he directs his hand towards the chair facing his desk. gosh he was so intimidating, he looked as if he had never made another expression in his whole life. his voice was low and serious, you were already terrified.

"thank you, sir." you softly respond as you take a seat. you instantly cross your right leg over your left- that was the formal thing to do in this situation, right? you were suddenly so aware of your arms and how you felt like you had no idea what to do with them. you decide to clasp them together on top of your knee.   
hotch's eyes flicker down to your hands, probably noticing your awkwardness. he looks up and makes eye contact with you.

"i have been reading over your file, so far you seem extremely qualified, well done y/n."

"thank you, agent hotchner" you timidly respond as you give him a quick grin.

you really are proud of yourself, even though you like to doubt yourself , you have always been determined when it came to your career. you weren't going to let your insecurities stop you from making the world a better place. well as much as you could at least.

"please, call me hotch." he says with kind eyes. he is probably trying to make you less nervous and it's working. you relax your shoulders a bit and let out a soft sigh.   
"okay." you say a little more confidently.   
"now obviously i have read over your file and seen your history and record. you have a BA in psychology and another degree in medicine from Boston University. you worked as a social worker for the domestic violence unit here in DC so i'm sure you have good experience when it comes to families. i am also aware that you helped take down a big pedophile ring and you're very quick on your feet."

you feel overwhelmingly validated and weirdly uncomfortable. you should probably start being nice to yourself. it was weird hearing your achievements come out of his mouth, it made you feel like a badass.

"however, i want to hear from you. what makes you feel like you have a place on our team and what would you bring to the table." he raised his brows in anticipation of your answer and clasped his hands in front of him.

this where you really came in. you basically spent all of your adult life preparing for this whether you knew it or not. you straightened your posture and quickly clear your throat, changing your demeanor to show how sure of this you are.

"well sir, ever since high school i have always been very curious about human behavior. it was like a personal passion of mine. i tend to notice patterns and try to figure out the reasons for them, cause and effect as well. they say you don't understand human behavior until you know why a child will wave to their parents every time around the mary-go-round and why every time, the parents will wave right back. i also think that there is more to catching criminals then just getting them caught red handed. if we can figure out and learn the reasons for their crimes and try to find an understanding, maybe we can prevent it from continuing to happen in some way."

you let out a soft chuckle before continuing. realizing how excited you're getting. you were such an optimist when it came to anything but yourself.

"anyways, before i get too carried away, what i am trying to say is that i am very serious about this position. i promise to be a valuable member of this team and i think i could provide a good set of skills. i am very good at talking down unsubs and i can be helpful when it comes to dealing with families." you take a soft breath and slow yourself down. "i would be really honored if you would consider me for a part of the team. i think im qualified and i would love for you to give me the chance." you smile once you've finished your little speech and your eyes break eye contact with him, feeling a little embarrassed.  
"thank you, y/n. that was impressive and i can tell you are passionate about this which is obviously important for a job like this." he sternly says to you.

you let out an exhale of relief, your happy about his response. as soon as you begin to relax he speaks up again.

"now obviously you know i have looked at your career record but we should also discuss your personal one. i've read about what happened to to your parents and i th-"

you feel the blood drain from your face and your veins run cold. your eyes briefly widen and your whole body tenses. you hated thinking about that let alone talk about it. to be honest you were still enraged about everything that happened, even though justice was served, you were still not okay with it. you felt vulnerable whenever anyone would try and discuss it with you.

"i don't think that it's necessary for us to talk about it, it happened when i was younger and though it was traumatic it's been handled and i much rather move on." you spoke so sternly and you were breathing erratically. heart had dropped to your stomach and you refused to go down that road.

hotch clearly noticed your behavior and he squinted his eyes and at you for a moment. he then quickly nodded his head in agreement and pursed his lips.

"alright y/n, well if that's all you have to say, i think this meeting is over." he spoke with a straight face and a monotone voice. he sounded almost disappointed? you didn't mean to be rude or anything. now you were panicking, you didn't know if you had messed up your chances.

so you made a last minute decision to try and prove yourself, you profiled him.

"your wedding ring, you keep rubbing your finger around it." you say it quickly with a blank face. 

"excuse me?" hotch furrows his dark brows in shock slightly but continues to keep his composure.

"you keep toying with it. if i didn't know any better i would say your marriage is in danger but clearly it has already ended. you keep looking between the photo of your son and your phone, anticipating any updates about him. i'm guessing it's your wife's turn?" you were definitely out of line and went to far. you just didn't know how else to show him that nothing would hold you back from doing your job. you couldn't profile yourself, that would be a disaster.

"okay y/n, it was nice meeting with you. you may leave now." he stood up and reached his hand out to you for you to shake. you pressed your lips in a thin line and stood up as well. "thank you, sir." you shook his hand and walked out the office.

once you exited his office you headed down the stairs, seeing jj waiting near the steps.

"so! how do you feel? are you happy with how it went?" the blonde excitedly whispered to you.

"well, it definitely went." you chuckled and jj giggled with you.

as jj was about to speak, you didn't really hear what she said because you saw this tall guy with hair up to his neck. he was so fucking gorgeous. like holy shit. you fully turn your head to get a better look. you watch him sit down at his desk and take a sip of his coffee. his jawline was so sharp that it was still there when he would look down. his lips were red and they looked so soft and kissable. he had a cute little nose and his eyes looked like they were in deep concentration. he was wearing a striped vest with a tan button up underneath. he had on grey slack pants and white socks with brown leather shoes. he looked angelic. you have never reacted that way to someone before you even got to know them.

"...y/n?" you finally realized jj had been talking.

"hm? wat- oh ya! sorry what were you saying, i spaced out for a bit." you quickly responded and went back to look in her direction. trying to avoid flipping your gaze towards the guy at his desk.

"uh ya, for sure. you just "spaced out"." she gestured air quotes at you and had a sly smile on her face. she started wiggling her eyebrows. to be honest, you didn't need to be a profiler to notice how hard you were staring at him.

"so you were checking out spencer huh?" she spoke with a cheeky tone.

"what who is spencer?" you tried to play it off but your giggle sounded really forced.

" dont play dumb! i saw you" jj started to giggle and bounce a little bit.

"jeez, will you be quiet!" you whisper shouted at her and started at her with a furious expression but your eyes were playful.

"okay okay sorry..." you and the blonde both take a deep breath.

"he is wayyy out of my league anyways, i'd rather just, admire from a distance you know?" you gestured your hands out in front of you and avoided her gaze, you were suddenly nervous. you felt like someone was watching you suddenly.

"well, there won't be much distance. spencer is on the team." jj was smiling so hard and her eyebrows were raised. you were much less excited. your eyes went wide and you felt blood rush to your ears. you felt so awkward you realized you should probably go.

"okay im going to leave now it was nice meeting you, bye!" you quickly say goodbye to jj and start speed walking towards the elevator. how were you going to work when it was going to be right next to spencer. now that you knew his name, it was going to be hard to forget your initial attraction to him. you did not want any feelings to develop.

\--------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N   
> i dont know how to feel ab this chapter, i feel like it was boring only up until the end? idk let me know ig.


	3. Chapter 3

\--------------   
the next two weeks were filled with anxious anticipation. after the first week you could justify why hotch had not called you back yet but after that it got difficult. finally, he called on monday saying he wanted you to come in on tuesday to start on all your paperwork and then you were officially apart of the team on wednesday.

you were so relieved and excited. you were starting to worry you had actually scared him off. maybe his was impressed? either way you start work wednesday.

\------------   
you wake up at 8:00am and start getting ready, brushing your teeth and washing your face. you put on work clothes and grab your purse to head out the door.

when you get off the elevator into the office, you notice a couple of people walking up the stairs and entering the room with a big round table. that must be the BAU team. they were so intimidating and you know that they're nice but you can't help but be nervous. you were going to be depending on these people.

you walk up to hotch's office and knock on the dark wooden door.

"come in." he replies and you push the door open.

"good morning y/n."

"good morning, sir."

after you guys finish greeting each other, you get straight into all the boring job stuff you have to do whenever you transfer. there is also all this legal stuff and hotch says you also have to take a field test. which you no one ever likes but it shouldn't be too bad.

"okay so a lot of the time we deal with paperwork when there is no case. we have all this information that needs to be filed in the system because we must document everything. i think it would help if you had a member of our team show you how to work the system." he explains it to you very straightforward, you knew that there would be a lot of paperwork but you didn't mind, it felt like meditation compared actively searching out serial killers and finding victims. 

"reid is going to help you navigate everything since you guys are closer in age and i think he will be very helpful." hotch's hand gestures towards the doorframe and your head has never turned so fast.

there he is standing in the doorframe. reid's fingers are fidgeting with each other in front of him and his lips are pressed into a thin line, presumably an awkward smile. you never realized how tall he was, there he was just standing there in front of you as if he wasn't the prettiest person you have ever seen. oh god and you were going to be working with him one on one. what if you got attached and started developing feelings? he would never like you back because you aren't supposed to feel that way about coworkers plus, no one ever liked you.

he walked up towards you and put his hand up in a wave. your grateful he didn't put his hand out to shake because you wouldn't be able to handle that.

"hi, you're y/n right?" his voice soft and gentle, he was so cute. he even spoke a little awkwardly. he looked really young, he could be 20 and you wouldn't question it.

"yes that's me, it's nice to meet you reid. i appreciate you helping me out." you couldn't hold eye contact with him and your hands were held behind your back. you couldn't even control your micro expressions around him.

"agent y/n, you can join reid back at his desk and get started. reid tends to go a little fast so just ask him to pause whenever you need. we want you to be comfortable here." hotch spoke with a sincere tone in his voice. you guessed he was probably happy that he decided to put you on the team, which boosted your confidence a bit. you looked back towards reid and he had a faint blush on his cheeks and you could tell he was biting the inside of his cheek. was he nervous? he was cute when he was nervous.

you and reid both exited the office and walked down to the desk.

"are you nervous?" he asked you with curiosity

"i- i mean ya kinda. new job and all." you answered awkwardly. god why was he asking you this. this would be a lot easier if he didn't talk.

"oh well don't be, everyone is super nice and welcoming and penelope is going to be so happy that there is another girl on the team. we have been lacking in the estrogen department for a while." he chuckled at that last part and you looked up to see a genuine smile on his face when talking about his team. he must really love them. when you didn't laugh it must of made him nervous because his facial expression completely changed and he started to ramble.

"not that it matters or anything! there is no real difference other than physical between men and women. though some studies have found that the female brain is larger than the male brain but that doesn't necessarily affect intellectual capabilities. any sort of disadvantage i-"

"its ok! i understood what you meant, and it is always nice to have an even amount of men and women. it is just more satisfying in a way." you were giggling and really holding back too. he looked so worried about making you uncomfortable it was hilarious. he really does talk fast but you like fast talkers.

"right." his head hung down a bit and he sounded really relieved. 

you and him sat down at the desk and you suddenly noticed how cramped the area by his desk was. he got up and offered you his seat since you were going to be using the computer and he sat on a stray chair.

the whole time you guys were going over reviewing, documenting and recording files, you couldn't stop your mind from drifting to the feeling of his knee against your thigh. how whenever he would reach over to point to something you could smell him. he smelled like a library with a small hint of mint. he smelled clean and his hair looked soft. you felt like such a creep, this guy just wanted to do his job and follow his boss's orders. he surely did not want to spend his work hours with the newbie. you suddenly felt bad and you got enough of his explanation that you felt like you could figure it out anyways, you were pretty tech savvy.

"i can go if you want, i think i understand everything now." you gave him a quick smile and stood up and began to walk away to your newly assigned desk.

"oh, let me know if you have any questions." he sounded really kind and sincere, you felt bad for taking up his time.

once you got to your desk you realized you had nothing to do because you technically don't start work till tomorrow. you stared at the computer for a few minutes and decided to go down to your car and get some decor for your desk. when you got back you walked past spencer and you guys made brief eye contact. he looked almost surprised but also glad to see you walk back in. was he disappointed that you left? that doesn't really make sense.

you made a note to yourself not to think about him in that way anymore. you had grabbed a small stuffed pikachu toy and set it on the table. you also stuck a photo booth picture of you and your brother, axel, up against the computer- you'd have to get a frame for it soon. you grinned at yourself, you thought the little set up was cute and simple. you also grabbed five books and put them into the bottom cupboard under the desk. eleanor & park, the first harry potter book, pride and prejudice, cold blood and the painting of dorian gray. these were your favorites and you could go back to them whenever you have free time.

"you've read the painting of dorian gray?" you heard spencer from behind you and you yelped a little, he caught you so off guard and when you had turned around he was already so close to you. he had probably bent down to take a look at the books but you felt like everything was in slow motion. you could feel heat rush to your face and you felt frozen for a second. you took a deep breath.

"sorry! i didn't mean to startle you. i just noticed you were pulling out books and i got curious. not that i was watching you or anything i just-" he was freaking out and honestly so were you. you laid your hand on your chest and interrupted him.

"its okay spencer," you chuckled, you relaxed a little bit and so did he. and for the first time you felt like you could look him up in the eye. his hazel eyes stared into yours.

"and no, i haven't read dorian gray, i just have it here so people think i am refined and wordly." you flashed him a huge smile. it must have been an awful joke because he cocked his head to the side and raised his brows. he looked so confused.

"you know im joking right? this book is actually one of my favorites. it taught me quite a bit about myself. " his face lit up and that was probably now your new favorite thing, watching spencer get excited.

"though the book is about morals, there are many people who think the book was a manifestation of oscar wilde's own internalized homophobia." he ended his statement with an awkward smile.

"i totally agree! i mean there were many signs that oscar wilde was gay himself."

"exactly." he said it with a full smile, teeth and everything.

"okay well i don't want to hold you up from anything-"

"oh ya you're right i should probably catch up on some work." he said reluctantly and gestured towards his desk.

after three hours of familiarizing yourself with the new desk, you grabbed your purse and headed to the elevator. 

"bye y/n!" you heard spencer call after you. you turned around and gave him a quick wave. not wanting to spend anymore time with him that you didn't have to. you didn't need either of you to get attached, well mostly you.

\----------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N   
> i kinda disappointed with this chapter. i promise to make y/n more interesting and im just rlly distracted by family stuff cuz christmas :)


	4. Chapter 4

\------------  
when you got home you had one of those sudden bursts of energy, it was probably due to your new found optimism. you walked in and dropped your stuff by the apartment door and you realized how messy you had left it.

you decided you would clean. at first you just did the basic stuff and next thing you knew you were deep cleaning the whole place. it felt pretty fucking good. you sat down at your small cherry wood dining table noticing your stomach grumbling.

"i guess i suddenly have an appetite again..." you went to your fridge and grabbed the paper that had the chinese restaurants number on it. you ordered dumplings and sesame fried tofu with rice. you took a shower and got into comfortable clothes and by the time you were done the doorbell rang. you were so excited about the food that you were fucking skipping to your front door. you swung the door open with money in your hand until the person on the other side of the door was someone unexpected.

"spencer!?" your face fell and you were so shocked you closed the door on his face.

\----------

SPENCER'S POV 

at first spencer was not looking forward to helping you. he strongly disliked meeting new people. human beings are very unpredictable and he didn't like that. that was one big bonus of being a profiler, was that he could predict others behavior.

when hotch told him you were coming in and that you were going to need his help, he really did try to protest.

"why can't jj do it!?"

"because reid," hotch started, giving him a stern look. "you're an actual agent, jj is a media liaison. if i wanted jj to do it, i would've asked her. we aren't going to discuss this further." hotch gave him that look and reid knew it was over.

"fine." he answered begrudgingly. he exited hotch's office and purposefully left the door open just to be petty. reid speed walked over to his desk and a minute later jj walked up behind him.

"heyy spence." she spoke suspiciously to him. he took this opportunity to ask why she wasn't helping the new girl.

"jj, why won't you help the new agent? you guys have already talked, she is surly more comfortable with you then with me. " spencer was actually annoyed, he really felt cheated in this situation.

"because, spence, you know i am not an official agent im just the teams liaison and hotch asked you not me." jj seemed really amused by how everything was turning out and he didn't get why. was just because she liked watching spencer be uncomfortable.

"also, i think she already likes you. she told me so herself yesterday and i can tell you guys probably have a lot in common." reid scoffed at that statement. how can she like him and they have never even talked. he did see her yesterday but she looked so busy. she looked like the type of person whose brain was a million miles away at once. reid was the same, but thats not what mattered.

"you're definitely exaggerating."

"okay maybe i am but that doesn't mean i'm wrong. i know my stuff." jj playfully raised her eyes and nudged spencer in the shoulder.

"whatever." reid decided he would ignore her for now.   
\---------------

reid walks up to hotch's office the next day and opens it to find you and hotch talking.

hotch had pointed at him and suddenly your face was turned towards him. your (h/l) (h/c) hair framed your face nicely. reid noticed your eyes, your (e/c) eyes were so beautiful and it was like there was a whole story behind them. your lips were plump and pinkish. you looked like you had the softest skin he had ever seen. you were wearing dark gray trousers and an eggshell white button up short sleeved blouse.

after reid finally spoke up and introduced himself. he noticed you suddenly seemed very on edge. was he doing something wrong? you said it was because of first day jitters and he thought he would offer some information to make you feel more at peace. he tried to make a light joke but you didn't laugh and he got really nervous. more nervous then usual and he couldn't figure out why.

when spencer finally gets around to showing you how to do paperwork it actually goes pretty well. you guys were so close to each other though and it was weirdly intimate for him.

"i can go if you want, i think i understand everything now." you suddenly spoke and stood out of your chair. god how he didn't want you to leave. it was as if he forgot you were going to be there tomorrow.

"oh, let me know if you have any questions." he tried not to sound too disappointed as he watched you walk away.

thirteen minutes later, you got up from your desk and took your purse with you. he guessed you were leaving and he didn't know why he felt sad about it, as if he should've used his last thirteen minutes talking to you.

when spencer saw you enter the office again his heart leapt a little bit. he had barely spoken to you and wondered why he was so excited. you had books in your hand and a little pikachu stuffed toy.

spencer was so curious about what book you had gotten. to be honest he was excited to have someone else who liked reading on there free time to be on the team. spencer got up to ask you about your new set up and didn't even realized that you probably were not expecting to have someone be watching you.

he was worried that he had weirded you out already but he was actually happy with the way his conversation with you went until you suddenly ended it right as he was about to say something about the book cold blood.

\---------   
"hey garcia?" reid entered penelope's "bat cave"

"yes! what can i do for you my fine furry friend?" garcia was as bubbly as ever, it was great being around her, she was like the only bright colorful part of his job.

"can you search up y/n y/l/n? she's the new agent and hotch wants me to drop off some case files for her so she is already caught up by tomorrow, i need her address." that was a lie, they did have a case tomorrow but he didn't need to drop the files off early, she could've been briefed in the morning but y/n didn't talk about herself much. she clearly wasn't much of a sharer so he thought maybe seeing her place would give him an idea of who she is.

"no problem! this should be pretty easy. i am so excited by the way, you have no idea how glad i am the team is going to be an even boy girl ratio! me, jj, emily and now y/n! i can't wait to properly meet her. i hope she likes me." garcia rambled on about you as she typed up for your public info.

"everyone likes you garcia."

"yeah you're right, i'm awesome." garcia flashed him a grin. reid was telling the truth though, he had no idea where the team would be without her.

"woah... she is pretty." garcia turned up to look at him after finding your ID picture.

"um yea... uh thanks garcia. see you tomorrow." reid quickly got out of the room after taking one swift look at the address. the eidetic memory was a blessing, and a fucking curse.

\---------------

Y/N POV 

once regaining your composure, you quickly stepped into the hallway and closed the door behind you. you didn't need him seeing your apartment.

"what the hell are you doing here reid?" you chuckled as you said it. you were still in shock but you think you might of hurt him because there was a small pained expression on his face.

"i uh- i came to- to drop off these files. we have a case tomorrow and hotch would like you to take a look at the case's files so we wouldn't have to brief all over again in the morning. i uh also made some notes for you. just to show you where my head was at and what theories i had."

reid quickly rubbed his brown hair out of his face and handed you the files. his eyes were darting everywhere except yours. you knew he was lying, or at least painting over the truth a little bit. you had a feeling hotch didn't ask him to do it but it was probably a good idea anyway.

you suddenly became aware that your hair was damp and you were wearing athletic shorts and a tank top. you wanted to run and hide, but you also wanted to shove him into your bedroom. what was up with you around him? you were definitely just super lonely.

"oh uh, thanks so much actually. i really appreciate this, good idea spencer." you took a quick peek at the case and smiled up at him.

"it was uh- it was hotch's idea actually." his voice cracked and he cleared his throat. him being nervous made you feel less nervous in a way, it was like the tables kept turning between you two.

"okay sure, spencer. i'll see you tomorrow, goodnight." you gave him a sarcastic smile and walked back into your apartment, and locked the door behind you. you threw the files onto the counter and ran your fingers down your (h/l) hair.

you were suddenly so upset, you crouched down on your floor and you began to cry.

\--------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N   
> I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THIS IS GOING, yolo ig.


	5. Chapter 5

you cried all night. for what? well many reasons. you missed your hometown, and then you missed your family, mostly your brother. when spencer left you also realized how long it has been since you have had someone over. you were so lonely, you have been lonely since you left high school and you just noticed it now. then you thought about how you were going to be looking at dead bodies tomorrow, it's not like you hadn't done it at your old job but it just hit harder this time.

after you ate your food that finally came, you went straight to bed.

\--------------

you got ready and headed to the BAU and you got there at 9:00am. when you got there you already knew the profile on the case. a man had escaped prison and was on a killing spree. since you were not cleared to go on the field yet, hotch asked you to stay behind with the tech analyst, penelope garcia. you guys were going to try and actively track the man's location.

hotch directed you to garcia's office. when you walked in you saw a plethora of screens. how did she do this without her eyes burning?

"hello sugar! what can i do for you to- OH MY GOD you're y/n!" you guessed that garcia was not really expecting you because when she heard the door open she thought it was another member of the team. she ran towards you as fast as her heels could take her and didn't hesitate to wrap you in a big hug.

"you. have. no. idea. how. happy. i. am. that. you're here!" she practically squealed into your ear as she swayed from side to side. she finally pulled away and you got a good look at her. she had her blonde hair in loose space buns and there were light red streaks in her hair. she had the biggest smile you had ever seen, it made you smile. she had on red lipstick and blue eyeshadow. she was wearing a wildly colorful dress and dangly earrings with meadow mushrooms on them. she had a lot of crystal rings on too. you honestly were envying her style.

"uh ya that's me. how did you know what i look like? i didn't see you around before." how did she automatically know it was you, she didn't even ask first. you were a little out of breath from the sudden physical contact. you didn't like being touched but you thought you'd make an exception for her.

"oh well i sort of used my mystical powers last night and did some light investigating on you. nothing too deep i promise! i just get really impatient and curious.... sorry." she looked actually really ashamed. it wasn't too big of a deal, sure you felt a little violated and exposed that all your information was at her fingertips, but she said she didn't dig deep.

"it's okay, as long as you didn't see what i think you saw. then i'd have to kill you." you spoke casually and roamed around her office a little bit.

"what... OH oh well you could murder me any day hot stuff." garcia joked back with you and winked. you started dying of laughter and began to feel a lot better than you did this morning. frankly, you felt awful this morning. you were feeling lonely and worthless before. you were so home sick you actually felt nauseous. being around garcia made you feel way better.

"speaking of things that are absolutely delicious," you threw your head back in laughter. "i made cookies! so we can just sit in here and eat them while everyone else actually goes out and does stuff." garcia gave you a cheeky grin and you both sat down in front of her computer. you suddenly began to tear up. you knew exactly why, you haven't had anyone do something that nice for you in a long time.

"thank you so much! you're honestly a lifesaver and the sweetest." you really did appreciate what she had done for you. you turned away from her to sniffle. you felt like you actually belonged here. it was a strange but pleasant feeling and it was extremely overwhelming.

"are you okay,sugar?" penelope dropped everything in her hands and cradled your face with her palms.

"yeah, yea im fine i just-" you looked up to stop the tears from overflowing. "i think i'm really homesick and that's just- thats the nicest thing anyone has done for me in such a long time..." your voice cracked and you continued to try and sniff your feelings away. you hated getting mushy. it always killed the mood. you felt so gross in that moment but there was no way to hide your feeling when you were literally crying in front of her. this definitely was an awkward moment for you.

"hey y/n?" garcia whispered to you and you locked eyes with her. "you are going to love it here and i know what it feels like to miss people. trust me, i promise it will pass, okay?"

"ya you're right, thanks again." you blew out a sigh, "alright let's get to it."

you and garcia continued to track the unsub's location and you would give her tips one what to look for. in between calls from the team you guys had a great time and it was honestly a lot of fun. the team was able to finally catch him and talk the unsub down. he had nothing to lose so he just went off the rails.

after the team got him in custody and flew back, you had paperwork to do. you reluctantly said goodbye to garcia and headed to your desk. jj came by and dropped a pile of files on your desk.

"hey y/n, how is your first day going?" jj turns to you and leans on your desk.

"it's honestly going really good. garcia made me cookies." you smiled widely at her as you began flipping through paper work.

"yeah, she is the best."

"who is talking about my baby girl?" you heard the voice of a man coming from behind you. you turned around and saw a tall muscular man walking towards you. he was really good looking and you could tell he knew it too.

"hey, morgan."

"hey jayje." he paused for a moment and then turned to you. he put his hand out in front of you and you put your hand in his. you expected him to shake it but instead he brought the back of your hand to his lips and kissed it. you were so taken aback that you didn't know how to react. you just stared at him with wide eyes.

"hey, i'm derek morgan." he cooly introduced himself.

"uh hi, i'm y/n y/l/n." you dropped your hand into your lap and turned to jj. "is that how he treats all the ladies?"

"honestly, yes. he flirts with everyone and that's how he always gets his way." jj playfully rolled her eyes at him.

"woah woah. don't hate the player, hate the game." morgan put his hand up in protest and gave you a wink. you were giggling so much, you couldn't even focus on the words on the file.

"morgan, are you bothering the new agent." you heard a woman call from the front of the office. you couldn't lie, she had the hottest voice ever.

"hi, i'm emily prentiss. sorry if morgan is being weird, he likes to shoot his shot with every woman in the office." you shook emily's hand and quickly took in her appearance. she was wearing a red long sleeve turtle neck with black mid-waist pants. she also had on black boots. her hair was raven black and she had bangs. she was really attractive.

"hi im agent y/n y/l/n. it is really great meeting all of you." you were having a good time getting to know everyone personally and you could already tell what kind of dynamics the group had. you would honestly feel really awkward and left out if everyone wasn't so welcoming.

everyone was talking and giggling until they heard hotch from the stairs telling them to get back to work. he used a voice that kind of said "or else" so no one complained. by the time you were finished it was 6:30. as you stood up from your desk derek walked over to you.

"hey pretty girl. want to come and have drinks with us tonight?"

"i uh- i don't know. i'm not really a fan of going out for drinks. another time though?"

"yeah sure i get it. you and pretty boy are wallflowers." you didn't know who pretty boy was but you didn't bother asking, you just wanted to get home.

"ya, well good night. see you tomorrow and good job on the case today." you walked to the elevator and said your goodbyes to everyone. as much as you knew you needed a social life, you couldn't give up being alone.

"wait! hold the elevator please."

\--------------

you could swear that this elevator ride was the longest one of your entire life. just standing there with spencer as he continued to mess with his tie and collar.

"what are you doing over the weekend?" spencer suddenly asked you.

"wha- oh uh nothing i guess? i'm still new to the area so i'm probably just going to chill at home." he nodded his head and then you paused and reluctantly asked the same question.

"what are you doing this weekend?"

"oh, i'm actually going to this korean film festival. it's playing at the park near my place and i've been wanting to improve my fluency in korean."

"no way i love foreign films!" oh gosh you were going to geek out on this guy. you should've held your tongue.

"really? well you can join me on saturday, if you like. "

"oh no you don't have to do that, thanks though. maybe we can take a rain check?"

as soon as you said that the elevator door dinged and you quickly walked out of there. spencer was making it so hard not to develop feelings for him. you knew that the team members regularly hung out together outside of work as friends but you knew if you did that with spencer, you wouldn't be able to control yourself.

\----------------

two months later and you had passed your field exam and renewed your gun license. you were officially able to fly out with the team which meant having a go bag and calls in the middle of the night. sometimes you questioned whether it was worth it or not. you plans were never solid because some psycho would decide to murder innocent people so it was hard to have a reliable social life. then you remembered that you were probably helping a lot of people in the long run and that kept you going.

today you guys got briefed on a case that was all the way in LA. hotch had called and let everyone know to bring their go bags. apparently there was a trail of bodies of young women and they were all left with only approximately three pints of blood in their bodies. this was strange, whoever this unsub was he was extremely mentally and physically ill, and by now it was starting to show.

when you first got onto the jet, you couldn't hide your surprise. who the hell was budgeting us?

"seriously guys, who the fuck is paying for this!?" you were gawking at the private jet and your eyes were wide. you almost forgot that the whole point of the jet was to catch monsters.

"language, agent."

"sorry sir." you felt heat creep up to your cheeks and you hung your head in embarrassment. everyone else was snickering at you and reid was looking at you with this dreamy expression on his face. he was probably just daydreaming.

"well i do pay for part of the bureau's funding." rossi speaks up and you look at him with your mouth wide open.

"what! that's crazy, so you're like Italian mafia rich huh?"

"i can't say. otherwise i'd have to kill you." rossi made a gun gesture and pointed it towards you.

at this point everyone was snickering, you even heard hotch chuckle a bit.

\-------------

once the jet got close to landing, hotch began assigning each of the team members tasks. you emily and reid were going to be at the precinct. hotch and rossi were going to take a look at the victims and jj and morgan were going to be talking to witnesses and victims' families.

"hey reid? maybe you could take some time to see that girl lila again." morgan smirked at reid he clearly knew what he was doing by mentioning this lila girl.

"oh yeah, what ever happened between you and lila archer?" emily chimed in

"guys, i think we should really focus on the case here." reid instantly shut the conversation down and you were curious and also weirdly furious. so what if reid got with a pretty actress in hollywood? it was none of your business, right?

"wait lila archer!? the actress?" you spoke in disbelief. you were suddenly so pissed and now you hated this girl, when she had done nothing to you.

reid was blushing and wouldn't speak up. "ya we worked a case where she was being targeted and her and reid had a thing." jj informed you.

"wow." was all you could come up with. you felt this cloud of insecurity creep over you.

\---------

you guys solved the case within a week and a half. turns out this woman called gina was a schizophrenic and she was also obsessed with this musician's vampire persona, dante. she had created some sort of ritual in her mind that she felt like she needed to sacrifice other women for him. she even killed her own best friend. this case wasn't the worst, the fact that you could even say that was awful but it was true. luckily this wasn't a case that would keep you up at night.

"drinks tonight, 8:30?" derek announced to the team.

"yes!" penelope, emily and jj all spoke at the same time.

"what about you, y/l/n?"

"you know what, i think i will actually join you guys this time." you gave morgan a grin. you actually had the energy right now and felt like trying something new.

"yeah, i think i'll join you guys also." spencer suddenly joined in which was unexpected. from what you heard, morgan has asked spencer a multitude of times and has come up with an excuse for everyone.

"woah pretty boy, change of heart?" morgan clasped spencer's shoulder and he tensed up a bit.

"uh- yeah, i guess so."

"great! see you guys there."

you turned to reid and cocked your head to the side. "i thought you didn't like going out for drinks?"

"i don't but i feel like a change for once." and then he fucking winked at you.

you thought you imagined it because he walked away so fast. he left you there blushing until you realized it was just you and hotch in the office.

on the way home you couldn't stop thinking about how he looked at you, and other things. how his eyes would look as he stared up at you from between your thighs. how perfect he would be inside of you......so much so that when you got home to get dressed there was a wet spot in your underwear.

"jesus fucking christ. " you mumbled to yourself. you decided to ignore it.

you showered and got changed into a black slip dress that went down to your knees. it wasn't tight enough to be scandalous but the thin straps still made it hot. you did a simple smokey eye look and headed out the door.

maybe you would get lucky.   
\-----------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N  
> LOL IDK WHAT IM DOING um trying to slowly increase the sexual tension in here. im kinda basing this story on how i would think my relationship with spence would evolve so ya.


	6. Chapter 6

when you got to the club your anxiety spiked when you realized you couldn't find your friends at first. you honestly were getting nervous, but then you hear your name being called.

"hey! y/n!" you heard emily call after you.

"hey whats up you guys?" you saw derek standing next to garcia and then you see spencer step out beside him.

"hey reid." you smiled sweetly at him and he smiled back.

"hi." there was a beat of silence between the group.

"alright... well we are getting shots." morgan orders shots for everyone, even spencer which you were shocked to see. you all took them at the same time. spencer's face scrunched up into a disgusted expression and you took your shot smoothly.

"is this your first time or something?"

"no but it is absolutely terrible, i can't believe people do this willingly."

"well it gets easier as you get drunk." you began to feel yourself slowly growing tipsy as the alcohol entered your veins.

slowly everyone started to spread out throughout the club. morgan was talking to girls and jj, penelope and emily were dancing. well it was mostly jj and emily and then penelope with some guy. jj and emily had some serious tension. you hummed to yourself at your thoughts. it's not that you didn't like dancing, you loved it, but you didn't feel like doing it around a bunch of drunk sweaty people.

"what are you thinking about?" you turned to look at reid.

"i don't know, nothing really. what about you?" you knew he was always thinking about something. his brain never shut off. you wondered if he ever felt tortured by his genius brain. part of you wanted to cut him off when he asked you what you were thinking about but you couldn't help but take the opportunity to get to know him.

"how uncomfortable this whole place is and i am not sure why i came."

"well since you're here we might as well get you drunk!" you shifted your body to face him.

"oh i don't think-" you stopped his protest by yelling for the bartender. you ordered two rounds of shots for both of you.

\----------

you were drunk but reid was totally gone. he still rambled off and some how remembered all these facts that your drunk ass couldn't stop listening to. it was clear that his capability to function physically was impaired though. he almost fell off his chair many times and kept on slurring his words. he was laughing at everything you were saying and drunk or not it was still a beautiful sound. it was nice seeing him relax.

"how is your brain still functioning right now?" you were giggling so hard. you almost choked on your own breath.

"i mean i still remember things andistillhavethoughsgs they just- just don't come outsoeasily." he hiccuped. you realized you had to be the responsible one now.

"can i get another shot?"

"ya sure reid." you got him another one and then you made a mental note to cut him off from any more.

"heyy, can i get you a drink?" you turned to your side to see a half drunken man looking at you with a smirk on his face. you saw spencer's head snap up from the corner of your eye.

"oh uh, thanks but no. i'm good."

"awww c'mon. just one drink? or we could go somewhere else if you like." the man winked at you and you felt so gross. why did this shit happen to you?

"it's still a no. i'm really not in the mood." you tried your best to ignore the guy.

"loosen up a lil. what are you so-"

"she said no man!" you heard spencer get up and yell at the man. spencer started walking closer to him and you put your arm on spencer's forearm.

"it's okay spence." spence? you have never once called him that. maybe it was because the nickname would make things seem more domestic so the guy was more likely to leave you alone? that was probably why.

"sorry man! i didn't realize she was your girlfriend."

"she told you no and that should be enough!" reid yelled after the guy but he had already walked away. you were cackling. you wish you could take it seriously but you just couldn't.

"reid, i said it's okay." you chuckled lightly.

"ya well it's not with me." he stared off blankly for a moment.

"y/n?"

"yeah?"

"i don't feel good." he then proceeded to throw up on the bar floor.

\--------------------

you got spencer some water and then you found jj and emily and told them you were taking spencer home. you went outside and asked reid for his address. he didn't live far from you, maybe five minutes away. it made you feel good knowing you knew someone that was walking distance away. the cold had sobered you up a little bit so you knew it was a good idea for you take him home. you called you and him an uber as you tried to hold him up as best as you could. he was way taller then you, he probably would've knocked you over if the uber didn't make it.

"why did you call me spence?" reid suddenly asked you. you hummed in confusion because after all you were also a little drunk so you forgot that you had a whole conflict with a stranger.

"wah- oh...that? 'cause i wanted the guy to think we were close so he was more likely to leave me alone if he thought that."

"ok."

you guys left the uber and you asked spencer for his satchel bag so you could take out his keys. once you enter his apartment, the huge shelf in his living room immediately catches your eye. it is like its own library. you were going to have to take a look at it later. there was a brown leather chair near it that had three books stacked on the side table. the narrative of john smith, edgar allen poe poems and eleanor & park. you never took spencer for someone who would read eleanor & park, he always said he liked to stick to classics. you were glad he read it though, it was one of your favorites. perpendicular to the armchair, there was a gray couch that faced a small tv. behind the living room was the kitchen, it was all super neat. probably because it was unused, you could tell spencer didn't cook for himself.

you gently drop this six foot one man on his couch and he immediately shifts his body to lay down. you let out a heavy sigh to seem annoyed, you honestly thought it was cute how tired he was because he never seemed like he got sleep.

"spencer come on! i need to get you to bed."

"y/n, come sit next to me." he groaned and lazily patted the couch.

you crouched down to his ear and whispered, "wouldn't you much rather be in your soft bed with pillows and blanket?"

"no, sit." he whispered back to you. you really felt like you were invading sober spencer's privacy. you sat down on the couch and spencer moves his back and wiggles on to your lap. you immediately felt a warm sensation surge through you from his touch. his brown hair was softly ticking your legs. it felt like all of your lower body was suddenly very sensitive. you wondered how he had this effect on you and it wasn't even intentional.

he turned to look up at you, "you're beautiful."

well that came out of nowhere. you couldn't stop the blush and smile that came onto your face. he said it like it was a fact and not just subjective. like it was a scientific observation that had been tested, that you were in fact beautiful. you hated that he wouldn't remember this and you would. sober spencer would never say or feel that way about you, fortunately or unfortunately? you weren't sure.

"uhh thanks i don't really know what to say right now spencer, you're drunk."

"drunk words are sober thoughts" he reached up to your face and lightly touched your (h/l) (h/c) hair. again, it felt like slow motion. you felt frozen in a good way. you felt like you couldn't stop him if you wanted to. he started to bring his face closer to yours and gently guiding your chin with his hands. he left out a shaky breath and you could smell the liquor and you remembered you were both drunk. he was nearly blackout and it just didn't feel right.

"spencer, we can't do this right now..." you sat up. you were suddenly stone cold sober.

"why don't you like me?" he blurted out, his face looked full of hurt.

"what? reid of course i like you, we work together."

"no no, every time i try to have a full conversation with you, you suddenly will cut it short. it always seems like i'm getting somewhere with you but then you pull away. you call me "reid" to make things impersonal. don't think i don't see it. y/n, i want to know you, can't you see that?" spencer looked you in the eyes waiting for your reply. you should've denied it, you should've said that he was reading into things. but when he looked at you like that, you couldn't lie.

"why would you want to, spencer?" you sounded timid and insecure, because you were. how were you supposed to be friends with someone who makes you feel a certain type of way. it was all or nothing with you. how were you going to hang out with him and keep yourself from reaching out to touch him? you would never violate his boundaries or anything but you couldn't deny that being around him but not with him would be painful.

"because, you're actually funny, without making fun of me, you get along with everyone. you actually care about what people have going on and what they think. you like learning new things. we like the same things but we are different... in a good way." your heart was beating so fast in your chest. you bit your lip to hold back your smile but it didn't work.

"i also love your smile." he smiled back with you and then suddenly his eyes began to flutter shut.

"spencer.... spencccceee." you poked his chest and then you realized he was out cold. you exhaled deeply, preparing yourself to lift his head off your lap. you leaned over and pulled off his shoes and laughed at his mismatched socks.

you crouched down to level with spencer's face. you gently strokes his hair out of his face and tucked it behind his ear. "goodnight, spence." you whispered. you pulled yourself up and your exhaustion hit you like a fucking truck. your drunkenness must of also clouded your judgement because you began to snuggle into the armchair, tucking your knees into your chest. you quickly fell asleep.

\-----------

you stifled awake and you felt your lower back cramp. you were covered in a knitted blanket that you don't remember seeing. you blinked and yawned as you slowly came back to reality. you were in spencers apartment, on...an armchair? the memories flooded back to you and you felt so embarrassed. spencer had probably forgotten everything but you couldn't help feeling uncomfortable with yourself. you rubbed along your temple and brow bone trying to soothe yourself. you were still groggy from getting drunk and not drinking any water. you look to your right and see a glass of water along with a small pill, probably an aspirin. under the water there was a small note.

you picked up the aspirin and swallowed it down with water. you read the note that had a rim of water stain on it.

"y/n,

i woke up before you so i thought i would go and buy some pancakes from down the street. we both drank a lot last night and we need to eat carbohydrates to help with the hangover. feel free to drink some more water until you feel better.

spencer."

you stared at the chicken scratch writing. awww spencer was going to be bringing you breakfast. wait! spencer would be bringing you breakfast. what if he remembered last night and wanted to talk about it? you knew it was unhealthy but you hated actually confronting the way you felt with other people. you would much rather let it pass over and be forgotten. or just not deal with it and pretend it doesn't exist, otherwise it would become real. you probably got that from your dad.

"shit shit shit." you quickly grabbed your heels and racked your brain on whether or not you should leave. you paced in his living room and bit at your fingernails. he went out to get breakfast for you. he was caring about your physical well being. he even left you some aspirin and was kind enough to leave you a note so you wouldn't freak out. on the other hand, he had an eidetic memory. he probably remembered things clearer than you had, and he would probably want to talk about it...

you grabbed a piece of paper from the notepad and wrote a message.

"spencer,

thank you for taking care of me but i have to go home and get ready. i'll make sure to eat carbs and drink water. see you at work.

thanks, y/n"

you made the walk of shame out of spencer's apartment building and called an uber. except there was nothing to feel shame for. you hadn't done anything, and you weirdly regretted it.

\-------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \-------   
> A/N   
> i actually liked making this chapter. y/n is emotionally unavailable lol.


	7. Chapter 7

TW: some angst? kinda?

the next two weeks at work were... okay. you didn't know how to act around spencer at first but as soon as you realized that he forgot what happened, things slightly went back to normal. you continued to avoid him though, sometimes you would just spend all your lunch time in penelope's office because you knew spencer liked to be in the break room. you just wanted to give him space, well mostly you. you needed to get a grip on yourself. what would happen if you did actually let yourself like spencer? you hated rejection but even if he felt the same, what would come of that? spencer didn't seem like the relationship type, you weren't sure you were either. there was so much risk that came with being emotionally involved with a coworker, especially in your job. even though you were good at compartmentalizing your feelings, you couldn't deny that it could still possibly cloud your judgement.

"what's going on with you and spencer?" penelope asks you as she takes a sip of her tea. you are sitting next to her in another desk chair eating a sandwich. your legs are on top of her lap as she types away on her computer playing some game.

"what do you mean? there is nothing going on with us."

"that's what i mean. there is nothing there anymore, you guys haven't geeked out about anything in a while. you've somehow avoided making any sort of contact with him in these past weeks. nothing. zero. nada. what's going on?" she turns to look at you expecting your answer.

you take a bite out of the sandwich and use chewing to stall. you let out a deep exhale through your nose.

"i don't know to be honest, i just kind of want to give him space?"

"why would he need space from you?"

"the night i took spencer home from the bar, we sat on the couch and he called me beautiful and just said all these really nice things about me...." you couldn't believe you were admitting this to her. penelope was just one of those people it was really hard to lie too. she was so pure and kind that it felt evil to lie to her.

"y/n! that's awesome. it takes a lot for spencer to say that about someone. he must mean it! oh my gosh you guys are going to be so cute. i can see you guys living happily ever after already ."

"slow down pen, he was drunk when he said it. and just because he said those things doesn't make it true or- or even means that he likes me in that way. he could just be caught up in the moment. i just don't feel like talking about it with him. he even went out to get me breakfast and i fucking left before he got back..." as you said it you got quieter, you felt extra bad when saying it out loud.

"oh my god! you ditched him?"

"i know penny! it's so bad and i feel guilty but he hasn't said anything so maybe he doesn't really care." you took your legs off her lap and began fiddling with your fingers. hearing what you did said back to you, you felt like a total asshole.

"oh trust me, knowing spencer. it will come out in other ways."

\----------

a week later and you guys had another successful case. just another misogynistic psycho that you got the pleasure of taking down yourself. after you and the team get back from the jet, you make your way through paperwork for three hours straight. hotch announces to everyone that they should go home and anything else could be caught up tomorrow.

you gladly grab your things and head to the elevator. spencer soon steps in after you but he doesn't even look at you or acknowledge you in anyway. you sense the awkward tension and you decide you would finally apologize. no matter how you felt, it wasn't fair to be an insecure coward.

"hey spencer, i just wanted to say i'm sorry for walking out on you that day." 

"it's okay. i know you were busy." he didn't even look at you and you could tell he knew you weren't actually busy. you had some errands but nothing that you were in a rush for.

"yeah... well maybe i could make it up to you sometime? like we could grab breakfast this weekend or whatever." you looked up at him hopefully and he finally turned to you right as the elevator door dinged.

"sorry, sweetheart. i'm busy, maybe we could take a raincheck?"

then he walked out leaving you standing there with your legs feeling like jello. the nickname he gave you made you feel slightly light headed. it struck you right in your core.

he knew what he was doing, he used your own line against you. you never knew spencer reid was petty but you should've seen it coming with the way he was acting this whole week. he was too calm about it, he never questioned your behavior once.

you rolled your eyes and let out a heavy sigh and started walking towards your car.

\--------------

you couldn't stop thinking about him. you were suddenly so sexually frustrated and your thighs kept trying to clench together no matter how much as you tried to control yourself. there was something about his self assurance that really gotten to you. he knew exactly what he was doing and you fucking loved it. you kept squeezing your hands around the steering wheel as if you were trying to strangle it. the whole situation was humorous to you. you were so pissed at spencer for doing something that you had done to him. you wanted to avoid him, this was for the best right? the idea of you two having breakfast together was so cute and domestic, it would probably be suffocating.

when you get to your apartment door you slam it shut. you even scared yourself and yelped.

"y/n, you have some serious anger issues." you growl at yourself. you brought some paperwork home with you so you could have barely anything to do tomorrow. you would probably just spend the whole day bothering penelope in her office. 

or you could continue playing spencer at his game......

\-------------

the next day at the office it was a pretty light paperwork day. everyone was just working on cold/old cases so there was a lot of time for conversation. penelope had even come out of her office.

"guys guys! look what i found..." penelope came running towards derek's desk as fast as he blue heels could take her where everyone was standing around. she was holding a picture of something.

"i present to all of you, madame prentiss." she shows all of you a photo of emily in high school junior year. as soon as you got a glimpse of what it was you snatched it from her hands.

"holy shit.." you chuckled as you got a closer look of emily with jet black hair that looked like it had been teased and then sprayed with copious amounts of hair spray to keep it in place. she was wearing blackish greenish eyeshadow and black lipstick. surprisingly she was smiling in the photo.

you turn around to emily, stifling a laugh. "so you were like, the ultimate punk rebel girl huh?"

emily quickly sat up from the desk and tried to grab it from you. you quickly jerked your hand back and derek came and took the photo from behind you.

"woah prentiss, i am honestly not surprised." 

"hmm? so there was a time when looking like this was socially acceptable?" reid walked up next derek.

"oh you're young." penelope answered.

you looked over to spencer and grinned a little bit. it was nice when he made jokes, it didn't happen often. he was insecure about people finding him annoying and you couldn't blame him. sometimes the things he said got unfairly pushed aside and it was infuriating. you were actually curious about some of the information he knew.

"ha ha. very funny guys." emily snatches the paper. "wow. i really went to school like that?" her face scrunches up a little bit in disgust.

"yep." you and spencer both answered at the same time and turned to each other, you both smiled at each other. you mentally slapped yourself for it. you were supposed to be irritated.

once everything died down, everyone in the team went their separate ways and continued to work. you got the bright idea to fuck with spencer. you took off your blazer and put it around your desk chair, leaving you in a white low cut shirt and black pants. you grabbed a file and walked over to his desk. 

"hey spencer? " you sat on an empty space on his desk.

"what do you want y/n?" he answered monotone.

"jeez, i was just going to ask if you could give me some more info on this case? i need some more details and you're very very good at noticing details." you slowly pushed the file towards him, your arm pushing your breasts together.

you saw spencer's adam's apple bop up and down as he gulped.

"ye-yeah sure, what do you need?" spencer's voice cracked and he tugged on his tie. you came up with something to need help with and he was actually helpful. when he finally finished because that man rambled on for hours, especially when he was nervous.

"thanks spencer." you put your hand on his shoulder and gently squeezed. the tension between the two of you was so thick you felt like neither of you could breathe.

spencer shifted himself in his chair, what you were doing was working and you mentally smirked to yourself.

"yeah... uh no problem." he broke eye contact with you and you got up and walked away. making sure you were standing up straight and slightly swaying your hips because you knew he was looking at you. you could feel it.

you decided to go spend the rest of your free time in penelope's office.

"hey my pretty lady. what's up." she was playing some story video game that you didn't bother asking about because you knew you would confuse yourself.

"nothing much, just bored so i decided to see my favorite person. what about you?"

she turned back and smiled at you. "awww you're my favorite too, don't tell derek that."

"my lips are sealed." you sat down next to her and tried to understand what the hell she was doing on her computer.

"so did you talk to spencer about everything?"

"yeah... it went okay. i think he doesn't remember and he seems unbothered. so that's good." you looked down and picked at the skin around your fingers. you knew that was a lie, a fat fucking lie. to be honest spencer has been unreadable but you were a hundred percent sure he remembered. you felt extra guilty lying to pen but it was only easier because she wasn't facing you. 

\-----------------

some time had passed and you checked the time on your phone and it was 6:30 which caught you off guard because of how dark penolope's office was. you and her both called it a night and you also said your goodbyes to hotch and rossi and headed to the elevator.

what a hell of a surprise to see that you and spencer in the elevator, alone, for what felt like the thousandth fucking time. you internally rolled your eyes because you were expecting this ride to be extra awkward but spencer was a lot bolder then you knew.

he suddenly walked towards you, cornering you against the elevator wall. it felt like time had frozen and you forgot how to breathe.

"spencer, what the fu-"

"you know that when someone continues to use the other person's name in conversation, it means they like them...." he was towering over you and his hazel eyes stared into your (e/c) ones. the palm of your hands were pressed against the wall for support and you began to breathe deeply. you didn't want to speak, he seemed so unpredictable at the moment.

he gently and painfully slowly glided his finger from your wrist towards your shoulder.

"i think you like me. so here's what's going to happen, y/n. you're going to give me your car keys and i am going to drive you to a diner." his eyes were focused on the callused finger that was slowly sliding against your soft skin, giving you goosebumps. "we are going to sit down and eat lunch and have a nice conversation. you are going to tell me about yourself, properly, and maybe i'll tell you about me." his hand was now grazing your collar bone. his breathing had gone shallow and he was starting to whisper. you were so turned on that you didn't even realize the elevator door had opened. you were breathing heavy and you could feel the arousal and adrenaline running through your veins.

his hand softly moved your hair away from your neck and we leaned down to whisper. "and then, i am going to take you back to my apartment and fuck you. so you can finally know what it feels like. i know you've been thinking about it, don't worry, so have i." his hot breath sent chills down your spine and his lips ghosted along your jawline. you had to resist the urge to moan at his words. your thighs wanted to clench as you were desperate for friction but his torso was so flush against yours, you couldn't move. next thing you knew he quickly walked away and you just stood there with wide eyes, frozen.

if you didn't know any better you would say you were terrified. if anyone else had done this you would've slapped them across the face but spencer was different. he had such an effect on you from the beginning. you think back to the time you first saw him and dreamt about the day he would touch you. it's different in your head though, less intimidating.

"y/n are you coming?" he called after you

"oh uh yeah..." you pushed your (h/c) hair out of your face and flattened out your shirt and pants, trying to look less flustered. you didn't even know why you were going along with this. maybe because since day one spencer has had this unspoken power over you. one that you desperately tried to avoid.

you and spencer walk to your car and you wordlessly hand him your keys. he unlocks your car and gets into the drivers seat and you in the passenger seat. your brain feels empty, like your just on auto pilot. you're too busy thinking about what he was going to do to you later and how he was going to do it. at this point you knew that spencer reid was full of surprises.

"seatbelt."

"what?" your head quickly snapped to face him

"put your seatbelt on. in 2006 alone, seat belts saved an estimated 14,955 lives and could have saved an additional 2,549 people if they had been wearing seat belts. so put your seatbelt on. plus driving isn't my thing, they are more dangerous than guns."

"thanks. i trust you with my car so much already." you buckle your seatbelt and roll your eyes. he chuckles at your reaction. as soon as he starts driving you look out the window. the tension doesn't seem as bad as time passes, you glance over at his lap and see a slight outline of his bulge pressing against his pants. you smirk to yourself turning back to the window. it was good to know you had some effect on him and he wasn't just getting you hot and bothered for nothing.

"relax, y/n. we are friends first. just think of this as dinner with a friend. for now." you hadn't noticed how tense you are until you loosen your grip on your thigh and you let out a breath you didn't realize you were holding.

"thanks, i think?"

"no problem."

he reaches over and places a quick squeeze on your thigh. he flashes you a quick grin before turning back to the road. his touch actually relaxes you. it reminds you that it's just spencer and no matter what you're safe with him. if you really wanted out, he would let you, no questions asked. it was a really comforting feeling. spencer was right. you guys are friends first. you had good things to talk about so lunch should be no pressure even though he was expecting vulnerability from you. soon enough you guys arrive at a diner that isn't far from both your apartments. the atmosphere of the diner really makes you feel a lot lighter. when you think about it, this is all you really want. maybe it'll be good for you to get this sexual energy out of the way so that you no longer spent so much time getting worked up about it.

\-----------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N   
> I KNOW THE ENDING IS ANNOYING im rlly nervous, i wanna make sure its good. but i want to dedicate a whole chapter to the date and the smut so yaaaaa.
> 
> ps. i know the ending is kinda ugly but just bare with it


	8. Chapter 8

TW: smut

a waitress greets you and spencer warmly and hands you menus then directs both of you to a booth.

"i'll be back in a bit to take your orders." she gives you and spencer a quick smile and walks away. a part of you was longing for her to stay and stall you with conversation. you were just nervous, and you weren't really the best person when you were nervous. you try to make dumb jokes and you don't take anything seriously.

the diner is filled with the sound of over lapping chatter, but not in an overwhelming way. it becomes a sort of calming white noise.

"why don't you ever talk about your parents?"

wow reid, straight to the fucking point.

"you don't talk about your parents either." you retort.

"stop deflecting." he calls you out on it, and he is right. you really don't want to talk about your parents. it just isn't a pleasant story.

"whatever." you mumble, you stare down at your hands in your lap.

"are you trying to have an attitude with me?" you look up at spencer and see he has a playful expression on his face.

you lean foreword and squint your eyes. "i don't know, maybe i am. i mean you practically hijacked my car and dragged me here." you dramatically rolled your eyes and exaggerated your tone.

"watch it. you came on your own, you could've said no." you just shrugged at his statement, you didn't want to admit how you were really feeling. that you were actually starting to have a good time.

"alright guys, what can i get for you today?" the waitress comes up to your booth with a cheery tone.

"i'll have a cheeseburger and fries, and then can i get a coffee with two creams and five sugars?"

"ya of course, what will it be for you ma'am?"

"i'll just have fries and an ice water?"

"nothing else?"

"ya, that's all. thanks." you really didn't want to eat a whole meal. you were too anxious to eat. the good and bad kind of anxious.

"okay guys, your food should be here soon." once the waitress walks away, spencer tries to continue asking questions.

"you take five sugars? are you trying to clog your arteries?"

"i just like sweet things, stop changing the subject." you press your lips into a thin line, he was obviously catching on to you. he is a profiler and a genius with a 187 IQ. it pissed you off sometimes.

" you don't talk about your family or childhood at all. the only thing i know of is your younger brother because of that picture." 

"ya and? i'm not that interesting. my brother is basically the only family i have at this point. i can tell you about him if that's what you want."

"fine." spencer finally complies with you.

you tell him about how your younger brother, axel, is basically opposite of you. he was a typical boy but not in the gross way. he is really into sports, he did basketball, football, and soccer all throughout his upbringing. he is social and everyone at school liked him. you guys had always been there for each other because at the end of the day he was irresponsible and needed someone to remind him to do basic things. your father sure as hell wasn't going to do it.

"what made your father so absent?"

"are you trying to trap me? what made your father so absent?" you said the statement in a slightly joking tone. however, you think you might of struck something with him because his expression didn't look pleased. his face went blank and you were saved by the bell because your food came.

"here is the cheeseburger and fries and the coffee. here is your fries and water. enjoy your meal guys." you could see spencer's brain was all over the place, he was thinking of how he was going to answer you.

"i don't know, maybe you just exude "daddy issues"." you think this is funny, but when spencer doesn't reply you immediately put your hand over his and apologize.

"hey um sorry if that was too far, i just- i know how it feels. i know our situation was different but it all still hurts the same. it wasn't my place. i'm really sorry." once you realized what you were doing you quickly retract your hand and put it in your lap.

"it's fine. i'm pretty much doing the same thing to you. " he gave you a reassuring smile and there was a prolonged pause shared between you two. it wasn't awkward, it was just a moment of his hazel eyes searching your (e/c) ones.

you let out a huff of breath and take a bite into a fry. "if you really wanna know so bad, just look through my file."

"i know i could, but i want to hear it from you. it makes a difference."

"wow, how charming and respectful of you."

he snickers at your sarcasm, he doesn't respond, obviously waiting for you to speak. 

"fine." you take a deep breath, you can already feel the slight anger rising through you.

just explain it briefly and you won't have to talk about it again. 

"basically, when i was thirteen i had lived with my grandma for a while but i didn't really like it much so i came back home. nothing really came of it. the summer of my senior year my grandma came to visit me and my family because i had graduated and little did we know she was a narcissistic psychopath." you pause and took a deep breath trying to count to yourself. the therapy clearly didn't work, you could punch a wall right now. you went to take a sip of your ice water to cool down. 

"on the last night she was staying she offered to make us dinner and after we ate my mom began to feel weak and nauseous. my mom got sick often to be honest, she was always very sensitive to things. we all said our good byes to my grandmother since she was leaving...." your eyes began to water and your voice was cracking. you were going quieter and quieter. 

"since she- she was leaving early in the morning. i went up to wake my mom up, because she never ever sleeps past noon." you were full on sobbing at this point and you couldn't control it. you put your hands over your eyes and spencer reached over and gently pulled your arm down.

"its okay, im right here. keep going." you nodded your head and took another deep breath. you looked up to the ceiling to try and keep your tears from flowing but it was no use.

"i found her dead, spencer. that bitch killed her. i didn't do anything, i just sat there by the bed waiting for my dad to come back from the airport. i didn't get my brother because i knew he didn't need to see that." your voice is shaking as you mentally recount the events of that day. "sometimes i close my eyes and i still see her lifeless, limp body just laying there on the bed. i remember the exact feeling i got when i realized she was gone." you were fuming inside, your tears weren't of sadness. you had already grieved. they were from anger at this point. the whole thing just felt so sudden and unfair. i guess that means technically you hadn't gone through the full grieving process.

"she was caught and everything, but i don't know how i never saw it. i knew she was a narcissist from day one but i didn't think she could get herself to that point. i couldn't imagine how my dad felt after finding out what happened, it was his mother." you wiped your face with the back of your hand and let out a shakey. "according to her statement she felt like my mom had taken me and my dad from her? she was convinced we were being emotionally manipulated by her and she thought she had to do something."

"y/n...."

"please, stop. i don't want to talk about it any further. you probably already know how the dynamic in my family went after that...."

he nodded his head and stayed quiet. you appreciated it. you took a deep breath and turned to him.

"what about you?"

he set down his coffee cup and looked at you. "my mom is schizophrenic. when she was diagnosed apparently my dad couldn't handle it so he walked out on us when i was eleven. i thought he was gone for good until i found out he has been working ten minutes away from us the whole time..."

"when did you find out?"

"two years ago, i don't even know what my relationship with him is at this point. my mom says she forgives him but i don't. he left me to take care of my mother. i paid the bills, i had to put my own mother in an institution because i had to leave for college and it was just too much." there were tears brimming in his eyes, for the first time you paid attention to his eye bags. you have never seen someone who looked so exhausted. you were terrible at comforting people but you tried for him.

"spencer, you did the best you could. you did more then you had to. you're an amazing son and you don't need your father anymore. you are so strong and caring and just incredible." you give him a soft smile.

"thanks y/n."

"no problem, this is what fucked up people do for each other." you try to lighten the mood with a joke, it was just to heavy for your liking. spencer seems to feel better too.

"yea..."

you guys move on to making regular conversation. you and spencer eat your food and just talk about things you enjoy, what you don't enjoy. funny moments from your childhood and that leads to the topic of relationships. 

"have you ever even had a girlfriend? boyfriend?" you ask him mid-laugh 

"um no. not really, i have had flings but nothing real."

"hmm... honestly, thats the way to go. commitment sucks." you take another sip of water.

"why does it suck? i want to get married, i just haven't met the right person yet." his tone is a little defensive but also curious.

"i don't know. it just think my brain can't handle the idea of choosing one person to spend the rest of your life with. it just scares me. gives me the hibby jibbies." you chuckle at yourself because you think you're the funniest person ever.

"oh, cool." spencer says disappointed

"what? there is something you want to say."

"why do you see it as a bad thing? i think finding one person that you always want to be with is beautiful. love is beautiful. it's this feeling that totally consumes you. even though its just a variation a chemicals, that doesn't make it any less valid. "

"okay mister "hopeless romantic". you haven't even dated! and i know your not a virgin. so do you just have sex with random women? or men. i don't know your life."

"yeah pretty much..." he answers quietly

"holy shit, spencer reid really gets down." you are super interested now. you almost forgot that you are about to be one of those women....

"it's not how it sounds! it's more.. sophisticated then that."

"okay sure..." you playfully squint at him suspiciously.

"it's just a coping mechanism. i don't do alcohol, so sex is mine. in our line of work we need some sort of "release"." he puts up air quotes and says it matter-of-factly. you never actively sought out a coping mechanism. there was probably a lot of stuff you needed to release.

"true. i wonder what mine is, probably punching things." you have a pondering expression your face and spencer laughs at you.

"what! it's true! i love to punch, i started kick boxing so i don't lose my head in the field."

"that's scary." he gives you a fake fearful expression.

"no judging. besides, it's better then drugs."

spencer violently coughs and the color drained from his face.

"are you okay?"

"ya i just choked...."

it's obvious to you now, spencer has had his own battle with narcotics at some point but you don't want to push him. he will tell you on his own, or you could ask someone from the team.

"have you dated anyone?" he asks you.

"i mean, ya. in college, and it was pretty good. i had a lot of fun with her. we both knew it wasn't forever though, it was kinda just this fun thing we took one day at a time until one day it was over. you know?"

"yo- you're bisexual? " his voice cracked and it made you giggle. you leaned over the table and made direct eye contact with him.

"why? are you thinking about me with another woman? " you speak loud enough so that only he can here.

his eyes go dar and he leans forward to meet you at your level. "if thats something you're into, im sure it can be arranged."  
oh my fucking god

god he is so hot

take me right here right now

no, he can't know the effect he has on you

"uhm... i- i don't know..."

"your pupils are dilated, y/n "

"well so are yours." you snap back. "can we go now? the anticipation is killing me." you roll your eyes at him and lean back on the seat.

"watch your attitude brat." spencer growls at you as he takes out his wallet so he can leave cash.

"excuse me? i am not a brat." yes you are. you loved being snarky. you started to feel bold, knowing that you were probably in for it later.

"yes, you are."

"okay. well since im so bratty, im leaving." you stand up and begin walking to the diner's front door. you think you're walking fast until you feel a warm hand grasp your wrist. you looked down and saw spencers slender fingers tightly wrapped around your small wrist compared to his.

he turns you to face him and leans down to whisper to you. you immediately get goosebumps from the feeling of his warm breath touching your neck.

"im sick of your attitude, y/n." you let out an exaggerated breath, trying to sound annoyed. you feel yourself growing impatient. the butterflies in your stomach are anxious for him to touch you.

"then do something about it."

\--------------- 

he practically drags you out of that diner and unlocks your car since he still had your keys. you're honestly just as eager and you rush to get in the passenger seat and spencer drives off.

spencer reaches is over with one hand and trails soft patterns on your thigh. he has a sly smile on his face because he notices the chills that it's giving you. you're so desperate for friction but you try not to make it too obvious. you lean your head back on the seat and try to relax.

"we should a have a safeword."

you turn to him and cock your head to the side.

"we should have a safeword. we aren't doing anything crazy, but i still want you to feel like you can use one."

"hmm... how about rabbit? should be easy enough."

"okay, if you ever say rabbit, we stop. no judgement, okay?" he quickly glances at you with a warning look on his face.

"ya for sure." you grin at him. you don't really see a situation where you would need to use it but you're really glad he is kind enough to offer one.

\------------

as soon as spencer parks at his apartment building you get out of the car and walk to the front gate.

"eager huh?" you roll your eyes at him and he hands you back your car keys. he scrambles with his house keys and pushes the door open for you to walk through.

you guys wordlessly run up the stairs, you still remember which apartment was his. once he finally unlocks his front door he pushes you up against the wall by your shoulders. his lips crash into yours hungrily. it takes you a moment to realize what's happening but once you do you relax into the kiss. you relax your lip allowing his tongue access. you feel everything and anything you've ever held onto melt away. it's just you and him. faint taste of coffee is warm on your tongue and you can't seem to get enough.

he puts his large hands on both sides of your face as if he is trying to bring you any closer. his mouth moves to your jawline, finally allowing you to breathe. you let out a small moan at the sensation of his sloppy kisses. you feel him move down and suck and nibble on your neck. it feels so good it's as if he is inhaling you.

"you better not leave any marks." you try to pant out.

"no promises." he mumbles and you feel him smirk on your skin.

you reach up to his chest and begin unbuttoning his shirt and he takes off your blazer and throws it on to the floor. once you finally get his shirt unbuttoned he pulls away a little bit to wriggle it off. you take a good look at his face. his lips are swollen and his face is flushed. his hair is all disheveled. he tosses his shirt on the floor and you slowly run your hands down his chest. you feel his warm skin against your hand and even though he is really lean, you can tell he his strong.

he watches your hand trail down his torso and you can feel how deep he is breathing. his hands press onto your lower back and he goes back to kissing you. you put your hands on the back of his neck and run them through his soft brown hair. you both moan into eachothers mouthes as you gently tug on his soft locks.

"jump." he growls into your mouth.

you jump up and accidentally knock your forehead into his as he wraps your legs around his waste.

"oww." you chuckle and scrunch your face in pain. "sorry." you gently apply pressure on his head where you both collided.

"its okay." he gives you a quick peck on the forehead.

you both continue your fiery kiss and you move your lips down to his chin, leaving sloppy kisses all along his jawline. he walks you to his bedroom as you begin leave a hickey below his ear. you hear him let out a low groan and you smile against his skin.

without warning he drops you on the bed and immediately crawls on top of you, pressing his hips into yours. you can feel his hard dick through his pants and you let out a gasp from the contact, you were so sensitive it felt incredible. you began rolling your hips against his pelvis, trying to get as much pleasure as you can.

he chuckles at your neediness and begins to roll his hips against yours. you both let out a moan from the friction as he simultaneously leaves kisses along your chest. he slowly puts his hand up your white shirt and cups your breasts through your bra. you pull away from the kiss to quickly pull your shirt off, leaving you in your bra and pants.

spencer sits up to take a look at you. you're wearing a basic nude t-shirt bra but he the look he is giving you is making you blush. like he is admiring every inch of your skin.

"take a picture, it'll last longer." you prop yourself up on your elbows.

"i might have to..." he quietly says to himself as he leans down to continue kissing the mounts of your breasts. you reach between both your bodies and fiddle with his belt. once you finally get it unbuckled, you reached down and feel his hard through his boxers. you swipe your hand down his tip and feel it throb in your hands.

"fuck..." he breathes out and you smirk up at him. he begins to unbutton your pants and stands up onto the floor to pull them off. he tosses them onto the floor and then grabs your ankles and pulls you all the way to the edge of the bed.

you let out a yelp of surprise and you and spencer start giggling. he leans down and wraps his arm around your back and unclasps your bra. you slowly let it fall down your shoulders and begin to feel completely exposed. you get goosebumps on your arms as you feel the cool air hit your bare chest.he pulls your bra off your arms and you instinctively put your arms over your chest to try and cover yourself slightly. 

spencer gently pulls your arm down and looks you right in the eyes. "you don't have to hide from me. you're beautiful." you feel your face heat up and a huge smile takes form on your face. you're too flustered to speak so you just nod your head.

he crouches down and starts peppering kisses on your collar bone and then down to the valley of your breasts. he cups one of your breasts and begins massaging your nipple with his thumb. he wraps his mouth around the other and starts swirling his tongue. you bite your lip in pleasure and lul your head back.

"you're so sensitive for me already. like the needy brat you are." he kneels down on the floor and starts giving you wet kisses across your stomach. your breath hitches in your throat and your breath is staggered. your lower stomach is your sweet spot and he seems to notice that because he looks up and makes eye contact with you as be begins to suck and bite your soft skin. 

"you look breath taking right now."

"you look pretty good too." you say once you find your words. he grins up at you and then goes back to marking you.

you let out soft whimpers from the feeling of his warm mouth along your cool tummy. he skips over your hip bone where your underwear is and goes straight to your inner thigh.

"please.." you whine and pout a little bit.

"please, what?"

"please touch me. your mouth, fingers. anything...." you voice sounds so desperate as you whimper and pant for him. you barely recognize your voice but you don't care.

"well since you asked so nicely..."

he put his thumb to your clothed clit and begins rubbing in slow circles.

"ahh fuckk..." your back arches slightly and your eyes flutter closed. "you're so wet already, i bet i could slide right in." he smirks up at you but it feels to good for you comment. finally he hooks his fingers through the waistband of your underwear and slowly pulls it down your thighs. you slightly lift yourself up so he can pull them off your legs faster. he tossed your underwear on the floor and and immediately latched his tongue to your throbbing clit.

you let out a series of gasps and moans, trying your best to keep yourself quiet but fail miserably. the feeling of his tongue moving against your nerves is almost too much. you begin to squirm your hips and his arms quickly grip your thighs. you decide to put your legs on his shoulders so he can have more access to your core.

"th-that feels good, keep going." you continue to moan as he starts to swirl his tongue faster.

"just good?" hi mumbles into you, sending a vibration right through. causing you to let out a high pitched whimper.

"fine. it's f-fucking amazing. just don't stop." you finally find the energy to respond.

he groans into your clit again and further tightens the knot that's building inside you. you look down and make eye contact with him and the site nearly sends you over the edge.

"spence! im so cl- close.." you gasp and you feel him begin to harshly suck on your clit giving you whole new sensation. you put your hands in his hair to bring him closer and your whole body is shuddering with pleasure. you tightly grip the sheet underneath you for support. you feel your pussy begin to clench as the knot gets close to release.

"it's okay, cum for me."

you let out a long string of moans and mewls as your whole body shuddered. your grip on his hair tightens as you feel your pussy throb and pleasure corses through your veins. you feel sensitive and light headed, you just collapse on your back and let out deep breathes.

you feel him give your inner thighs a few more kisses. the bed shifts besides you and spencer leaves soft kisses on your shoulder, up your neck and eventually on your lips. you taste yourself on him and groan into his mouth. he shifts both you and him onto the center of the bed and wriggles off his underwear.

his hard dick snaps against his stomach and your eyes widen.

shit, thats big. it's been a while, can that even fit in you?

you tried to control your facial expressions as he walks over to his nightstand and gets a condom. you prop yourself up on your elbows and watch him tear the condom open.

"what? i feel you staring." he asks you

"nothing... it's just that you're- you're bugger then any other guy i have been with." you mumble as you feel heat creep onto your cheeks. your ears burn from embarrassment.

spencer just chuckles at your statement and walks back over to you. you watch as he rolls the condom on his dick and you're completely infatuated by the site. he lifts your knees up and settles between your legs.

"if it's too much you know what to say."

"shut up and fuck me already." you shift your hips upwards trying to get some sort of contact. 

spencer slowly slides himself into you. you gasp and your nails dig into his shoulder. you already feel hyper sensitive from your previous orgasm so the sensation is more intense. you hear him let out a low whimper and he stays still to let you adjust for a moment.

you give him a quick nod to show that it's okay for him to move. you watch as he slowly pulls himself out then thrusts back in. every time he slowly moves inside of you, he lets out a shakey groan into your neck and you can tell he is holding back.

"f-fuck move faster."

"move faster, what?"

"move faster, please." you practically begged and he instantly increased his pace. once he found the perfect rythme to fuck you with, your lips stayed parted as small moans escaped your throat. the room was filled with sound of both your moans and pants and his skin slapping into yours.

spencer moves his arms from supporting himself above you to gripping your hips. he uses his strong arms to swiftly turns over on his back so you are sitting on his hips riding him. he immediately continues to thrust up into you. the new angle hits you right in your g-spot perfectly and you let out a loud moan.

"right th-there.." your eyes roll back into your head as he tightly grips your hips to guide you , surely leaving a bruise. his hips continue to thrust up into you, repeatedly hitting you in your sweet spot. the feeling on your sensitive walls is overwhelming that you begin to slowly trail your fingernails down his chest for some sort of stability. he moans as you leave nail marks on his torso.

"you're so- shit- you're so tight, y/n." he moans out to you and it's music to your ears and brings you even closer to finishing. you put your hands on his throat and squeeze lightly, you mostly do it for support but his eyes flutter closed and his lips part as he whimpers.

you smirk to yourself and apply more pressure.  
"you like that huh?" spencer doesn't respond instead he reaches up with one of his hands and wraps it around your throat, giving your throat a gentle squeeze and bringing you down to kiss him.

when you lean down it gives a new angle that hits you perfectly. you both are moaning into eachother's mouthes, practically breathing eachother's air.

"spence- i- i'm gunna cum again."

"me t-too, fuck..."

his thrusts gets sloppier and you feel your pussy begin to clench again. this time you can feel it's going to be stronger.

"look at me when you cum, pretty girl."

your eyes flutter open and saw the pure pleasure in his face. the sight sends you into another orgasm. your lips part and you let out a long string of moans and whimpers. the sensation throbs from your core to the rest of your body. you have never had one so intense, let alone twice.

your whole body shudders and spencer lets goes of your throat and puts his hands back on your hips. he gives you a few more sloppy thrusts through your own orgasm before you feel his dick twitch through the condom. he lets out a semi-high pitched whimper and you fall onto his chest. 

you both stay for a moment listening to eachother's pants. spencer rubs soothingly up and down your back. soon enough, spencer gently pulls you off of him and you wince at the feeling as you lay on the bed.

you lay there with your eyes closed, just catching your breath you didn't even notice spencer had gotten up.

"c'mon pretty girl. we gotta clean up." he puts his hand out for you to take. you felt super dreamy. you had a blissful smile on your face as you walked to the bathroom in his bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \-----------  
> A/N   
> THIS IS MY FIRST SMUT CHAPTER I DINT KNOW I DONT KNOW. next chapter will have all the aftercare, after care is my fave part tbh and im excited to write it.
> 
> a part of me wanted to cut the smut short and just be like "we kiss then sex, now 3000 words of aftercare ." lol   
> i promise it will be more interesting later
> 
> i just want y/n and reid's first time to be simple yk? <3


	9. Chapter 9

aftercare <333 TW: hurt and comfort LOL

"c'mon pretty girl. we gotta clean up."

you put your hand in spencers outstretched one and he gently pulls you up as you push your weight off the bed.

you think you have yourself stabilized but your knees buckle when you try and stand on the floor and your reflexes make you grab spencers biceps to keep yourself from collapsing.

"you need to be careful, okay? your body is pretty worn out." spencer looks down at you with a concerned expression on his face as if he didn't do this to you. the thing is that it has been a while for you, even though you guys didn't do anything crazy it still was a lot for your body. you can't remember the last time a guy made you feel this good.

spencer guided you to the bathroom since you were still a little loopy and limp from your highs. his touch was gentle but strong and supportive.

"you should pee." he points to the toilet and then goes over to the shower to start the water. "oh thank you." this whole situation was surreal, spencer reid was telling you to pee after fucking you.

you sit down and pee and wait for the shower water to heat up. while you wait you take a good look at his bathroom. it is very neat, it looks like it was recently cleaned. the shower has those blurry glass doors and the sink is the stand alone kind with a wide mirror above it. on the left of the sink is a shelf with extra toiletries and towels and on the right there is a wall with small window that has plants on the window seal.

you stop and take a good look at yourself in the mirror for a moment. your (h/l) (h/c) hair is all ruffled and frizzed. your lips are swollen slightly and redder then usual. there are hickeys forming on your collar bone and on your lower stomach. you look tired but in a good way. you've never really noticed how desirable you must look until this moment. a blissful smile takes form on your face.

"admiring my work?" he asks you smuggly. "yes..." you answer him timidly and spencer just hums in response. spencer opens the shower door and puts his hand out for you to grab again so you can step in the shower. you carefully step in and spencer steps in after you. he gently pushes you back so that both you and him are under the warm shower water. you watch as his hair gets soaked and sticks to his forehead as the water runs down his body. he looks so beautiful you could nearly pass out. you admire him in your dazed state.

you feel the warm water run down your scalp and all over your body. you feel yourself relax even more then before which you didn't think was possible. spencer swaps places with you and reaches behind himself to get his shampoo.

"i hope you don't mind using my stuff."

"it okay, you smell nice." you let out a satisfied hum and your eyes close as you hear him squeeze the shampoo into his hands and feel him begin rubbing shampoo into your scalp. he puts you under the water to rinse out your hair as he shampoos his.

he then takes his conditioner and gently finger combs it through your (h/t) hair. his touch is sweet and he tries to get as many tangles as he can without agitating your scalp. you stay out of the water to let the conditioner sit and then he conditions his own hair. he puts liquid soap on a loofa and gently rubs it on you in a circular motion from your chest down to your legs.   
you then put yourself back under the water and rinse off the conditioner and the soap on your body. just as spencer is about to scrub himself with soap you put out your hand to take the loofa from him.

"ca-can i do it, please?" spencer smiles at you and hands you the loofa. he steps closer to you and you begin to scrub him with gentle circular motions just like he did for you. you start paying attention to the muscles in his chest and arms, how the shift under his skin. once you're done, he steps under the water with you and rinses his hair and body as well. your faces are so close and even though you're under hot water you feel goosebumps go down your arms.

spencer gently grabs your chin between the pad of his thumb and his pointer finger, bringing your lips closer to his. you start to rise on your tippy toes and put your hands on his shoulders.

the kiss is short and sweet at first but then you both go back in with more passion. you brain feels empty and your body just feels on fire from his lips hungrily on yours. you had a feeling that he felt the same way. he starts to move his hands down you your ass giving it a gentle squeeze. you giggle into his mouth. after a minute or so you feel him getting needier, trying to pull you closer and closer. you have to stop yourself and gently push away.

"i would love too but i am so close to passing out in here." the steam plus the heated kiss had you light headed and you didn't want to get too excited.

"ya of course, lets get you dried up." you both step out of the shower. spencer hands you a towel from the shelf after wrapping his waist in one. you stand in the door way and watch him go to his drawer and pick out his clothes. completely forgetting that he is in fact your coworker and that you would probably be back in the office again tomorrow. you should be freaked out about what this means for you and your relationship with spencer in general or most importantly your job. however, you just can't find it in you.

suddenly you're hit by this huge wave of sadness. it catches you off guard which makes you even more upset because you don't know why you're sad. was it because you're lonely? you couldn't put a finger on it and you felt so vulnerable. your vision blurred as tears fell from your eyes.

wow you're crying after sex y/n. what's up with you.

"spencer?" you croak out, you felt so weak you don't know why but in this moment you couldn't wipe the tears and act like nothing was wrong.

"yeah what's u- hey hey, y/n, what's wrong?" spencer quickly walks over to you. he puts his clothes on the bed and and then puts his hands on both sides of your face. he uses his thumb to softly swipe the tear off your cheek. his eyes search yours for any signs of what's wrong.

you inhale a shakey breath and finally speak. "i don't know really... when we got out of the shower this, like, wave of sadness just hit me. i think- i think it's because i've never been taken care of like that, like this," you gesture your hand between the two of you, "before. like ever."

you sniffle a little bit, you hold yourself back from going on about how you just noticed how you haven't been held by anyone in almost two years. you never let anyone in physically, let alone emotionally. you never kept in touch with friends from your past when you probably could've.

"i'm sorry that you weren't treated how you deserve, y/n. you deserve to be taken care of."  
you nod your head to show him that you do understand. the people that were in your life before you came to virginia never treated you as well as the people that you now know here. by people you mean your team.

"you're probably also feeling down because you just had a surge of dopamine in your brain. now that the effects of sex have passed, the come down feels stronger." he held your hands in his and rubbed soothing circles on your knuckles. what he says actually makes you feel better, it makes you feel like you aren't totally damaged and alone.

"is it- is it okay if i stay tonight? i just really don't feel like i should be alone." you whisper to him, you're a little bit embarrassed to ask him but you feel safe with spencer. you really don't want to deal with your overthinking and self- deprecating thoughts tonight.

"ya of course, i wasn't going to just send you back home. i just didn't want to make you feel like you have to stay, so you have a choice." he gave you a soft sympathetic smile and then gave you a chaste kiss on your cheek.

"i can give you a t shirt to sleep in, okay?"

"ya thats perfect, thanks." he walks over to his drawer and pulls out a big halloween shirt that is black and has a pumpkin on the center of it. he hands it to you and and you put it over your head and then you pull your towel off from underneath.

you instantly get under the covers of his bed. you are so worn out at this point, your eyes feel like they are being pulled closed. as soon as your head touches the pillow, you smell a mixture of detergent and spencer's conditioner. you feel the effects of sleep begin to pull you under from the relaxing scent and blanket. the last thing you remember is feeling the bed shift beside you and hearing spencer say "goodnight."

\----------   
next morning

you feel the warm sunlight hitting your eyes and it wakes you up. you're pretty much still half asleep so you turn your body over away from the sun. you feel your hand hit something warm and you open your eyes to see that it's spencers stomach. you start to wake up some more and and feel that his arm is below your head and you're snuggled into his chest. his arm is loosely draped around your waist. you let yourself snuggle further into him, enjoying the comfort of having him near you. touching you.

a few minutes later you feel him pull you closer so your chest is against his and spencer's legs are tangled in yours. you wake up again and let out a silent yawn, you think he is awake but when you open your eyes fully you realized he had just pulled you closer in his sleep.

you took a moment to admire his perfect face. the morning sunlight that was shining through his windows hit his face perfectly. his hair was sprawled across the pillow and on his forehead. his eyebrows looked actually relaxed for once, all the creases that came from him constantly thinking were smoothes. for once his eyebags didn't look so sunken and heavy. they were still there bug not such a large and concerning amount. his nose was perfection, you were honestly jealous. his lips were plump and slightly parted in his sleep as you listened to his breath, feeling his chest rise and fall.

you almost fall back asleep until you see a smile take form on his face. "what are you smiling at?" he calls you out with his eyes partially closed.

"what? were you pretending to be asleep." you didn't even realize you were smiling and you felt your face burn with embarrassment.

"maybe, maybe not."

"you know, you're better when you're asleep and can't talk." you roll your eyes and tease him and he starts laughing and so do you. you loved that he actually laughed at your jokes.

"ya, you're probably right."

suddenly it hits you what is happening. you're sleeping in spencer reid's bed. he is your coworker. you can't be here and even if he wasn't your coworker, it isn't right for you to be doing this. you aren't ready for anything. you know that last night was just sex but you aren't ready for anything. you knew you couldn't be what spencer would want or deserve.

"what's wrong?"

"nothing. i have to go." you turn away from him and pull the covers off of you. you look around the floor for your pieces of clothing and begin picking them up.

"oh okay. well do you want coffee or breakfast or anything?" he props himself up on his elbows and watches you frantically grab your clothes.

"no im good, thank you though." you answer plainly. you walk into his bathroom and just change into yesterdays clothes, it feels a little gross but you will just drive home and change. you fold the shirt he had given you and leave it on the bed when you hear spencer on the phone.

"....ya hotch, i'll be there in thirty." he hangs up and looks up at you. "we have a case."

a small ball of anxiety forms in your stomach. as much as you loved and were good at your job, the fact that people had to die for you to do it sucked.

"okay well i left my phone in the car, i'll just drive home and change. see you at the office." you quickly walk out of the bedroom and then leave through his apartment door. you don't even look back at him because you know that if you do you will not be able to stop yourself from giving him a goodnight kiss or some sappy shit like that.

you run down to your car and as soon as you unlock it you check your phone and see two missed calls from hotch.

"shit." you whisper as you hear the phone ring. you impatiently tap your finger on the steering wheel.

"y/l/n, we have a case. jj says it's a big one so bring your go bag. "

"yes sir, i'll see you in thirty." hotch immediately hangs up the phone and you thump your head against the steering wheel.

as your driving back home you're thinking about everything that has gone between you and spencer. you know he feels something for you and it's scary. you think of the team and how selfish it is of you to sacrifice your integrity as an agent just to indulge in some crush you had. you filled with a mixture of self-hate and anxiety as you got ready for work. which was not good at all. when you are working a case you need to set your immature feelings aside and have confidence in yourself and your abilities. you decided you would just shove everything down until later so you could throw yourself into this case and get work done.

\----------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N   
> MORNING AFTERS ARE SO FUN TO WRITE IDC IDC. also i think i actually have a plan now.... and this chapter is purposefully shorter then the last cuz i made yall read SO MUCH.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: case stuff, talk of dead bodies ig

when you get to HQ, the team is actually already in the briefing room waiting for you. you and spencer make brief eye contact and you try to read his emotions but so far you can't tell. it'll probably be best if you just don't let it get to you, for the sake of this case.

"sorry i'm late." you tell hotch timidly as you set your go bag on the floor. "traffic."

"that's alright agent, we weren't waiting long."

jj immediately pulls crime scene photos up on the screen. "rita stuart, twenty five, second victim in atlantic city." you look at the photo of a small woman sitting on a carousel bench. her body has make up on, freshly painted nails and a fancy dress.

"this guy takes care of his victims." you point out. the women look healthy too, no injuries either. 

"who is victim number one?" hotch asks.

"stacia jackson, 29. she was found at a local playground." this time the victim is a black woman which can make narrowing the search harder. however she is just as dressed up as the other victim, except these crimes are two months apart but is clearly the same unsub.

"these are pretty public places to dump a body." rossi says.

"maybe the unsub wants them to be found looking their best?" spencer chimes in. you take this opportunity to look at him. he doesn't seem bothered by anything, which is good. maybe he will stop asking about you and checking up on you. he makes it very hard to hate him, that's probably what annoys you the most about him. it's not his fault though, you can only be responsible for your own emotions.

"what's the connection between these women?" emily asks

"there is none. rita was married, stacia was single. rita worked at a diner, stacia was a corporate lawyer."

"there is no evidence of violence or any sexual assault?" you ask. jj shakes her head. "then how did they die?"

"one victim died of brain hemorrhage, the other died of a stroke."

"look at this, the unsub gave them a battery of drugs. atracurium, doxacurium. these are neural inhibitors. they block signals from the brain to the muscles. he put them in medical comas for 2 months." spencer points out, "except they weren't unconscious."

once you connect the dots, things start to get really interesting for you. "these victims were paralyzed but they were still conscious?" you turn to spencer and ask. quite frankly you loved working cases with spencer. he knew so much about everything, even little random things about towns. he was like a human-computer sometimes.

"physical immobility but mental awareness. they could probably hear and feel everything."

"okay. wheels up in 30." hotch says and that cues everyone to get up and start heading to the jet

\----------

as you guys are settling on the plane, spencer decides to come over and sit next to you as he takes out his own book. the tension between you and spencer isn't awkward like you thought. you had both brought a book with you. you brought twilight: new moon and he brought a sherlock holmes novel. which didn't surprise you much. spencer practically immersed himself into his job, of course, his book choice would be similar.

he doesn't try to talk to you, which for that you are grateful. you would think after what you did this morning he would try something but he didn't. the energy is oddly comfortable. as if he finally understands your feelings toward him. he was clearly confused by your hot and cold behavior but hopefully, he now gets that you just aren't ready to get emotionally close to anyone right now.

the physical stuff, however, was a different story. spencer was really good last night, so much so you were even embarrassed to admit it to yourself. every now and then your brain would flash to a moment from last night and you felt your whole body heat up. you couldn't see yourself doing it with another guy after that. luckily, you liked girls too. maybe you would go on a date once this case ended before flying back home. you could hopefully meet a new girl but you could get out of it because you could just say you didn't want long distance. you smiled to yourself at the idea. 

"what are you so elated about?" morgan says across from you.

"nothing. can't i just be in a good mood?"

"not when you're catching a serial killer." morgan and emily snicker at you.

you see spencer smiling slightly at his book out of the corner of your eye.

he doesn't think he is the reason i'm in a good mood, does he? because he isn't.

that would be weird.

"okay guys let's go over victimology and the profile again." hotch's words pull you from your thoughts. you all sit up and face each other.

"keeping these women in constant paralysis reads as sadism." morgan says.

"definitely dehumanizing and reducing them down to objects," says emily

"but there is nothing else in this profile that takes us down this path." you challenge emily's statement.

"ya these women were very well taken care of. they didn't even have bed sores and were fed through IV's."

"he definitely has medical training."

suddenly it hits you, it all makes much more sense now.

"guys the unsub is a woman. all the care that she gives these victims, even though she has dehumanized them, it does profile as female."

"well what about the postmortem posing? that's a lot of dead weight for a woman to carry." morgan asks you.

"well these women were small, 100 pounds or less." jj interrupts.

now that you all had concluded that the unsub is female, you need to figure out what these women meant to her. she clearly wasn't trying to kill them, but once they do die she just tosses them out and replaces them.

\----------

when you all got to the police station, hotch asked you and emily to talk to the family members. you didn't get much except that the women did have to take their clothes in sometimes to get tailored and the look on their relatives' eyes when you showed them their dead bodies. you've seen that face so many times, especially at your old job. sometimes you felt like a complete dick for allowing someone to see their family member dead in a brutal fashion but it's what had to be done.

hotch and rossi went back to the crime scene and concluded that this unsub most definitely had an SUV with a lift for wheelchair space. that was a big help with narrowing down the search that garcia would have to make. since the most recent victim was yesterday, we knew that the unsub would most likely have someone kidnapped by tomorrow. unfortunately that meant you guys were just going to have to go to the hotel and then search reports on missing women in the morning.

\----------

when you all get to the hotel, it's pretty basic. it clearly was a cheap one because everyone got their own room. it was near the police department and everyone was on the same floor. the hotel had that cheesy greenish wallpaper with a weird floral pattern and it smelled slightly of cleaning products. you all retreated to your respective rooms and you noticed that spencer's was across the hall from yours. you fought the urge to let out an annoyed sigh. just because spencer's room is near yours doesn't mean anything. you guys were working a case so it would just be unprofessional for anything to happen. it's not like you were hoping for it either. if he would show up at your door you would probably-

you hear a knock on your door.

you hoped to the gods that it was housekeeping but it wasn't.

you looked through the peephole and saw spencer there. it's not that you didn't enjoy spending time with him, it's just that he had this unspoken power over you that clouded your thoughts. you felt like all your walls were being knocked down just from his presence and he made you feel safe. you didn't want to depend on someone like that ever. he could ask anything of you and you would probably drop everything to do it and that scared you. also, you now knew what he was like in bed which made you feel like you wouldn't want to do it with anyone else.

"wow speak of the devil." you whisper to yourself and proceed to open up the door for him. he walked right past you and into your room. you were both still in your work clothes. he took a seat in a plain chair in the corner after quickly scanning your room.

"please, come in." you say sarcastically as you closed the door.

"what's wrong with you, y/n?" spencer asks you with his voice laced with irritation. doesn't seem concerned, he mostly seems pissed off.

"excuse me? i didn't do anything." you crossed your arms over your chest and squinted your eyes at him.

"yes! yes you do. you flirt with me and then when i try to reciprocate the same behavior, you totally pull away! you can't just do that to someone, to me." he stands up and gestures his hands in an accusing manner towards you.

"don't you dare waltz in here and raise your voice at me! secondly, spencer, quite frankly i don't owe you anything." you retaliate at him. your face had a deep scowl and you furrowed your brows.

spencer lets out a quick sarcastic chuckle, "well you at least owe me a fucking explanation. we can't just have sex and not talk about it." his voice goes quieter but it's cold and laced with bitterness.

"why? why do we have to talk, adults have sex spencer. we did it once that doesn't mean that it has to be a big deal, it didn't mean anything!" you didn't mean that but your anger and fear were speaking for you. god you felt like such a coward in that moment.

spencer flinched slightly, the look in his hazel eyes was pure hurt. you had to look away because his face practically broke you.

"you are so childish! i meant what i said that night you took me home, i made excuses for you thinking that maybe you just didn't feel the same. then you start teasing me and we have sex and i thought i had finally finally found someone who wanted to be with me but then you become cold." he took a deep breath after his speech and you try and hold back tears. you had really been hurting him and you couldn't see it. you knew that being close with him would be too much for both of you, hearing the pain in his voice sucked.

your face softened as you went from feeling frustrated to guilty.

"y/n, i want to be with y-"

"i think you should leave." you blurt it out trying to drown out what he was trying to say. you break eye contact and shift your weight uncomfortably on your feet. there is a beat of silence that feels like infinity until spencer speaks up.

"you don't mean that." he says almost as if he is asking you, begging you to take it back. your feelings for him are so strong but you just don't know in what way at the moment.

"please, reid. just go." you let out a sigh and rub your forehead to try and soothe the pressure that you are feeling from all your thoughts. you're so exhausted from trying to outsmart your own emotions, it is slowly becoming too much.

using his last name clearly struck him because in one big stride he suddenly grabbed your shoulders and had you against the wall. his move was so swift you didn't even feel yourself hit the wall.

"look me in the eyes and tell me you don't ever want me again." you stared up at him trying to hold your ground. the feeling of his hands grasping your shoulders made you tense with anticipation. his face is so close to yours you can feel his deep breath softly on your face. his furious expression was suddenly very attractive to you. you knew that neither of you were going to make it out of here having come to a healthy conclusion.

this isn't healthy.

but who needs a healthy coping mechanism?

fuck it.

his eyes continued to search yours anticipating your answer. instead you grasp his shirt collar forcefully crashing your lips into his. you guys knock teeth but once he registers what's happening he melts into the kiss. his hands move to cradle your face and you both seem to be trying to fight each other with your mouths.

your mouth is moving with pure rage and passion against his that you forget to breathe. once you feel yourself losing air you briefly push him away to catch your breath. you are both breathing so heavy and your lips are swollen. his eyes looked dazed and confused and to be honest you're confused too, he is like a magnet you can't pull away from him.

he goes back in to kiss you but this time it's more gentle and compassionate. his hands slowly made their way to your hair. he gives it a gentle tug so he could have more access to your neck. you slowly rake your hands up his back and then to his forearms, tugging them down. you pushed him away slightly and gave him a quick lazy smirk

"go sit on the bed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N
> 
> YES DOM READER. someone needs to put spencer in his place tbh 🙄. and this chapter is ehh but obviously the next chapter will be smut.
> 
> idk when it'll be out though. it could either be a week or so or literally the next day because i have no upload schedule


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: smut, orgasm denial, mommy kink ;)

"go sit on the bed."

"who said you're in charge?" spencer says with a cocky expression on his face. he tries to bring his lips back to the crook of your neck but you just push his shoulders again.

"i did. now sit on the bed." you look at him straight in the face, showing him that you're serious. if he wanted to be a little bitch boy he was going to be treated like one.

his eyes widen a little bit before he surrenders and sits down on the edge of the bed. he is gently tapping his foot on the floor out of aggravation. he isn't used to letting someone take control.

you cross your arms over your chest and slightly squint at him, mentally thinking over all the possibilities.

"take off your blazer." spencer hastily takes it off, not hiding that he is in a rush for you to start. even though the anticipation is killing him, it's also turning him on. you can see him growing hard in his dress pants.

"can you move up against the headboard for me?" you say it like your asking but he knows that you're commanding him to do it. he scoots his body up against the hotel bed headboard and looks up at you expectantly.

"now what."

"be patient, baby boy." you honestly don't know where the nickname came from but you're glad this is all flowing so naturally for you. you see spencer's bulge become more prominent from the pet name and that makes you smirk.

you get on the bed and put your legs on both sides of his hips so you're straddling him. his hands come up to touch your hips but you quickly shove them down.

"tsk tsk, no touching yet." spencer rolls his eyes at you and he has a small scowl on his face. even though he seems annoyed, you feel his cock pressing into you and his eyes have darkened. the reaction you're getting from him is so amusing you bite your lip to hide the smile that is forming on your face.

you begin to slowly roll your hips on his pelvis, your skirt begins to bunch up which slightly shows your underwear. you lean forward and slowly start kissing him, your kisses are light and soft. clearly that's not enough for him because he brings his hands to your face to pull you closer. his tongue runs down your bottom lip and you allow him to make the kiss deeper. you hear him let out tiny pants and whimpers as you continue to grind your hips against his.

"please..." he desperately whimpers, he even has a little pout on his face that you can't help but find adorable. hearing how desperate he is makes you almost want to let him fuck you, but you're not ready to give up.

"please what?" you say it like you're unfazed. you look him deep in the eyes waiting for him to ask you properly.

"please, mommy, touch me."

the nickname almost sent you to your knees. your pussy clenched around nothing and you felt yourself becoming wetter and wetter. you tried to stay composed and you silently gulped. you brought your thumb up to his chin and slowly dragged your fingers down his neck, to his collar. he watched your hand untie his tie and quickly unbutton his shirt. you ran your hands down his chest and slightly dug your nails into his torso. he was breathing heavily but he tried to stay quiet, he was unsure of what you would do next.

"lift your head up a bit." you told him and he listened. you took the tie and gently put it over his eyes, he let out a shaky breath as you tied a secure knot at the back of his head.

you started placing wet kisses down his neck at a tauntingly slow pace. his hands flinched as he desperately wanted to grab you but you had his wrist under your strong grip. you scooted your lower body down to his thighs and he whined at the loss of your warmth on his crotch. you kissed down his chest to his lower stomach. you spent time sucking the skin right above his belt and you heard his breathing become uneven. you hastily began unbuckling his belt but instead of pulling down his pants you took the belt and sat up.

"wh- what are you doing?" he voice quivered and you enjoyed every bit of it.

"put your wrist together."

spencer slowly did as you told and you began wrapping his belt around his wrist. you made sure to make it tight enough that his large hands couldn't squeeze through, but not tight enough to constrict blood flow.

you watched as he audibly gulped. "i didn't think you were into this." he anxiously chuckled and you could see nervous sweat was forming on his forehead.

"i'm full of surprises..." you whisper in his ear and you watch him shiver from the feeling of your warm breath against his neck.

you finally make your way down to his pants and slowly pull them down to his knees. you see a small wet spot of precum on his boxers and his cock strains against the fabric of his underwear. you hook your fingers under the waistband of his underwear and pepper kisses on his hip bones. his hips buck slightly, trying to get you to give him some sort of friction but that just makes you want to go slower.

"st-stop teasing me, please. im begging." he sounds as if he is about to cry. like you're making him so hard that it hurts.

the sound of him begging you makes you press your thighs together as you try to satisfy yourself as well. you finally pull his boxers down and as soon as his dick is out you wrap your lips around his tip.

"ah- shit.." he hisses and you watch his face as his jaw slacks open and he lets out a shuddered groan.

you continue to swipe your tongue along his tip, tasting his salty precum. you don't put all of him in your mouth. you just continue to slowly move up and down the tip and gathering saliva.

"mommy, please. i need more." he lets out in a semi- high pitched moan.

hearing the nickname again caused you to moan right on his cock sending a vibration right through him. his hips bucked and you allowed him to push himself all the way to the back of your mouth. you began to bob your head up and down his shaft and putting one hand at the base of his cock. you hollowed your cheeks to create suction and he let out a loud groan.

"fuck- please keep doing that. your mouth feels so good."

he was whimpering for you. his desperate tone made you move faster and you began swirling your tongue all around his tip as you bobbed your head up and down his shafts. his hips bucked again, this time hitting you so far that you gagged and spit began dribbling down your chin.

"i- im so close, mommy, im gunna-" as soon as you hear him say that you take him out of your mouth and step of the bed. you watch as he squirms slightly from the loss of contact. you wipe the spit off your chin and see his cock twitch slightly as it's desperate to finish.

"not yet."

"wh-why did you stop, i was so close." he continued to whine and you chose not to respond.

you quickly pulled down your skirt and took off your sweater vest. you unbutton your shirt, leaving yourself in just your underwear. you left the clothes to pool on the floor and you walked over to spencer. you untied the knot behind his head and threw the tie somewhere on the floor. you watched as his eyes readjusted to being able to see again and you had a proud smile on your face. he watched you as you laid on the bed but in the opposite direction to him. you bent your knees up so that your pussy was right in his line of sight and you propped yourself on your elbows that were right next to his thigh. he bit his lip and let out a small mewl as he realized what you were about to do.

"you're going to watch me touch myself, and you can't do anything about it."

his eyebrows went up in surprise and you saw him try to break from the restraint of his belt. you giggled at how desperate he was to be able to touch himself.

"just be patient, baby boy. you'll get to cum inside me soon."

you bit your lip as you laid down on your back. you slowly trailed your hands down from your breast to your pelvis. your breath became shallow as you watched him watch your hands enter your underwear. seeing his dick twitch just from the sight of you turned you on an insane amount. as soon as your finger made contact with your sensitive clit you let out a small moan that escaped the back of your throat. you felt the silky wetness between your legs as you rubbed your clit in gentle circles. your face scrunched in pleasure as you threw your head back from the sensation. you turned your head to look at spencer's face. his eyes were so focused on your hands between your legs. his face looked as if he had never seen anything like it. various moans and whimpers escaped your throat and you tried to keep your eyes open to watch him but it just felt too good.

"spencer, do you see how wet i am for you?" you asked rhetorically in a condescending tone. you saw his dick twitch again at your words and he bit his lip and nodded his head.

you felt yourself getting closer to your high. and you brought your other hand to your breast and began kneading it through your bra. your pussy began to tighten as you felt the knot in your lower stomach tightening as it got close to unravel. your back arched and you couldn't control the sounds that started coming out of your mouth. you heard spencer groan slightly as he watched you. you increased the speed on your fingers and you let out a loud long mix of moans and pants. your whole body shuddered and your toes curled as you came all over your fingers. you felt the throbbing feeling in your core spread throughout your body. you stayed for a second catching your breath and slowly sat up.

you looked at spencer and you chuckled a little bit and let out a few deep breaths. spencer looked at you expectantly and you knew what he wanted but you still wanted to make him ask. you crawled over to him so that you guys were face to face with each other. you rubbed the two fingers that were previously inside you along his bottom lip. his mouth parted slightly and you pushed your fingers in. his tongue swirled and he sucked around your fingers and you both moaned. you pumped your fingers a few times before dragging them down his chin and then wrapping your hand around his neck. you didn't squeeze but you just used it to tilt his head up to look at you.

"what do you want, baby boy?" you asked him mockingly.

"i-i want you to fuck me, please."

"you did so well for me today, i think you deserve it."

you saw relief flush his face as soon as he heard you agree. he let out an exhale as he watched you reach up and unbuckle his belt around his wrist. you threw the belt on the floor and then proceeded to unclasp your bra and then tug off your underwear. spencer kept his hands by his side, scared that if he touched you, you would stop. you bring yourself back into a straddling position and tease his length with the entrance of your wet pussy.

"i'm practically dripping for you..." you sensually moaned as you sank down on his cock.

you watched as his face scrunched up and his breath shuddered. you could feel that both you and him were still throbbing inside of you. you began to roll your hips at a painfully slow pace. you put your hands back on his throat and gently squeezed at the sides. spencer started releasing high pitched whimpers and you had small moans trapped in the back of your throat.

"c-can i please touch you?"

you paused for a moment before nodding your head. his hands instantly went to your hips and he gripped you tightly. he started to guide your hips up and down his cock and you felt him start to repeatedly rub against your g-spot. a soft moan escaped both of you as you felt him rubbing against your sensitive walls. you began to bounce up and down on and tightened your squeeze around his throat. you felt the familiar feeling inside you as you felt yourself getting closer. spencer noticed how close you were and started to rub your clit with one of his thumbs. you let out a shaky groan from the over-stimulation and you clenched around him.

"f-fuck, i'm gunna cum."

"you don't get to cum until i tell you to." you slow down your movements slightly and begin to grind on him. you take your hand off his throat and you push both of his wrists into the bed.

you feel yourself getting ready to finish and your clit rubs against his pelvis and his tip teases your g-spot. you watch as he tries to squirm to keep himself from cumming.

"i don't think i c-can - fuck - hold it. please, cum with me, mommy."

the pet name sends you over the edge and your whole body shakes. you let go of spencer's wrists and his hands immediately dig into your hips as he gives you a few sloppy thrusts as he finishes deep inside you. you feel yourself pulsing around him as his load spills inside of you. he relaxes his grip on your hips and you lay your head in the crook of his neck. you feel sweat form on your forehead and you listen to both of your heavy breathing. once you officially come down from your high, you slowly pull yourself off of him and wince at the feeling. your legs are shaking slightly so you don't bother to try and stand up. you lay down on your stomach and look up at spencer.

he turns his head in your direction and a huge smile forms on his face. you both start laughing with each other, you don't know why but suddenly everything feels a lot lighter.

you want to fall asleep right then and there but you know that you both need to wash the sex scent off.

"we should shower." you whisper and you press your arms into the mattress in an attempt to lift yourself up.

your legs wobble as the touch the ground but you move slowly so you don't fall. you hear spencer quietly giggling and you turn to him with a fake annoyed expression on your face.

"what's so funny?"

"i just didn't know you had a mommy kink but i probably should've expected it." he teases you and you just laugh in response. you didn't think you had a mommy kink either but the feeling between your legs says otherwise. you slowly make your way over to the end of the bed and pull off spencer's mismatched socks.

"my grandmother said that they are good luck, so that's why i wear them mismatched."

"i think it's cute." you respond as you pull his pants and boxers all the way down and off his legs.

"oh, then i'll definitely keep wearing them."

his comment makes you blush and a warm feeling erupts in your tummy. you wait as spencer gets off the bed and you both head to the bathroom.

you ponder on how the dynamic between the two of you continues to change. or how you guys can go from fighting to having sex to avoiding eachother to being friends all over again. one of you is pulling away while the other is clinging on. you've never felt like you need anyone before until now. you make a mental note to yourself that you would try your best not to hurt spencer anymore. you actually wanted him to stick around. spencer grabs a piece of toilet paper and crouches down between your legs. you watch as his tongue slightly darts out of his mouth as he focuses on cleaning up the cum on your inner thighs.

you suddenly realize that he came inside you.

"i'm on birth control by the way, and i'm clean. sorry for not saying that earlier." you urgently blurt it out.

"it's okay, i know you would've said something or grabbed a condom if you weren't." he gives you a small grin as he stands up and you smile at the fact that he trusts you. how does he trust you so much already? for all he knows you could be trying to get pregnant with his babies. your body slightly cringes at the thought of having children and spencer notices your sudden behavior.

"is everything okay? did i do something?" his face looks so worried that you feel bad and your face slightly pouts.

"no spencer," you let out a breathy laugh, "i'm just cold, can you hurry and turn on the shower?" you ask him softly and he turns away from you and gets the shower on.

as you wait for him to find a good water temperature, you sit on the toilet and pee. when you're done he has already stepped in and he puts his hand out for you to grab. the hotel has a rain shower so the water immediately touches your head and runs down your body. the warmth relaxes both you and spencer's bodies and you let out a satisfied sigh.

you both silently agree that hotel shampoo and conditioner is shitty so you just go straight for the body wash. you put the liquid soap on a wash cloth and begin rubbing him in circles watching as the soap builds up in his skin. you pepper little kisses across his face and jaw as you clean him. you're being gentle and caring which really surprises you. you didn't think you were capable of being so soft and vulnerable with someone. as spencer rinses his body you begin to scrub your own with a separate washcloth. you glance at spencer to see that he is watching you clean yourself with a look in his eyes that you just can't decipher.

"why are you looking at me like that?" you speak over the sound of the water hitting the shower floor.

"like what? i'm not even really looking at you that much." he tries to look away from you but it's really hard to look elsewhere in a small shower with a naked lady inside with you.

"you have this look on your face. is there something you wanna say?" you ask him teasingly as you move closer to him so you can also rinse the soap off of you. his body flinches back to give you space and he urgently shakes his head.

"okay, sure..." you elongate the "sure" and stare at him suspiciously.

does he regret having sex with you?

that would be shitty, you were just starting to get comfortable.

"also, i'm sorry about what i said earlier. it was fucked up that i kept hurting you." you look up at him as water runs down both your faces. he reaches his hand up and pushes loose strands of wet hair out of your face. his hand rest along your jaw and you tilt your head leaning into his touch. his thumb makes soft strokes along your cheek as he leans forward to give you a quick kiss.

"i forgive you, i don't think i could honestly ever stay mad at you." his words warm your heart and you leave a soft kiss on his palm.

you reach behind him and turn off the shower. you step out and grab both you and him a towel. you walk over to the sink and grab the hotel's lotion. you walk out of the bathroom and sit on the edge of the bed with your towel wrapped around you. spencer stands outside of the bathroom door with the towel wrapped around his hips. the light from the bathroom is weak but you can still see pretty much everything. his wet hair slightly glistening from the fluorescent light. his sharp adam's apple that bobbed up and down as he spoke. the drops of water on his chest accentuated his collar bones. there is a light happy trail that leads down to his abdomen that you find insanely attractive.

you're mind thinks back again to when you first saw him and thought he was the most beautiful creature, and that couldn't be any more true then it is right now.

"come sit next to me." you asked him and put you hand on the bed where you wanted him to sit. you put some lotion on your hands and when he sat down you gently grabbed his wrist and started massaging the lotion into them.

"sorry, i'm not as good at this aftercare thing as you are." you nervous chuckled as you rubbed your thumbs over the light red marks that were taking place on his wrist.

you finish and then switch to his other wrist, repeating the same motion.

"no, you're doing a good job. why do you think you aren't good at taking care of people?"

"god, you sound like a fucking therapist." you silently chuckle but he gives you a face that says "i'm expecting an answer."

"i don't know..." your answer is barely audible and you huff out a breath. you look down and focus your eyes on his hand that you just finished massaging.

"is it because of your mom?"

your heart shatters from his words and you can't stop the frown that forms on your face. you suddenly feel like your mind is flashing to thousands of memories of your mom. so many emotions at once suddenly come forward. you suddenly feel water dripping down your chin and you realize your crying. spencer doesn't hesitate to wrap his arm around you and you instantly start sobbing into the crook of his neck. he continues to whisper soothing phrases into your ear as you cry out all of the anger and sadness you feel from your past. you think about all the times your mom has cooked for you, hugged you, argued with you. you think about all the times she tried to help you through an anxious episode. you think about the relief on her face when she saw that you made it home that day you put your life in complete danger.

the crying lasts for a while until your body stops shaking and your breathing evens out. you slowly sit up and wipe the tears that threaten to fall from your eyes once again.

"are you feeling better?" he places his finger under your chin and you look up into his gorgeous hazel eyes.

you nod your head and he wipes one loose tear from your cheek.

"sorry for crying. again." you sniffle out and try giving him a soft smile as you play with the hem of your towel. "i just miss her so much, and it sucks knowing that she never got the chance to know me." your voice cracks, and your lower lip trembles slightly but you are able to keep yourself together this time.

"it's okay, i understand." he looks down and you watch as his hands fiddle with each other. he takes in a breath to prepare himself for what he wants to say.

"sometimes, well most of the time," his voice quivers slightly and you tilt your head down to try and look him in the eyes. "when i visit my mom, she doesn't know who i am and uh- she uh- she still thinks i'm right years old sometimes." you watch a tear roll down his cheek and even though he chuckles lightly at the last part you can tell it breaks his heart.

"so i know how you feel about feeling like you don't know your mom." you pout and feel another tear fall from your eyes as you hear the heartbreaking things he has gone through. you swipe your thumb on his cheekbones wiping his tears.

his words are genuinely reassuring and you deeply appreciate him sharing things with you. sometimes he is so perfect it makes you upset. it makes you doubt yourself. you don't feel worthy of his affection but you're too tired to deal with that part of yourself.

"i know we have work tomorrow but could you stay? you can leave early in the morning." you feel shy as you ask him. you basically mumbled it but he could still hear you.

"yeah definitely. you know you're loved right?"

"don't say things like that..."

"why?"

"because it makes it impossible to hate you." an adorably proud grin forms on his face from your words. you were so tired of the mess you were making from trying to outsmart your own feelings that these words showed your surrender.

his smile made you smile and you start quietly giggling. things between the two of you were constantly changing. you were mad and annoyed with each other, until the next moment you can't get enough of each other.

he presses his forehead to yours and gives you a chaste kiss on the lips.

"i have a shirt and basketball shorts you can probably borrow." you get up and start digging through your go-bag. you find a big t-shirt with your university's logo on it. you toss it on the bed and a pair of loose basketball shorts.

your grab yourself a tank top and underwear. you put the underwear on while you're still wrapped in the towel and then the tank top after you drop the towel on the floor. when you turn around spencer is already in your clothes. he looks so cute and you can't help but think about how they are going to smell like him later.

you both make your way crawling into the covers. you lay down on your side with your arm under the pillow your head lays on. spencer lays on his back with his head turned to face you. the moonlight shines through the curtains and right onto his face. you feel this invisible pull that causes you to scoot over and lay your head on his warm chest. you feel his breathing stop for a second but he wraps his arm around your back and turns over so that his stomach is against yours. you already feel the effects of sleep pull you under as you lazily wrap your hand around his lower back.

you both fall asleep in that position, legs tangled together and arms in a warm embrace. breathing in each other's soothing scents with a mix of vanilla oatmeal and eucalyptus mint.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \--------  
> A/N  
> yo... that last sentance was kinda fire. anyways DOM READER ASF. we need more dom reader stuff tbh :)
> 
> when i first started writing this chapter i thought i was gunna hate it but it isn't that bad. the next chapter will have case stuff.  
> *harry met sally reference in there asf


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kind of a filler :/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: more case stuff, mentions of rape, kidnapping an brief self-harm. weed talk

you stifled awake slightly, suddenly feeling cold. your eyes are still closed but you feel around your bed and your hand rubs onto the bed sheet where there is an imprint of where spencer was just laying.

_spencer!_

you quickly sit up and groan in confusion because you're still half asleep. you then glance down to the foot of the bed and see spencer picking up his clothes. he looks up and gives you a quick smile and you smile back at him a little disappointed though you know he is doing the right thing by leaving. after gathering his stuff he leans over the edge of the bed and gives you a quick kiss on the cheek.

"I'll see you in exactly one hour, twenty-eight minutes, and forty-two seconds when my alarm goes off." he whispers as he glances at the clock. even though he is whispering you can hear the joyous tone in his voice. he sounds super excited about god knows what. you almost started to miss him but you remembered that you guys literally worked together, which you knew would be another issue another day. you were too loopy to even think, everything that early morning happened so fast you remember mumbling and then falling back asleep.

\--------

your alarm goes off an hour later and you get out of bed immediately. you feel super well-rested and light on your feet. the reality was slightly hitting that you were still on a case but it was the kind of case that made your job more interesting. you brushed your teeth and got dressed in your basic bikini underwear and a gray t-shirt bra. you wore your black mid-rise jeans, since they passed as professional attire, and a short sleeve button up faded blue blouse. you grabbed your phone, purse and tied your gun holster around your waist.

hotch had everyone meet in the lobby and you saw everyone walk in pretty much at the same time. you all congregated together and you saw spencer was already near hotch. as soon as he saw you, a light blush crept on his cheeks. he looked down at his shoes to keep himself from staring. you bit your inner cheeks to try and keep the smile from spreading on your face. it was definitely interesting seeing how versatile of man he is. when he is at work he is awkward but still very sure of himself and knows how to do his job. outside of work he seems to be super socially unaware and can't get a sentence out without stuttering but when he was with you... he was something else. he could be very comfortable and confident around you, he has made you feel things you've never felt in more ways than one.

"alright. i got a call from the police station. a petite blonde woman was kidnapped last night. jj i want you to go talk to the husband he is at the precinct, morgan and reid try to find some antique store that knows of any doll lines that relate to this unsub's collection, emily and y/l/n i'd like you to go to a seamstress with the dress the unsub sewed to try and see if that may lead us to where she works. rossi and i will go see the bodies to get more information on how the victims were treated. call us with updates." you all nod your heads and go your separate ways. you and emily get in the SUV and she drives while you sit next to her in the passenger seat.

you guys make regular banter and you just talk about life in general.

"oh my god! last night i was just laying in bed on my phone and i thought i heard someone crying "mommy" or something. it was pretty muffled and then i heard it again! it honestly sounded like moaning. i almost ran to you and jj's room to tell you guys but i didn't wanna wake anyone. you probably heard it if you weren't asleep." emily was having a really good laugh at this and your face went red hot. you kept your expression blank and then you let out a fit of nervous laughter. trying to hide the fact that she probably heard spencer's moans.

_oh gosh this is so bad. she's a fucking profiler!! she isn't stupid. just play it cool_

"no i didn't hear it, wish i did though that's pretty entertaining." you try and give her a genuine smile and you feel your palms getting sweaty.

"are you like... into that stuff?"

"into what stuff?" you snap your head to fully face and she glances at you but focuses back on the road.

"like all that mommy daddy stuff, or just kinky things in general" you hadn't thought about it much but there was definitely stuff you wanted to try but isn't everyone? you'd have to ask spencer about it later because that genius brain of his probably knows a lot more than you.

"isn't everyone though?" you answer her, it's vague. you didn't say what you were into exactly so she can't profile you off of anything.

"hmm true. anyways we're here." you both unbuckle your seatbelts and you grab the evidence bag from the back seat.

\---------

when you all meet back at the station you see that the victim's husband is still there. your heart breaks a little bit when you see the look on his face. you all inform each other of what you gathered. you and emily told them about how when you showed the tailor the dress they said it was outdated, something they don't even sell anymore. apparently, whoever had been sewing these has been doing it for a very long time. she had perfected something called a "handkerchief stitch." morgan and spencer had gone to an antique doll shop and described the victims to the owner. he said it's the "valois line", used to promote feminism in young girls in the eighties. morgan and reid had found out there was a contest for the dolls to write letters and make dresses. the brand received a lot of concerning submissions so they decided to stop the event and turn the evidence over to the police. which then made hotch proceed to task the team with looking through _every. single. submission._ from the eighties. hotch and rossi had found that apparently, this unsub is so committed to recreating her dolls that she had sewed cheap fake hair into their scalp as if they were a real doll. that part made your whole body cringe.

you all looked through various doll dresses and letters until you found one that matched. "em look at this, isn't this the handkerchief stitch?"

"yeah... yeah that is!" emily quickly stands up and walks over to derek. "derek, is the name samantha malcolm on your list of concerning letters?"

"yeah, she's on my list." he picks up the essay and begins to read, "sally doesn't like the room with the lightning."

"that can't be good." emily says with her eyebrows quirked into a worried expression.

"guys!" jj walked over to all of you. "our latest victim is diabetic. she could either clean the drugs out of her system better or they could kill her, either way she can't go twenty four hours without inulin." jj said in a rushed voice. this meant the case was now an extreme emergency. before they technically weren't in harms way but we needed to work faster.

derek pulls out his phone and calls garcia and has her search over samantha's record since we practically had everything, we just needed a location.

"i just got samantha's records and... oh my god she was doomed." you can hear the pout in her face and you all look at each other on your end of the phone.

"garcia what happened?" you asked after her long pause.

"oh uh- ya sorry." you hear her typing on her computer. "for the first ten years nothing and then suddenly she is put into a _ton_ of electroshock treatment." garcia's voice is filled with disbelief and sadness. she holds so much empathy for others you have no idea how she survives.

"at ten! who subjects a child to electroshock therapy!?" you look up at spencer and see a face that can only be described as pure disgust and rage. you were also filled with this irky feeling, who would do such a thing to a kid.

"that would be her father, doctor. arthur malcolm. he said it was for her to deal with the recent death of her mother..." garcia answered his question and what she said made your blood absolutely boil.

"her father declared her as incompetent, he still has full custody. he had her put in a halfway house though." your face turned to a deep scowl and you turned to hotch.

"whether she is there or not, i want to talk to the father." you knew you were going to go whether hotch said no or not but luckily he nodded his head. you heard yell something about reid but as soon as you got his permission you speed-walked out of the building.

"i'm coming with you!" you heard spencer call after you in the parking lot as he attempted to jog toward you.

you silently unlocked one of the SUV's and got in the driver's seat. as soon as spencer got in you started the car. so many thoughts running through your head all making you more and more aggravated. one thing you were good at was projecting your anger into different ways so you wouldn't ever just turn into a fit of blind rage. you were squeezing the steering wheel so hard you thought you would dent it.

_am i going to kill this man? maybe Phd in prepubescent psychology my ass!! you just wanted more access to children!_

the absolute fire that was coursing through you was crazy. you've dealt with serial molestor's before but this really angered you. who knew how many girls he had hurt or how many times h-

"hey calm down. i'm just as disgusted as you are but we don't want you in trouble." spencer's hand softly squeezed your thigh and then rested on it. his touch brought you down back to earth and you took a few deep breaths until your breathing evened out.

"thank you. i'm glad you're coming with me. i'd probably end up beating him up." you huffed out a breath through your slightly gritted teeth. you were half-joking, you were planning on at least getting a few punches in there.

"i wouldn't be surprised, i suspected you have a hard time controlling your anger." your jaw clenched and you were kind of hurt by his comment. you knew he wasn't judging you but it kind of upset you. it's not his fault, he is right. you do have a hard time but it's expected when you have a father who tends to lash out. you felt tears slightly brim in your eyes but you pushed them down, it wasn't time to focus on that.

"let's just talk to this bastard." you turned into his office building and flashed your badge at the receptionist heading straight to his office.

you walk into his office not bothering to knock. you see a startled man with shaggy grey hair and a white lab coat sitting at his desk. behind him is a shelf filled with books and various games. at the very center of the shelf there are different types of girly toys like ponies and different animal stuffies.

"where is samantha?" you immediately ask him and spencer stands next to you flashing his badge to show that you are allowed to be here.

"i doubt anything that you have going on has to do with samantha." the sick fuck spluters out and you walk closer to his desk.

"actually, we have three murders that directly correlate to her, so where is she? in one of your halfway houses?" you voice is stern and filled with bite. you're breathing deeply through your nose trying to hold yourself back from socking him right in the face.

"as a matter of fact she is?"

"well we need her address." spencer just watches you as you take control of this interview completely on your own.

"and I'll need an explanation." he tries to hold some sort of authority over you with his voice but it doesn't work.

"you're happy to have her out of your way aren't you?" you scowl your face at him. "alone with no other patients?" you taunt him.

"well we both thought it was bes-"

"bullshit!" you quickly sit in the chair on the opposite side of his desk, you see spencer flinch slightly in the corner of your eye. you crouch forward and stare him dead in the eyes. your voice turns to a cold whisper. "because if you had been visiting her lately, you would know what she's been doing."

"my samantha isn't capable of such things." the man breaks eye contact with you and looks down to his hands.

"are you sure about that? electroshock therapy at such a young age, the effects are permanent." 

"her mother died when she was ten. i tried everything, samantha never recovered. she was cutting herself!" he raised his voice at the last part as if to further prove his point and justify his actions but you knew there was more to the story. you stood up and walked over to his shelf.

"quick question, why are these toys all the way up here. no child could reach these."

"i use them in my therapy." he answers quietly. he is beginning to get antsy, he knows you are close to figuring him out.

"no i get that. why are some of them all the way up here?" you ask him sarcastically.

"those are... gifts, from patients I've helped."

"mhmm okay so what's the name of the kid who this one came from?" you show him a stuffed unicorn.

"jennie larson."

"how about this one?" you point to another toy

"abigail moore."

"i bet these girls are between the ages of 9 and 12 aren't they?"

"my phd is on the effect of trauma on prepubescent girls. i do not appreciate what you're implying."

"no see what i think is that you raped your daughter, taking advantage of her already lack of social awareness, and then proceeded to put her in electroshock therapy and using your wife's death as a cover."

"that's outrageous!"

"out of guilt you bought her a line of dolls because that's what serial molesters do, buy gifts. samantha was too old for you though wasn't she? so you continued the pattern with other patients and also gave them gifts." he paused for a moment stunned by your words.

"you can't prove anything." his voice was timid

"you could tell us where samantha is and _maybe_ I'll tell the DA you cooperated _."_

he took out a piece of paper from a notepad and began writing the address

_2529 adams street_

you grabbed the paper and walked out of the building. you handed spencer the address so he could drive. you felt exhausted like you were on a comedown. you called your team and gave the address. you and spencer got to the house before them but you decided to stay outside and wait for them. spencer went inside but you didn't hear any commotion just talking. we knew she wouldn't be outwardly violent, all she wanted was her toys. you met with the team and other officers inside. you informed hotch of the situation and before you knew it you saw three women being carried out in ambulance cots dressed in colorful dresses. you watched as the victims' boyfriends and husband ran over to them. you're glad this was a case where everyone was okay.

you then see reid walk out with the unsub. she is holding a small suitcase that you presumed was filled with dolls. her face was filled with content that she had finally gotten all she wanted.

\---------

you all go to the hotel and grab your things heading straight to the jet. you and spencer sat in the single seats that faced each other and had a table in the middle. you both were both just reading your respective books, well he read four but you were reading _"The Island Of Sea Women_ " it was a book about the women on the island of jeju and your history teacher gave it to you. you thoroughly enjoyed it so you come back to it every once in a while. spencer was flying through this book of poems and the sound of pages constantly flipping was slightly irritating but he was so focused it was adorable. spencer's knees were also pressed against yours since he was so tall but you didn't mind. he did a lot of things that would've annoyed you if they were done by other people and would make you want to walk away immediately. with spencer it was endearing.

"you and pretty boy should start a book club." derek's voice pulls you out of your thoughts and you turn to answer him.

"oh you guys didn't know? we already have one, two people only though. sorry derek." you answer sarcastically and morgan fake pouts. you see spencer blushing behind his book and you gently kick his ankle under the table.

you turn back to your book and after a little while you get curious. you saw him underline something.

"hey you look through my book and i look through yours?" you ask but you don't give him time to even process what you said. you just grab the book and pass yours over to him.

"my book has notes from like, eighth grade so you can look at those if you want. also what could be so important that your eidetic brain felt like it had to highlight?" you tease him and his eyes are wide with panic and his face is red. you find the page and you see that it's an edgar allen poe poem.

_"we loved with a love that was more than love"_

you read the quote and blush slightly. this was so typical of spencer, always daydreaming about romance. you didn't read it out loud because you knew how embarrassed he'd get. once he registers that you had read it he reaches to grab it from you and you flinch a little before giving it back to him. you laugh playfully at his reaction and he seems really annoyed.

"you shouldn't touch other people's stuff." he huffs out at you and you're slightly taken aback. you were honestly pretty stunned, you thought that after everything you guys could share fucking books together.

\---------

when you guys get back to quantico, you dive straight into your paperwork stack. by the time you were around halfway through it was 6:30 pm and you decided you wanted to finish the rest of it at home. you tired but you were also mostly insecure about what spencer had said. you were very good at overthinking and you kinda went down a small spiral while you were doing paperwork. you decided it would be best if you went back to your apartment to clear your head. you also needed to process the shit that went down today. you were invigorated, to say the least but knowing that the father's dirty laundry would be aired out soon was pretty comforting. as you grab your stuff you say your general goodbyes to everyone so technically you didn't avoid him and you yell one last goodbye to hotch and rossi since their office doors were open. you head to the elevator and ride it _alone_ thankfully. you put your files and go bag in the backseat of your car and as you're about to start driving you get a text ping. it said it was from garcia, you all had to have each other's numbers for work but it was a group chat message.

penelope:

_OMG Y/N welcome to the bau girlies groupchat! i am formally invitng you to a girls night at my house over the weekend yes it is a slumber party and attendance is mandatory_ 😡

_ jj _ :

j _eez pen don't scare her!_

emily:

_yeah we actually want her to come_ 🙄

of course you love and trust your co-workers but you never got the opportunity to get to know them in an unprofessional setting. you guys went out for drinks but you spent most of that time with spencer. your heart flutters thinking about that day. he was so pure and-

emily:

_also bring wine please_ 🙏🏻😩

penelope:

_YES i want to get blackout drunk_

_ jj: _

_it's a no for me but i'll babysit!_

you laugh at their messages for a little bit and then you have an idea. it's risky, considering you guys are law enforcement and it's not _fully_ legal in your state yet. you bite your lip as you ponder and weigh out all the risks and you decide to say _fuck it_ you guys don't deal with petty crimes.

me:

_do you guys smoke weed? i'm not actually that big on alcohol_.

it doesn't take them that long to reply but in your head it does. those two seconds of awaiting there response had your palms sweaty.

emily:

_ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME? it's been so long how do you get it?_

me:

_i have a guy in cali who delivers, i haven't smoked in a while but i'd love to get you guys some :)_

penelope:

_OH MU GOSH i love you so much. i told you guys she was gunna be my favorite_ 😻

_ jj: _

_ya i'll still sit this one out but i cannot wait to watch._

penolope:

_okay so my house on saturday at 5pm or something_

you send a quick yes and penolope texts you her address. you tuck your phone away back in your pocket and you started to get really excited. it had been a while since you have hung with girls just for fun. you think it'll be good for you to get close to someone else besides spencer and you just needed some friends in general. you were ready to get to know them outside of work for real and you couldn't wait. it really did put a smile on your face to see how happy they were to be hanging out with you and you were forever grateful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \--------   
> A/N   
> YES y/n does smoke weed. i just put that in there just bcuz i thought it would be fun to write ab.  
> the next chapter will probably be the girls night and more spencer next chapter


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: brief sexual content, substance abuse talk

it was monday when penelope had invited you over, now it's friday. there were no cases, just another paperwork day. it was the brink of autumn now. things were getting cooler, leaves were changing color and the wind was becoming harsher. your favorite weather was the transitional phases of the seasons and you were also excited because you would get to hangout with your friends tomorrow.

you and spencer had been okay the whole week. well, you were never really okay, you knew there were a lot of issues going on with the both of you but things were pretty decent. one thing that you did realize is that you didn't really want anyone else which surprised you. you guys technically weren't exclusive but it felt weird for some reason if you were to even try dating. it was annoying, really. you wanted to actually try dating. it did make you feel better though that spencer wasn't a big dater either. he obviously didn't like meeting new people which was somewhat comforting because you knew he could have anyone he wanted if he would just try. when you were done with your paperwork you grabbed a book from your drawer and turned the files into. you were about to leave his office to go over to penelope's cave but then he called you back.

"agent y/l/n?" he asked in his regular low tone.

you were halfway out the door so you leaned on the doorway and peaked your head through the frame.

"yeah?"

"i think we should talk soon about you and doctor reid." he said it casually but a flash of fear went through you. you honestly didn't even know what you guys were, how were you going to explain that to your boss?

"oh uh yes sir."

hotch nods his head and you walk away heaving a sigh. you suddenly felt so uncomfortable but the more you thought about it the more you realized that just because hotch wants to talk about it doesn't mean something bad will happen. he probably just wanted to make sure things stayed professional, which they did. you guys never did anything in the office that went further then flirting, or arguing. not yet anyway.

\-----------

you and penelope just hang out in her office. you sit next to her reading your book and she does all her tech analyst stuff as you guys make regular conversation. after an hour or so you feel yourself growing tired.

"alright pen, i'm just gonna head home." you saw mid yawn and push yourself out of the desk chair.

"okay my love, i'll be seeing you tomorrow! i can't wait! we are going to have so. much. fun." she smiles at you and gives you a flirty wink.

you blow her a kiss and wave goodbye as you leave her bat cave. you feel the positive energy that garcia gives off all the way home. you breathe in the autumn air as you drive home. you don't know what you're in such a good mood for but apparently the day isn't over.

\--------

you get home, shower and sit on the couch awaiting your "delivery". you're beginning to get antsy and bored with your tv until you here the doorbell ring. you actually check your peephole this time and see that it's spencer. you aren't disappointed though, you're actually pretty elated by the surprise. even though you guys work together, for some reason it feels like forever since you've hung out with him.

"hey!" you swing the door open and greet him.

he looks down at you with a quizzical expression on his face.

"you're in a good mood." he observes. he is still in his work clothes while you're in your lounge wear. he walks right past you and his eyes take a quick scan of your apartment before turning back to you. "you aren't usually that happy to see me." he talks to you suspiciously.

"really? i didn't realize..." now that you think about it, most of the times you have had spencer try to be with you one on one you've been irritated. that is until he fucks you so good that you cry after.

he must notice what you're thinking and thinking the same thing because he lets out a soft chuckle but doesn't point it out.

"why are you here anyways?"

"oh i uh- i just- you were in a really good mood today and i sort of missed you so i thought i'd come hang out. i sort of wanted to see you before you went to garcia's tomorrow. if that's okay." he rubs the back of his neck and his voice sounds unsure. he is usually not so awkward around you, he had that guts to come last time but he seems so nervous. he does tend to be a nervous person in general. you're about to let it go until you realize something.

"wait are you jealous that i'm going to be spending the night with them?"

"what! that's- no that's not it, that doesn't even make sense. you're allowed to spend time with other people, it's not like y- you're my girlfriend." his voice cracks slightly and he looks down to his feet. you're amused but also touched that spencer is slightly jealous that you're going to be spending a lot of time with someone else. he said you weren't his girlfriend, which is true, but he said it like he was reminding himself that you weren't his. you weren't sure how you felt about the subject so you chose to leave it alone.

"awww im touched. so im guessing you want to hangout with me first before i hangout with the girls tomorrow huh?" you poke his shoulder and look up at him with knowing eyes.

"well i thought we could uh- hangout normally? i guess, since we've never actually done that before and-"

"spencer it's okay. i'm happy to hangout with you. plus it's your first time actually inside my place." you beam up at him. you're giddy about him being jealous that he wants to be the one who spends the most time with you. you also just didn't feel like pushing him away this time.

"ya it's nice." he presses his lips into a thin line and nods his head. it looks like he is gripping onto his satchel for dear life. maybe it's because he is in your house this time, you know spencer can have a hard time with unfamiliar environments.

"okay well i don't have coffee right now, but i have chamomile tea? you look like you need to relax." you eyes quickly scan his behavior and you giggle a little bit. you do actually have coffee, you just don't want to make it because you know that would probably make him more restless.

_since when do i care what spencer drinks? it's not like i care about his well-being to that extent._

you shake the thoughts from your head and continue brewing the tea. you have spencer drop his bag by the door and you hand him his tea and invite him to sit on your couch. with every passing moment you feel him grow more and more comfortable. you guys put on some mindless television that mostly fades into the background because the two of you are too busy just talking.

you guys are hanging out like normal friends do and it was weird in a good way. it wasn't awkward. hearing nothing but spencer's nervous laughter was probably the best thing in the world. whenever you two are together you almost forget about everything else.

you hear your doorbell ring and you lift yourself off the couch and head to the door. when you look through the peephole you see your package and fit of nerves erupts in your chest. you were totally distracted by spencer you forgot that you were expecting that order.

"who is it?" spencer calls from the living room and you turn back to see his head peeking through the arch that separates your living room from the entryway.

"oh it's just a package." you decide it would definitely be more suspicious if you didn't bring it in. you open the door to take the package and then leave it on the kitchen counter. you didn't want to open that in front of spencer. you could tell how he felt about substances and you didn't want to put him in an awkward position.

"what did you order?"

"uh just some little plants." technically that was not a lie. it was a plant, and it was a small amount. you didn't get a whole ounce or anything and you couldn't lie to a profiler.

"oh can i see them?" he asked you so innocently.

"um no i can just open them later, it's fine."

"well you're clearly hiding something because you always tug on your sleeves when you lie." he says matter of factly. he did catch you which sucked, you didn't even realize that was your tell.

he suddenly put his hand to your cheek, making you look at him. "now i'm curious. you're going to open that box for me." his eyes were staring so intensely into yours it had you totally distracted. you felt so small under his gaze that you gulped from his suddenly authoritative tone. 

"spencer, i don't think you'll want me to." you whispered out and suddenly he stood up. his face was playful and teasing, he didn't understand why you were dead serious.

"okay i'll do it myself." before you knew it he was in the kitchen and you stood up so fast and booked it too the kitchen counter.

by the time you get there he already has the box in his hands and is reaching to grab a knife from the knife holder. at that point you don't wanna physically protest with someone who has a knife so you just uncomfortably stand on your tippy toes, gaging his reaction.

his tongue pokes out of his mouth as he rips the box open. his face is confused and then his eyes widen for a second and you see him get slightly red.

_god this awful_

you snatch the box from him and push it onto the counter. you see spencer's eyes just staring down and both of your feet. you slowly reach up and grab his face with your hands to get him to look at you.

"i didn't want to put you in an awkward position." you gave him a shameful shrug and you searched his eyes for any signs of anger but he just seemed like he was reflecting on something.

"it's okay. it's your life and- and i know that that is nowhere near as terrible as what i was doing to myself." he chuckles slightly but his voice is a little shaky.

"do you wanna talk about it?" you softly stroke his cheek with your thumb and he brings his hands to your wrist and slowly pulls them down so that his hands are gently holding yours.

he shakes his head a little bit and his eyes focus on your hand in his. "there really isn't much to talk about at this point. i uh- i've been clean for about three years? that time is still a little fuzzy for me so..." he shrugs his shoulders and sniffles a little bit and you just nod your head in understanding.

"how long did you use for?" you quietly ask him. you don't mean to pry but you just want to know the severity of his addiction. substance abuse is scary and though you have no personal experience to it, you're still concerned.

"three months. it was sort of a casualty of our job. i was kidnapped by an unsub, tobias hankel. though it was actually his other identity that kidnapped me."

"so he had DID?"

"ya, he adapted his father's identity as a way to cope and- and his father, to-tortured me but when he was done tobias would come back and give me dilaudid to help. the cycle went on for two days." a tear fell from his eyes as his voice cracked. you reached up again to quickly wipe the tear from his cheek and then you put your hand back into his.

you were genuinely heartbroken from seeing the pain in his eyes. spencer has been through so much since he was young it felt unfair. you don't know why you did it but you suddenly slowly rolled up his sleeve. you made sure to be careful and smooth with your movements. spencer was being very vulnerable with you right now and you didn't want to startle him.

you've seen spencer's bare arms before but you were too distracted by "other things" to really pay attention. you saw the very faded scar on his inner elbows and you immediately began to tear up. it was very faint but it held a long painful history.

you traced your thumb tenderly over his scar and then you looked back up at him. he was watching your thumb but he seemed calm and mesmerized. you kissed his cheek, then his nose and then his lips. the kiss was so soft at first it was like you were testing to see if he wouldn't break. he just seemed so fragile. this must be what it's like for him when he sees you in a moment of weakness.

"you are so strong, you know that right?" you whisper while your faces are just millimeters apart.

"i feel pretty weak right now." he presses his forehead to yours and you instantly shake your head no. you tilt your head up and kiss him. you tasted a hint of salt on his lips from both your tears.

he immediately deepens the kiss and brings his hands to your face. the kisses are slow but passionate and deep. you guys take a few pauses to breathe but wordlessly go back in. next thing you know your arms are wrapped behind his head and your legs are around his waist. he walks you over to your bedroom and you both start silently taking off your clothes as you kiss each other with intense neediness. as soon as you're both fully undressed he looks up at you and you nod your head to show him he has consent. his movements are slow but deep. he continues to give you tender kisses throughout the whole thing. as soon as you both started to get close. he brought his forehead to yours and looked you in your (e/c) eyes. you both were moaning and panting into each other's mouths. his hazel eyes were practically staring into your soul as you both came at the same time. he laid his head in the crook of your neck as you felt him breathing heavily on top of you. both of you were covered in a thin coat of sweat but you didn't mind. you were perfectly happy with his body up against yours. you gently rubbed your hand up and down his back and kissed his forehead.

eventually, you both get up but you immediately get under the covers and spencer follows suit. you both do it in complete comfortable silence. you feel yourself becoming sleepy as you and spencer just stare at each other with a content look on both your faces. you fall asleep thinking about every touch he gave you was romantic and every movement he made was intended to make you feel good. he was tender and passionate and you felt this feeling surge through you as you looked each other in the eyes. the sex was different this time and you both knew it, it was intense and you've never felt anything like it. you knew there was no coming back from this, whatever this thing was that both of you had, it was life changing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N   
> YAY basically y/n and spencer made love but they just don't know it yet :) i know my note in the last chapter said something totally different lmao but i realised i wanna do this instead. i know it's a little cringy but i hope u guys like it :/
> 
> ALSO if any of you think you're struggling with any sort of substance abuse pls plsss reach out for help. i promise it's worth it and you matter. also i know a lot of my readers are adolescents, weed on a regular basis is not good for you. it fucks up your memory and focus for life so pls stay safe. 
> 
> \- swaggeroni


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: use of substance (nothing graphic, it's just insinuated.)

you wake up saturday morning in the same position you fell asleep. you and spencer are face to face, inches apart from each other. the morning light hits him perfectly and his eye-bags have noticeably faded away.

spencer groans and his face scrunches as he adjusts to the morning sun. "hi." he mumbles out as he rubs his eyes. he turns on his back and looks at the ceiling and then back to you.

"i usually don't sleep that good and it's 9:04." he has a small smile on his face from the fact that he slept later than usual.

"oh well do you want coffee?" you yawn out.

"you said you didn't have coffee?"

"ya well i lied. you were all fidgety and i didn't want to make it worse." you simply state as you push his hair away from his face. the corner of his mouth twitches upwards slightly but he is able to keep himself from smiling.

"oh uh- th-thank you."

"mhmm." you just hum in response.

you both eventually get up and you get dressed but you don't want spencer to have to put his work clothes on again just to be sitting around your house so you gave him a shirt and sweatpants. you both make your way to the kitchen and you make coffee in your very groggy state as spencer sits at the little dining table you have.

"i didn't think you'd let me stay." spencer speaks up hesitantly and you just shrug your shoulders in response. you don't really know how to respond to that.

something about last night was different. it was as if there was suddenly something that had the both of you connected and it just felt wrong to be apart from him right now.

you both drank your coffee at the table and just made casual conversation. neither of you discussed yesterday but it seemed like you both just understood that something had changed.

\---------

spencer ended up staying till three in the afternoon. you guys ate breakfast together and spent most of the day reading on the couch together. spencer must've read almost fifteen of your books as you watched him go back and forth between the small library you had.

"i'm trying to figure out why you like _elenor & park _so much?" he asks you. he seems so curious on how you could be so obsessed with a book about teenage romance that's written so informally.

"it just feels like love i guess, young love anyways. at the time it felt like the closest thing i had gotten to love." you shrug your shoulders and focus your eyes away from your book and onto his.

"well have you ever found it?" he asked you shyly. he sounded hopeful as if there was a specific answer he was looking for. his question made your face heat up and you gulped. that was such an intense question to ask but its isn't weird. why do you suddenly feel so weird?

"um i don't know yet."

he seems satisfied with your answer and just nods his head.

\-------

when the time gets closer to you going to penelope's you feel the need to ask spencer a question. you just feel a little weird if you don't address it.

"does it bother you, that me and the girls are going to be, you know, participating in that stuff?"

"you mean "the girls and i"." he corrects you without looking up from the book.

"spencer, i'm actually trying to be serious." you chuckle out, usually he is the one who has to coerce you into being real.

"no, y/n, it doesn't bother me. i know you guys are being safe and i trust you. can we leave this alone now, you don't have to feel weird around me." he says to you reassuringly. you take a moment to assess his tone and once you've decided it's genuine you nod your head in agreement.

eventually, you reluctantly have spencer leave your apartment since you needed to be at garcia's by five. spencer had changed back into his work clothes and left the shirt and pants you gave him on the bed.

you went into your room to pack a small duffel bag with your toiletries and clothes. you looked over at the clothes on your bed and you pick up the shirt and sniff it.

_it does smell just like him. y/n that was fucking disgusting._

you resist the urge to pack the shirt with you to sleep in but you don't put it in the laundry either. you weren't ready to wash the scent of old books and a slightly minty cologne off.

you try to pack your "stuff" as discreetly as possible as if you're going to get pulled over. cops get intimidated as soon as they see your badge, they think you'll destroy their life or something when in reality you're both in completely different fields. in reality, you couldn't do much. you get to penelope's front steps and you feel slightly anxious. you don't hear any noise from inside which means you're the first one here, which only makes you more nervous. you finally ring her doorbell and penelope instantly swings the door open.

"y/n! hello my precious angel." she instantly squeezes you into a hug that is harder then normal. you can't even pull your arms out to hug her back.

"hey pen." you gasp out when she finally lets go. she grabs your elbow and pulls you into her house. you finally get a good look around. she has decorated it in a way that's gothic and colorful at the same time. there are many knick knacks on the shelf and she has a funky auburn armchair and then a regular L couch with throw pillows of all types of colors and shapes. she has an antique looking wooden coffee table in the center of the living room that sits on top of a fluffy pink spiral rug. you suddenly feel so underdressed just from her apartment. you're wearing jeans and a graphic tee with a light jacket on top. her home is honestly breathtaking and wonderful. it has so much vibrancy you instantly feel a lot lighter.

"woahh... pen your home is amazing." you say in awe. you were so distracted that you didn't even realized she had walked into the kitchen. you follow behind her and see the counter has an array of snacks.

there are various chips and sweets and chocolate. there are also veggies and dip, for balance. there are also a multitude of wines but she also had taken out her stronger liquor.

"welcome to mi casa." penelope puts her hands up dramatically and give her a bright genuine smile.

"yeah i love it."

"of course you do, it was decorated by yours truly."

"of course it was." you chuckle out and then you hear the doorbell ring. either jj or emily had just arrived.

when penelope opened the door you actually heard both their voices, which meant they came together. you were suspicious but you knew they were good friends so they probably just thought it would be easier to carpool. you didn't want to profile your only friends.

you, jj and emily all exchanged your eccentric greetings and settled down on penelope's couch with snacks. you just made fun conversation with each other and caught up on just life in general. you felt totally comfortable and were having real blissful fun.

"so..." emily turns to you and raises her brows cheekily.

"what? oh ya! i brought it just let me get my bowl and stuff." you smiled at her giddily. you heard penelope squeal as you went to retrieve everything from your bag.

when you came back jj looked slightly nervous even though you knew she wouldn't participate. penelope looked way too excited- it was adorable. she was like a puppy.

"okay, lets get this party started." you breathed out and everyone let out various small cheers

...

you felt the familiar feeling of your eyes being heavy and your body reactions had completely slowed down. your mind was blank in a good way. you felt numb but sensitive at the same time, physically and mentally. you felt warm and giddy. you were very quiet but you had a playful smile on your face as you listened to penelope try to ramble but consistently lose track. her over active brain couldn't translate through to her mouth and it was fucking hilarious. jj was looking at all of you like your were out of this world crazy, which you kind of were. out of all of you, emily was the one with the most coherent thoughts.

"y/n, i have been waiting for you to be under the influence to ask you this." she said in between laughs and giggles. you were so in your own head you had no clue what she could mean.

you bursted out into a fit of laughter until you finally caught your breath to respond. "what? isn't that kind of fucked up? guys she waited until i was drugged to interrogate me!" you sputtered out trying to keep yourself from laughing.

"i know you and spencer have done it." she giggles out and jj nods her head in agreement. before you can even react, penelope is already screaming.

"you and spence had sex!?" she said the word sex like it was taboo in correlation to spencer. you were shocked and your jaw had dropped but you also couldn't take anything seriously.

"i mean i'm not surprised, you guys were crushing on each other since you joined the team." jj raised her eyebrows at you and spoke knowingly.

you didn't feel like giving up a definite answer just yet so you changed the subject slightly. "ya well what about you and emily, huh? you guys are- are always coming to places together and you always seem to be near each other no matter what." you blurt out your accusation. both emily and jj go red. emily looks like she completely sobered up and penelope's jaw dropped.

"oh. my. glob. is this true?! have you guys been hiding a sapphic romance from me? im hurt." penolope was laughing but she tried to sound as dead serious as she could.

you turned to emily expectantly and she just gulped and collected herself. "stop changing the subject." she chuckled out as she took a sip of water. "this is about you literally pussy whipping spencer!"

"god em! don't say that! it's so gross." you cover your ears like a child but you're filled with warmth at her observation.

w _as spencer really that into you?_

"is it true though?" you asked with your face buried in your hands, nervous about their answer.

"yes!" they all laugh out at once. you join them in another fit of never ending laughter.

"for real though, anytime spence thinks you hate him or something, he will literally be so irritated until you show him some sort of sign that you might like him back." jj answers your thoughts properly.

"ya i've never seen spencer be so _willing_ for someone. sorry i can't find any other words." emily backs jj up and your slightly overwhelmed by the information. your thoughts are spinning and spiraling about what this means for you and spencer.

_does he want more? can i give him more? what if i'm not enough? do i want more? am i ready for more?_

_what about our job?_

"y/n!" you feel penelope shake you

"yeah." you mumble a response.

"are you okay?"

"ya of course." you really were okay, more than okay. you were great, and it felt weird. the more you thought about it, the more you realized how perfect everything was at this very moment and it kind of scared you. you felt like you would ruin everything.

"okay well i wanna hear _ev-er-ee thing_. about you and spencer." she elongated every letter of everything to show she meant _everything_.

you cringed, mostly because you didn't really know how to explain that. plus, there was a recent huge shift in your guy's relationship that you didn't know where it was going. you gave them all bare minimum details as much as you could. being under the influence really made your brain's judgement skills weak but you tried your best not to overshare. you also knew how private spencer was and you didn't want to put him in any sort of situation he wasn't okay with. you especially didn't tell them about yesterday, that felt too special and intimate. you were a little extra nervous about penelope, emily not so much. you loved penelope with her whole life but she can't keep anything to herself.

"can we talk about something else please!" you blurt out and turn your attention to penelope. you can feel that you're all starting to come down so you bring out the wine. "penelope how come you don't talk about your relationships, why is your nose all up in mine?" you ask her snarking but you're being playful.

"oh it's a big humongous no for me. last guy i went on a date with shot me." she takes a huge gulp of her wine and you look at her in shock. you had no idea that this happened. it took quite some time to process what just happened.

"wha- when did this happen? are you okay?" you were the only one who seemed to be shocked and everything was suddenly somber.

"ya i'm okay, it happened two years ago and i've just sworn off dating."

"why didn't i know about this?" you look at all three of them. "penny that's so traumatic." you pout slightly. you were pretty upset that someone would ever hurt this amazing of a human being who created light everywhere she went. she was such a beautiful soul and whoever took advantage of her was scum of the earth.

"i don't like to talk about it, it's such a downer." she exaggerates a frown and looks at you with reassuring eyes. "plus, i have my chocolate thunder." she giggles and you laugh at the use of derek's nickname.

penelope reassures you that everything is okay and you all begin to calm down and decide to binge cliche sleepover movies. surprisingly penelope falls asleep first, she was probably extremely worn out. soon you're all passed out on penelope's couch.

\----------

the next morning you wake up first, which is literally the worst thing at all sleepovers, so you decide to go and brush your teeth. when you come out of the bathroom you see that everyone is still in the same position. jj and emily are under the same blanket and penelope is on the floor with pillows and a blanket.

you go to her kitchen in search of water and you hear an aggravated groan. penelope walks in the kitchen she looks a mess. she definitely has a hangover.

"hmm wild night?" you tease her.

"oh my god my brain feels like fuzz." she puts her hands to both sides of her face and rubs to try and soothe herself.

you just laugh at her and hand her a water. she asks you if you can make tea so you start her kettle as jj and emily wake up as well. everyone is groggy but not as out of it as penelope is.

"this hang over feels like it's gonna last forever." she whines as you all stand in the kitchen drinking tea. you guys just continue to tease each other about how much of a mess you all were over breakfast until you unfortunately have to get home.

"ugh i wish i could just keep you guys here and never let you leave. i love you so much." penelope has all four of you in a tight group hug and you're honestly warmed but scared by her words.

"we will see you at the office tomorrow pen, don't have a meltdown." emily teases her.

you all finally officially say your goodbyes and you head back to your apartment in your car. you roll down your windows and feel the cool air brush against your face. the smell of fall begins to fill you and your glad you decided to stay in your pajamas.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N  
> HOW ARE YALL FEELIN  
> i suddenly feel slightly insecure ab my fic but its ok i think 😌 also the ending of this chapter is wack but i literally didn't know what else to put.  
> next chapter will probably have the talk with hotch, unless i change my mind and push it idk 🧍
> 
> i hope this wasnt corny or cheesy or cringe or anything :)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FLUFF

the next two weeks at work were exhausting, for everyone. when you got in on the monday after your sleepover, you were expecting to have that talk with hotch at some point but we ended up being called on a case mid-day. the first case was okay, it was local which you were always grateful for. the second one that you guys got called on the next day after finishing the first one was all the way on the west coast.

a con man who had recently gotten out of prison had "kidnapped" his daughter who was living in oregon and he planned on driving her down to LA. the whole case was a chaotic mess, at first you thought the daughter's life was in danger but turns out she was in on his plans. the real problem came when he started killing people that got in his way during his route. the case wasn't too bad mentally, nothing fucked up happened but physically you were beat. all the running and driving from town to town took a toll on you, on everyone. when you guys went into the office the day after closing the case, hotch must of definitely taken a lot of the paperwork for himself after seeing how tired you all were. hotch was honestly an amazing boss and you never understood why strauss was constantly breathing down his neck. maybe because he actually cares about innocent peoples lives and not a fucking budget.

"y/n, can i see you in my office?" he commanded you from the stairs and his hand gestured in a "come here" motion. you nodded your head and instantly stood from your desk chair. you smoothed out your trousers a little bit and in the corner of your eye you could see everyone watching you walk up to hotch's office. you were extra nervous know because spencer looked slightly confused which meant he wasn't going to talk to spencer, just you.

"close the door please." he asked as you entered his prestige office.

you closed the door like he asked and then sat in the chair facing his desk. your hands automatically went into your lap and you began picking at the skin around your nails. you tried your best to regulate your breathing despite knowing what was coming.

"sorry we couldn't talk sooner but i wanted you and the team to be completely focused on the case."

you nodded your head in understanding and thanked him for not putting anything else that might pressure you.

"now i know that what you and dr reid have is not set in stone or exclusive. i won't be having you fill out any human resources papers just yet. i just wanted to make sure it was clear that your job comes first in the field." he said the last part very sternly and clear.

you gulped to try and soothe your dry throat and spoke up. "yes, i can assure you that the team and protocol comes first." you said it as clearly as you could to show you meant it, and you did but you didn't know if that truth would uphold.

"good, i trust you, agent. you're new but you've been a great member of this team already and i'd hate to have to suspend you for anything." you nodded your head but didn't respond because you could tell he wanted to say something else.

"on a more informal note, the reason i asked to speak with you and not reid is because spencer is... complicated. but ever since the two of you got close, i noticed a change in him, emotionally. you might not know what spencer was like before but he was very closed off. i think you're good for him. i just wanted to let you know to be careful, he can be difficult sometimes but i know you'll be there for him." hotch's tone was a lot lighter than before, less gravely and serious. he was speaking to you as a friend and not an employee which was new for you. his face was more relaxed and you could've swore you saw a smile somewhere in there. this made it all the more real, everything was becoming so real, you knew how much the team cared about reid. you didn't want to ever screw anything up for anyone.

"thank you, hotch." you smiled slightly and let out a nervous chuckle. just as you began to relax a little he spoke again.

"no problem, y/l/n. get back to work please."

you instantly stood up and walked out of his office, closing the door behind you.

\---------

"did hotch finally talk to you about you and pretty boy?" you heard derek come up behind you and whisper. the office was pretty quiet.

you huffed out a breath of annoyance and turned to look at him. "i'm not gonna say anything." you gave him a playful smile and his lips twitched upwards. "plus, you probably already know, you're a profiler. i don't know why you bother asking." you rolled your eyes at him jokingly and then turned back to the work on your desk.

"hmm i see why reid likes you. you keep him on his toes." he pats you on the shoulder and walks away. you decide not to turn around because you rather not expose the extreme flustered expression on your face. your ears went hot from his words. this weirdly felt like highschool, when everyone just watches two people who have a crush on each other mess around. it was stupid but fun at the same time.

\--------

when you got up to leave you saw reid shuffling with his messenger bag as you said your goodbyes to everyone. he probably wanted to talk about what hotch had called you in for.

aa you were walking to your car you hear the expected foot steps walking towards you. you stop walking and turn to face spencer.

"h-hey." he seemed nervous again, which meant he was about to ask you something which made you more excited then you would like to admit.

"hey, spence. what's up?" you folded your arms across your chest, clearly showing that you held dominance in this interaction.

"i-i was wondering if you wanted to come over? we could watch a horror movie or something since halloween is soon. and- and i also just really want good sleep right now." his face lit up a tiny bit at the mention of halloween and you couldn't help the smile that crept on your face, it was so adorable. he rubbed the back of his neck as he mumbled the last part. you chose not to mention it further to save him the embarrassment. he obviously wanted you to sleepover. to be honest so did you. you didn't have any problems sleeping per say, but just sleeping next to spencer felt really great.

"ya sure, i wanna stop by my place though so i can grab a change of clothes and my toothbrush." you decided that you were going to drive this time and spencer nodded his head as he tried to hide his eager smile. he was probably surprised how easily you said yes but you really didn't want to say no.

you guys drove in comfortable silence just listening to the sound of the wind mixed with the low hum of some radio station. you realized that when he was comfortable, spencer likes to be silent company which you appreciated.

you stopped by your place and you yelled a quick "be right back" and ran into your apartment.

\--------

**SPENCER'S POV**

y/n had left me in the hallway with the door cracked open, which meant she definitely was coming back. it was strangely reassuring because i constantly have doubts about these things in my mind. my brain seems to never shut off but being with her is like i can finally stop going through a thousand things at once, just _her._

i don't know what exactly hotch had said to her today but i know it was about me. i know they are all glad that i have someone and honestly so am i. it was slightly annoying how they were all in my life like i was a child even though i am a twenty six year old man, soon to be twenty seven. anyways, i plan on asking her about it later but for now i just wanted to show her one of my favorite movies.

i look out of the window on the wall next to y/n's front door and i see a man in a pick-up truck on the street parallel to y/n's apartment. the look on his face showed annoyance and he had tattoos on his hand. he was definitely waiting or looking for someone. my first instinct was to call hotch and give him the guys licence plate and description but then i remembered that she is coming home with me so she's safe. as long as she is with me, she's safe. by the time i had convinced myself that the guy will probably be gone by tomorrow, y/n runs out of her apartment building with a small bag in hand. she looks just as excited as i feel inside which lifts my mood even more then it was before.

"okay, what movie are we watching by the way?" she huffs out with a smile on her face as she starts driving again.

"it's a surprise." i say cooly.

"i hate surprises, they make me anxious." she groans and fake pouts.

"i know." i let out a laugh and she rolls her eyes at me.

\--------

**READER POV**

you guys get to spencer's apartment and you immediately drop down your small bag on the floor and let out an exaggerated sigh. you smell the calming scent of coffee and old books as you walk in. spencer chuckles at your exhaustion and closes his door behind him.

"do you wanna shower and change into your clothes?" he asks you and you nod your head, picking your bag up.

"ya good idea. i'm so ready to just sit down the rest of this evening."

"okay gr-great, just uh- there's only one shower so use whatever you need in there." he gestures to his bedroom and he starts fiddling with his hair. he is acting as if you haven't already showered here before.

you turn away from him and grab your shirt, underwear and shorts. you took a quick shower, only using conditioner on your (h/l) (h/t) hair and using his eucalyptus mint body wash. you smiled internally thinking about how another one of your shirts will smell like him soon.

you dried off with one of the towels from the rack and put on your shirt and t-shirt. you walked out of his bathroom with your hair still damp. you saw spencer sitting on the corner of his bed, presumably waiting for you.

once he saw you, he stood up.

"you can-uh order some food for us? if you want, there's a take out menu on the fridge for chinese." he asked you.

"ya sure, i'll do that while you shower."

"okay great." suddenly his hands went to your face and his lips were on yours. you immediately opened your mouth for him as his tongue and lips gently explored yours. the kiss caught you by surprise, it felt like whiplash. you finally pull away and place your hand on his shoulders. he has a small smile on his face and you let out a big exhale. realize how out of breath you suddenly were. you guys stood still for a moment just looking each other in the eyes.

you finally spoke once you snapped out of the trance you had. "what was that for?"

"i just felt like it." he shrugged his shoulders and walked to his bathroom to take his shower.

you go over to the kitchen counter where you see the takeout menu. you're suddenly aware of how hungry you were and your appetite grew significantly. you called the place and ordered lo mein for spencer and sesame fried tofu with rice and broccoli for yourself. as well as dumplings and vegetable spring rolls for you both to share. the lady on the other end of the phone says the food will be here in forty minutes. you decided to take a look at spencer's huge personal library while he showered. all of the books looked worn and old. it was gorgeous to you, so many stories in one place. granted, many of these were nonfiction and poetry, but it was still cool to you. you must have been snooping around just flipping through books for a while because you heard spencer suddenly talk from behind you and you yelped from being caught off guard.

you put your hand to your chest and bursted out into laughter from relief. spencer started laughing his loud wonderful laugh. he always found you in a state of fright amusing. you both took a moment to catch your breath and you got a good look at what he was wearing. his hair was still damp so it stuck to his face slightly and he was wearing a doctor who tardis shirt and halloween themed pajama pants. of course, mismatched socks.

"have you read all of these?" you asked him pointing to the shelf.

"no actually, but i hope to read all of them soon."

you were actually surprised by his answer but also intrigued. so there were somethings that spencer reid didn't know, usually it was anything modern but it still felt good to be better at something sometimes.

spencer walked you over to the living room and put the movie " _Psycho_ " into the DVD player. you actually weren't nervous now that you knew what it was. you do actually like horror movies because you get to experience the relief of them not being real. thirty minutes in you realize that spencer is easily scared, you knew he was the nervous type but you didn't know how easily freaked out he could be because when the doorbell rang he screamed. you got up while in the middle of a fit of laughter to bring in the food and pay. spencer was too distracted by trying to catch his breath that he didn't see you take out your wallet. you opened his apartment door and greeted the delivery man. he wasn't the typical lanky young man that usually works delivery. he was muscular and even had tattoos on his hand, his demeanor was intimidating but you didn't read any further, it wasn't your right to judge. you paid him and took the food inside. as you closed the door and turned around you saw spencer walking towards you.

"who was that?" he asked you quite seriously and his brows furrowed, he walked over to the peephole and tried to see the delivery man.

"um, it was just the delivery guy? are you ok?" you asked him as you handed him the bag of food. his suddenly tense behavior confused you.

"i thought i saw... nevermind," he mumbled under his breath and you decided to pay no mind either.

you both relaxed back into the couch, eating your food. spencer continued to spew facts about the film throughout all the scenes. it was mostly cute, except for the times he did it with food in his mouth but still adorable nonetheless.

\----------

you guys finish your food and then the movie but you're both not tired so you say you want to put on another one. you decided to put on the first " _Scream_ " movie and spencer begins to cuddle towards you. he takes the blanket off of the arm of the couch lays himself vertically along the couch with his head on your lap. your thighs tense a little bit at first but then you relax and put your hands in his hair and mindlessly play with it as you watch the movie. he puts the blanket over his body and faces the TV. spencer continues his habits of giving you facts throughout the movie. you feel him flinch at scary moments and you giggle under your breath every time. you feel spencers body get more relaxed and your eyes start to get heavy as well.

"do you want to go to bed?" you tap his shoulder and mumble.

you feel him nod his head against your leg and you both get off of the couch. he grabs your hand and intertwined his fingers with yours as he tugs you to his bedroom. the action makes you blush. he lets go of your hand as you both begin to go under the covers and spencer's hand immediately wraps around your waist as he pulls you closer, making him the bigger spoon.

"what did you and hotch talk about?" he asks mid-yawn.

"not now. let's sleep." you groan out and snuggle further into his chest. spencer lets out a light laugh and hums a "yes".

you feel the sound of spencer's breath even out and you drift off into deep sleep. perfectly comfortable in spencers arms.

\--------


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: gunshot mention

the sound of crying and screaming blares in your ears. flashing moments of seeing horrified faces flash in front of you. you hear two gunshots and your heart sinks. you feel the familiar bile in your throat and your body shakes. you feel the panic attack starting as you feel yourself standing up and walking towards your high school english class door.

_why am i back here?_

"y/n!" you hear someone familiar call for you, it sounds so far away. "y/n! wake up please."

\---------

your whole upper body shots up from the bed. your hands are clammy and your breathing rapidly. your throat is all dry and you feel tears running down your face. once you finally collect yourself you see it is still slightly dark, the sun is only beginning to rise. you feel cold too, you had kicked the covers off of you. you suddenly feel a hand on your waist and flinch but you remember you're with spencer.

"hey hey, you had a nightmare. are you ok? you were shaking." spencer's voice is laced with fear and concern as he rubs your back soothingly.

you stuff your face into your hands for a moment, trying to rub the images from the back of your eyelids. As much as other people saw that day as a success, you were absolutely horrified by it. you take a moment to breathe and collect yourself.

_i haven't dreamt about that in months, this only happens when something bad is about to happen..._

you try to shake the stressful thoughts away and focus on spencer's presence next to you. you're safe with him, nothings wrong especially if you're sleeping right next to an FBI agent.

"i'm okay, it was just a nightmare." you mumble tiredly, you're still exhausted considering you were woken up so early.

"do you want to talk about it?"

"no." you say as you lay back down. spencer doesn't question you further and wraps his arms back around you. you snuggle further into his chest trying to get comfortable and shake the uneasy feeling in your stomach. it doesn't really go away but at least you could sleep easy for now.

\---------

spencer wakes up before you this time, he let you sleep in after seeing you had a nightmare. you wake up to feeling kisses being placed all over your face. your immediate reaction is to put your hand in front of your face but spencer starts attacking your palm with smooches and then down your arm.

"stop! oh my god that tickles!" you giggle out and squirm under him. he eventually stops and then looks you in the eyes seriously.

"you're okay?" he raises his eyebrows in questioning. he is obviously asking about earlier and not his kiss attack.

"yea, i'm okay."

_despite this sinking feeling under me that something is wrong._

he gets off of you and you both walk to his kitchen where he has a mug of coffee out for you and him. he points to one of them for you to drink and you pick it up, thanking him quietly.

"can we talk about what hotch said now?" he asks you as he takes a sip from his mug.

"oh he just wanted to make sure that my judgment wasn't clouded in the field. he knows we are close but he didn't make me sign paperwork. 'cause we aren't together." you say casually, taking a sip from your coffee as well.

"oh uh, yeah." he pauses, "but um- could we?"

"could we what?" you ask cluelessly.

"could we uh- be together, like- like officially." he hesitantly speaks out and his fingers run along the side of his mug anxiously.

you let out a heavy sigh and put your mug on the counter.

"spencer you know how i feel about that-"

"ya but we are practically together anyways, unless you're seeing someone else that i'm not aware of?" he asks sarcastically and raises his brows. he suddenly seems angry and hurt. you feel bad but you just can't give him what he wants yet.

"i-i can't be exclusive with you! i'm not ready, okay." you throw your hands up defensively.

"well will we ever be?" he asks you calmly

"i can't promise you that yet..." you mumble as you wrap your arms around yourself to self-soothe. you close your eyes for a moment to try and think.

you suddenly feel gentle hands firmly on your shoulders and your eyes flick open. you see spencer's face hovering over yours.

"then what are we doing..." his eyes hazel eyes search your (e/c) ones. you try to look away but you just can't.

"i don't know... but whatever this is. i like this, can we keep this? please?" you put your hands up to cradle his face in desperation. your face is pleading with him to understand.

he breaks eye contact with you for a moment, showing you already that he probably won't give in.

"y/n, i want to be with you... i don't know how long i can do this without calling you my girlfriend." his voice waivers a little bit and he seems tired. tired of all the inner turmoil you must have caused.

"i'm just not ready-"

"what do i have to do to show you we should be together?" he interrupts you and his voice isn't loud but it sure as hell feels like it.

you look down to the floor and shake your head softly. you try to push down the tears that are brimming in your eyes. you feel spencer's index finger pull your chin up so that you can face him. he instantly crashes his lips into yours. you melt into his kiss for a moment, just feeling his mouth move softly against you. you get so lost into the feeling of his hands on your hips and his lips on your lips.

"please be mine." he groans into your mouth desperately. you suddenly snap back to reality from hearing him say that.

"spence.. spencer," his lips move down to your neck, blatantly ignoring you.

"spenc- stop!" you push his shoulders so that he is arm length away from you. you know that if you take this any further you won't get a chance to think things over.

his face is filled with worry. he looks almost scared like he hurt you. "i-im so-so sorry y/n-" he blurts out.

"i think i should leave..." you walk past him without looking him in the eyes. you know you just really hurt him and you're trying to do the right thing by walking away but you can't help this immense guilt building up inside you. you don't bother changing, you decide you will brush your teeth and change back at home. you feel tears threatening to leak out of your eyes and you take shakey breathes. right, as you're about to leave, spencer grabs your wrist.

"i know i-i can't convince you but- just, don't leave like this." his eyes become glossy as he talks and another strike of guilt hits you in the chest.

"i'm sorry that i can't be what you need..." you whisper and turn away, opening the door. you don't bother hesitating but as soon as you shut the door behind you, you feel tears fall down your face.

you try to suppress your sobs as you walk to your car but as soon as you start driving back to your own apartment, you can't stop crying. you try to focus on the road, your eyes are blurry but you luckily make it home without an accident. you rush to your apartment door mentally begging that there isn't a case that you could be called on for. all you wanted to do was lay in bed. you feel your phone vibrate in your back pocket, you curse under your breath hesitantly reaching for it. you're caught by surprise when you see spencer's name on the screen, he never calls due to his technophobia.

as you stare at the screen contemplating hanging up or not. you hear footsteps near you and then a sudden prick in your neck.

"the fu-"

before you can even process what just happened your legs give out from underneath you. you drop your phone on the floor as you feel your body losing mobility. your torso crashes onto the floor but you can feel yourself losing feeling in your body. you can still hear the faint ringtone so you try to reach out and grab it but you feel the ground spinning and falling beneath you. a moment of panic arises in you as you feel yourself getting weaker. your eyes are so heavy, vision blurry. the last thing you see is familiar tatted hands reaching for you. you're so tired. you try to scream but you felt like you were underwater.

\--------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N  
> IM SORRY BUT THAT LAST SENTENCE SENT ME I HAD TO KEEP IT. (i tried to scream, but my head was under waterrr)
> 
> finally i am writing trauma for you all.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW KIDNAPPING

you feel dizzy and disoriented as your senses come back to you. there is a small sliver of light coming from the ceiling that faintly illuminates the room.

wait- what room is this

your head hurts and your shoulders feel sore and tense. you go to rub the knot in your shoulders but something has been tied around your wrists. you're sweaty and light headed but the reality hits you when you look down.

even though its dark you can see your legs scraped and scratched in various ways, probably from being dragged somehow. your bottom is sore, you're sitting on something hard... your ankles are tied to the legs of a metal chair with a thick rope.

then reality sets in. you've been kidnapped.

you remember the prick in your neck and seeing hands reach for your body. a hand with tattoos that looked familiar because he had delivered your food yesterday. you had just left spencer's place after... after... you guys had fought. god, you've never wanted to tell someone you loved them more then now. you realize now that you love spencer, so fucking much and you've screwed it up.

you were starting to think you deserved what ever was coming. no one treats someone they truly love the way you've been...

next thing you know you're breaking into small sobs trying to stay quiet because you know you're not alone. you feel gross and you're trying not to panic. you've been trained for these things but you can't help the intense tightness in your chest.

i could die here

you try your anxiety exercises. five things i can see, four things i can touch, three things i can-

"fuck!" you cry out.

this is not working at all for you. you don't know where you are, you're quite literally stuck and trapped. you're still in your shorts and t-shirt which is... an upside? no ones touched you. you don't feel any serious pain, no one has beat you... yet. 

"oh! y/n, you're awake!" you hear the creek of a door opening and you squint your eyes trying to get a view of who just walked in. his voice is too joyus for someone who just kidnapped an FBI agent. his excitement was creepy and it made you even more panicked, you felt like you could throw up except there was nothing in your system.

he got closer so that he was standing under the small light that was coming from the ceiling. you could see him a little better now. he is tall and skinnier then the guy who had brought you and spencer's food yesterday. and no tattoos. which means that this was planned, he hired that guy to kidnap you.

you tried to replace your panic driven brain with your profiling one. trying to figure out if he was a sadist about to inflict pain on you. he was smiling a little bit which made your stomach churn. he clearly knew about you, he talked to you like you guys must have met before and maybe you have.

you did your best to stop crying and look him in the eyes. those eyes looked familiar, they were filled with pain and loneliness.

"who are you?" you whimpered out as you looked up at him. you had gotten yourself to breathe so you wouldn't burst into tears.

the man cocked his head to the side and his smile fell into a straight face. he squatted next to the chair you were tied to and brought his face closer to yours. you flinched your head back, trying to get as far away from his gross aroma as possible. as he got closer you could see his face better. he had pale skin and slight stuble on his chin. he had a nose that looks like it was broken at one point but never fixed. his eyes looked tired but satisfied at the same time. his blue eyes searched yours for any sign of recognition.

then the revelation hit you like a fucking truck. "owen!??" you heaved out. you were shocked and weirdly relieved for a split second. at least it was someone you knew, someone you had helped nonetheless. you didn't know what happened after he was sent to prison, you wanted to but it was too hard to keep up. you started to feel that familiar pitiful feeling but it was soon replaced by fright again. this man went to prison, that changes people. he could be capable of anything right now. 

his lips curved upward into a smile as soon as you said his name. his dusty calloused hands came up to your forehead and brushed the stray hairs that were starting to stick from sweat. his touch was affectionate which was honestly more uncomfortable.

"i knew you remembered me! god, i missed you so much." he whispered to you and his face even closer and you watched his eyes scan your facial features. you felt a tear run down your face as you smelt his breath. you felt so violated, he had no right to feel like he could touch you like that, like you were his.

you were so confused as to why he was doing this to you, what he had planned. you're surprised he even tried to look for you. you felt sick, you just wanted to be with spencer again. 

\---------

SPENCER'S POV

when y/n had left i immediately started crying. it felt like a break up, even though we weren't together. which she seems to always make very clear. i know i should be patient but that doesn't stop it from hurting. she didn't exactly say we were over though either she just didn't know what she wanted. which means there is hope but it's getting hard to think positively right now.

i feel helpless just standing in my kitchen with tears running down my face so i decide to try calling her. i rather go in person but that just seems inappropriate considering why she left in the first place. i'm hoping i can ask her what she means, what she wants so that we can come to some sort of compromise but she doesn't pick up. i don't know why i thought she would.

i go over to my bathroom and splash water on my face, trying to wash away any evidence of sadness. i head to my closet and get dressed for work. i walk to the metro and i hold myself together pretty well. you kind of have to get used to it when you are around people who will constantly be reading your behavior. it's honestly exhausting and as much as i love them, i need a break sometimes. that's part of the reason i like y/n, i can tell when she says she isn't profiling me, she really isn't. she knows when to stop and it's refreshing. she asks how i'm doing even if she might already know the answer.

i feel tears build up in my eyes as i think about it so i push them away as i walk into the office. when i get in, so far no case. just paperwork which is really relieving because i find it meditative. ten minutes after being in the office and i don't see y/n. i assume she called in sick because she wouldn't want to see me just yet which is hurtful but understandable.

i'm still concerned so i walk up to hotch's office just to be sure.

i knock on his door but i don't really wait for a reply i just walk in. "hey, hotch?"

"yes, dr reid."

"um- did y/n call in sick today? she isn't here."

hotch then looks up from his work and makes eye contact with me. his eyebrows furrow even more in confusion. i suddenly get this sinking feeling in my stomach.

"no, i was actually hoping you knew where she was." as soon as we both register what he just said i run out of his office and head straight to garcia's. i think i hear hotch calling after me but i ignore me.

i feel instant worry. i feel like i can't breathe, of something happened to y/n... i don't know what i do but i can't help but feel partially responsible. i don't know how i'd live with myself.

"garcia, track y/n's phone for me?"

she swivels around to face me and as soon as she recognizes my panic she begins to freak out as well.

"wha- why? oh my god what happened? reid you're scar-"

"garcia just do it!" i burst out at her. i watch as she pouts and i feel terrible. she didn't deserve that. "penelope, i'm sorry but i- i don't know can you please just find her?"

she nods her head and i see her eyes gloss over. she turns back to her computer and i hear hotch come up next to me.

"reid, whats going on?" he asks me sternly. he probably knows what i' m about to do and wants to be sure i don't do anything stupid.

i hold my response as i wait for garcia's findings. "okay okay it looks like her phone has been in the same place for the past two hours. it's at her apartment so she should be okay right? right?" her voice becomes quieter, she is trying to convince herself everything is okay but we both know that's not true, something is off.

"she-she hasn't used he phone, like at all though. last thing she did was," she turns around to face me, "receive a call from you."

"i'm going to her apartment." i go to walk out but hotch puts his hand on my shoulder to stop me.

"reid, don't do anything stupid. her phone is at her apartment." 

"i know hotch. b-but something is wrong. let me check because i think i'm right about this." i was going to go whether he let me or not but if this was what i think it was then i was going to need everyone on board.

he lets out a deep sigh of surrender, "go check her apartment, but i don't want you inciting a panic. call me as soon as you get there."

i nod my head and immediately run out of penelope's office. as i'm grabbing my bag to walk to the elevator, i see derek and emily walking towards me.

"uh reid, what are you doing?" emily asks me

"you look like you've seen a ghost man. is everything alright?" derek says his remark worried but he chuckles slightly and for some reason that pisses me off.

"i'm going over to y/n's apartment because i think someone might've fucking killed her."

as soon as i've said my piece i decide to run down the stairs to get to the metro. i honestly couldn't be still. the closer and closer i got to

y/n's apartment, the worse i felt. i was honestly hesitant as i clicked the elevator button to her floor.

i walk down the hallway and i can already see it. her phone neglected on the floor. i already know what it is but i walk closer, hoping that my brain is lying to me but it isn't.

i take out my flip phone and dial.

"h-hotch?" i choke out. i feel like the floor has been taken from beneath me.

"is she-"

"she's gone! i-i- her phone is here on-on the floor in front of her apartment." before i know it my voice is shaking with sobs and i just start blubbering. "oh my god, hotch she was with me this morning and we argued and- and she left.. i let her leave and i-"

"reid calm down. we need to focus on finding y/n okay? come back here and we will formulate a plan, we're gunna find her." his tone is straightforward and serious. he doesn't want emotions getting in the way of anything , and he's right. we need to focus, i can't wallow in self-pity when y/n is in the hands of some monster.

i nod my head as if he can see me and mumble a yes. hotch immidiately hangs up and i run down the stairs this time. on the metro, i've run my fingers through my hair thirty seven times. i'm so clearly frantic and on edge. i'm trying not to get upset with myself but it's really fucking hard when she could've been with me if i hadn't tried to selfishly make her my girlfriend.

when i get into the office i see everyone is already in the bullpen through the clear glass doors. i run up and set my messenger bag on the floor. everyone is staring at me, they're concerned for my emotional well-being because they know how i feel about her.

"reid look-" jj starts to talk but i interrupt her.

"what jj? can we start please? thank you." i pull out y/n's phone and place it on the table rather harshly. i know i should calm down otherwise i'll get pulled off the case which is the last thing i want right now. 

"garcia said y/n's phone has been in the same spot, outside her apartment, the last two hours. so since 8:30. reid had called but she didn't pick up." hotch informs all of you. as if she's another kidnapping victim. it's sickening to think that she would be another case. there is a beat of silence in the room and everyone's eyes dart between me and the floor.

they wanna ask me something but i keep a straight face.

"reid we are gunna need your statement since you were the last person to see her." derek asks me hesitantly and i don't even turn to look at him.

"anything suspicious happen in the last fourty eight hours?" emily chimes in.

i know y/n would hate that we were detailing our... whatever relationship to everyone and so am i to be honest. she has an untainted place in my heart of sorts. being with her is sacred and special and i dislike the idea of exposing any of it.

i begin recounting every moment of my last evening with her. i guess i am grateful for my eidetic memory in moments like these. i try not to get emotional as i remember the very moment something raised my suspicions.

"the-there was actually. uh- we stopped by y/n's apartment and i saw this guy, parked on the street across. h-he was well built and he had tattos on his hand. he looked like he was waiting for someone. i thought i saw him again when me and y/n had our food delivered but i didn't get a clear view since y/n answered the door." i try to say the words as fast as we can so i can begin making a description. i give everyone the best description i can on the guys looks and i give them the licence plate of the pick-up truck which should make things quicker. 

\---------

Y/N'S POV 

"why are you doing this to me?" you whine, pleading with him so that maybe he will want to let you go.

"you know, when i got put in that shit hole, something that kept me going was knowing i'd get to see you again one day." he stood up and looked off longingly in a sort of nostalgia.

so this was a stalker situation. you think you could handle that. play into his fantasy but also let him down easy so he could understand. it calmed you down slightly but you were still terrified. at the end of the day nothing was for certain. he had the upper hand, you were tied to a fucking chair. speaking of being tied to a chair. you were starting to rope burn from squirming and you felt like you might go numb soon. 

"wh-why were you looking forward to seeing me?" you try to compose yourself and seemed less frightened. trying to inhabit what he saw in you.

"well because we are in love, obviously." he chuckled out as his hands reached out to your hair. he said it like you were dense for thinking otherwise. he began petting you in a way and you cringed. you wanted to cry, so his plan was to kidnap you and keep you here forever...

you didn't answer and the room was filled with sound of your heavy breathing.

"also! your probably hungry, it's about dinner time." he abruptly walks out of whatever dirty room your in, assumingly grabbing your "dinner" . you were passed out for that long, dinner time was around 5:00 - 7:00.

him leaving the room gave you time to think. so he got sent away and you were the last person to treat him well before he got arrested. he grew am attachment to you, all that isolation plus the psychologically damaging environment of prison. the idea of you became a coping mechanism. when he got out he stalked you for who knows how long, but he never made any moves until he hired someone to take you.

you tried figuring out what might of triggered him to actually take the steps to "see" you.

spencer.

you being with spencer is the stressor, must have made him furious that you would "move on" from him. god, you hoped he wouldn't hurt him. the last thing you needed was for him to get hurt by this mess too.

\--------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N   
> this chapter is lowkey ugly and lazy 
> 
> i'm not very good at writing pain?? ig??? but like i hope it gets better. 
> 
> ALSO writing spencer pov is hard as fuck and i hate it but i feel like it's necessary to show wat our boy is going through yk


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: kidnapping and drug usage

**SPENCER'S POV**  
we found out the name of the guy the white pick up truck was in. cameron ramirez, he's an ex-convict but he has no connection to y/n. he is off probation and has a job but he recently quit. he quit two days ago and then deposited a large sum of money into an account.

"so he was hired, and he quit his job which means he could've run off." emily says as we all stare at garcia's screen.

"yes but- but i can track traffic footage and send out an amber alert for the license plate?" garcia offers.

hotch has her do it and then it feels like a waiting game. everything is going so slow but it also feels like it's blurring by. it isn't even the next day but it feels like it's been a week.

"jj, i'd like you to call y/n's father and brother. have them come in for questioning, see if there's anyone that would have something against her." hotch asks jj and she immediately runs to her office to call them.

everyone is extra tense now, especially around me. i'm getting a little sick of it but they are doing everything they can. i know that garcia has been crying, she always gets emotional and she has been really close to y/n recently.

"reid, i want you to go home. derek will take you-"

"i'm not going anywhere." i say sternly. i know he's my boss but who the hell does he think he is suggesting i take a step back.

"that's an order. we can't do anything for now except worry. i need you to calm down and we will all come back early in the morning."

i felt pure anger and fear running through me. what was i doing if i wasn't here at least figuring things out. i know it's illogical because we need more information on y/n but i can't back down.

\--------  
 **Y/N'S POV**

when he comes back, he has a small tray in hand. there is a slice of bread, a small bottle of water and some pills. more bile rises in your throat when you realize he is about to drug you, again.

"you're going to need something in your stomach to absorb it into your system." he picks up the bread and brings it to your lips. you tuck your chin trying to avoid eating. you've completely lost your appetite at this point, your throat is dry and you're tired.

"please eat, i don't have anything else. i spent all my money just trying to get you here." he smiles fondly at his comment and you just feel even more uncomfortable. it seemed like he planned on keeping you here.

"c-can you untie me? just my hands please?" you ask him desperately. your shoulders were cramping and your wrist had become irritated. you are so tired but you couldn't sleep like this.

he drops the bread back on the tray and sighs,"you know i can't do that," his hand goes up to your throat and he starts caressing you gently. you audibly gulp and more tears fall down your face. "you're just going to try and run from me." his hand then fully wraps around your neck and you let out a strained cry.

he stands over you and starts to squeeze,"now eat. stop being ungrateful." his grip gets tighter as he speaks. he tries to push the bread into your mouth but you seal your lips. his face begins to contort into anger and your eyes go wide with fear. he starts to actually choke you and you try to get a word out but his grip is too tight. your wrist pull against the restraint as you try to squirm away.

"fine! don't eat, i'll leave you here all night too starve." he finally releases you and you violently cough as you gasp for air. your throat became hoarse and you strained your vocal cords screaming as you watched him walk away.

as much as you were freaked out, you didn't want to be left alone in the dark with no chance of convincing him of anything.

"wait! wait, i-i'll take the pills just- just please give me some water."

he walks back over to you with a small smile plastered on his face. he puts the two pills between his thumb and index finger and picks up the small water with other hand.

he pushes his dirty fingers towards your lips and you fight the urge to bite his skin off. you begrudgingly let him push the pills into your mouth and then he brings the water towards your lips and you drink hastily.

"that's my girl..." he whispers the nasty words as you gulp down the water. you feel some of it drip down your chin from the lack of coordination you currently have.

as soon as you've finished his face hovers over yours and he tried to kiss you. before he can get and closer you headbut him in the chin as hard as you can. there was no fucking way you were letting him touch you like that.

"don't fucking touch me!" you screamed at him as much as your scratchy throat would let you. you watched as he stepped backwards slightly from the impact and his hand flew to his mouth.

his face looked shocked and then it turned to pure rage. he brought his hand down from his mouth and you could see a small amount of blood on his lips. he took one big step towards you and striked you with the palm of his hand right across your face. your head fell from the impact and you felt the whole right side of your face blazing. the sound of his slap echoed and you tried not to cry but you couldn't help it. small sobs escaped your mouth, not from the pain but mostly from the fact that if you denied this man, he was definitely going to hurt you.

"brat," he growled in your face, "don't cry, you'll be asleep soon. one of those were oxy." he then spit on the floor next to you and you saw a small stain of blood.

he went ahead and walked out of the room again. this time the lights got turned off. you were alone, really alone. you knew your team would be looking for you but you didn't know how long it would take. you started to feel the effects of the oxycodone pull you under. you couldn't tell whether you were grateful or terrified that you were drugged up. it didn't matter for a brief moment because you started to fade out into sleep.

\-------

**SPENCER'S POV**

the next day i'm at the office at five in the morning. i drank two coffees and i obviously got no sleep, i didn't plan on sleeping anyway. it felt wrong to sleep while y/n was out there with god knows who.

at 6:04 everyone is here. they all look exhausted too but that's expected. hotch tells us we are waiting for y/n's dad and brother and i'm strangely nervous. i would've hoped to meet them under different circumstances, either i was meeting the father of the woman i deeply cared about for the first time and i am anxious. my hands are all shaky from caffeine and anxiety. my face is pale and my eyes bags have never looked so terrible. i have this permanently solemn expression on my face that is very noticeable. jj said she had already told them what's going on briefly on the phone. hopefully i could get right into asking him questions. we are all standing on by the elevators when jj says they're here. i soon see the elevator doors open to reveal two tall men. one of them is shorter than the other and he is well built with healthy (h/c) hair but he also looked like he just cried, hard. i know that y/n's brother is in his last year of college and it seems he has been doing well for himself.

the other has a lot of stubble and his hair is a mix of black and gray. he looks like someone who has been tired his whole life, something i can understand. his eyes look a little bloodshot, he seems like a functioning alcoholic. it's obvious his life hasn't gone to dust because reading over his file i see he has a job and a house but he definitely has some issues.

"mr. y/l/n. i appreciate you and your son coming out to help us. i'm very sorry we have to meet under these circumstances." hotch shakes mr. y/l/n's hand and then y/n's brother axel. everyone in the team introduces themselves to them and i go last. mr. y/l/n doesn't take a second look at me after i say my name but when i get to axel he actually doesn't put his hand out, he just waves. 

"spencer?" he croaks out.

"um- yeah, spencer reid." i respond slightly taken aback by him directly addressing me.

"yeah uh- my sister rants about you on the phone sometimes." his voice cracks when he mentions y/n. he tries to sound positive but it just seems to break my heart more. a small, sad smile forms on my face. that's probably how he knew i was a germaphobe. y/n's father's face scrunches in confusion slightly but he pays no mind. he is clearly used to not being involved in his daughter's life much. before they got here i convinced hotch to let me talk to them. he eventually gave in but he said i could only talk to her brother, knowing how i'd get. jj was asked to talk to y/n's father because to be honest she'd probably do a more productive job.

\---------

"axel was there anyone that y/n had issues with when she was younger?" i asked, trying my best not to ask things out of my own personal curiosity. it was hard to get y/n to talk about her childhood willingly. i know it's selfish but i can't help wondering if i could slip in a fee questions for myself.

"no, not at all. y/n always stayed out everyone's way you know? she was the type to just never bother people, she always handled herself." he spoke up assuredly and he tried to keep his voice even.

"so, nothing someone could hold against her? what about her friends."

"i don't know, y/n kept to herself a lot. i was the reckless one who would go out with friends ," he laughed a little bit but then he nearly started to cry, "that's why i don't- i don't understand why someone would do this to her. she was- she is quiet and careful and it just doesn't make sense. she never did anything." his voice was cracking and tears were streaming down his face.

"stay here." i get up quickly but i feel disappointed inside, he's right, this doesn't make much sense but if anyone is going to find her, it's us.

i head to garcia's office to try and get more information on y/n's school life and i see jj coming out of the room where she was talking to y/n's dad.

"did you get anything?" i ask her hastily.

"not really to be honest. just that she was quiet and didn't have many friends. he doesn't seem to like to remember anything where y/n's mom was alive." she says sadly and turns to look at the man sitting at the table, clearly worried but he feels stuck.

i rub my eyes in frustration and feel this overwhelming weight pile higher on my shoulders. it feels like everything hurts at this point, physically and mentally.

"hey, y/n is gonna be okay. we'll find her, plus she's strong. i'm sure she's keeping herself alive." jj rubs my shoulder comfortingly and offers me a sad smile. she's right too, y/n will be okay.... maybe... i don't know....

\----------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N  
> THIS CHAPTER IS UGLY TOO but i literally dont know what else to write


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: GRAPIC DEPICTIONS OF CUTTING  
> drug usage

**Y/N'S POV**

two or three days, from what you could tell. you didn't know at this point. you were drugged up on oxy and to be honest you didn't mind it. it numbed you a little bit. he had upped your dosage to two or three pills per dose this time and you took it gratefully. you knew you would have withdrawals when this was over but it kept you from going crazy. he started to get more and more irritated with you. when he would try to make a move on you or you wouldn't take food well he would beat you. each time was harder then the last but he did give you pills sometimes and apologize. he untied you a few times but only when you were high, he knew you wouldn't have the strength to fight back.

"i'm so glad we are together, alone." he cooed in your ear.

your face was stained with tears and bruises and you were so tired and drowsy. your mouth was dry and you wanted to see light again. the room was always dim, it made you confused.

you were feeling numb and your face slightly showed it. "we-we can't be together." you breathed out.

his hand gripped your jaw tightly, squishing your face. "well i don't see anyone else? you're stuck here with me." he caressed your cheek longingly.

"please don't do this to me! you're hurting me after what i did for you that day, just-just please i want to go home." you cried desperately, it was practically no use. he thought you belonged here with him.

"that's why we belong together! how do you not see it? i still remember that day we walked out of school holding each other. i knew you loved me." his face was so close to yours and you couldn't take it. you hate how he perverted the pity that you were giving him. you knew he was hurting, probably still. you definitely didn't for-see him getting so attached.

"i can't be with you, you deserve someone that actually loves you. that's not me." you begged him. if you could convince that you weren't worthy of his time, maybe he would let you go. you tried to give him a reality check and it was risky but you couldn't help it. making it about him was supposed to make it better but it didn't work.

he stood further away from you with a look of disgust on his face. "oh my god. you're in love with someone else aren't you?" he looked at you like you were crazy, like you had wronged him and weren't tied to a chair.

"no, no that's- that's not what i said i said that y-" before you could blurt out your statement he had already walked out again. you could tell you had just gotten yourself in big trouble. your body relaxed from the few seconds before you hear the door slam open again. you flinch so hard that you nearly fall over in the chair. you see he has a knife in his hand and he is practically charging toward you.

you shut your eyes tight preparing yourself for what he is about to do. your whole body tenses but then he stops right in front of you.

"look!" his voice booms in your face and you slowly open your eyes. he puts his arm out and you see faint scars. they seem pretty healed and your stomach drops thinking about what sick shit he might pull.

he suddenly slashes the blade on his forearm and blood instantly starts to pool out. his face looks numb from the amount of times he has probably done it.

"you know, i think that you should feel the pain that i have felt all those years. i thought you were different, that you'd never hurt me like everyone else." his face looks like he just felt pure betrayal, as if you owe him. he sounds genuinely in pain and it's scary. you hate that he is feeling the same feelings he felt the day he decided to take two peoples lives because now he might take yours.

his hand suddenly grips onto the roots of your hair and you let out a cry. you a sobbing mess as he yanks your face to look up at him. you gasp out a couple "i'm sorry"s and "please" but it doesn't work. he brings the blade up to your cheekbone and carves a jagged line across your cheek. it feels like a sharp scratch and you can see blood in the corner of your eye but it isn't the worst. his hand that's still in your hair tugs harshly, forcefully pulling you back and you slam onto the floor. you let out a loud scream of agony as you feel the back of your head hit the hard floor. the bottom of the chair is crushing your arms and you felt a pop in one of your shoulders. it had completely dislocated and as soon as you realize it you start to scream out from shock and from the throbbing pain of having your shoulder detached.

at this point he is just watching you sob and squirm. eventually you cool down a little bit and the room is just filled with the sounds of your broken sobs. 

you stare up at the ceiling, trying to breathe, trying to separate from your body.

_this isn't me, i'm not here_   
_i'm not a victim._

you hear the door close and continue to just wait out all the pain. you start to feel thirsty and cold. you feel a dehydration that water can't fix. you feel sick but you barely have anything to throw up. a few moments later you hear him step back into whatever abandoned room he is keeping you in. you're still flat on your back but this time you're still. you're becoming numb. you watch his tall body stand over you and you see he has three pills in his hand and a bottle of water. 

he squats down next to you and puts the pills above your lips. "open." he says plainly. and you oblige. you part your lips and he drops the oxycodone on your tongue. he opens the water bottle cap and carefully pores it into your mouth. you close your mouth and gulp the pills down as best as you can. you cough a little at first but as soon as they go down you feel a little better. that incessant thirst is gone and you know you'll be passed out in a few. the thought brings you comfort. he finally pulls the chair and puts you in it so you're sitting up again. you feel the pain killers start to take effect on you. all the aching has dulled down  
and you feel drowsy. 

he brings his hand to your cheek staring at the cut. "are you done being an ungrateful bitch?"   
his face gets closer to yours and this time you can't react fast enough. his lips are on your jaw and you try and shake your head out of the way.

"no no no.. no!" you're dizzy but you have half a right mind to not let him touch you. "don't fucking touch me." you mumble out. your head hangs back as you fight the urge to pass out.

he slaps you again but it feels so fuzzy. the only reason you knew he hit you is because of the sound it made. your face falls to the side and you groan. you feel him pull your shirt up and something cold touching your stomach.

"what are yo- what are you doing?" you look down and see the knife is against your abdomen, "no! stop!" you think you're screaming but you aren't sure anymore.

all you see is the blade gliding across your tummy. the cut is deep but technically not a stab. blood starts to leak out of you and the sight alone makes you cry. you can't defend yourself at all. he continues to cut in rows on your belly. you continue to sob from the sight alone. you can feel it but it just feels like pressure which is even more terrifying. you know you will feel it soon. your lower stomach is covered in slashes and fresh blood. "now you know how i feel." with that he walks away and you lul your head back and pass out.

\--------- 

**SPENCER'S POV**

three days later, we've finally found ramirez but he clearly doesn't know much, and what he does know he doesn't want to give up easily.

hotch didn't let me go in so i just watched with emily and jj outside of the interrogation room. we found him in upstate virginia and just took him to a local precinct. rossi was talking to him and as always he kept his demeanor relaxed and unbothered. being that he was an ex convict, it was obvious he just didn't want to get in trouble and charged with kidnapping. he was desperate for the money and didn't want all that risk to go to waste. he had saw y/n go in my apartment but he must of not seen me. he mugged the delivery boy and took his place but he must of seen me and backed. he waited till y/n alone to take her.

"give us a description and as much information as you know and we will make you a deal." i heard rossi's preposition from the speaker. i felt anger build up inside of me, he was about to let someone go for kidnapping and i couldn't believe it.

"what's the deal?" ramirez sat up in his chair and made eye contact with rossi.

i instantly burst into the room without warning and begin yelling. "tell us who has y/n or i swear to god i'll make your life so much worse then it's about to be!"

rossi immediately stands up and puts his hand firmly on my chest and gives me eyes that say "watch it." my chest is moving up and down as i breathe deeply. i feel like i've reached a breaking point. having this constantly on my mind, going over all the "what if's" of the situation. there are so many possibilities. most kidnappings end in murder or she could be involved in human trafficking which means she could be lost forever.

the guy must've seen how i was feeling and i watched as his face contemplated over what he should do.

"i-i don't know his name but i think i can give a description and where we met. i want the deal."   
i silently left the room and asked for the police office sketch artist. rossi had brought in papers for the man to sign saying that he would get off with a fine for his participation.

as soon as ramirez gave us the location and we got our sketch we left back to quantico. hotch had put y/n's family in a hotel and we asked them to meet us so they could see the sketch and maybe they would recognize the guy. he's white his face is sunken. his nose looks like it got broken but never fixed. he had short but messy hair and slightly stubble on his chin.

"is that the guy?" y/n's brother asked us eagerly.

"we think so. do you recognize him?" jj asked.

at first her father shook his head disappointed but i saw knowing flash over y/n's brothers face.

"what is it? you look like you remember something." i ask him hastily. i have a feeling we might actually have something.

"i'm-i'm not too sure but that kinda looks like owen?"

"who is that?"

"he was this kid that tried to shoot up our highschool, he was totally psycho but y/n still helped him." his voice was dripping with bitterness, "why would he do this to her? she was crazy enough to take pity on him. i thought he got sent to prison for life but i guess not" he trailed off and began sniffling. he was starting to get upset again but he kept it in pretty well.

i didn't know this about y/n, i probably would have if i thought to look into her local high school's news but i didn't. everyone else looked just as shocked as we did.

"oh my god..." we heard y/n's dad whisper. he ran his hands through his hair frustrated. "i remember hearing that he got out a couple months ago, i paid no mind to it but i should've. i didn't remember his face but i remember his name because y/n was the one who talked him down. my wife was furious."

his eyes began to water and he quickly wiped his face with the palm of his hand. i could see the internal panic building up inside of him but we didn't have a lot of time to freak out.

"owen franks, that's -that's his name."

i immediately made my way to penelope's office to give her a name. "garcia i have a name, owen franks. he went to y/n's high school."

she doesn't bother with her regular chatting and just gets straight to typing. i see a picture of a guy who matches our description. there were no properties in his name.

i walk back over to y/n's brother to ask him where he possibly could've been keeping her. "was there anywhere that owen could be holding y/n hostage that no one bothers to look?"

"um-there is this abandoned, half demolished asylum. kids used to go there all the time and mess around but it hasn't been touched in ages. there are still some rooms intact."

hotch hears this and we get the name and location of the building. i feel waves of relief, little by little as i see we are closer to finding her. but i can't help but think of what condition she will be in. we don't know his intentions, he is obviously mentally ill. maybe he hated y/n for pretending to empathize with him but just being as "bad" as everyone else. that's usually one of the reasons for school shootings. could that mean y/n is already dead?

\-------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N  
> this one is a lil better ig. pray for our girl 😿🤚


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: DRUGS AND RAPE

**Y/N'S POV**

it might be the fourth day, maybe the fifth- you really aren't sure but you passed out and now you're awake. well sort of, everything still feels achy and sore. your brain is still fuzzy from the lack of proper food and just having painkillers. speaking of pain, you had a booming migraine, luckily it was dark but still.

"i know you're in love with someone else." he sighed out, disappointed.

you lifted your head up as best as you could,"what? no.."

"stop lying!" he roared and it echoed around the room. the pressure on your forehead increased and it felt like your brain was being squeezed from the inside.

"please stop-" you didn't even know what you were asking him to stop specifically. you were just begging for it to end, all of it.

"when i saw you with him, i decided to give you the benefit of the doubt but apparently you're a dirty whore." he stated calmly. you heard the scratch of metal and saw his blade. you didn't even realize he had a knife with him. the internal panic started to rise again in your throat. there was already dried blood stains on your shirt from your stomach.

"i'm sorry i'm sorry please..." you breathed out as fast as you could. you started to cry again as you watched him not even hesitate to bring the blade up to your thigh. you were still in your shorts and you silently cursed at yourself for not wearing sweatpants or something that could've been a barrier for your skin.

he slowly dug the knife halfway into your outer thigh. you cried out incoherent sounds of pain as you watch blood slowly trickle out of you. his knife was more of a small switchblade so you knew the cut wasn't deadly but that was a scar you would have forever. tears ran down your face and he just left the knife in there. you let out some shaky breaths through your mouth trying to calm down. you began to get used to the sensation until he swiftly pulled the knife out of you. somehow, that was worse then when it went in. more blood poured out and now you had a deep open wound. bound to get infected. 

he brought the knife to your inner thigh, you knew there were major arteries there and you could bleed out."STOP STOP WAIT! i-i do lo-love you... don't hurt me anymore." the words felt vile coming off your tongue but you sucked it up. he stopped his movements, his hand hovering where he was about to slice your leg again.

"i don't believe you." he sighed and tucked the blade into his back pocket.

"what do you want me to do? please just let me go." you were genuinely desperate, you were actually considering not telling anyone what had happened to you. you considered letting him get away with this if he stopped hurting you.

his hand suddenly went to your shoulder but he did it so slowly, almost sensually. you were aware of what he was trying to do. you needed to stop him, or at least stall. you had a feeling he wouldn't let you put up a fight.

"wait- my leg, it still really hurts.." if you were going to be raped, you didn't want to be awake for it. as sickening as that thought made you feel you didn't know how else you were going to bear this. 

"oh yeah of course." he said almost adoringly. his voice was suddenly gentle and it gave you chills.

he came back a few moments later with three pills and a water except even though you were disoriented and suffering a major migraine, you could tell they looked different.

"i thought i'd give you something stronger, i'm sorry i did that to you but you needed to learn." he said sternly, you had officially lost any upper hand in this situation. he had you stuck.

you parted your lips for him to put the pills in. you didn't question it further, stronger was better anyway. he dropped them into your mouth and poured water and you thirstily gulped it all down. a few moments passed, you really didn't know how many but he watched the effect take place on your body. your body became limp and your breathing had completely slowed. you couldn't feel your face or the new cuts that were now on your body. you felt the need to close your eyes but your brain knew you should stay awake. opioids. your brain and body were totally disconnected, the nerves couldn't carry out the functions your brain was asking for. you felt stupid and slow.

you closed your eyes, fading in and out trying to fight the need to pass out. you faintly feel your wrist being untied and then your ankles. your eyelids are half closed but you can still talk but it feels weird.

"whaareyoudoinh." you mumbled. he just smirked up at you and as soon as you felt free from restraints you tried to stand up but you instantly flopped over. your shoulder was still fucked up but you could barely feel it.

he grabbed your hips roughly, trying to carry your dead weight. you heard him grunt as he tried to hold you up. your arms flared as much as they could, trying to fight back. he brought you to the floor and had you lying there flat on your back. he brought his hand to your shins and you instantly started shaking your legs as violently as you could.

"no! no! don't touch me!" you started screaming and continued to shake as much as your body would allow. turns out you were barely doing anything because he easily brought one of his hands up to your mouth and muffled you. you tried to shake your head and you could smell the dirt on his hand.

"shh, you're ruining it." he gave you a cocky smile and you instantly started to cry. you cried into his mouth and the room was filled the muffled sound of your wails as you felt him pull off your articles of clothing.

you decided to give up. you let the drugs drag you under, your brain was too fuzzy and you could barely feel anything.

... 

you woke up the next day? you weren't sure but you've never felt worse. you're back on the chair, ankles and wrist tied. your mouth and throat feel dry and you try and gulp to soothe it but it fails. the back and sides of your head hurt, like just a ring of throbbing pain. the painkillers have worn off because you can feel the stab in your leg again as well as a strong ache between your thighs. you squirm your hips a little and immediately wince. you felt bruises had formed on your hips and it felt as if damage was done inside you. even though you weren't awake, you knew what happened, you could feel it. you felt disgusting, violated, useless. you felt like none of you was sacred anymore, you felt like your body wasn't yours, you didn't want it to be yours. not with his marks all over it.

you began to cry tearlessly. they were more like wails. you were in complete shock and pain but you've cried too much, your throat was sore. usually when owen hears your sobs or just any groaning he walks through the door, but this time there was nothing. he must have gone out for something but you couldn't guess where or what for. you were left alone with your thoughts which has never been more awful. you had completely beaten yourself down at this point. you became even more aware of how you didn't know where you were or how you got here. you were also completely sober at this point, fully aware of everything happening in and around you. something you've desperately avoided as much as possible while you were here.

\--------

it must have been hours later, it felt like it. you felt like you had a fever and you were having cold sweats. your muscles felt weak and you were very dizzy. you knew that you probably had an infection, the wound in your leg had a ring of yellow and black around it and was covered in dried blood.you were thirsty and you desperately wanted to sleep but in the condition you were in, you couldn't.

you suddenly hear the bang of something crashing. and adrenaline instantly starts running through you, it sounded like something heavy.

"help me!" you try to scream as much as your scratchy throat will let you.

"y/n?!" you hear who you believe is morgan calling out for you.

"i'm in here! i don't know where he is please get me out!" you started to cry desperately for your team. you started to pull against your restraints as if that would make things go faster.

the door crashed open and you saw your team members on the other side. a huge wave of relief washed over you. spencer locked eyes with you and didn't hesitate to run over to you and kneel down and start untying your ankles. you saw that he was crying as he tugged on the rope. you were so happy to see him it was unexplainable. it was as if you were all better now.

"hang in there y/n, i'm gonna get you out... i'm so sorry." he was mumbling quickly it sounded more like he was talking to himself. as soon as he untied your wrist you tried to stand up but just ended up falling over. you saw spencer over you blurred slightly. as soon as the adrenaline wore off you started to faint. you remember hearing hotch call for a medic and hearing faint crying.

\-------

that whole thing in movies where the person wakes up in the hospital all groggy but peacefully, is a fucking lie. you wake up in an instant panic. you don't know where you are or what clothes you're in and there is loud fast beeping noise. you feel a familiar hand grab your arm and you flinch at the sudden contact. you turn and see your little brother staring at you and you instantly feel a huge wave of relief. you silently reach your arms out and he leans over and gives you a hug.

"i'm so glad you're okay, i can't believe this happened y/n. i'm so sorry." he lightly cries into the crook of your neck and you shit your eyes crying with him.

"i missed you so much." you squeeze him tighter as you say those words. not ever wanting to let him go again. you hated that your brother was seeing you like this but you were overjoyed that he was here. you honestly knew you could do a better job at spending time with your family but there were too many memories.

you open your eyes and see your dad walk in with two cups of coffee in his hand. the brightest smile you've ever seen take place on his face for the first time in years and it makes you smile too. you let go of your brother and you give your father a crooked smile as he stands there in shock that you're alive. he drops the coffees on a small table and grabs you in the tightest almost painful embrace.

"hey dad" you chuckle, relieved. you relax into his hug and you can hear him sobbing softly behind you. you and your dad haven't been close and you have had some serious issues but he always tried at least. you still loved him and he never tried to hurt you, you liked to keep in mind that he was always just hurting inside. he didn't smell like alcohol at all for once which made you smile a little bit more.

you felt a stinging sensation on your stomach and you let out a small hiss of pain. "oh sorry are you okay?" your dad quickly pulls away and has his hand on your shoulders.

"yes i'm okay." you nod your head. you're honestly exhausted, but you're doing your best not to think about the situation you were in. you just wanted to focus on your family, though you knew you would have to confront everything soon.

"okay okay. i'll uh- let me call the doctor." your dad moves to get up but you interrupt him.

"wait where's spencer?" you pause and realize you sound suspicious just asking about him, "and uh- everyone else, my team. they found me and i wanna know if they caught the guy." you spoke nervously. you really didn't even want to say his name. your brother's eyes were on you the whole time and he looked amused that you had asked for spencer. your brother knew about him obviously but he didn't know the whole truth, he could assume though.

"yeah i'll get them, doctor said family only though while you were asleep."

you were slightly disappointed by this but at least you would get to see him now. you began to realize how weak you were. the excitement began to wear off and you felt like you could barely hold yourself up. your lips were all cracked and dry and you felt cold. like you lost all blood in your body. it made you upset. you were suddenly so upset. tears started to stream down your face and you became angry at yourself for being upset when you should be happy. why couldn't you be-

"ms. y/l/n! we are so glad you're awake." a doctor cheerfully entered and spencer was following behind her.

you tried your best to sit up on the hospital bed as he walked up to you. it felt like everything else became background noise. nothing else mattered. you were going to be okay because spencer had found you and he was with you at that very moment. before you knew it his arms were wrapped around you, gently, he was probably aware of your injuries. his felt his face bury into your hair and you took in a deep breath of his scent.

it brought tears to your eyes, being touched and held by him again. you knew then and there that was your favorite thing in the world. all the pain that was inflicted upon you the past few days melted away into his arms.

"y/n, i'm so sorry. for everything, i-i shouldn't have done that, i shouldn't have let you leave." his voice cracked a little bit and you could feel the heavy amount of guilt that he must have been carrying. you frowned at the thought that spencer was blaming himself for any of this. if anything, you blamed yourself. you probably could've prevented this by not being so stubborn and insecure. you wanted to be with spencer, all the fucking time. it took you getting taken away from him to realize that.

"spencer, stop apologizing. _i'm_ the one who left when i shouldn't have. and- and i'm so sorry for hurting you again."

"it's okay, i understand." he whispers as he holds you tighter. he seems to say that to you a lot.

you guys were probably hugging for an uncomfortably long time. you forgot your brother and the doctor were still here.

"ahem," your doctor awkwardly interrupts. spencer instantly pulls away from you and you both turn your attention to the doctor in the doorway. "i'd like to talk to ms. y/l/n, alone, for a moment. after that you may all have your visits. one at a time though please." the doctor makes disapproving eyes in spencer's direction.

your brother got up and gave you a loving smile that you returned and spencer slowly and begrudgingly walked away from you as well. he squeezed your hand reassuringly and as he walked out you became super nervous. you had a guess of what she was about to tell you but you weren't sure how you would feel about yourself after.

your doctor walks up to you with a small smile on her face. you lay yourself back down in the hospital bed, trying to get comfortable as she stands over you with a clipboard in her hands.

"i'm gonna start with the easy stuff first," she takes a small breath and you nod your head. you already feel yourself growing even more upset before. "your shoulder was dislocated pretty badly, you might be having trouble with it for while just try and go easy on it. the stab in your thigh became infected and you had a pretty bad fever. luckily we can keep you on antibiotics for a bit and it should be fine. the cuts on your abdomen were jagged and untreated but they luckily didn't get infected so we just cleaned you up and you should be good. there will be scarring though."

you suck in a shaky breath and try to control yourself. you feel way too emotional, like more then you should be and something feels very off about you. even though you were kidnapped, you were just saved, you felt like you should be over the moon right now but you weren't.

"you're also incredibly dehydrated and malnourished but we have you on the IV and you should be able to regain your strength soon. that should make the healing process easier. you lost a lot of muscle mass and you're gonna feel weak for a little while but nothing permanent. " the doctor paused but looked at you as if there was more to come. "part of the reason why you are extremely weak is that the man that had taken you had you on copious amounts of painkillers. oxycodone and opioids to be exact. both highly addictive. you're going to be given a small dose everyday that you're here to ease you through the healing process but after you're discharged you will go through a detox. you might have outbursts and you also might feel ill for the following two weeks. it's going to be hard but your body is just trying to clean itself out."

your heart jumps into your throat from her news. now that you think about it is how you would feel so much better if you were on opioids right now. you really didn't want to feel yourself anymore, you wanted to be numb. this wasn't you, this was a tainted, beat down version.

"oh okay," you whisper, you don't really know what else to say. you didn't really want to hear anymore, you were tired and you just wanted to get out of here. you didn't want to be another patient, you just wanted to go home as if nothing had happened.

the doctor suddenly holds your hand softly, purposefully avoiding the IV. "i don't know if you're aware or not but i believe you were sexually assaulted. we haven't ran a full rape kit yet but if you want to we could?" she gives you sad sympathetic eyes. you were grateful no one else was present because you began to cry softly. you knew it happened, you weren't stupid. you could put the pieces together but hearing confirmation from a professional sure as hell made it worse. there was no longer room for speculation. you were going to have to live with the fact that someone took your body as if it were their own.

"that-that won't be necessary, thank you." your voice cracked and you tried to sniff away the tears. 

she just nods her head and doesn't question you further which you're thankful for. "doctor reid was very eager to see you, he keeps insisting on checking you for a brain injury, would you like me to bring him in?" she laughs a little bit to try and lighten the mood but just her mentioning him makes things better.

"yes, please." you say with giddiness.

\------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N   
> this chapter is ... okay ig 😑
> 
> idek
> 
> eh 🤪
> 
> i'm glad y/n is okay. also sorry if this is graphic and as someone who has been assaulted and didn't reach out for help i deeply regret it. so pls tell someone, even if it's just to talk.
> 
> 1-800-656-4673 SA helpline :)


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is kinda of a filler, i just wanted smthn cute :)

_"yes, please."_

the doctor nods her head and she walks out of your hospital room to bring spencer in. it feels like forever from how impatient you are right now but it's really only two minutes.

you watch as spencer comes up to you and a big smile grows on both your faces. once you see each other. spencer's hands gently cup your face and he gives you a quick sweet kiss on the lips. his hands continue to cradle your face but very softly, almost like his fingers are hovering and you put your hand on his wrist and rub with your thumb. you soak in this moment of just staring into his beautiful hazel eyes, reflecting on the fact that you didn't think you'd be okay just hours ago.

"y/n i'm really sorry i let this happen to you-"

"shush, it's not your fault. if it didn't happen that day, it would've happened the next. he was very serious about taking me." your voice went quiet at the last part and you shivered a little bit from thinking about it.

"i just can't help but blame myself a little, i was with you last. i saw the signs but ignored my gut feeling." he sulked and his head hung with disappointment.

"okay well i'm the one who left so just stop okay, i hate seeing you like this. you already have so much going on in that brain of yours. promise me you'll stop blaming yourself." you bring your hand to his hair as you whisper affectionately. you try and reassure him with your touch, reminding him that you're here now and you're safe.

spencer offers you a light smile and nods his head, "i promise."

"did you catch him by the way?" you slightly change the subject. you wanted to know what happened before you were saved or what this meant for you. if he would ever be able to find you again.

"ya we found him at a pharmacy, he was buying painkillers. he got taken into custody so don't worry, he can't find you ever again. i'll make sure." he spoke to you seriously. it sounded like he was promising himself as well that he wouldn't let you go again.

"good." you just whispered and look down at your lap.

"hotch says you will have to make a statement soon but i don't want to bother you with that yet." he informs you cautiously. he seems like he doesn't want you to have to make a statement yet either.

it's obvious that spencer doesn't know anything, you'll have to tell him soon, tell your team soon. your doctor probably only told your family about your condition. now you would have to recount everything you went through for your boss and eventually your whole team to hear.

you and spencer spent about forty minutes of you asking him questions about the case, how they found you. he tried his best not to ask you too much about what happened to you which you appreciated but you knew you'd have to explain some things soon. you wanted to see everyone else as well so you had the doctor being them in one by one. you saw penelope first, she actually drove all the way up here since you were at your hometowns nearest hospital. her face was stained with tears as soon as you saw her and she was so excited to see you. she told you about how scared she was, she was super expressive and she broke down a few times but it was comforting to know how much she cared.

jj then came and sat with you and you guys tried to make normal conversation. it was a good distraction, you guys both related to each other on small-town life now that you were back home. it was nostalgic. emily made sure you were laughing the whole time she visited you. she had pretty raunchy humor and you thoroughly enjoyed it. she was also just nice to look at and listen to. you swore to yourself that if it wasn't spencer, it probably would be her. not that you considered her an option while you were with spencer, but you definitely did before.

morgan told you all about how worried spencer was. how he and hotch were calming him down practically every ten minutes while they were looking for me. he told me a bit more about what spencer had been through, stuff that he voluntarily wouldn't share. you felt concerned at first but you were glad that spencer was better now. the visit with hotch was short. he told you to take two weeks off which you tried to protest. you really didn't want to be alone with yourself right now, or ever. you didn't really like who you were and you didn't trust your mind but you guessed the point of the two weeks was to confront it before it got out of hand. he told you about the statement you would have to make when you came back, which made your stomach drop. you were definitely dreading it but you had time at least.

at around 5:00pm you were exhausted, a nurse had asked that no one else visit you so you could eat and rest but you instantly refused her request. as tired as you were you didn't want to be alone, especially if they were going to be turning the lights out soon. spencer came back with three books in his hand while you attempted to eat your hospital food. you couldn't really, you just prodded your fork at it because the idea of swallowing made you sick. you were kind of frustrated that the nurse was trying to get you to eat this crap even though it was for your own good.

"want my jello?" you asked him as he sat in the chair across from your bed. you knew that reid loved hospital jello.

"sure." he hesitated for a second before he stood up and reached out to your tray, taking the jello.

"maybe the rest of this shit too?" you asked him half-jokingly as you pointed to the food.

"no y/n you should eat. the doctor said you hadn't had food for days." he sighed.

"ok and? i don't want it, so i'm not eating it." you griped at him. you felt very irritable right now and you didn't appreciate that spencer was trying to get you to eat this plain hospital food. even though it was obviously for your own good.

"okay well, your dad brought you some of your favorite books. i thought we could read them, maybe nostalgia will make you feel better." he changed the subject and tried to sound more cheery for you. your heart soared at his statement because; one, you didn't even think your dad paid attention to you all that much as a child and you thought he didn't care but as you say the book titles, they were in fact your favorites. two, spencer reading to you in the hospital sounded relaxing but also sexy at the same time, you couldn't really explain it so you kept it to yourself. you reluctantly put your hand out to him and made grabby hands because you were still slightly annoyed but you wanted to read. spencer smirked as he handed you the book, trying not to laugh at your moodiness. spencer used his eidetic memory to read the book to you word for word as you followed along with your own copy. you don't when but soon enough you were asleep to the sound of spencer's soft voice.

\-----

**SPENCER'S POV**

my head was tilting back and my eyes started to flutter shut. as much as i wanted to stay awake, i've missed out on a lot of sleep lately, and even though y/n is safe right now i still didn't feel comfortable with falling asleep. the hospital chair wasn't even that comfortable but it wasn't enough for me to keep my eyes open.

"no... no... stop!"

my eyes shot open as i saw y/n squirming in her hospital bed. i stood over to her and i began to panic as i realized she was having a nightmare, probably about something that had happened to her. my heart broke as i watched her toss and turn and her face looked like pure distress. her legs were beginning to kick but she looked as if she was trying to get out of someone's grasp.

"y/n!" i whisper shouted because i didn't want to disturb anyone, "y/n you're having a nightmare." i put my hands on her shoulders and began to shake her lightly. i watched as she started to cry a little bit and i brought my thumb to her cheek to wipe her tears away.

her eyes shot open and they looked full of fear. she was still in a state of panic and her hands went to my wrist and she pushed me off as violently as she could. i moved away from her, seeing that whatever nightmare she had, someone was doing something to her. she needed space. she sat up and tried to catch her breath. she then put her face in her hands trying to calm down but instead she started crying again. she tucked her knees to her chest and just sobbed. she didn't say anything and neither did i. i just sat near her on her hospital bed and held tight till she calmed down. hearing the pain she was in made me silently cry as well but her face was buried into my chest so she couldn't see. i felt her body shake in mine but thankfully her movements soon faltered.

she wiped her eyes with the palm of her hand and the sweat off of her forehead. when she got up she saw there was a stain of snot on my shirt and she giggled a little bit.

"sorry..." she choked out.

"it's okay, are you going to tell me what happened?" i asked her gently, trying to show her that i'm here for her and that she doesn't need to bottle things up all the time. i brought my hands up to her hair and pushed it out of her face. i watched as she paused, biting the inside of her cheek. she shook her head and sniffled.i nodded my head in understanding. i was disappointed but didn't show it. i just want to know what happened so i could help her. especially since i've been through something similar. i hoped that she would trust me soon.

\-----

**Y/N'S POV**

you asked spencer if he could just sleep next to you. you didn't exactly feel ready to have someone's hand around you yet but having a person you trusted right next to you would make you feel so much less alone. the dream you had was definitely a flashback. even as it began to fade from your mind, you swore you could still feel his hands pressing you into the floor. you could still feel his hand on your throat. it disgusted you. you couldn't explain things to spencer just yet, not because you couldn't trust him to be there for you but because you didn't need him to see you differently. you didn't want pity, you just wanted to be yourself again, to be normal. you didn't want him to walk eggshells around you but you could tell he already was. you know he is right to do it but it still sucks.

now spencer was squeezed next to your body on a hospital bed with his eyes staring at the ceiling. he didn't sleep, and neither did you. both of you didn't even bother closing your eyes. you didn't want to go to sleep because now you knew what would happen if you did. you were grateful for spencer, you wished you could show it more but expressing gratitude was really hard right now. somewhere during the night, you snaked your hand down between the both of you and your fingers searched for spencer's. as soon as you found his hand you interlaced your fingers with his and squeezed for a moment. you heard spencer let out a breath and his body relaxed on the bed. as if he had been tensed up this whole time. you held his hand to say thank you and that he was doing everything right.

a small smile tugged on your lips and you started to relax from the feeling of spencer's warm hand. you didn't fall asleep exactly but you felt like for a moment you rested.

\-----


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: PANIC ATTACK AND VOMITING ptsd flashback

the week at the hospital was actually nice. you knew most people in your line of work hated hospitals for very reasonable reasons but you sort of liked them. yeah you were surrounded by sick people and chemicals but you were also completely taken care of. if you were feeling any discomfort, there was a nurse right there for you. you felt safe, zero anxiety whatsoever when you were awake. at night, that was a different story.

besides the lack of sleep, you could tell you were getting better. you were still moody but at least you felt stronger. you could feel your energy levels increase during your stay and the doctor was glad to see you making such great progress.

you got rid of your fever but you were still being given your small dose of painkillers so that it would be safe for you to detox later. you were nervous to say the least. your doctor told you to have someone stay with you but you didn't want to stay here with your dad. your relationship with him wasn't strong enough for you to trust him with that. you did enjoy all the time you got to spend with your brother here. he would eat lunch with you and spencer sometimes. it was nice, those little moments were really nice. he told you about his college life and you teased him about girls. spencer was mostly quiet, wanting to give you a chance to have quality time with your brother. you spent time with your dad too. it was great honestly, you missed him, the real him. you guys actually had pretty similar humor and no feelings of hurt had arisen in either of you during your time together. though you both knew this whole thing made you closer, you still wanted to get back to your own house and back at work as soon as possible.

your doctor was willing to tell your team what you went through for you but you told her you'd do it yourself, eventually. you were definitely procrastinating it though, you almost considered going through your detox alone but that was obviously a bad idea. you hated to admit it, but there was this small part of you, a little voice, telling you that once you got out of here you should buy more. you could probably get a prescription considering you were just in the hospital but that wasn't smart. you wanted to give up though, you'd like to think you could get away with it. maybe if you had one a day just to sleep-

"y/n! how are you feeling? ready to be discharged this evening?" the doctor walks in cheerfully. you smile up at her and then look back to spencer who was sitting next to you in a chair.

spencer had been with you this whole time. only left your side to use the bathroom or get coffee. the nurses even him let him use their showers and derek brought him a change of clothes. he wasn't sleeping either which upset you but when the night shift rolled around he would crawl into the hospital bed with you. it was the most comforting feeling ever and you weren't ready to let it go. that was one thing you were definitely going to miss soon.

"yes, i'm so ready. i wanna go home." you spoke up cheerily and spencer smiled at how excited you were.

"okay well i'm guessing that dr. reid here will be staying with you back home?" she stated obviously, getting ready to hand over discharge papers to him.

the blood drained from your face, you still hadn't told him that you would need someone to stay with you. earlier your doctor had a more personal chat with you. she said that she thinks you shouldn't be alone with everything you went through. you agreed with her but you still felt shy about asking someone to stay with you.

"hotch will probably need you at work-"

"y/n it's fine, hotch will understand. i wasn't going to let you stay alone even if you fought me." he interrupted you and took the papers from the doctor. your doctor flashed you a small smile of knowing and you awkwardly smiled back. you now felt flustered by everything that just happened.

you didn't protest anymore though, you knew there was no point. spencer was going to stick to his word whether you liked it or not. you couldn't lie, you were excited. spencer was going to be staying with you all the time and your heart was doing backflips about it. granted the circumstances weren't the best but you could be an optimist for once. as soon as you got your stuff back as well as changed into new clothes, because you refused your old ones, you got to leave. the doctor gave you some last minute advice and you said goodbye to your dad and brother, promising to keep them updated.

hotch had told you to take two weeks off and even when you would come back, you would have a psych eval as well as some training with morgan to keep you in check. you tried to fight hotch in the amount of time he gave you because you did not want to be spending that much time by yourself. your mind would constantly drift to what happened and you needed distractions. work sure as hell was a good one. hotch knew reid was going to be staying with you. it was obvious to them you shouldn't be left alone and they were all aware of how close you both were.

both you and spencer were internally praying that there wouldn't be a difficult case so spencer could just help over the phone. you did tell him profusely that if things got bad for them he should go in. you weren't about to sacrifice someone who probably needed spencer a lot more then you did. you actually threatened him that you'd never forgive him if he put you before his job, that was a risk you weren't trying to take. spencer seemed to be properly convinced which allowed you to keep your conscious clear.

someone had driven spencer's prius all the way up here sometime during your stay and as soon as you saw the car you stifled a laugh.

"what?" spencer asked you as he unlocked the car for you and went over to the passenger side to open the door.

"nothing... of course you drive a prius." you teased him as you sat in the car. you silently cursed yourself for not sitting gently because something touched the stab in your thigh.

"ha ha ha. i don't know why everyone laughs at my car! it has great fuel mileage." spencer exclaims with a humorous tone and starts his engine.

the anxiety started to bubble in your stomach as you began to think over everything. spencer was taking off work to be with _you._ it felt like a weird right of passage to... something, you didn't know exactly what. you were also nervous about yourself, what were you going to be like. could you even trust yourself anymore, you didn't know. a small piece of you was chipped away after everything that happened and you couldn't stop hating yourself for it.

"you're going to be okay, _we're_ going to be okay. i promise." spencer spoke out as he pretty much read your thoughts.

you nodded your head and mumbled "thanks". the sun was starting to set and you pressed your cheek to the window and just stared out at all the scenery passing by. you focused on all the clouds and trees that passed you by. it nearly put you in a trance since the car ride was decently long from your hometown all the way down to quantico but luckily you caught yourself before you went into deep sleep.

you sat up properly and rubbed your eyes. you realized you were back in the city but not exactly close to your apartment. you were suddenly aware that there was no music playing, the silence was just that comfortable. you are still in a haze of sleepiness as you reach over to spencer's radio and silently press play **(**)** on whatever he had on last. spencer's eyes quickly glance down at his radio as the sound of Clair De Lune fills both your ears.

"no way, this was my college focus song..." you mumble out contently. the sound of the gentle piano piece brings you a sense of tranquility. you smile back on the pleasant memories of your college days and you see spencer has a small smile on his lips too.

you suddenly chuckle thinking about a funny moment you had in class one time and spencer looks over at you and smiles before glancing back at the road.

you begin to hum to the tune of the song, probably doing a terrible job. your humming is mindless until you hear spencer start to join you. you pick your hands up from your lap and start making flowy movements with your hands as if you're a conductor. what you're doing is terribly inaccurate and spencer laughs at you. you try to faux stay focused but you can't help but laugh too. spencer didn't break into laughter often, mostly nervous chuckles but it was great when he did. bliss wasn't a thing you often saw on his face but it was nice when it was. spencer takes his eyes off the road for a moment to look at you completely as you both hum to crescendo part of the song. you break eye contact with him as he turns his attention back to his driving with a small smile on his lips and continues tapping his fingers on the wheel.

you continue to stare at him though. admiring his face as headlights from passing cars flash on his features repeatedly. the sound of cars whizzing by begins to blur and you find yourself hypnotized by the music and watching spencer's movements. every slide his hands make on the wheel, every time his tongue pokes out the side of his mouth as he focuses. the way his shoulders tense for a split second every time he breaks, probably from not being used to driving. every nose scrunch, every voice crack, every ramble.

all things you love about him.

_i love you_

"what?" he asks you

"what!?" you begin to freak out. you hadn't said that out loud had you, you couldn't have. you weren't sure. you were definitely fucking panicking about it. it's too soon, you aren't in the right state of mind to be saying "i love you."

you wanted to say it so bad though, but neither of you were ready.

you meant it too, which made it scarier. you can't come back from this. you wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. quite frankly you didn't want to be in love with anyone. spencer deserves someone better. you knew he would drop everything to be with you but that's not what you wanted. sometimes you wished he was a total asshole just so you'd have a reason to hate him but you really didn't.

"i thought you said something..."

"nope." you popped the "p" and tried to speak as casually as you could. you focused your eyes straight on the road, not daring to let them wonder anywhere else.

"okay, well we're here." spencer says awkwardly. everything was suddenly awkward but you just couldn't keep your mouth shut.

you fiddle with your thumbs in your lap as spencer parks. as soon as he does you open the car door and pull yourself out with a small tired groan. spencer grabs his bag of stuff and you walk yourselves up the apartment building silently. it isn't the same comfortable silence though, it's quite deafening. you feel tense as you stand by your apartment door, having to close your eyes for a moment to prepare yourself to walk in. you can't help but think about how he knows where you live now and that the place meant to keep you safe is exactly where you were taken. spencer notices and puts his hand on the small of your back, "i'm right here okay?" he looks at you concernedly. you let out a long breath trying to relax your muscles. having spencer right next to you makes you more comfortable so you officially open your apartment doors and walk in.

you take in how everything is just how you left it, it's slightly weird but also comforting. your life wasn't really a total mess, you just felt like it was. you began to slowly walk through your kitchen and living room. your dishes were still in their rack. your fridge was still half empty. the pillows on your couch are still disorganized. your curtains are still open which meant anyone could've peered into your apartment while you were gone which didn't bother you as much as you thought. spencer was silently following behind you as you walked into your bedroom. your room wasn't messy but your bed was unmade. you sat down on your bed just silently scanning your room.

spencer stood in front of you with his hands in his pockets doing the same thing. you held in the tears that threatened to spill from your eyes and swallowed the lump in your throat.

"i'm gonna shower, wash this smell of hospital off of me." you stood up and chuckled lightly.

"do you want me to jo-"

"no." you interrupted him quickly, you weren't ready for him to see you just yet. it felt too soon. you knew he would never judge you but you sure as hell would.

"okay, you shower and then we can watch some tv?" he asked, leading you to press your lips together and hum in agreement. he looked slightly hurt by how fast you dismissed his offer but he knew it wasn't personal.

\-----

you walked into your bathroom and took some deep breaths. your eyes had automatically squeezed closed when you went in front of the mirror but you forced them open. you had a faint bruise on your neck that looked worse then it felt. there was a small bandage on your cheek covering the cut. there was a bruise on your jaw as well. your eyes looked so sad and you hated it. you didn't realize there was light in them until it was taken. you started the water and adjusted for the right temperature. you closed your eyes and reluctantly pulled the sweater over your head. you weren't wearing a bra so you just pulled down your sweat pants and underwear at once. your eyes stayed closed until you stood up straight. as much as you didn't want to look down, your doctor said you would have to change your bandage after every shower. so that's what you did. you looked up as your hand peeled off the adhesive material on your thigh. you tossed into the trash and stepped into the warm shower.

you shut your eyes once again and stepped all the way under. feeling the warm liquid run down your body. you let yourself relax into the feeling as you grabbed your shampoo. your hair was tangled from the lack of care but your tried your best. you didn't feel like dealing with your hair right now. you rinsed out your shampoo and then went ahead and used conditioner. the comforting scent of vanilla and oatmeal filled your senses and you let out a sigh. you felt better now that you were getting clean.

you stepped away from the water and began rubbing your soap in your body with your head turned to the ceiling. you didn't want to feel the bruises and scars so you tried to wash where it was necessary. you rinsed the conditioner from your hair and the suds of soap off your body. you stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel from your rack and wrapped it around you. you took a quick glance at your face in the mirror.

_ok, not that bad. i feel human now_

you didn't bother putting on lotion. you just walked into your room and took the bandages and wound cream that your doctor gave you before you left and started putting on the fresh bandage. you carefully pulled on a random t shirt from your drawer and grabbed sweatpants. you lazily tugged your hair into a low ponytail, not caring how messy it was. at this point, anything was better than nothing. spencer was in the living room when you walked out, already changed into his own comfy clothes. you both smiled briefly at each other before you sat next to him on the couch.

you let spencer put on whatever show he wanted and you weren't surprised when he chose doctor who. you tried to stay awake but spencer's arms had found their way around you and you felt warm and snuggly. you let out a loud yawn, shifting yourself downwards so that your head was on his lap and your knees were tucked inwards.

\-----

just as you were about to comfortably fall asleep you suddenly felt weird. you were having hot and cold flashes. you were shivering a lot you were also starting to sweat profusely. spencer could hear your teeth chattering and felt you shaking against his legs. he sat up from the cushion and gently guided you upwards so you were facing him. your heart was beating fast and you felt sick. you just realized it has probably been eight hours since your last opioid dose and withdrawals had already started. you felt so much overwhelming nausea and all you wanted was something to ease the growing headache.

"y/n! oh my god your shaking- " he spoke out rushed and you weren't even paying attention because you ran to the bathroom and caught yourself just in time.

you threw up all your contents into the toilet to the point where you were just dry heaving. you hadn't realized spencer had come up behind you, stroking your back gently. your throat burned from all the bile that came out of you that tears had fallen down your cheeks. your head pounded and you were still shivering. you were over the toilet for a while and couldn't stop thinking about how pathetic you felt. you feel tired of this mess, you didn't want to do it anymore and it was just the first day. you were told it would be one to two weeks.

"y/n, why didn't you tell me you were going through a detox. i put the pieces together but i didn't want to assume-" spencer whispered sounding like he was keeping himself from saying more. his tone was cold this time, he almost sounded angry but he continued to give you affectionate touches.

you didn't answer him, you just wiped your face with your hand as best as you could and reached for the flush handle. you sat down from your knees on the bathroom floor and went to a fetal position with your back against the wall.

"i don't know... partially because i didn't want anyone to know what happened and another part of me didn't want you here to stop me..." you croaked out. you bent your head in shame and felt tears slowly leak out of your eyes. you weren't crying, they were just unstoppably falling down your face.

you listened as spencer's body shifted down so that he was sitting criss cross on the bathroom floor across from you. you could practically feel the disappointment radiating off of him.

"i've been where you are and you know that. i get- i get why you didn't tell me," he sighed out, "but i don't understand why you don't think you can tell me what happened. i'm not just going to let you do this alone. even if you do relapse, i'll be here." he was speaking to you softly and with care but he also sounded hurt. even in your ill state, you still felt bad that you continued to hurt him. you thought you passed that but maybe not.

you felt guilt rise in you, but bile started to come up in your throat as well and you hunched over again and started gag out whatever your stomach had left. you heard the bathroom door creek open as you spit and wiped your mouth as much as you could. you were still shaking from the pseudo fever you were feeling, as well as throwing up.

you reached up and flushed the toilet and then sat down from your knees on the bathroom floor. you felt gross and slightly ashamed, as you were still having thoughts about what you now have to call relapsing. you tucked your head so your forehead was touching your knees and tears continued to fall. you were shaking like a wet rat and you just wanted it to end, all of it. this was just day one.

you tucked your knees into your chest and sat in a fetal position against the wall. spencer walked back into the bathroom and paused for a minute as he watched your position. you heard the sound of a plate gently touch the tile ground beneath you and you looked up. spencer was crouched beside you with a plate of toast and a glass of water. it felt too familiar to you.

suddenly the world around you was blurring and you could hear owen's voice,

_"you need to eat something..."_

you felt like you were drowning internally. for a moment you froze just staring up at him in pure fear.

"no! no! get out! get away from me!" you snapped at him and the adrenaline kicked in. you started to kick your legs desperately at him as fast as you could.

"y/n! you're safe. you're just having an episode." spencer was trying to yell over you but you didn't really let him.

you began to cry, you suddenly could feel all the bruises on your body as if they were fresh. you could smell his scent and you were terrified. you felt like your wrists were still tied and you felt a migraine start again.

"don't fucking touch me! please don't hurt me!"

you squeezed your eyes shut and kept trying to shove spencer away from you so that you wouldn't have to see his face when you opened your eyes.

it all happened so fast but before you knew it you were back on the bathroom floor alone. the glass had broken in the process and there was a small puddle of water that you didn't bother paying attention to. you rubbed your face with your hands repeatedly trying to wipe away everything you were feeling. you knew you were safe but the feeling didn't wash away. you felt like you were back there, it felt just the same. something inside of you came out and it terrified you. you didn't calm down for a while, a small panic attack built up inside you and you felt like you forgot to breathe. your hands and feet felt numb and you had tunnel vision. you tried to wrap your arms around yourself as a way of self soothing but it didn't really help your fast beating heart.

\-----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N   
> I WAS SO CLOSE TO MAKING Y/N PHYSICALLY VIOLENT BUT I DIDNT FEEL LIKE TAKING IT THERE
> 
> yes y/n is the toxic one in this relationship, one of us has to be 🤸♀️
> 
> y'all know that scene where nate from euphoria has a panic attack on his bedroom floor. yeah something like that but, girl screams.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: vomitting and cursing lol

spencer could hear your breakdown and heavy breathing from the other side of the door and it broke him. he silently cried for you on the other side of the door as he listened to you have a traumatic episode. he desperately wanted to hold you in his arms but he knew you needed space. the look on your face was pure terror and your fight or flight kicked in. you thought he was owen and it was horrific. it made him wonder what he had done. it made him angry that even though you were safe, your mind continued to torture you.

\------

about an hour later you hear three knocks on your bathroom door after you've finally calmed down. spencer must have been waiting for you by the bathroom door just listening. you push yourself off of the bathroom floor and splash cold water on your face from the sink. you wipe away the evidence of your distress and go to open the door.

you end up stepping in the broken glass that was on the floor and a small piece makes its way into your foot.

"shit." you whisper as you take a look at your foot and slowly pluck the glass out. it bleeds a little bit but it doesn't hurt that much.

"y/n what happened!?" spencer asks worriedly. instead of answering him right away you open the door and see spencer standing expectantly on the other side.

he immediately pulls you into a hug with his arms wrapped around your back. your face is pressed into his chest and you feel yourself relax from his scent. you probably smelled like throw up but that didn't stop spencer from kissing the top of your head and holding you tightly. he was breathing deeply, sounding extremely relieved. you were officially calm and you felt safe. the pressure of spencer's arms actually made you feel better. you stepped away a little bit and saw that tears had been running down his face. your lip quivered slightly from seeing him cry but you bit your inner cheek to keep yourself from crying again as well.

you brought your thumb up to his red puffy eyes and wiped the remaining stray tears.

"i'm sorry- i don't know what happened but don't cry. i'm okay, i promise." you assured him.

"you had a flashback, don't apologize."

that statement made you feel more like a victim than ever. this wasn't fair, you didn't need a reminder. it's over now, so why doesn't it feel like it?

"i smell like throw up." you whined and pouted childishly.

spencer let out a light chuckle as he sniffled. you turned on the balls of your feet and headed to your sink to brush your teeth. you scrub all the aftertaste of bile from your mouth and spit the minty foam into the sink bowl. you reach down into the sink cabinets and take out your mouthwash. you could still feel it in the back of your throat and you knew it would bother you all night. or morning, you had no idea. you took a swig and began to gargle. you hear spencer let out a laugh from behind you. he sounds half grossed out half amused.

"wha- 'o 'unny." you turn around and face him with the refreshing liquid still in your mouth.

you spit it out and wipe your mouth with your hand towel.

"i didn't want to taste stomach acid all night." you state plainly.

spencer looks at you in disbelief. probably because you were just shaking and crying on the floor, and now your being a smart-ass with him. what can you say, you really know how to bounce back.

you're physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally exhausted now so you make it a point that you are actually going to sleep. not just rest with your eyes open. spencer agrees with you but he makes you drink water first. while you drink your glass of water, you watch as spencer takes a paper towel and walks over to your bathroom and crouches down. he cleans up the mess on the floor and you feel that feeling you're getting to know all too well these days.

your heart feels large and on fire. you feel a lump in your throat that feels like it's filled with joy and gratitude. you felt this feeling of wanting to be wrapped up with him, _in_ him. like his arms were not enough. you wanted to feel all of him on all of you all at once. you can't help but feel selfish and guilty, he got stuck with damaged goods. when he finally finishes, he gathers everything in his hands and walks over to your trash. your eyes follow him through your kitchen as he discards the broken glass and crumpled toast.

"thank you." you mumble shyly. you feel the heat in your cheeks and you put your glass in the sink and rinse.

"you don't have to thank me." he says it like it's obvious and just smiles at you.

"but i do. for everything."

you can't put into words what spencer has done for you. even after everything that has happened, you would do it all again to have this dumb genius standing with you in your kitchen. you hope one day you could repay him for all of this and show the large amount of gratitude you feel. you have never been good at being thankful, it wasn't that you weren't. you just had a hard time _expressing_ it. you frankly consider yourself lucky in a lot of aspects of your life but sharing that always felt too vulnerable. it felt like as soon as you admit something is precious to you, it would get stripped away. spencer's eyes scan you for a moment, trying to read you.

he mumbles "i know" with a sense of understanding and shrugs. you both decide to finally go to bed and you find yourself excited.

you begin to slide your feet against the wooden floors as you walk to your bedroom. you get yourself situated on your side of the bed, pulling yourself under the covers and watch as spencer does the same next to you. when he gets in bed with you, he seems hesitant about something. his fingers are aimlessly tapping against his chest and you turn on your side fully to face him. his head turns to face you as well and you press your lips into a thin line as the corners of his mouth tug upwards.

"ca-can i kiss you?" he asks you nervously.

"um yeah sure. my breath shouldn't stink anymore." you mumble jokingly.

you both begin to slowly inch closer and spencer speaks up again. "that never bothered me before." he whispers with a smirk on his face, knowing exactly how that comment would affect you.

you jerk your head as far back as you can and completely swerve his lips. "what's that supposed to mean?" your face looks shocked but humorous. you're a little embarrassed but you know he's joking.

you completely turn away from him but there is a huge smile plastered on your face. you try to make it look like you're furious but it gets hard when you're trying not to giggle when you hear him having a small fit of laughter.

you hear spencer's chuckles subside and then a hand is cautiously placed on your shoulder. he doesn't even apply pressure, it's as if his hand is gliding. you still try not to move a muscle as you hear the sheets ruffle.

"y/n." he whispers right on your neck. it gives you goosebumps and you shiver a little as you feel his warm breath on your nape. he says it like he is calling for you but you still don't move. you bit your lip trying to keep the playful smile off your face.

spencer places himself on his elbow behind you and applies a light peck to your cheek. it was so faint and you knew he was being careful not to hurt you but for once your mind didn't spiral. maybe because you were too tired and worn out to even think, you just acted. you turned your head to see his face right above yours. both of you are staring at each other half lidded and with slightly hesitation. in one swift movement you turn your body to fully face his and you bring your hands to his face as you pull his lips down into yours.

you let out a deep breath from your nose from the feeling of his lips molding against yours. it had been so long and it felt so perfect. it lit a fire in you and suddenly you were wide awake. you both unconsciously agree not to take it any further but the kiss is heated. his tongue moves along yours as if your mouths are one. your hands move up to his soft light brown waves and your fingers tangle through them. a soft moan escapes both your throats as you try and push him closer to you.

spencer lies back on his side from being propped up on his elbow mid-kiss. your body turns to continue to face him and you both finally pull away.even in the moonlight you can see how flushed spencer is. his chest moves up and down with his pants that match yours. your lips were tingling with desire but you both needed sleep.

"goodnight, spencer." you exhaled, still continuing to breathe heavily.

"goodnight." he spoke softly as both your eyes began to close. for the first time you wriggled yourself closer to him and had your face pressed into his chest and your arms around his torso.

you felt him tense up for a bit and you knew what he was thinking. you grabbed his arm from his side and lazily placed it around you. spencer gently tucked you closer and you heard his breathing slow down as you both drifted off to sleep.

\-------

you woke up earlier than you wanted because you were fucking starving. before you could fully wake up, you felt something warm and heavy on your body. you whimpered a little bit, trying to squirm out of spencer's dead weight. his head is on the top of your breasts and his arm across your stomach. your arm is being slightly crushed by his shoulder and your legs are tangled together. spencer's lips were parted slightly as he let out deep even breaths, clearly still asleep.

you huffed out an annoyed sigh and you hear your stomach growl. you needed to eat but he looked so peaceful. you began to pull him off of you, first untangling your legs and then pushing his arm off your stomach. you stepped off the mattress and slowly tugged your arm out from underneath him. unfortunately, was your sore one but you just massaged it briefly and it felt ok. you sighed relieved that he seemed still deep in sleep. you checked your phone and saw that it was 6:07 in the morning. you got way less sleep than you wanted, probably four hours at most but it was something. you didn't dream of anything and you were internally grateful you got what you wanted. you felt ok, finally.

you started your coffee machine and took out a pan to fry eggs. you knew that you wouldn't be able to stomach much, your appetite was extremely limited at the moment. though, you could still make something for spencer. you made a quick serving of two fried eggs over-easy and took out an avocado cut in half. you put it to the side and began taking out your ingredients to make pancakes. you have some pancake mix and do some quick math to half the ingredient amounts. you get out your mixing bowl and put the oil, milk and egg along with the mix powder and stir the batter. you quickly shut your bedroom door, realizing the sizzling sound might wake him and go straight back to making the pancakes.

you made four big pancakes, you tried to use as much batter as you could so hopefully spencer was ready to eat them. you plated everything and took out your syrup and poured the coffee. you were done and now it was nearly 7:00. you were washing your pan when you heard the floor creak from footsteps and you turned around to see bed head spencer. he eyes still looked tired but the expression on his face looked promising.

"wow, you made food?" he spoke with his groggy morning voice, something you rarely heard. pre-coffee spencer could barely function half the time. his surprise was so genuine you were nearly offended. it's not like you lacked basic culinary skills, unlike _some_ people.

"yes! this is all totally edible. except for the plates."

spencer snickered a little bit but he yawned, clearly still not awake. he sat at the table and his face was blank as he blinked himself awake. he registered the cup of coffee in front of him and immediately went in to drink it. you watched as his adam's apple bobbed up and down as he gulped down the warm liquid. he eventually stopped and put the mug half-full back on the table.

"thank you." he said thankfully as he started serving himself a pancake and poured syrup. your eyes widened slowly after watching him practically swallow half the pancake whole. it weirdly turned you on.

"long night?" you asked him sarcastically as you sat down in front of your plate.

he raised his eyebrows and held back a laugh, clearly uncomfortable with not knowing how you were feeling. "i know right? some girl kept crying in the bathroom." you said jokingly as you took a bite of your eggs. humour was a coping mechanism but you didn't think spencer found it that funny.

spencer's cutlery made a clashing sound with the plate as you watched him cough on his pancake. your statement caught him off guard which made it even funnier.

"it's not funny." he spoke seriously as he finally cleared his throat and you just erupted into more laughter.

"what? you almost dying on my food or me breaking down on the bathroom floor?" you put your hand over your mouth as you giggled and snickered. you didn't know why you felt so light but you did. everything that happened yesterday was so crazy to you it had become hilarious.

"neither, and quite frankly i'm concerned that you're laughing right now. on average five thousand people die from choking on their food." spencer tried to stay serious with you but that just made you laugh so hard you nearly fell out of your chair.

your stomach began to hurt and you couldn't breathe- it was just too much. you laughed so hard you cried. spencer was staring at you like you were fucking crazy, which maybe you were. eventually you settled down and took a few more bites of your eggs and avocado as well as drinking some more coffee. spencer had gotten through two of your pancakes and suddenly you felt queasy.

you sprinted to the bathroom and threw up all your breakfast into the toilet. the sight disgusted you which made you throw up even more. this time you had shut the door behind you because you didn't want spencer to have to see you like that again especially while he was eating. you became irritated with yourself and your body. you flushed the contents down the toilet and tried to wash your mouth and face in the sink as much as you could.

you opened the door and saw spencer on the other side. you stared up at him flatly, you looked annoyed because you are.

"y/n are you-"

"no! spencer im not fucking okay!" you yelled as you pushed passed him and walked over to your small dining table. it was like a flip inside of you switched, every little thing was pissing you off.

"okay, well can you just talk to me?" his eyebrows furrowed in worry.

"you're fucking suffocating me! that's what, stop doing that! stop giving me pity, i don't need that shit!" you yelled at him as you began picking up plates. everything felt so wrong and it was bothering you. you felt like this insatiable need for something otherwise you would burn everything.

"i don't pity you-"

"yes! you do! i see it in your eyes right now as you look at me! if you're here just to feel sorry for me then you might as well leave." you spoke coldly and a flash of hurt went through spencer's eyes. for a moment there you felt guilty but you quickly pushed it away.

"i'm not leaving y/n, you're just having a mood swing okay? just take a few breaths-" he spoke to you factually and calmly, as if you were a wild animal that was about to claw his eyes out. which to be honest, you probably were.

you dropped the plates into the sink and turned back around to face him, "i don't fucking care what it is! it hurts, i'm so upset. i'm angry at everything! i just- i ju-" you couldn't even finish your sentence before your lip started to tremble and you choked out a sob. you began to have a melt down in the kitchen.

_wow i am really spicing it up with the kitchen this time._

you stood there with your head in your hands to try and muffle your cries. you felt spencer wrap his arms around you and you leaned into his touch. you tried to contain your broken sobs so you could speak but you were an emotional wreck. you weren't angry at anyone but something was seriously upsetting you _._

"why- why is th-tthis so har- rd, i was f-fine two- two minutes ago and now i'm a mess." you tried to compose yourself as much as you could but you just sounded like a baby really. you felt pathetic and spencer just rubbed your back soothingly. when you finally stopped shaking and you were no longer crying, you looked up and saw that spencer was trying to hold back a laugh.

"it's not fucking funny!"

_it's pretty fucking funny_

"i'm not laughing!" he said defensively, "but you know, this is all temporary. i promise you'll feel like yourself again soon."

he gave you an encouraging smile and all you could do was nod your head. you still felt low but at least you knew that this was just an outburst and it would pass. you reciprocated the hug spencer already had you in and you wrapped your arms around his waist. you embraced him for a moment, the only sound in your apartment being your sniffles.

\-----

you convinced spencer to let you wash the dishes and then you both changed into new clothes (which were just other pajamas). you sat in the living room, spencer grabbed a book and you put on the cartoon _Boondocks_ because you didn't want to use any brain power right now. at first spencer questioned you on why you liked the show so much and he seemed uncomfortable with how raunchy it was, but that's what you loved. watching two ten-year-old boys cuss was easy entertainment. at some point you caught spencer giggling at some of the parts too. everything had mellowed out and you were really enjoying how you had nothing to do all day but you also weren't alone with your thoughts. spencer and his random facts kept you company.

\-----

you heard spencer's phone ring which meant it was probably work, because he never used his phone otherwise. you took your feet off of his lap and he got up and went to the counter where he had left it.

"hotch." he said briefly before walking into the bathroom and closing the door behind him. you were expecting it to be a work call so you didn't bother listening to the conversation and just went back to your tv show. you knew that if you indulged, you would want to go back into work. you missed it already. one week at a hospital and then two days back home. you wanted to do what you loved again and as gruesome as it was it gave you a sense of purpose. just from analyzing yourself, you were clearly not ready. you were emotionally unstable and constantly on edge and ready to lash out at anyone. which is not good for the field. you were suffering from PTSD and you were technically in recovery. you didn't need to be a profiler to know that anyway.

spencer was actually in the bathroom for a while but his voice was at a normal volume. he was definitely helping them with a case over the phone. you felt bad that you were keeping him from his job. there was clearly someone out there who needed him much more. you bit your nails anxiously as you waited for him to come out. when he finally did he told you how they just needed to consult him on something. he definitely was sparing you with the details because he knew it would make you upset.

"if they need you, you should go back." you say as clearly as you can. as you watch him walk over and sit back on his spot on the couch.

"i promise you, they're fine. they just wanted to ask a few questions. they don't need me, you do." his eyes locked with yours and you bore into his hazel eyes. his eyes searched your (e/c) ones to make sure that his statement sank in.

it didn't, you still wanted him to go back to work. sure it would suck but it was the right thing to do. you didn't protest because spencer is one stubborn mother fucker. he is still here with you after everything that has happened with you. you're starting to think he is crazy.

you nodded your head regretfully and turned back to the tv.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N
> 
> OH MY FUCKING GOD THESE LAST TWO CHAPTERS WERE A LOT sorry for having u guys read sm. half of it is filler but i couldn't help myself for some reason.


	24. Chapter 24

the rest of the week was a roller coaster. you were still a complete mess but things had started to improve. you started to hold your meals down and your mood swings were less intense. the nightmares subsided with having spencer laying next to you. they still happened but they were becoming less vivid, you'd wake up in a panicky sweat but there were no longer images plastered on the back of your eyelids. you were also getting used to having spencer there all the time. even though he continued to step out of the room to help your team with a case, he said they didn't need him too much. sometimes you would hear chatter from his speakerphone through the bathroom walls and try to grasp what they were talking about. you missed your team, you realized that both you and spencer hadn't seen them face to face in a while.

"and reid, how's she doing?" you hear morgan ask on the phone. it's muffled but you can still make some things out as you press your ear to the cold wooden door.

"she's- she's definitely getting better. she's been through a lot but i know she'll be ready to come back." spencer lowers his voice some more which is annoying. you practically plaster your body up against the door to try and make out what he's saying. his words make you smile.

"but i don't know if i'm ready for her to go back. i mean, part of me just wants her to never leave. i'm scared something will happen again." you can hear the sadness in his voice as the words quiver. he was truly worried about you and it brought fresh tears to your eyes. you didn't want him to be scared for you, you could handle yourself. maybe you weren't okay now but everything will be.

you couldn't really hear any of the responses after that, he must have taken them off speaker phone and had it pressed to his ear. you knew your team was supporting you from the sidelines and it was really great. they made you feel like family from day one. emily and jj called you when they could but penelope definitely talked to you the most. you could always count on her to give you a ton of things to talk about to keep you from asking about work.

you heard spencer begin to say goodbye and you speed walked back to your couch where he had left you. you blinked back your tears as you heard the bathroom door open.

"how did it go?" you asked him innocently.

"it went well, they're getting close to closing the case. should be over soon." he eyed you suspiciously for a moment as he answered you.

"cool." you nodded your head and began to nibble on your inner cheek.

Spencer continued to watch the tv and you grabbed your phone so you could scroll aimlessly on social media and say the date at the top. it read "october 19", you realized it was almost a week till spencer's birthday. spencer never talked about his birthday, in fact, the only reason you knew is because garcia was looking at all of your zodiac signs. you abruptly got up and walked to your bedroom. your muscles ache slightly from the lack of motion from watching tv all morning. you shut the door behind you and dialed penelope's number.

"hey my lovely! is everything okay?" penelope shrills through the phone joyously but also with a hint of concern.

"hey pen, yeah everything is great actually," you pause. you practically can feel her smile through the phone, "i was actually wondering what we should do for spencer's birthday?" you asked unsure. you try to whisper because usually if you're gone too long spencer will get suspicious and he might ruin the whole thing. plus, he's a profiler and this was going to be really hard.

"it's hard to convince boy genius to celebrate BUT if we totally ambush him, i think we can do it!"

so a surprise party it is, well not party- gathering. you were nervous about this, you've never done something like this for someone. you weren't the type to host something and social gatherings scared you. yeah, you were close with everyone but being at work and hanging out for fun was two different things in your mind. you're good at hiding it but you guess you were _technically_ socially anxious. you truly hated it. you've only been a hundred percent comfortable around a few people, spencer and your brother included.

"ya that sounds cool actually. maybe we could do it at rossi's?"

"yes! oh my god this is going to be your first time at the italian stallions mansion!" penelope gasped into the phone and you both let out a hearty laugh. you heard stories about rossi's food but things kept coming up and the moment never arrived but hopefully rossi would want to host spencer's birthday.

you and penelope did some light planning, assuring you that rossi would say yes. you both decided that this wouldn't happen exactly on spencer's birthday because that would be stupid, so you decided on the twenty-third. since his actual birthday was so close to halloween and you'd be back at work by then (fingers crossed), you might do something with that since halloween is his favorite holiday. you both hope that no cases come up within the next three days and penelope says she will ask everyone and let me know if they can make it.

"is everything okay?" you hear spencer from the other side of the door.

instead of answering right away, you stand up from your bed and open the door with a smile on your face.

"yeah, i just felt like calling penelope."

"then why'd you close the door?"

you roll your eyes dramatically, "jeez, you don't need to know everything." you tease him and walk past him, sitting back on your couch.

\----

you found yourself bored and also hungry but your fridge and cabinets were empty at this point. you didn't know what you were craving so you asked spencer if you could go grocery shopping. he was hesitant at first and you had to remind him that he wasn't your bodyguard, you were an adult and you needed to run errands. you both got changed into proper clothes. you went into your room and changed, spencer going into the bathroom. you thought you'd actually get dressed, even though it was just the grocery store. you dug through your drawers and picked out a sky-blue lace bra and underwear set and sprayed yourself with the lavender-vanilla scented perfume that sat on your nightstand.

you were beginning to feel okay with your body again and you wanted to try feeling confident, even just for the moment. you opened up your disorganized closet and picked out a burgundy maxi-skirt that had little mustard yellow florals all over it and went up to your calves. you fished out a plain black tank top that went all the way down to the waistband of your skirt. since it was officially autumn, you topped it off with a cardigan that was gray and striped with different shades of brown.

(fit check!!! ahaha dripyyyy, imagine no tummy tho)

you brush out the ends of your hair, trying to get out any last-minute tangles and you pull it into your regular ponytail. pulling two small pieces down to frame your face. for makeup you decide on a light layer of your (s/t) concealer under your eyes and on the fading bruises. you put some messy black eyeliner on and also a light pink lip gloss. you put on a simple silver chain necklace that had a ring looped on it to accessorize, because why not. you quickly pull on some thick red socks to keep your feet warm.

you take one quick look at yourself in the mirror and notice how the loose, soft material of your skirt makes your ass look great as you walk. the tank top accentuated your breasts but the cardigan kept it modest. you smirk at your reflection and find yourself feeling attractive which was really refreshing to the regular self-loathing. you grab your cross-body purse and walk out your room. you see spencer standing in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee and totally lost in a book that he's absolutely lost in. you took the opportunity to see that he was dressed in a faded purple-ish cardigan with a gray button-up underneath. the button up is tucked into his soft brown corduroy pants.

"ahem." you fake cough to get his attention.

he looks up at you mid-sip and spits a little into his cup. his face cracks into a large smile, like a kid at a candy store. this boosts your confidence so much more, even though you didn't do anything special, spencer makes you feel special. like you're the only girl in the world, a feeling you've never felt.

his eyes sparkle as he watches you do a quick twirl on your toes, "what do ya think?" you wiggle your eyebrows playfully as you smile just as wide as he is. you walk over to the opposite side of the counter, closing your proximity with him.

he pauses as his mouth opens and closes, as if he can't find his words. he laughs lightly as he gives up and walks over standing right in front of you with his hands on your upper arms. his face suddenly serious as you both took a moment to look into each other's eyes. his hazel eyes darkened and so did yours as you became flustered, gulping in an effort to not to turn to complete jello. the look in his eyes gave you a feeling of pure admiration and it nearly brings tears to your eyes.

"you're the only person who has rendered me speechless. you're everything and anything all at once, all the time and i-" you cut off his speech by bringing your hands to the back of his head and push his lips into yours. you couldn't help yourself, what he said ignited something in you that you couldn't show with words. you flutter your eyes closed as you feel his mouth move against yours.

he brought his hands to your hips and groaned into your mouth as you parted your lips for him. he immediately started to dance his tongue with yours and with force. you stand on your toes, trying to get even closer to him even though your bodies are already pressed. his hands begin to grope and roam your back all the way to the curve above your ass. more butterflies erupt in your stomach as you feel his hands bunch up your skirt, squeezing your behind. you hike one of your legs up so they are semi wrapped around his hip. you begin to feel spencer's bulge through his pants against your inner thigh. you slowly and regretfully pull your lips away from his.

"we won't make it out of here and i'm really hungry." you chuckle lightly as you see his post-make out hair. "me too." he replies and you drop your leg and even out your skirt and top. you internally try to settle the stubborn arousal that you feel between your legs but you guess you will just have to deal.

you look up to see that he's watching you, "what?"

"i'm just happy you're feeling better." he answers you fondly and you try to bite back a smile. you roll your eyes,"okay you sap, let's go." you poke his cheek with your index finger and turn away heading for the door, trying to ignore the heat in your cheeks. you slide the black vans that you left by the door onto your feet and spencer ties up his converse on his.

"after you kind sir." you open the door for him in a sort of awkward fashion.

"thank you m'lady." spencer gives you a curt nod and walks past you, leaving your apartment. you guys decide to take the ten minute walk to the grocery store. you feel the gentle fall wind on your face as you listen to spencer's facts about old english that you soak in, hoping that you could use them on a random stranger to seem smarter.

\----

"i can't believe you hate lucky charms." spencer shakes his head in disappointment.

"dude, they're fucking disgusting." you give him a pointed look as you both stroll through the cereal aisle because you couldn't keep up cooking breakfast everyday.

"one, they are a mix of marshmallows and rice wafers that is socially acceptable to eat for breakfast. two, you have a cussing problem."

you looked at him with your mouth agape. he really just called you out like that, and he knew it too. "yeah well, i'll begin to censor myself. just for you." you winked at him and saw a faint blush come up on his neck.

"you know, swearing actually has a cathartic effect. when someone is frustrated or upset, actually saying a bad word releases stress."

"hm, then maybe i've been doing myself a favor." you pick up the frosted flakes and spencer doesn't stop you so you take it as a yes.

you continue to walk down the next aisle which is frozen food. your eyes scan over all the meals, distracted by the options until you feel a hand on your lower back. you tense for a split second but you recognize it's spencer's. he is very touchy and affectionate in private. always putting his hands on your hips when passing by, or a hand on your shoulder as he reaches for something. in public, not so much, and neither of you. so it did kind of startle you at first. you feel heat rush to your face from the public display of affection because it's a little odd for you. spencer seems totally calm, which makes sense, what he is doing isn't even that drastic but still. it's like _announcing_ to the world that you're involved with each other.

you decide to pull your thoughts back to the ice cream that's in the freezer in front of you. "hey spencer, what ice cream do you want?" you bend down and his hand leaves your back as you reach for the cookies and cream ice cream. you don't hear a response so you crane your head to look behind your shoulder and see spencer lost in thought, staring at your ass.

you smirk to yourself and stand upright. spencer shakes the thoughts from his head and says "hmm?"

"were you just staring at my butt?" you whisper-shout.

"what- no! i would- i wouldn't do that. not that i don't like your... behin-" his face is crimson.

"tsk tsk, you're being a very dirty boy spencer walter reid." you tease him with a dominant tone.

spencer eyes you up and down and gulps, not sure how to respond. he's embarrassed he got caught but also excited with the anticipation.

"i might have to punish you for that later." you stand on your tippy toes and whisper into his ear. you see the goosebumps take form on his neck and a small broken whimper falls from his lips. he clears his throat with a cough to try and cover it up.

you stand back on the balls of your feet and turn back to the freezer. "so what flavor?"

"oh uh- mint chip? please." his voice cracks and goes up an octave almost as if he's asking if he is allowed to get it. which you honestly should say no because mint chip is good but if you're, like, old or something. or you want to cover the taste of a bad dinner out of your mouth.

you grab him the mint chip pint and put the cookies and cream in the shopping basket. you guys are pretty much done. you have an array of vegetables, fruits and you got more coffee grounds and restocked on your tea. you also got some basic milk, eggs, yogurt, juice and bread. you both walk up to the line towards the cashiers which isn't too long since it's mid-day and not a weekend. you ring your stuff up on the counter and watch as the lady charges and bags all your food. your eyes move from your food to her gaze and see that it's going back and forth between you and spencer and then the register.

you squint your eyes at her slightly, feeling a tinge of jealousy. she has long blond hair and brown eyes, she looks young, she could be in college. her small frame further proving her age. you feel slightly insecure from seeing her, she's really pretty. perfect skin and nicely done nails. watching her check out spencer isn't helping. he's just aimlessly shifting back and forth on his feet, as he often does in awkward silence.

"okay, that'll be forty-five ninety-eight please." she looks at you slightly with attitude then gives spencer a small cute smile. you know how attractive spencer is, hell, you were in her place once. it's hard knowing that he just goes out in public looking that good and totally oblivious. however, it's a little hard for you to ignore.

you give her a passive-aggressive smile and as you reach into your bag for your wallet spencer puts his hand on your arm to stop you. "y/n, let me pay." he says as he reaches into his back pocket.

"nope, i'm paying." you continue to fish out your wallet and see the cashier roll her eyes and you fight the urge to give her a nasty look.

"no y/n-"

"i said i'm paying." you look him in the eyes and give him a look that says you're serious. spencer lets you pay after that. you didn't want him to pay because it's your groceries and a small part of you didn't want him to make direct contact with the girl across from you who was so obviously checking him out.

you hand her your card, not bothering to dig for cash and she gives you a receipt. you put your wallet back in your bag and you and spencer grab two grocery bags each. You walk past the automatic doors of the store and feel the cool air brush against your face.

"why were you jealous?" spencer gets right to the point, not bothering to even ask if you were. you didn't think your discomfort was that obvious but spencer tends to be a lot more aware than he leads on. plus he is a freaking profiler, which causes you to do an internal eye roll.

"i'm not jealous plus sh-" you stop yourself, noticing that you are about to prove his point if you finish that sentence. you decide to keep your eyes on the walk ahead of you.

"i'm glad you're jealous, y/n, it means you care." spencer beams but also says it kind of shyly.

you smile a little bit but your pride slightly gets in the way. "still, i'm not jealous."

\----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N
> 
> i was gunna write smut for this chapter but you guys will have to wait bcuz im so fucking tired lol like i wrote this half asleep.
> 
> also i got super carried away with this chapter like its so much longer then i planned but idk, i just wanted to show how much better y/n is feeling ig. my orginal plan was to give her a hard time with getting better but i genuinely felt bad???
> 
> enjoy the semi cute/filler chapter.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: thigh riding, smut

you unlock your apartment door, letting spencer in first and closing it behind you as you enter. you drop the grocery bags onto the kitchen counter and drop your purse on the floor with a dramatized sigh from the ache in your arms. you and spencer put the food in the fridge and the ice cream in the freezer as you discuss what you want to eat for dinner. after minutes of trying to convince spencer to let you have ice cream before dinner, it didn't work. so you decided on salmon and roasted brussel sprouts, something your mom always made for you when you were little.

"you can have dessert later." spencer murmured seductively in your ear as you were cutting the brussel sprouts.

you stopped cutting with the knife still in your hand, you gave him a side eye and he shot you a smug grin. "don't threaten me with a good time, i have a knife."

spencer blushed before stepping away from you slightly. he knew you were joking but he was still cautious.

you didn't really let spencer do much, you were kind of a control freak in the kitchen. you had him turn on the oven and that was it. you didn't trust his hand eye coordination, especially around heat. he was very easily distracted. you let him choose his own music which was of course classical. he chose one of beethoven's symphonies and it was very tranquilizing. spencer idly spewed of facts about how classical music is good for your brain cells, or something of the sort. you listened as best as you could over the sound of the salmon sizzling in hot oil and chopped garlic but sometimes you couldn't keep up. his caliber was just so high above yours it was intimidating at times. sometimes he would say things that silenced you because you didn't even know how to comment.

you coated the brussel sprouts in olive oil and then evenly sprinkled salt and pepper all over them before throwing them onto a tray. you tossed them into the oven for ten minutes.

"yeah, you're a way better cook than me." spencer laughs as he watches you flip the salmon in the pan and watch it cook.

"i know right? i'm wifey material." you say mindlessly as you keep your eye on the stove.

"w-would you actually ever... get married?" spencer asks you with his voice cracking up an octave.

"honestly, probably not. that's not really something i want right now." you say nonchalantly before turning around and seeing spencer's face. he looks very disappointed to say the least. he tries to hide it when you face him but it's too late. you feel guilty now, not only about what you said but how you said it. you didn't even hesitate with your answer but that's because it's the truth and you've felt that way for a while.

spencer mouths an "oh" and there is a beat of silence before you decide to change the subject. this is something you really don't want to talk about. talking about marriage makes you itchy in a way you can't explain but it makes you want to run. you take the salmon out and plate them each along with their own serving of the roasted brussel sprouts. you place spencer's plate in front of him on the table before setting down your own plate opposite him.

he mumbles a thank you and goes to take a bite but you suddenly stop him. "wait! i forgot the lemon. that's what makes everything good."

you excitedly get up and quickly cut a lemon in half and put it on a saucer plate in the center of the table. you both begin to eat your food and you enjoy the flavors of your early childhood. good memories of eating your brothers veggies for him flood your mind.

"this is- surprisingly good. i hate eating my vegetables."

"that's concerning. will i have to keep an eye on your veggie intake?" you tease him as if he is a kid.

spencer shrugs off your comment and you both spend the dinner idly talking about your childhood.

\----

you found yourself on spencer's lap as he read you a book- _The Narrative of John Smith -_ spencer had brought it with him. you can tell from the condition the book is in that he has flipped through these pages numerous times, could be hundreds considering how fast he can read. you sped through dinner a little bit to get to your ice cream. gratefully swallowing the sweet frozen cookies and cream. you had your back against his chest and your head slightly leaned on his shoulder. you sat on one thigh while the other had your legs lazily draped over it. you had taken off your cardigan and thrown a hoodie over it for comfort, ice cream made you cold.

you mindlessly ate the ice cream at a slow pace as you intently listened to spencer's soothing voice. hearing it vibrate through his chest.

" _one way or another all the light and energy and order and genuine. tharkraft or available virtue we have does come out of us and goes very infallibly into god's treasury, living and working through eternities there. we are not lost, not a solitary atom of us - "_

spencer expertly slowed down his reading for you to understand, which was sweet in it's own way. you actually got into the book, it had a similar vibe to sherlock holmes so you could see why spencer enjoyed it.

at around four chapters in, you started to get antsy. feeling his warm chest against your back. watching his eyes scan the page faster then the words falling from his perfect lips. the way his hand would occasionally adjust your thigh. you turn your head to the crook of his neck, letting out a light breath that causes his voice to crack. you begin to pepper kisses along the side of his neck, listening to his breathing shallow as he slowly gives up on reading. he tilts his head back, allowing you access to his throat. you drop the ice cream pint on the coffee table and swiftly shift your position so that your hand is on the back of his neck. you move your legs to either side of his thigh so that you're straddling him on your couch.

your skirt bunches up to your thighs and spencer gently places the book on the side of the couch. he cautiously brings his hands to your waist, placing them under your hoodie and rubbing soft circles with his thumb into your sides.

"is thi- is this okay?" you murmur under your breath. your lips centimeters from his. you watch his face flush before he eagerly nods.

"i said you'd get dessert..." he smirks slightly before closing the distance and moving his lips against yours. you tangle your hands into his hair and groan into his mouth. you part your lips for him and he instantly mingles his tongue with yours. tasting the cookies and cream in your mouth. the kiss is hungry and he tightens his grip on your waist. you break the kiss and tug his bottom lip between your teeth, causing a moan to fall from your mouth.

"in that case, give me a second."

you leave his lap and walk over to your freezer, grabbing his mint chip ice cream with a mischievous grin on your face. you grab a spoon and quickly walk back over to the couch. spencer's eyes watch you with slight confusion and anticipation. his erection already beginning to grow in his pants.

you place the ice cream on the coffee table and slowly and seductively slip your skirt off your body, exposing your blue lace underwear. you pull your hoodie off over your head and drop it on the floor as well, leaving you in a tank top and underwear with your cleavage and bra peeking out slightly. if spencer notices your cuts, he doesn't even make it seem like it. his eyes don't flicker to them even for a second which makes you feel better.

"fuck..." he whispered as his eyes scanned your body. more wetness pooled in between your thighs as you watched his eyes darken. you took the frozen dessert off the table and went back to straddling him.

you took the lid off and dug out a spoonful. "open." you whispered and he obliged, parting his lips for you. you pushed the spoon into his mouth and watched as he let the sweet cream melt into his mouth. you then dug a spoonful out for yourself. you let the flavor coat your mouth and push your lips into his. you both inhale deeply through your nose and push your tongue into his mouth. you both taste each other's tongues mix the ice cream together as you practically are hungry for his mouth.

one of spencer's hands go to gently caressing your upper thigh while the other supports your back, roaming your torso. mid-kiss you swallow the remaining ice cream in your mouth and smiling into the kiss.

"we should eat ice cream like this all the time." spencer pants out and you nod cheekily, silently agreeing. you turn away quickly placing down the ice cream with your hands becoming slightly numb. you take your time turning back to him and continuing the kiss. this time you place your hands on his nape and spencer's hands roam your waist and go down to your ass, giving you a gentle encouraging squeeze.

you feel spencer's hard press into your clothed clit and you moan into his mouth. you begin to grind back and forth on his thigh, already feeling the warm pleasure flood your pelvis. you bring your hands to his button, suddenly annoyed with him being fully clothed. you anxiously unbutton his shirt and you slow down your movements as you watch as he eagerly pulls it off his arms.

once he tosses the shirt off you push your chest into his, continuing your movements against his bulge. this time you bring your lips to his neck and leave sloppy wet hickeys down his throat. he tilts his head back slightly and whimpers at the feeling of you leaving marks. spencer's hands go to your hips and they begin to guide your movements.

your lips part and a string of small mewls fall from your throat as you feel yourself already getting close, just from rubbing against him. you bury your face into the warm crook of his neck, your breath fanning against him. your legs begin to shake and you lose control of your movements. spencer's grip tightens on your hips, he fully takes charge of your movements and rhythmically rocks you against him.

"don't stop. th-that feels g-good." you somehow speak through the intense euphoric feelings running through your core.

"am i gonna make you cum like this?" he says smugly.

"yes." you gasp out, the knot in your stomach ready to be released and his words give you permission.

"f-fuck!" your moan echoes through your living room as your legs shake. your pussy throbs and spasms around nothing as your long overdue orgasm washes over you. spencer's grip eases up on your hips as you pant into his chest. you didn't think you would cum just from dry humping but you didn't think you'd last long.

spencer kisses your clammy forehead and then gently lifts your face with his fingers so your lips meet his. he gives you a sweet kiss and you roam your hands along his stomach. you still feel his bulge constrained against his pants on your inner thigh. you break the tender kiss and waste no time removing yourself from his lap and get on your knees in front of him.

spencer watches your quick movements and his face becomes crimson. "you don't have to i-"

"spencer i want to do this, please?" you interrupt him.

he curtly nods his head down at you and you take his permission to begin unbuttoning his pants. you slide them down his thighs and he lifts himself up slightly for you to tug them down. you see the tent of his hard cock begging to be released. spencer scoots himself further to the edge of the couch and you lift your tank top off your body. spencer looks down at your dilated (e/c) eyes and then down at your breasts. your breasts spill slightly from the cup of your bra and spencer smirks at your undergarments.

"who did you wear this for?" he breathes out with a dominant tone, his hand going to your cheek as he gently caresses it.

"you, doctor."

spencer hums in response and you bring your fingers to the waistband of his pants. you stand on your knees and leave wet kisses along his abdomen as you tug down his boxers. spencer's breath becomes shallow again as he watches you lower your face so that it's level with his needy dick. your hair is already in a ponytail but spencer reaches behind your head and gently grips onto your hair as you swipe your tongue up his shaft.

spencer hisses from the feeling, already so sensitive because of how long it has been for him. you bring your hand to his dick and swipe your thumb along his tip as you collect the precum that formed. his cock twitches in your palm and he moans as you begin to pump. his moans and whimpers make your stomach flip and your thighs clench together.

you swipe your tongue across your lips and finally bring your mouth to the tip of his cock. spencer moans as you sink him into your mouth at an agonizingly slow pace. you flatten your tongue under his tip and taste the already warm liquid begin to ooze.

spencer is keeping himself from pushing you further, but you know you can take more. you bring him all the way to the back of your throat and gag slightly. he tilts his head back in pleasure as you bob your head up and down his shaft. you swirl your tongue around his tip and he lets out a shakey groan.

"i won't- _shit-_ i won't last long, you look so perfect like this." he looks down at you with his eyes hooded and his mouth agape. you look up at him and flutter your eyelashes innocently as you moan into his cock from his words.

he lets out a series of whimpers and moans of pleasure as you speed up your pace on his cock. you allow him to repeatedly hit the back of your throat, your gagging bringing him closer to the edge. you continue to look at his face contorting in pleasure and you know he's close.

"i'm gonna cum, do-don't swallow." he commands you and you hollow out your cheeks creating a suction. he pushes your head all the way down his cock and you gag loudly as his dick twitches and his load spills into your mouth.

he lets out a semi-high pitched long moan that felt like music to your ears. he pulls out of your mouth and you follow his instructions, not swallowing. some of his salty cum dribbles down your chin but you leave it there. spencer stares down at you and grabs your jaw, guiding you to face him. you stay silent, keeping his milky fluid in your mouth, getting used to the taste. you sit next to him and you turn to look up at him. spencer brings his middle and index finger to your bottom lip and pushes your jaw down. you open up your mouth and his dark eyes admire how your filled with him.

"you look so beautiful with my cum in your mouth." the whisper praises you and the feeling goes straight to your core.

he does something you don't expect and he spits directly into your mouth. a muffled moan leaves your mouth and your eyes flutter as they roll back into your head. he inserts his two fingers fully into your mouth and then pulls them out, dragging the cum down your chin. he roughly grips your jaw and crashes his lips to yours and you immediately open your mouth, allowing him to taste himself. you lean forward into the kiss causing him to lay down on his back with your body on top of him between his legs. His hands grip the back of your head as if to bring you closer. Your hands on his chest for some form of support.

the kiss feels sinful in the best way. they way he looked down at you and spit in your mouth was the hottest thing and it caught you off guard which made it better.

you both just made out for a while, enjoying the feeling of each other's warm bodies. you were surprised but you honestly missed having him down your throat. you missed him making you feel good.

\----

you put the now halfway melted ice cream back in the freezer and you and spencer get ready for bed. you both shower, this time you let spencer join you as you go through your regular routine and he does his. you are honestly worn out so you quickly dry off and get into a big shirt and fresh underwear. you and spencer both brush your teeth together stealing small adoring glances from each other.

you climb under the covers and spencer gets in next to you with a t-shirt and sweatpants. "can i be a big spoon?" you yawn to spencer. he is barely visible in your dark room and he is too tired to speak so he just turns over onto his side and shuffles back towards you.

a small laugh escapes his lips as you press your chest to his back and wrap your arm lazily around his waist. he is taller than you by quite a bit but he feels small snuggled into your embrace. you place a quick kiss on the back of his head and spencer puts his hand over yours, lacing his fingers in yours. you let out a satisfied, relaxed sigh as you inhale spencer's scent and feel his body heat and it lulls you to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N
> 
> this took me forever bleh. it's not even that good. could be better
> 
> I'm probably gunna take a small break, write out an outline because i have like three plot ideas


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: fluffy like rlly fluffy

“you know i’m not fluent in arabic but i think that i can make out most of it.”

“lucky for you, i do speak arabic.” you look back at him as you drag him to the park. you’re anxious because today is spencer’s surprise birthday party. you and penelope made a plan over the phone after she confirmed with you that everyone could come. you and her decided that you would take spencer to see a foreign horror film in the park that was playing since there were a bunch being hosted throughout october. you saw a flyer for it on a bus stop. the movie was short, only forty five minutes long, and since the sun set early you guys should be finished with the movie by 5:30. giving you enough time to drive spencer to rossi’s since he agreed to host his birthday party, saying it was his pleasure. hopefully you two would be arriving there between 6:00 and 6:30. hotch said that he would bring his son jack which means you would get to finally meet him and rossi said he would be making you all the best pasta you’ve ever had. penelope had ordered a chocolate cake that we were going to greet spencer with right as he walks in. 

right now, spencer (hopefully) thought that you and him were just getting out of the house and going on a “date” of sorts and also celebrating that you would be going back to the office soon. something that you were also ecstatic about. you brought two blankets and crackers, cheese and berries. you were a little too proud of yourself but you haven’t had a picnic since ever. the opportunity just never arrived. while you were packing everything, you were super giddy and you kinda sprung this whole thing on him out of the blue and he was suspicious to say the least but he didn’t question it too much. spencer was happy you wanted to watch a film with him, especially since you rejected him last time (which he didn’t hesitate to remind you of). he also saw it as an opportunity to improve his arabic language skills so win-win. spencer definitely knew something was going on, though he wasn’t sure what. watching your joy was enough for him, he was so glad you were doing better. watching your mental health improve was the best feeling in the world to him. you are so strong in his eyes, he often saw himself as weak even when that was far from the truth. he was happy that you didn’t have to go through what he went through which was almost a year of physical and mental damage. 

“you never told me you speak arabic?” he asked you with his hand still in yours. it made you feel giddy inside that he was still holding on because you knew how much he cringed about that transmission of germs. 

“yep, i had a friend who spoke it and they would only talk to me in arabic to annoy me and eventually i just learned.” you answered him proudly as you guys finally arrived at the area of the local park and you began to slow down your walk. 

you’re a little chilly but it’s fine, you prefer the cold. wearing a long but thin strapped dress will do that. the dress is forest green with pink-ish flowers flowing all over it, it was silky flowy material which felt nice on your skin. you’re wearing a soft pink cardigan made of wool over it that had a sort of neutral undertone. you’re wearing your regular worn out vans which kind of stick out of the rest of your outfit but it still looks cute. you had your hair twisted up into an alligator clip with some strands falling in front of your face accidently. spencer is wearing a grey pullover with a white button up underneath so that the collar sticks out. he is wearing his regular black pants with converse but he has on a vibrant purple scarf that adds a pop of color to it. you think he looks absolutely adorable, and his cluelessness just adds to it. 

“that’s cool, maybe you could teach me?!” spencer’s face lights up. 

“yeah sure, i’m an awful teacher though.” you guys are facing a big white tapestry of sorts, obviously waiting for it to grow darker so that the projection will show. the grass is slightly damp from what you can tell, making you extra grateful you brought two blankets. you put the basket on the grass and bent at the waist to start taking out everything. 

“it’s okay, i can probably teach myself most of it, i just need someone to practice conversation with.” spencer talks to you as you get on your knees and he follows suit. trying to get comfortable on the ground as you put the crackers, cheese and berries on the blanket gently. 

“mashy, yaa habibi” you look at spencer and give him a smug wink and you see him blush. all you said was “okay, love/honey/darling/friend” (there are many versions for different context). “ugh, my accent could definitely be better, i think i need practice too.” 

“better than mine. I gave up on learning italian because rossi and emily kept making fun of me.” spencer pouted and you giggled at his defeated expression. the thing about language is it’s more than just the words and their meaning. there are contextual versions of words and it requires a sense of understanding. there are words in some languages that don’t exist in others, there are words that are the same but mean something different. there are also different kinds of phonetic indicators, different grammar structures. so unfortunately for spencer, he couldn’t just read a french to english dictionary and magically know the language. you popped some raspberries into your mouth and looked up at the sky. it was breathtakingly gorgeous, with the hues of orange to pink to blue, white cirrus clouds littered across the horizon. you decided you would try and calm your incessant nerves by watching the sky while you waited for the movie to start. 

you saw out of the corner of your eye spencer scoot next to you and lay down, lacing his warm hand with yours. your ears became hot from another public display of affection. it caught you off guard again but you gave his hand a soft squeeze. Your hands were cold and you appreciated the heat that he provided. 

“why are you nervous?” he asked you when you made eye contact 

“why are  _ you  _ nervous?” you shot back at him with your eyes squinting playfully. 

“i- i guess ‘cause this is a date? i think…” spencer’s voice trailed off as he grew slightly uncomfortable. 

you pondered it for a moment, maybe this was a date. you didn’t even really think about it since this whole thing was technically just a decoy for the celebration later and spencer had been staying with you for the past week and a half. 

“i guess so.” you shrugged, suddenly more nervous with the added pressure that he was counting this as a date. “can you tell me the different types of clouds?” you change the subject. 

“stratus, cirrus, cumulus, nimbus, cirrocumulus-” 

“i have a feeling this list is long, but i think those are cirrus clouds right?” you interrupt him after getting the answer you wanted and he giggles answering yes. 

“they're like a fluffy blanket roaming across the sky…” you say, trying to sound poetic with your hands gesturing to the now twilight sky. 

“poetic.” 

“thanks, i have such a way with words.” you turn and smile at him. just then a guy comes out and stands in front of the “screen” announcing that the movie is about to start. 

the movie was old but good, you did in fact get cold though so spencer wrapped his arms around you as you laid against his chest between his legs. it was hands down the most comfortable feeling, being surrounded by his arms, by his body. the bad special effects made you laugh but spencer seemed genuinely terrified by all the mummies. it was cute how he had an affinity for halloween but was so easily spooked. there were subtitles so you didn't really have to bring out your language skills, thankfully so, they're pretty rusty. 

now the movie was over and you packed everything up and held hands with spencer all the way to your car. 

“i’m going to need you to put this on.” you stop him from getting inside your care and dig out a tie from your purse. you have an awkward smile on your face and it’s probably so obvious what’s going on. you feel like you might’ve ruined it already. 

“around my neck…?” you roll your eyes at him and he giggles. 

“no, around your eyes.” 

“okay, you know not being able to see while you drive is extremely anxiety inducing. i night barf in your car.” he shrugs as you wrap the tie around his eyes, trying to be gentle with your touch. 

“don’t worry, i’m not going to kidnap you. just relax okay? you’re gonna love it.” you cringe a little at your word choice but spencer doesn’t bring it up so you push the thoughts away, you’re not going to ruin this. 

the color drains from spencer’s face as he realizes that he has lost probably his most important sense. he already moves in such an awkward fashion and the whole not being able to see thing kind of makes it worse. you gently push spencer to the side, opening the car door with a small mischievous smile on your face. 

“give me your hand and sit down when i say, okay?” you chuckle as spencer aimlessly puts his hand out for you. his head sharply turning to face you at the sound of your voice. 

“yo- you probably should’ve done this when i-i was already sat in the car.” spencer lets out a nervous laugh you guide him downwards and finally get his tall body into the passenger seat of the car. 

“yeah, yeah. whatever spence, you’ll be fine.” you get into the driver's seat and start your car. you smile at him and then realising he can’t see your face. 

you take out your phone and silently follow the directions to rossi’s address. the drive is quiet, too quiet. you’re fine but it’s making spencer anxious. his fingers are tapping rhythmically on his knees, his jaw kept clenching. he trusted you, obviously. he never got to know someone the way he knew you after spending all this time with you. you put your hand on his thigh and offered him a small squeeze and he let out a soft sigh as you rest your hand there. 

“okay where are we going, this is way longer than the drive to the park and you’ve taken more turns.” 

you didn’t answer him for a moment, thinking over your next move. “it’s a surprise.”

“i hate surprises.” he repeats your old words back to you and it causes you to roll your eyes again. 

“ha ha, this is a good one though.” as you say that you begin pulling into the curbside of (one of) rossi’s house. 

it’s definitely a mansion. it’s surrounded by cobblestone ground and tall dark wooden doors at the front. the house is more tall then wide, sort of cottage like shape but a lot more elegant and expensive looking. 

you gulp slightly and text penelope to  _ quietly  _ open the front door. you get out of your car, gently guide spencer out of the passenger seat and hold his hands as he cautiously climbs the three cobblestone steps. 

“wait? is this-” you swiftly untie the knot behind his head and watch the scene unfold. 

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” everyone yelled at the same time. 

spencer violently flinched but then soon recovered with a vibrant laugh after seeing everyone’s faces. penelope had a two-layered square chocolate cake with white cream cheese frosting on top of it and many lit candles stuck in it. She was holding it steadily with the palms of her hands and began to sing happy birthday and everyone followed along. you were just standing there admiring everything happening around you. your favorite people, your family all in one place. surrounded by light and love instead of gruesome murder for once. the joy and excitement in spencer’s eyes was a sight for sore eyes. his cheeks were flushed and his goofy laughter filled the room as he walked over to the cake to blow out the candles. 

“make a wish, wonder boy” penelope gawks at him

he pauses, closing his eyes and bending down to blow the candles. everyone cheers for him and claps their hands, including yourself. 

“happy birthday  _ piccolo _ !” rossi cheers to him and clasps his shoulder. “welcome to my house,  _ mi a cara.  _ Thank you for bringing us all together.” rossi turns his attention to you and offers a grateful smile, one that you return. 

“this was your idea?” spencer looks at you adoringly. your lips glide between your lips and you smile bashfully. you go to answer but penelope interrupts you. 

“y/n! i missed you so much!” she pulls you into a somehow tighter hug then ever before. 

you start to get pulled away by everyone on the team, catching up with them and explaining how you’ve been. everyone was really waiting for you and spencer to get here, apparently he hasn’t celebrated his birthday in a while. you really are ready to get back to work, you miss everyone and doing what you love. morgan says that he reconnected with a girl called savannah and according to him, it looks promising. you’re fairly surprised that he is going to be giving up his “player” lifestyle, so she must be a keeper. you were so swept up by all the bubbling excitement that you didn’t even notice the kid that was standing next to hotch’s leg. 

“oh wow! you must be jack?” you crouch down and stare at the young boy with dirty blond short hair. he looks nothing like hotch to be honest, so he is probably more like his mom. 

he nods his head shyly and tries to disappear further behind his dad’s leg. hotch snickers from above you and ruffles jack’s hair. 

“hi! i’m y/n. i work with your dad.” you put your hand out for him to shake and he does which makes you smile. you like kids, your old job required you to work with them but your old job also made you never want your own. 

“do- do you also catch the bad guys?”

you smile at him and then at hotch, “yeah, i-i guess we do that.” jack smiles a little bit at your words. he clearly admires his dad a lot for his job which is pretty cool. you know that the BAU doesn’t allow for a lot of family time so you admire hotch for doing his best. “you know your dad works really hard. he loves you very much, you should be proud.” you gently poke his chest in good nature and jack giggles which makes you smile even more. 

“i am very proud of my daddy!” he lets out enthusiastically and hotch holds him closer. you stand up and glance behind you. you lock eyes with spencer and he looks like he wants to say something but he gets pulled away by derek. 

\------ 

rossi moves all of you to the backyard which is big with a floor of grass and tall bushes surrounding it. there is a cement patio that separates from the grass and it has a nice dining table as well as a bar. it’s stocked with expensive liquor and the whole place is decorated with fairy lights as well as some happy birthday streams on the patio doors. you watch spencer with a smile on your face as penelope talks your ear off, presumably about something that she had watched earlier that day. if you were being honest, you weren’t listening at all. all you were paying attention to was spencer. he was absolutely adorable, and seeing him so happy made your heart swell with joy. it was quite the sight, seeing him enjoy his night surrounded by the people he loves. 

“penelope, do you mind if i steal y/n for a minute?” rossi walked up to you two, shooting you a small smile. 

“oh, of course.” 

rossi put a hand on the small of your back, leading you off to the side. “you did well,  _ bella _ .” 

“thanks.”

“you’re good for him.” he smiled at you. “before he met you, he never would have been this social. it would have been hard to get him out of his apartment. but you’ve changed that.”

“oh, i-”

“i just wanted to thank you. you’ve really changed him, y/n.” 

he placed a small kiss on your cheek, and your heart warmed. you give him an appreciative smile and genuine thank you because you aren’t really sure how else to respond. 

you walked back over to penelope who was now also conversing with jj and emily and you joined in on their conversation. “what did rossi want by the way?” emily asks and then takes a sip of her (obviously) expensive wine. 

“nothing much, just telling me about dinner.” you shrug awkwardly. jj goes to speak but gets interrupted.

“oh! can we eat the cake first though? I reeallyyyy wanna try some.” penelope looks to you and gives you puppy eyes. 

“sure pen, let me just make sure it’s okay with the birthday boy first.” you give her arm an affectionate squeeze and wink at her before making your way over to spencer who is mid-conversation with derek. 

spencer is blushing, hard, and derek is laughing so he was definitely just getting teased. 

“hey.” you say smiling at the both of them. 

spencer looks at you and his face flushes with what looks like relief. “hi.” he faces you completely and you notice derek casually inch himself away from the both of you. 

“yeah so, penelope wants to eat the-” 

“i love you, too.” he interrupts you and you watch as his pupils dilate. 

you’re in shock, you honestly weren’t expecting to hear those words. you haven’t heard those words being  _ said  _ to you in god knows how long. that’s probably why they caught you off guard, you aren’t too sure what love looks like. 

your mouth opens and closes a few times, still trying to process. also he said “too” which furthers your confusion. 

“what-” 

“i love you. i heard you say in the car, on the way back from the hospital but i knew you weren’t ready. you were just in a traumatic event and i thought maybe you just felt vulnerable because i was with you when you needed someone the most but i heard you and i love you too. maybe- maybe it is still too soon but i jus-” 

“i do love you.” you cut him off and spoke clearly but softly at the same time. you had never been so sure about something in your life. you said them and now it’s real, very real. you’re still scared out of your mind though, somehow you’ve managed to find someone that you want to spend all day and night with and not go crazy. the thought that gnawed at you as your mental health leave was coming to an end, was how empty you would probably feel in your apartment with spencer gone back to his and life back to normal, always flying away for cases. you didn’t really know what life was going to look like for you now that you were wholeheartedly in love with your coworker but you guess that’s something you would have to figure out together. 

spencer let out a breath that he had probably been holding through his ramble. instead of answering you back, his hand goes to your lower back and pulls you flush against his chest. he presses his lips to yours and your mouth stumbles a bit in surprise but then you relax into his touch. you don’t know if it’s your imagination or not but it feels as if every other sound has disappeared and your brain feels completely empty. you bring your hands to his face as if to bring him closer and he lets out a soft moan into your mouth. the kiss ends almost as quickly as it began since you both are suddenly aware of your surroundings and that a child is present. 

“yayy oh my gosh!” you heard penelope squeal and she started clapping her hands. you jumped away from spencer’s hand on your lower back and felt your face get hot. “you guys missed it! they kissed and now thy’re in love!” penelope pouted and held your hand. you let out a piece of laughter of embarrassment but also relief that not everyone got to see your kiss. everybody stopped their conversations and turned to the both of you and smiled. 

“we know, babygirl.” derek announced and you saw spencer turn crimson and he pressed his lips into a thin line. both of you didn’t know what to say. 

“okay! let’s eat cake, please.” you changed the direction of the conversation and pleaded to penelope with your eyes that there was something else she could put her attention on. 

“yes, we can.” spencer walks past you and goes over to the table where the cake is set. you quickly follow him trying to avoid everything that just happened. the cake looks like it was hand frosted saying  _ “happy early birthday, boy genius!”  _ in pink icing. 

you look at the cake and giggle and spencer’s laugh follows yours, this was obviously penelope’s doing. everyone forms a small crowd around the table and you reluctantly hand spencer the knife. derek clasps spencer’s shoulder in a tight grip and you watch spencer put all his focus into creating even slices. His tongue darts out of his mouth as he begins to plate everything. 

rossi has you all migrate inside to his grand kitchen where you guys will be watching him make baked ziti. you all enjoyed your respective slices cake on rossi’s kitchen counter and the atmosphere was light and loving. you and spencer would steal looks from each other and hold back laughter, just because. because it's funny to you at least, that you're finally in love. 

\---- 

you ate two servings of the baked ziti, it was delicious. you couldn't believe that everyone else had had his food before and didn't indulge you on how delectable it was. everyone was sitting at the table, spencer sat himself next to you on your right and jj was on your left. sometime during the meal spencer’s hand reached for your in your lap and laced his fingers with yours. it made butterflies in your stomach but you tried not to show it too much. rossi told you all a lot of stories and jack indulged you in all his toys as well as his obsession with spiderman. 

it was starting to get late and hotch was the first to leave, jack obviously had a bedtime and he was going to his mom’s house the next day. hotch said he would let you babysit one day though, which you looked forward too more then you expected. you all said your goodbyes to them and thanked them for coming.

“oh and y/n, we will talk about this when you get back.” you gulped slightly but you weren't surprised, “but for now, congrats.” hotch gave you and spencer a gentle and caring smile before walking off holding jack’s hand in his. 

things eventually fully died down and everyone finished their food. you were honestly tired, and a little tipsy from rossi’s wine and scotch. penelope seemed like she could go all night, maybe because she was drunk. jj said her goodbyes and emily followed. derek eventually got garcia to surrender and drove her home. 

you and spencer helped rossi clean up, it was the least you could do after having him host this whole thing. plus you were falling in love with his home. 

“you're tired, let me drive you home.” spencer said with a warm smile. 

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N   
> yayy love confessionnn, next chapter will be smutty


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:oral sex, a little praiseeee, mommy kink, very slight over stimulation. though it starts with some seriousness mushhy

spencer forced you to sit in the passenger seat, you were so clearly fighting sleep but you didn’t a hundred percent want him to drive your car. then he went off on statistics about driving well exhausted and even though you weren’t drunk anymore it still was enough for you to give up your car keys. you sat in the passenger seat and spencer started your car. the gentle hum of the engine instantly put you to sleep as you nuzzled your cheek against the cool window. you faintly hear spencer snigger and feel him put his large hand on your thigh, rubbing soothing circles. the sound of traffic floats through your ears and soon you’re asleep. 

you feel spencer’s hand run up your arm and you stir awake. letting out a long yawn and rubbing your eyes. “i knew you were tired.” spencer says coyly. 

“what- i’m awake.” you retaliate as your eyes adjust to your surroundings, seeing that you’re back at your apartment building. 

spencer gets out of the car and you see him walk over to open the car door for you but you beat him to it, still trying to prove you weren’t just passed out. you stand up and stretch a little bit as you feel the cold air run over your body waking you up. spencer suddenly pulls you into a hug. a long one with his hands around your back and squeezing you against his warm chest. you pause for a second but soon return the embrace. your hands slowly run up and down his back and you lean your head against his shoulder feeling completely content being in his arms. you can feel the adoration radiating from the both of you, going back and forth like an electric current. your mind is blank and your body feels tranquil, so relaxed you fight the urge to put all your weight on him. 

“thank you.” he whispers into your hair. 

“you don’t have to thank me. after everything you’ve done for me, i wanted to do this for you.” 

“not just for this,” he lets go of his hold on you and you feel cold again. “for everything, for being you, for being special, for  _ finally  _ letting me love you.” his eyes search yours and you can’t help but feel tears form in your eyes. you swallow the lump in your throat, feeling wide awake now from what you just heard. you’ve never thought you were special, spencer was the total opposite in your eyes. he is extraordinary, you couldn’t help but question how incapable you must be next to him. he’s not only a genius in every sense of the word but he is also patient, kind, loving and stubborn as fuck, but the kind of stubborn that you loved. out of all people, why did you deserve his love?

“spencer, i’m not-” 

he cuts you off before you can deny anything, “y/n, loving you has been the hardest thing i’ve ever done. the way you make me feel surprises me. i’ve done thing, stupid little things just because- because i was, and am still, desperate to get to know you. maybe one day you’ll see yourself the way i do.” his eyes look into yours as if they are pleading for you to believe him and you think you do. you look into his and see no hesitation, no lack of authenticity. his words are raw and true, which is slightly terrifying but also relieving. you never knew love could be so unconditional. 

the tear starts to crawl down your cheek but you make no moves to wipe it away. you take a sharp inhale, trying to steady your shaky voice. “spencer reid, you are the most beautiful human, inside and out, and i’m so grateful and undeserving of your love.  _ your _ love is special. i love you so much, it’s fucking scary.” you try and keep your voice even and clear and it works for the most part. spencer’s face grows into a big smile with his eyes crinkling at the corners. the smile that makes you smile. he brings his face close to yours but he doesn’t kiss you, just hovering his nose and lips over yours. feeling his warm familiar breath fan over your face and contrast the cold air. 

“say it again.” he whispers into your mouth with his lips brushing against yours. 

your mouth opens as you’re about to fulfill his request but then you close it again with a small smug smile on your face. “no.” 

you didn’t stay long enough to see his reaction but you ran up to your apartment building’s front door and took out your keys. you tried to hold back laughter since it was so late and you didn’t want to disturb anyone but you couldn’t. you heard spencer right behind you but you were definitely faster than him. You swung the door open and skipped the elevator and went straight to the stairs. you didn’t bother to look back because you could hear his footsteps echo through the staircase. you somehow ran up three flights of stairs, laughing at your antics. spencer had definitely slowed down a few times which made you feel even better that you were getting away with this. his laughter rang through the hallways which was definitely bothering some poor old person but you both didn’t care. 

you got to your apartment door and struggled with your keys and spencer caught up with you right when you got the door unlocked. a small part of you wanted to be cruel and try and close the door on him but you couldn’t bring yourself to do it. 

as soon as he got into your apartment, spencer tightly grabbed your hips when you tried to run to your bedroom and pulled you into his arms, with your back against his chest. “you’re such a brat.” his tone was light but there was still an edge to them. 

his words only encouraged you, you were definitely trying to get him all riled up so that you could get some later. you tried to push away from him, leaning forward as much as you could and wiggling your hips so they could escape the clutches of his surprisingly strong arms. this only made him lift you up off the ground with his arms tight around your waist. 

“no fair!” you grunted out as you continued to struggle but slowly gave up. your dress had bunched up revealing your thighs and somewhere along the line, the alligator clip fell from your hair leaving your (h/c) hair loose at it’s (h/l). spencer just laughed at you as he dragged you to your bedroom and you continued to pout but your pettiness turned to excitement as he practically tossed you onto your bed. you sat up on the bed and tried to catch your breath. 

you felt your warm soft bed under you and you looked up at spencer with only the dim lighting from your living room illuminating him. you bit your lip as you look up at him expectantly. the way he was walking toward you was beginning to get you hot and bothered. he got onto the bed with his knees on both sides of your legs. causing you to prop up on your elbows as you automatically lowered yourself for him. your breathing became shallow and his face stayed flushed but his eyes never left yours. he leaned on his arms, bringing his face close to yours. you felt his warm breath from his pants and you decided to close the distance between the two of you, giving him a sweet kiss. 

the kiss was surprisingly gentle and it made you smile into his mouth. he parted his lips, allowing your tongue into his mouth and you could taste chocolate on his tongue. he shifted his knee between your legs, bunching up your dress even more. his pants were cool against your hot skin and it made you tense but he pushed your legs further apart. you got the hint and spread your legs and bent your knees so that he was in between them. you already felt his hardness begin to form on your inner thighs and you bucked your hips, earning a soft moan from him into your mouth. you moved your lips to his jaw and started to hungrily suck and nip at his skin, making things more heated. a small whimper fell from his mouth which encouraged you some more. your hands skipped over his chest and went straight for the button of his pants but as soon as you popped it open he tightly grabbed your wrist. 

you stopped your kissing, first scared that you had crossed a boundary but when you saw his face, his expression was coy. 

“do you remember the safe word we came up with?” he whispered to you in a dominant but caring tone. 

you rolled your eyes and nodded your head trying to retract from his grip but that only made it tighter. you whine and he chuckles, “i need to hear you say it, love” 

his new name for you made the throbbing sensation between your legs so intense it ached. you gulped before answering, “yes, it's rabbit.” your voice comes out hoarse. 

“good girl.” his head leans down and he whispers in your ear before sucking on your pulse point. you moan then gasp when his cold hands grab the warm flesh of your thighs and swiftly pull you on top of him so that you straddle his waist. 

“i think i can find a better way to say thank you…” he mumbles, “strip.” 

you bite the inside of your cheek as you hastily unbutton your cardigan. you don't hesitate to throw it somewhere on the floor before pulling your dress over head. you aren't wearing a bra because it wouldn't have worked with your dress and your nipples are already perked from the cold air. you toss the dress aimlessly, leaving you in your black underwear. 

“no bra?” he quirks his brow as you roll your eyes, ignoring his comment by reaching for the hem of his sweater and beginning to tug it off of him. he helps you and pulls it off of himself, shaking his brown hair out of his face. 

you begin to unbutton his dress shirt with your bottom lip between your teeth as you glide your hips down to his pelvis. your clothed clit made contact with his prominent bulge and you whimpered. he pulled his shirt off of his body and revealed his lean torso to you. your nails instinctively griped into his chest when you tried to start and rock your hips. spencer held back a groan and quickly placed his hands on your hips, stopping you from moving. 

“please…” you breathed out and pouted innocently. 

“as much as i want to be inside you, i want to try something first.” he tugged your hips up so that there was space between your bodies. your face contorted into confusion as he scooted himself down and simultaneously pulled your thighs forward so that your knees were on both sides of his shoulders. 

“umm wha-” 

“sit.” 

you let out a laugh, like full blown laughter. he was asking you to sit on his face? he couldn't mean literally, right? you felt him let out a large breath between your thighs that slightly tickled. suddenly, his arms hooked around your thighs and he forced them down which automatically made your knees spread apart. you still held your weight off of him. 

_ oh, okay. this is happening _

you nervously gulped because you have never done this before,you weren't exactly sure how it worked. he couldn't see you but he could tell he had you flustered. your eyes were wide as you felt one of his arms leave your thighs and move your underwear to the side. revealing your wet slit to him. he softly blew onto your inner thighs and you shivered from the cool air. he left sloppy kisses right on the side of your soaking pussy, just when you thought he would bring his mouth to where you needed him, he just started sucking in the skin in the other side. his kisses felt nice but you were starting to get frustrated, he was obviously taking his sweet time. 

“touch me, please. touch me doctor.” 

you knew he liked when you called him that. you felt his tongue slip right into your entrance and your jaw went slack. you gripped the headboard for support as you squirmed from the feeling. the sensation of his tongue moving in and out of you was unfamiliar but very pleasurable. you were so sensitive and your whole lower half felt on fire from the new feeling. he gripped his arms back around your thighs, keeping you steady before he put his tongue fully inside you and began to wiggle it against your sensitive spot with his nose rubbing your clit. 

“holy sh-shit!” 

you gasped and you began to let out pornstar moans. your face scrunched in pleasure and both your hands tightly held onto the wooden headboard. everything felt so perfect, so good all over your body. the only thing you wanted was to be able to see his face, but having them buried between your thighs was wonderful. he continued to rub his nose into your sensitive clit as he perfectly ate you out with his tongue masterfully. he moaned and sent a vibration through your body that caused you to let out a high pitched mewl. you felt yourself getting close and his hands left your thighs which allowed you to gently roll yourself against his mouth and chin. his tongue left your mouth which made you whine but then you felt his finger tease your slit. 

“you got so wet.” he panted as he pushed his middle finger inside you. your pussy clenched around his fingers in response and you bit your lip as you ached slightly while adjusting to the shear size of his finger. 

he paused for a moment before pulling out and cautiously adding his other finger. he wanted to be careful with you, make sure you felt safe and comfortable. you honestly weren't thinking of anything besides how good he felt and you showed no signs of being uncomfortable so he began to slowly move his fingers in and out of you. he thrusted his slender digits and curled them on your g-spot. it felt so good that no sound came out. your eyes squeezed closed and you bit your lip so hard you definitely cut it. 

his thrust became faster and he started to suck and moan on your clit, occasionally his teeth would graze them and before you knew it you were spasming around his fingers. you threw your head back and let out strained groans of pleasure. you felt hot euphoria course through your blood and your whole body pulsed with delight. your toes curled and everything shuddered as you started to come down from your high. 

he slowed down his pace but continued to lap his tongue on your overstimulated nerves which caused you to squirm and whine. 

you shakily moved your legs from beside his face and tried to use your arms to support you in your journey down onto the mattress. you kept your eyes closed, still feeling light headed. you finally fluttered your eyes open and saw spencer wipe your silky cum off of his fingers with his tongue as well as the wetness on his chin. the sight itself turned you on but you also pouted. 

“i wanted to do that.” you grumbled. 

you liked having his fingers in your mouth, and you honestly wished it happened more often. he has very nice hands that made your body feel amazing things. 

“next time.” he chuckled and you smiled before you brought yourself closer to him. you placed a chaste kiss on his lips before going back for more. his hands went on your lower back and pulled you closer. you tasted yourself on him and moaned as his tongue rubbed against your bottom lip. you tangled your hand in his hair and pressed your bare chest against his. 

his hand went to your breast and he began to gently squeeze. rubbing your nipple with his thumb and you took in a sharp breath from the feeling. your hands moved from his hair, down his heaving chest to the waistband of his pants. you slid your hand onto his underwear but you already feel a large wet spot. you pull away from him and give him a questionable look. 

even in the obscure lighting, you can tell he is blushing. “sorry, i-i uh couldn't help myself.” 

the fact that he came from pleasuring you made you feel a certain type of why. your tongue poked into your inner cheek as you thought for a moment. “i think you can give me another one.” 

your hand was still in his pants and you felt him harden again from your tone. “wh-what.” his eyes widened for a second with confusion but then you began to place sloppy kisses on his neck. 

“you're going to cum again for me, baby boy.” 

you felt him gulp, his adam's apple bobbed but he was now fully erect again and you began to kiss along his collar bones. “i’m going to need to hear you say it.” you mumbled.

“yes, mommy. i’ll cum for you.” he whimpered. he sounded unsure but he was obviously excited. the pet name drove you crazy, it made you feel powerful. he was completely putty in your hands now.

he shifted his position so that he was now flat on his back and you slightly hovered over him as you began to kiss all over his stomach. his ab muscles would tense up when you began to leave hickeys. you bit slightly at his soft skin and he let out a soft moan as you tugged his pants down all the way. you palmed your hand lightly over his dick as he cursed under his breath from how sensitive he already was. you bit your lip as you hooked your index finger around his underwear band and pulled them down. his hard cock snapped up and you put your fingers in your mouth, coating them in spit before you started pumping up and down his length. you swiped your thumb on the underside of his tip and felt him twitch against you. 

he released a semi high pitched groan of pleasure as you continued to touch him. you took your eyes to his and he made eye contact with you. his face looked desperate and filled with longing. 

“m-mommy, can i have your mouth, p-please?” he whined and you smirked, slowing down the movements of your hand. 

“of course, you did so good for me, baby.” you swiped your lips with your tongue and spit slightly on his tip before fully placing him in your mouth. you slowly glided down his shaft as you kept eye contact, watching his brows furrowed like his mind was being blown. 

you didn't bother teasing and began to move your head up and down, swirling your tongue around his tip mercilessly. many moans and cries escaped his throat and you moaned into his cock, feeling it pulse in your mouth. eventually his hand went to your hair and he slightly pushed himself further into your mouth. explicatives fell from his lips as you swallowed around his dick, tightening and gagging around him. you felt his dick begin to twitch in the back of your throat and you pulled your mouth off of him. his hand resisted at first and he whined but he soon let you go. spit dribbled down your chin and on his throbbing cock as you went back to pumping him up and down, painfully slow. he bit the inside of his cheek as he practically begged you with his eyes to put him back inside your throat. 

“you’re so close…” you whispered condescendingly and then kissed his tip. he hissed and you bit your lip in amusement. 

“i want you to thank me, when you finish.” he eagerly nodded to show he understood and once you got your answer you wrapped your mouth back around his dick. you hallowed out your cheeks, sucking and swallowing around his dick. moaning into him and being purposefully aggressive with his cock, trying to coax him into his orgasm faster. 

“thank you, mommy!” he moaned and cried out, his dick twitched and soon another load of cum sputtered out of him and went down your throat. you softened your movements as you swallowed all of his salty liquid. you finally took him out of your mouth, giving his poor cock a break. 

\----

spencer’s eyes were still closed and his forehead was coated with a thin layer of sweat. he was panting still trying to calm down. you maneuvered yourself next to him and laid beside him with a small smile on your face. you gently brought your hand to his cheek and gave him a soft kiss on his forehead. you felt him smile under your sweet touch and it warmed your heart. 

“you did so good for me.” you whispered and gave his cheek a chaste kiss. he just hummed in agreement. 

“we should shower.” you were suddenly aware of the total mess that you were and the scent of lust in the air. you got off the bed and pulled off spencer’s pants that were hanging on his ankles as well as his underwear and socks. you shimmied off your underwear and then walked to the side of the bed where you put your hand out for spencer to take. he reluctantly held your hand and you both grunted as you pulled him up off of the bed. 

you practically are dragging him to the bathroom, turning on the water and letting it warm up while finding towels. you peed and once the water was warm enough, you stepped in, bringing spencer in along with you and putting him under the stream of water first. 

you looked up at him and he locked his beautiful puppy eyes with yours. “i love you.” you said with a small giggle. he small chuckles fell from his mouth and he brought his hands to your hips, bringing you closer. you both were now fully immersed in the warm water and you felt it run down your face and all of your body. your eyes fluttered closed to avoid getting water in your eyes but spencer brought his lips to yours and gave you a soft kiss. 

you put your hands on his shoulders for balance and you could feel the water dripping from his hair fall on you. you wiped his brown locks away from his face before stepping away slightly to breathe. 

“i love you, too.” he spoke over the sound of the shower stream. 

“still surprises me…” you mumbled under your breath more to yourself but he still heard. 

“yeah well i’m surprised you said it first.” 

“i didn’t, not on purpose!” your voice went up an octave from embarrassment. 

_ he really caught us lacking like that.  _

“well you still said it. i’m selfishly glad you did.” he simpered with his face flushed. 

butterflies erupted in your stomach as you felt how good everything was in this moment. you not only felt loved, you felt cared for, held, seen. you were more then satisfied with everything right now and you wished you could bathe in this moment forever. 

you both got around to doing your respective shower routines. spencer had brought some of his toiletries over so that he could continue to smell like himself. you were internally grateful for how stingy he was about hygiene so that you could be wrapped up in his scent all day. 

now that you and spencer were clean and rid of the sex on you, you and him stepped out of the shower and truned it off. you both dried off and you put on a large shirt and underwear to sleep in. spencer put on a shirt and sweatpants and you and spencer went back into the bathroom to brush your teeth. 

your drowsiness caught up with you when you finished your night routine. your feet shuffled to the bed and you flopped down with all your weight as your eyelids felt like they were being dragged shut. spencer watched you scramble with the bedsheets as you started to get agitated from trying to get comfortable. 

spencer pursed his lips as he held back a laugh and got himself into the bed next to you. his arms went straight to your waist, wrapping around you and bringing you close. you curled your knees inwards and tucked yourself against his chest. you placed your hand over his that was on your stomach and you felt him kiss your nape. you took in a deep breath savouring his body heat. he somehow managed to pull you closer and he took in your sweet smell as you both drifted off to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N oooo yeah i got rlly bold here lol


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TIME SKIP TO MID NOVEMBER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: made up case, depictions of kidnapping and necrophilia

you had officially completed your first few cases since you got back. well, the most recent one more then the first. even though you passed your psych eval pretty well, hotch was practically punishing you with paperwork. forcing you to stay out of the field by making you stay at precincts. you tried to (respectfully) fight him on it but spencer only backed him up which made things a loss cause. once you finished your psych eval, you had to make a statement which also involved a cognitive interview. it was definitely triggering and this time you didn't have spencer to come save you but you pushed through. morgan was the one conducting the interview and he tried his best to make you felt safe. hotch also told you that owen had been arrested and his sentence was extended basically to the end of his life because this was his second time. for some reason, there was still this small part of you that pitied him. he was the same poor kid that you knew in highschool but you were also absolutely terrified of anyone who looked remotely like him so that was a stronger force.

spencer was back at his own place once you went back. it was bittersweet,- well mostly bitter- you started having nightmares again but you didn't want to bring it up to anyone, especially not him. they came back full force the first night you slept alone. they were vivid and led to a lot of breakdowns in the middle of the night. it was like you were being haunted. your apartment felt extra cold without him there in the morning but you needed to regrow some independence. you've listened to _a lot_ of music to keep your mind and space occupied, it helped with the nightmares too. you could tell spencer missed you too somewhat but you brushed him off, saying "we see eachother at work" though you both knew it was not the same. you felt too much like a burden right now and you also didn't want to see his face when he found out you had been keeping things from him. you noticed the nightmares were worse if you felt stressed. so basically the worse the case was, the worse the nightmare. sometimes you threw yourself into work as much as you could so that you could focus on something else and it worked but obviously you couldn't do that in peace. it was painfully obvious there was something that you were avoiding but no one was going to keep you from working.

other than that, you felt pretty good. when it was spencer's actual birthday you carpooled with him to work since he would usually take the metro- which made no sense when he literally has a car- but you bought him half a dozen of chocolate sprinkled donuts that he absolutely devoured on the drive there. guess he didn't plan on sharing them with anyone else.

spencer also insisted that halloween went on longer then october 31, his apartment would stay decorated till thanksgiving. you helped him decorate his apartment with all types of pumpkin and black cat stuff that wasn't even "spooky" because he is terrified of monsters. can't imagine that they're worse than the ones you all have to see on a daily basis. on actual halloween day, there was a case but hotch had you stay behind in the office with penelope like you had on your first days at the job when you hadn't taken your field exam yet. he also let you take jack trick-o-treating because he couldn't be there and he didn't say so but you could tell he didn't want to hear it from his wife why he couldn't takes day off to give his son the halloween he deserved. you like to think you gave jack a good time, you certainly did. your costume was basic but you weren't exactly given a lot of time to prepare. you just straightened your hair and put on gray mouse ears on your head with a black babydoll dress and gray thigh high socks with mary jane shoes. jack had dressed up as spiderman and you took a lot of pictures and sent them to hotch to show him that he was having a good time and that he shouldn't worry. he got a lot of candy in his system and you were old compared to him. you loved hanging out with him but you were definitely ready to collapse onto your warm couch with pajamas, so you didn't hesitate to hand him over to the nanny.

you also took some pictures of your outfit and sent them to spencer. mostly to make him jealous that he couldn't celebrate halloween on the day but his response was unmistakingly flirty. you sent the message innocently. however, the conversation nearly took a turn but you had to leave but he said you would be in for it when he got back.

and in for it you so were.

you ended up cumming so hard on his kitchen counter that there were scratches on his back and biceps. he left you with relentless hickies on your neck that you had to wear a turtleneck to work that led to all types of badgering from your team for a whole week.

\----

"okay guys," jj walked in with a heavy, deep serious breath and you already had a bad feeling in your stomach, "this one's intense."

you guys had gotten called in late in the night at around 10:00, right after coming home from doing paperwork. spencer had actually just come over and you guys were right on the verge of sleep, well more him then you, the reason he was over in the first place was because he was suspicious that you hadn't been sleeping enough. he didn't come right out and say it but he was really pushing it and it was obvious he wanted to keep an eye on you. in a weird way, the call was from the grace of whatever god that was keeping you from confronting any personal issues but also when you heard hotch's voice over the phone you were filled with dread. you didn't have time for concealer this time, your eyelids felt so heavy but hopefully the two cups of coffee you had downed would kick in at every second. no one questioned your exhaustion this time though because it looked like everyone else was just about to go to bed.

"carrie simmons, alexis wilson and maria smith. all between the ages of five and seven have gone missing in tarpon springs, florida." jj drops files in front of you while garcia pulls up photos into the screen. all of them are school photos and there's only one body which means the other two are still missing.

they look so pure, blissfully ignorant. you know you have to ask, but you're scared to. you all are. the young girl's body is sprawled out on the forest dirt carelessly, as if he just threw her. this is obviously a he, no woman could dehumanize a little girl like that.

"carrie simmons was found a week ago after being missing for three months, she's been dead for about two months. strangled by rope. the other two victims went missing about a month ago."

 _victims._ that word could be infuriating sometimes but it's necessary that we separate ourselves so we don't get too involved. _gosh, this never gets easier._

tarpon springs is a really small town and we don't deal with missing child cases except for really rare exceptions, according to hotch. that still doesn't stop the small frustration you feel, wishing they called you when the first girl went missing instead of waiting for a body.

"how do we know this is the same guy?" morgan looks up at jj and asks. "all the victims look different."

true, they all have different features. carrie has blond hair and blue eyes, alexis has brown hair and green eyes but maria is hispanic with dark hair and dark eyes. "well, the town is really small and the detective who called says they have a hunch." jj answers with a small shrug.

spencer must've noticed your silence and distress. his hand creeps up to your knee and he rubs circles on your pants with his thumb. his touch brings you back to earth, grounding you. a sheepish but pitiful smile falls on your lips to show you appreciate his comfort and he gives you a small squeeze without looking at you to show he notices.

"were there signs of sexual assault?" you finally choke out. "yes, there's bruising and also traces amount of semen from different occasions, most are after she died." jj's voice goes quiet slightly as if she can't believe that she has to say those words.

your gut wrenches and you are hit with waves of nausea. you would've thrown up if there was something in your stomach. suddenly, the victim's photo felt so much more fucked that you had to close your eyes. you felt so violated and this wasn't even about you. you saw everyone else's faces cringe as well, even hotch.

"jesus..." prentiss muttered under her breath. spencer's grip on your knee went tight for a few moments from shock but you didn't mind. jj continued on with her briefing, giving more info on the state of the victims and you all made your way to the jet with your go bags.

\----

the air in florida is hot and sticky. it's too humid for your liking, especially for fall. Whether like this was enough for you all to break the dress code, even hotch. he was in a navy blue polo shirt, prentiss was wearing a red tanktop and you had on a loose gray shirt. this weather should be illegal in the fall.

hotch sent spencer and rossi to the dump site and the morgue to see the poor girls body, jj and morgan went to talk to the families and he had you and prentiss stay at the precinct and talk with the local detective that had called us in as well as the local PD. it was obvious to everyone that hotch didn't want you to see the families or the dump site, he didn't really have to say anything and you didn't protest. It's not like you could stomach that. spencer's hand was always on you, whether it was your hand, your lower back or your thigh. he always made sure you knew he was right there from the flight on the jet and the drive to the precinct. he was hesitant leaving you at the police station but you told him you were a grown woman who knew how to do her job.

"the night that the victims went missing, the parents have said they were at anderson park a few hours and or sometime during the week prior." detective withers tells you. so it's obvious to all of you, he is watching these girls when they go to the park, picking them out and stalking them until he builds up the "courage" to kidnap them.

"this town is small. half the kids that live in the area spend time there." you say sounding slightly defeated.

"yeah and the victims are all different." emily chimes in.

"everyone here has crossed paths which makes it difficult to narrow down." hotch says before the three of you hear a buzz coming from his pants. "hotchner." you hear a female voice, jj's on the other side for a few moments and then hotch hangs up. "jj is going to talk to the press to warn parents with daughters not to go to any parks. all the girls' parents described them as very extroverted, they had a lot of friends which could make finding this man much harder considering the amount of men we might have to search through."

" you think he's a parent?" prentiss asks.

"maybe actually. no one has reported anyone suspicious because it isn't out of ordinary for him to be at a park." you answer her with your own revelation.

"let's wait to hear from reid and rossi on the geo profile and autopsy report."

\----

after a few hours, spencer and rossi are back with the geo profile as well as some more information on the girls corps. "he's definitely keeping them somewhere on the outskirts of town, near that forest. north east of it specifically." spencer says.

"the victim was probably kept in a crouched space, in the basement or something away from light. her spine showed signs of restricted movement and growth. she was tied up on and off, multiple ligature marks from different occasions." rossi explains to all of you. the whole team is back at the precinct and pulling everything together. jj and morgan also said that the parents didn't have any information or seen a man try to talk to their kids at the park. they all said that they only saw their daughters playing with other children. none of them remember the other girls crossing paths.

"so he has another house, he obviously doesn't live there though since he seems to be at this park often." you say sounding slightly more frustrated than you mean to. the palm of your hand drags down your face as you take in a deep breath.

you guys know you don't have much time. alexis might be dead already and who knows what state maria will be in when and if they find her.

suddenly you guys hear the door burst open. you turn around and see a man struggling and grunting with a police officer who is trying to stop him with a grip on the man's shoulder. you all collectively bring your attention to him. his eyes are red and his face is in a deep scowl. he looks like he hasn't slept in ages.

"is that what's going to happen to my daughter!?" the man yells between heavy pants. he points to the photo of carrie on the board and jj instantly takes it off the thumb tack.

he's white so you suspect it must be mr. wilson. your the first one to get up and walk over to him. "mr. wilson, please you don't need to see this." he must have come here after jj and morgan's visit. his wife left him because he was so distraught. he is probably pissed because you guys didn't come to help sooner and you were right there with him.

he looks down at you and he seems destroyed inside. you feel awfully guilty. "answer me!" he yells at you and you flinch but quickly recover.

"we don't know. we- we're trying okay? the man-"

"just please tell me where she is." he sounds more desperate than furious. his eyes water and soon there are soft sobs coming from him. "i- i know the statistics-"

"we will find her, i promise." that was honestly a stupid thing for you to say, in all honestly, she was probably dead. you regretted it right after you said it but how could you take it back? you put your hand cautiously on the man's shoulder and squeezed gently. as you comforted him, you felt your guilt growing, how could you promise such a thing and you could feel everyone's eyes burning into you. telling you that you just messed up.

"jj how does he know about the state of the victims?" hotch asks her gruffly.

"i- i don't know, all i said was for parents of girls to avoid going to the park." she defends herself and you all believe her. sometimes information gets out and it just makes so much mess at times.

after his meltdown, hotch takes over and walks him out of the room to talk. spencer comes up to you and wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you into a tight relaxing hug. your body loosens but your mind is still buzzing. you reciprocate the hug with your hands around his shoulders and you try to focus on his scent to calm down. no one said anything but to you spencer's hug said everything. it was filled with empathy and also pity. as if he knew something you didn't. hotch comes back into the work room, he makes strong eye contact with you before turning to everyone and telling them to get back to work. you guys have two leads so far so you call garcia to hopefully come up with some list.

"hey, babygirl. you're in speaker so behave." morgan says into the speaker of his phone.

"when have i ever." she says and you can hear the playful eye roll through his cell. "okay. what do you beautiful people need?"

"garcia, can you find white males, possibly with children who own a second house north of town." spencer speaks into the phone. while everyone's eyes are focusing on talking to penelope, his hands are on your lower back. his warm touch is soothing and your breath begins to even out a little bit more.

"errr that's a loonggg list wonder boy." you hear her furious typing. "anything else?"

"we don't have much more." hotch mutters mostly to the team and then directs his next sentence to penelope, "garcia, hold onto that list and update us if you find anything else."

"will do, sir. is there anything else i can do?" her voice sounds sad which makes you sad. she wishes there was more she could help with.

"nothing over the phone." morgan flirts and signals the end of the call.

"ooh you are in for it when you get back. see you later lovies!" you hear the familiar sound of the phone being hung up and morgan clicks his phone shut. you a let out a slightly depressing sigh and make eyes at each other.

"do you guys think he's using his kid?" you suddenly speak up.

"how?" prentiss asks you.

"well i have a theory that he's using his kid to not exactly lure them but just to pick them. the child might just be playing with them, not knowing what they're doing. probably thinks his dad just wants him to make friends. maybe the kids give each other information innocently and the father hears this and uses it. then he could be following them, learning their routines before taking them." you shrug after your long statement.

they nod their heads slightly and spencer's hand shifts to your waist and gives you an encouraging squeeze. you smile internally, grateful that he's there.

"okay, well he definitely doesn't have a daughter if he's doing this, or at least one that he's close enough with. he must have a son." morgans says following along with your trail.

"do you think he's still married?" spencer asks.

"possibly, but the wife is clearly not satisfying his needs. they probably divorced a while ago, that might be what allows him to take his kid to the park so often." prentiss shrugs and hotch nods his head at all of you.

"good work guys, we will pick this up tomorrow. go get some rest." noticing that you guys probably won't have any more information to give for much longer. you all will probably have garcia narrow the list a bit with divorce records or single fathers of sons but for now you needed sleep.

"agent y/l/n?" hotch catches you as you pick up your purse. everyone turns for a split second, looking back at you sympathetically.

"yes, hotch."

"i appreciate what you tried to do with the father but we don't make promises like that to the victim's family."

"i'm sorry sir but he just looked so scared and- and he needed something to hold onto. i've seen that look so many times-"

"i understand that but that hope will probably be crushed. just don't let it happen again, we've all made this mistake at one point." his voice is stern but also caring. his tone implies the conversation is over and you curtly nod your head in shame and grab your stuff to meet the rest of your team outside.

spencer was waiting outside of the room for you and he offers you a small smile. "let's go get you some sleep. i can tell you're exhausted, you have been for a while." his hands go to your back and guide you out of the precinct.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N
> 
> ANOTHER CHAPTER WILL BE OUT TOMMOROW. also someone help me, every time i write i get so carried away eye- 
> 
> next chapter is smutty and fluffy at the same time, if that makes sense?? and then the one after that will be the case again.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: smut, dom drop

you appreciated all that spencer had done that day, especially him telling you to go back to the hotel with him, but it wasn’t like you were about to get any rest. your mind was busy thinking of what could happen and when you were all in your SUV’s heading the hotel spencer kept a loving hand over yours. his thumb drawing small circles onto your knuckles. you all get checked into your small hotel rooms and go your separate ways on the same floor. 

you close the door behind you and drop your go bag on the floor. you rub the nape of your neck trying to relieve tension and crane your head back with your eyes close. you kick off your shoes by the door and pull off your gun holster, dropping it on the small night table. you fall onto the bed and take your shirt off, aimlessly tossing it on to the floor and lay down in your bra and pants. the silence is deafening. no indistinct chatter, or the purr of an old coffee machine. just your ears ringing and your thoughts running rampant. you roll over onto your stomach and rub your face into the comforter trying to wipe the images from your mind. this must be it. morgan had told you a while ago, you all had  _ the _ case, one case that would haunt you forever. he had it, hotch had it, spencer had it and even rossi had it decades ago. spencer told you about his, how it involved his hometown, his dad, mom and a friend he had called riley. at one point he was convinced that his dad was a killer. another case he had was an unsub who also had DID which he felt like a failure sometimes because of it, he couldn’t save him, again. you tried to remind spencer during his insecure moments how great he is. how talented, smart and selfless of a human being he was. he’s never failed anyone but here you were, feeling like a failure. 

you couldn’t take it anymore, you sat up and walked to the mini fridge tucked between cabinets. you open it and scan the mini bottles of strong liquor. you grab a tequila bottle and take out a water for some sort of “balance” though you’ve barely eaten. technically, this is probably breaking some rule of sobriety but you don’t really give a shit. before you can get to it, you hear a knock on the door. your heart skips a beat. the knock belongs to spencer, you’ve already recognized it so you shamelessly shove the liquor away and open the hotel room door. 

you give him asad smile through the crook of the door since you’re still topless. “hi.” you hold longing eye contact with him. suddenly filled with yearning, you miss him a lot. in a different way that you can’t explain. seeing him at work honestly is not enough. for someone with commitment issues you sure as hell are clingy, but you never show it. 

“hey.” he shifts back and forth on the heel of his foot, “can i come in?” his beautiful adoring eyes looking into yours. 

_ as if you have to ask,  _ you quickly open the door for him and step away. you guys have poured your hearts out to each other, so why were you feeling so shy? the energy was different, maybe because there have been things you haven’t been telling, not  _ really  _ telling him anyway. you sit on the bed and spencer suddenly realizes you’re in your bra and his face blushes. which makes you feel all warm inside. your mind starts to feel empty as he stares at you, his eyes were like a sea of bliss that pulled you under their tide whenever you looked directly at them. 

“oh - uh- s-sorry i-” his head turns to the side after he realizes that he was staring and he rubs the back of his head in embarrassment. it was cute how you still made him nervous somehow after all this time but it also seemed like you were the only one he could be totally comfortable with. 

“spencer, you’ve seen me naked before.” you chuckle nervously, feeling your own ears get hot. 

he fully faces you know with a clever glint in his eyes. he eyes you up and down; your leaning back on your elbows and your leg is crossed over the other, indirectly accentuating your hips. he smirks and takes a small stride to the bed and sits next to you gently. your breath hitches from his sudden closeness and he takes notice but doesn’t say anything. his eyes scan you again, slower this time which makes you nervous. he takes you in completely before meeting your eye line. 

“yeah well, you’re just as beautiful everytime.” he says with a sweet and cheesy grin.

you can’t help but scoff, “okay, calm down loverboy.” 

“it’s the truth” he says softly, his hand reaches your cheek and he leans down giving you a tender kiss. 

suddenly everything you were feeling moments ago washes away. all that darkness is replaced by the warmth that spencer brings to your heart. you kiss him back just as soft before pulling away. “why are you here?” genuinely curious because he looked tired earlier. 

his hand drops into his lap and he goes shy breaking eye contact. “i wanted to make sure you got to sleep so i thought i’d join you. also i missed you.” he shrugs and you watch as he gets comfortable, tugging the knot of his tie and shoving his shoes off with his feet. 

“we  _ just _ saw each other.” you laugh softly at his adorable behaviour. 

“still.” he says shrugging once again. 

“yeah, i know. same.” he clearly knew exactly what you meant because all he does is nod. 

you shift yourself further to the center of the bed and lay flat on your back, letting out a deep exhale. you try to focus on spencer’s presence again but the beat of silence is enough to let your thoughts take over again. spencer notices and lies next to you and props himself up on his elbows. 

“you’re tense,” he says matter-of-factly. 

“pshhh, no shit” you bring your hand to your forehead and rub along your brow bone, feeling tension build around it. you tightly shut your eyes as you feel a headache begin. 

“you know, you can’t go to bed like this. i think i have to wear you out first.” his tone is suddenly seductive and your eyes flutter open. his warm calloused hand gently glides along your collarbone. you get goosebumps all over instantly, despite the tropical heat. his eyes are now focused on your breasts and he chuckles from you shiver. the soft glow of the lamp is illuminating both your faces and his soft touch trails sensually up the column of your throat, causing you to gulp. 

“are- aren’t you tired?” you stutter slightly, feeling extra timid from his intense gaze. 

“never, not for you.” 

your breath hitches again. his words make you feel fuzzy inside but in your head you feel guilty. you don’t want to use him, you feel like you don’t deserve to have your worries taken away. you don’t know when all this self loathing started but you don’t feel like enough. you don’t like the idea of spencer disposing himself to you whenever you’re having a hard time. 

“spencer- i don’t want to use you.” your voice is small and spencer’s movements come to a halt. “y/n, you could never use me, i’d be happy to be what you need. it’s better than you turning to the bottle.” he looks you right in the eye and gives you a small, sad smirk. 

his last statement causes you to sit up slightly, “how do you-” 

“i’m a profiler, y/n,” his mouth opens again, there’s something else he wants to say, 

“what is it?”

“i had a friend, elle, she- she left but we were really close.” his eyes get a little glossy and he breaks eye contact with you. 

“what happened to her?” 

“she killed an unsub who attacked her, claiming it was self defense but she got caught.” 

_ unfortunately,  _ you think,  _ whoever did it must have deserved it _ . 

“before it happened, i watched her change, she was closed off and reckless. i tried to reach out to her but she was so distant, apathetic. i wish i had helped her before she went off the rails but- but i was too late. i’ve noticed you’ve been acting somewhat similar, not as extreme but i’d like to help someone i love before it’s too late.” his voice is serious and almost like he’s warning you. 

your face is pensive thinking about how much he cares about you,  __ you feel another strike of guilt. that spencer might be worrying about you. you don’t want him to be, he already has so much on his mind. 

you lift the hand by your side and place it on spencer’s cheek, gently rubbing your thumb on his cheekbones. “knowing you, spencer reid, you did all you could. you can’t give help to someone who doesn’t want it.” you shrug a little bit because your words are true and he nods in agreement. 

“i know but still-”

“stop. no “buts”, okay?” you place your other hand on the opposite cheek so that you're cupping his face and forcing him to look at you. 

he nods again, not fully believing you but not wanting to press you further. you both let out a small piece of laughter trying to lighten the mood. 

“so... did you try to fuck her, too?” 

“ _ no,”  _ his eyes widen with a small panic that turned into more laughter, “i was- different, then. She would never go for me. she was kind of intimidating.” 

“she sounds hot.” your words are bold, purposefully trying to get a feeling other than self-pity out of him. 

“wow.” is all he can seem to say, “i pour my heart out to you and you hit on my old best friend?” 

“sorry! don’t worry, you’re pretty hot too.” 

“i’m hot huh?” his hands go to your waist and you instinctively turn to the side so your body is fully facing his. your prop yourself up on your elbows as his hand glides along the curve of your waist and hips, giving you goosebumps down your spine. you bite your lip and nod you head at him. you’re hit by a new level of shyness when his hand reaches your bra clasp and he grazes his finger along it. 

“you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, i’m okay to just lay down.” he asks you with a shallow breath, though his eyes say otherwise. you can see the bulge form in his pants as his fingers make moves to unhook your bra. 

“i- i want to.” 

his demeanor immediately changes after you give him the answer he needs to continue. he smoothly unhooks your bra and slowly but forcefully pushes you onto your back with his hands on your shoulders. he swings his legs over you so that your waist in between his knees, pinning you down with his hands on your shoulders. he has a playful smile from the wide-eyed expression on your face. his actions caught you off guard and you were still tense under him. he slides your bra straps off of your arms and tosses it onto the floor. his hands cup the underside of your breast, causing your back to arch and your nipples perk up from sensitivity. you feel the wetness form between your legs and you clench your thighs together. your hand goes to his belt and you try to unbuckle it but suddenly his hand leaves your breast and tightly grasps your wrist. 

spencer lets out a taunting chuckle at your neediness, “i think i’ve let you be in charge  _ way _ too often.” 

you pout and try to pull your hand from his grip but he only tightens it. “be patient, brat.” his breath is shallow and his words have a bite to them.

you roll your eyes, wondering how far you can push him. “fine. i won’t touch you then.” you scowl as if his words didn't go straight to your core. 

“good. otherwise i won't hesitate to tie you up.” 

you gulp and suddenly your mind is blank. you feel yourself shudder and more arousal throbs between your legs. you decide not to respond but a part of you wants to see what happens if you push him enough and completely relinquish your control. 

he drops your hand and you leave it by your side as you watch hold your waist, admiring you. “you're so beautiful.” he whispers so low that it sounded like he didn't mean for you to hear. your ears burn and you give him a small crooked smile. 

he finally leans down and brushes his lips against your cheek, his soft breath fanning you. he is obviously being a tease and you're growing frustrated. he skips your lips and goes straight to your pulse point where he begins to nip and suck. his head dips down to the valley of your breasts, continuing to mark you in a place that isn’t visible for once. your hand tangles in his hair when he starts to kiss around your hardened nipples, you let out a small mewl when he begins to swirl his tongue around one but it still isn’t enough. 

“can you hurry up.” you groan, squirming your hips trying to find some release. his lips feel nice on your chest but they would be better somewhere else. “i want to  _ feel _ you, please.” you try to sound less demanding, hoping he’ll hear your desperation and he does but ignores it. you feel him smirk against your skin and let out a small chuckle as he moves his lips up to your throat. he leaves gentle kisses up your neck and along your jaw, making your breath shallow and heavy. 

your hand goes between your bodies and starts to work his tie knot, wanting to feel his body against yours. he continues to kiss along your collarbones, his hair tickling your jaw as you finally get to unbutton his shirt. he pulls away from you, tugging the shirt off of his arms and you place your hands on his shoulders, trying to tug him down. 

his hand wraps around your wrist again, his smirk is mischievous. “you don't listen.” you let out a small whimper as you watch him grab his tie from next to you. the knot is pretty tight and you can’t tug your hands out, but that is the point. he brings your wrist together and ties them together. you bite your lip thinking about what happened last time you tied him up, you wondered what he would do to you. your only complaint was that you couldn’t run your hand down his lean chest, or anywhere for that matter. 

“whatever.” you mumble and huff out an annoyed breath. 

you struck a cord with spencer, his eyes darken and he steps off the bed. suddenly your vision blurs as he tightly grips your hips and uses his strong arms to swiftly turn you on your stomach. you squirm slightly to try and get comfortable with your arms tied over your head. you crane your neck to the side and lay your cheek against the bed sheet trying to calm your heart beat through strained breaths. you can’t see him from behind you but you hear the clanking sound of his belt buckle. you smile to yourself with excitement, aware of what’s coming. you always knew there was a side to spencer that he hadn’t fully unloaded on you. he was always so gentle but there was obviously a shadow that he was hesitant to let out. you maneuver yourself onto your knees with your elbow and chest pressed into the mattress, arching your back. 

“i was going to take my time with you but since you want to be a needy slut, you’re going to be treated like one.” he grunts and you can feel the anger radiating from him as he pulls off his trousers and underwear in a hurried manner. all you can do is arch your back more, you can feel yourself soaking your underwear in anticipation. the bed shifts beside you and you see his warm hand snake around your waist and begin unbuttoning your pants. one of his hands roughly grips your hip as the other tugs your pants down, taking your underwear along with it. his hand lifts your leg slightly to tug your garments off your leg with no resistance. you shake the clothes off of your ankle in a hurried matter, hoping that he would finally fuck you. 

his hand mercilessly tug your hair, pulling your head back and causing you to moan pathetically. you’re able to push yourself up just enough to look at him but he makes the job easier on you by leaning down to your ear. “you’re going to be quiet and take it like a good girl.” he whispers gruffly and it almost sounds almost as if he is keeping himself from going unhinged. 

he drops your hair and then pushes the back of your head, forcing you into the mattress. you let out a muffled moan that sounds somewhat like a beg but he doesn’t really care. you feel his hands back on your hips with a bruising grip. his tip brushes up and down your wet pussy and you push your hips back for some friction. “god, you’re so wet. you like being treated like a slut huh?” you nod your head into the sheets and moan a weak  _ yes.  _ hoping that he sees you’re behaving and finally gives you what you need. 

he senses your neediness and finally pushes into you, slowly, stretching you out around him. you let out a muffled cry. he puts himself deep inside you and you hear him let out a shaky breath as he holds himself there, feeling you pulse around him. he keeps himself pressed on your g-spot and you begin to squirm involuntarily from the stimulation. his thighs leave your ass as he pulls out of you fully before ramming right back into you at a ruthless pace. you dig your face further into the bed as you let out a strained cry of both pain and pleasure. your hands are balled into fist for some sort of useless support. he hits you deep everytime and you try to silence yourself by taking deep breaths but his thrusts are aggressive in the best way. you feel yourself relaxing, enjoying the sound of his groans and pants as his nails dig into your hips, bound to leave marks. 

“you’re taking me so well-  _ fuck- _ you’re being such a good girl for me.” his praise goes straight to your core and you clench around him, earning a long moan from the both of you. you already feel close, the sound of his moans and his skin slapping against yours fills your ears as he absolutely rails you. somehow, he increases his pace and his hand snakes over your pelvis as he begins to rub your clit, timing it with his thrust. your walls are beginning to tighten, heightening the feeling of your orgasm being close. 

“ _ please _ , spencer-” the knot in your stomach is wound so tight that you try and beg for release. his thrust become sloppy as he gets close himself, his fingers ease up on your clit, “go ahead, be a good slut and cum for me.” as soon as the words leave his mouth, your whole body tenses for a moment before your pussy throbs fast and hard around his dick. ecstasy clouds your brain making you feel almost light headed .your legs shake and you practically scream his name with the bed swallowing your moans. your ass feels sore and that just adds to the red hot pleasure coursing through your veins. 

spencer’s hand leaves your clit and he thrusts into you a few more before finishing inside you. the sound of your name and explictives fall from his lips as he finishes inside you. he stays there for a moment trying to catch his breath as you do the same. you feel him pull out and you wince at the ache that will no doubt still be there tomorrow. you feel the bed shift, signaling that you can now collapse right on your stomach. your eyes stay closed for a minute, still not coming down from the high you just had. when you open them you see spencer lying beside you in a similar position. 

you lift your head a little bit and smile blissfully but he doesn’t return it, he almost looks sad. “what’s wrong?” you whisper with a small yawn, he did officially wear you out. 

his hand goes to your forehead and rubs the stray hairs away with a comforting touch that makes you smile again. “you’re not a slut.” he sighs. 

“yeah i know, but it was still hot being called one.” you let out a breath of laughter but you’re still concerned. his face is filled with guilt for some reason, “what’s going on in that big head of yours?” 

spencer laughs and then shrugs, and then his eyes begin to water. “sorry i- uh i just feel bad? you know, for treating you like that.” his voice cracks and shakes. you grab his hand and sit up, bringing him with you. you cup your hands on his face and search his sad eyes. 

“for the record, i liked how you treated me. i promise you spencer, you didn’t hurt me  _ at all.”  _ you make your voice clear and give him a quick kiss after your statement. you rub your thumb softly along his cheekbones to hopefully make him feel better. he breaks eye contact with you and sniffs, not really sure if he believes you. it’s not that he thinks he hurt you, per say, but that he is very much capable of it. he has thought about treating you in ways that sort of scare him sometimes. 

“it’s just that- we see guys who degrade women like that every day and label them as monsters-”

“okay stop right there. you are  _ nothing  _ like them. put your ego aside for one fucking second, spencer,” you chuckle a little bit and spencer gives you a sad smile from your words. you watch the shame slowly roll off of him and you give him one more tender kiss on the lips. “did you enjoy it?” 

“yes….” 

“so did i. if i didn’t i would have called the safe word, so calm down.” spencer wraps his arms around your back and tucks his head into the crook of your neck. he lets out a deep breath as he relaxes into you as you rub your hands on his back. you lay on your back enjoying the pressure of his warm body as he practically lays half of his body on you. you both just stay there, breathing in each other's scent as well as the lust in the air. 

“thank you, y/n” he whispers into your chest. 

“i love you, spencer,” usually when you say the words you are filled with anxiety but this time they feel like relief. it’s like everything is out there, you love spencer and he loves you. for now, you don’t want to over think or question anything. you love him, every part. even the ones he thinks are bad when they really aren’t. he’s only human. he needs to give himself credit. obviously he is aware of his genius but he doesn’t give himself credit for who he is as a human being. “and i’m proud of you.” you place a kiss on the top of his head. 

his soft breathing stops for a second, you hear a sniffle before you feel a wet drop on your shoulder. you don’t want to linger on the topic for too long but something tells you no one has really told spencer that. he lifts himself off of you, exposing his tear stained face. he bites the inside of his cheek to keep himself from sobbing. you run your hands through his hair and place a chaste kiss on his forehead. 

“i love you so much.” his pupils dilate as he stares right through your eyes. your chest fills with adoration and pure bliss. your mind can only think about him, and how great he is. how much he’s done for you and what possibilities could come in the future. 

“hmmm thank you, but you smell like sex. we should shower before i fall asleep.” spencer laughs breathily and pulls himself off of the bed allowing you to follow him to the bathroom. when you put your weight on your legs, they shake and you nearly collapse. “mother fucker-” 

“what?” spencer turns around and sees your state, “oh, sorry.” 

“no, you’re not,” you say with faux anger. he chuckles to himself and helps you stand up, guiding you to the bathroom. you pee and wipe the cum from between your legs as spencer starts the water. spencer steps into the steamy shower first, leaving the curtain pulled back for you to follow which you then shut it behind you. spencer turns around to face you with the water running down him and pulls you by the waist under the stream. your eyes close as you enjoy the warm water running down the front of your body. your eyes stay shut as a small smile graces your face when you feel spencer staring. his eyes move up to your jaw and he gives you a quick peck on the lips, you can feel the blissful smile on his lips as well. when he pulls away you flutter your eyes back open.

“so did i wear you out?” he has a arrogant smile on his lips, 

“you’re such a cocky asshole.” you scoff and hide the big smile that threatens to form on your face. he did though, he is practically holding you up by the waist and your eyes are having a hard time staying open. 

“i’ll take that as a yes.” 

you guys move on to completing your respective shower routines and giving each other random kisses throughout the process. you felt on fire, not just because of the hot shower but because you could practically feel the adoration you had for spencer burning through your skin. everything he did for you he did with love. you both finish and step out of the shower handing spencer a spare hotel towel that he wraps around his hips. you rake your eyes up and down his body for a quick moment and try to hide your flustered expression as you wrap the towel around yourself. you walk out of the bathroom and beeline right for your go bag to dig for some clothes for you and spencer. you find a large t-shirt and loose shorts for him, and a tanktop and a pair of underwear for you. you toss the clothes on the bed behind you and stand up and turn around to see spencer already pulling the clothes on. 

your instinctual reaction causes you to jump back around and clutch onto the towel, “jeez- s-sorry.” you’ve seen him naked numerous times but out of sexual context it catches you off guard. you hear spencer awkwardly laugh and verbally assure you that it's okay for you to turn around. you cautiously turn around and grab your own clothes to put on. 

you slip your legs through the underwear and look up and see that spencer made no moves to turn around. “wh-why are you staring?” your voice is pathetic and you feel your face go hot. the way he's looking at you, like his eyes are devouring you. you slip your underwear on properly and drop the towel to put your tank top on.

“because there's a gorgeous naked girl standing in front of me. a gorgeous, now half naked girl, that loves me.” 

you could melt, no you could die. just right there, press pause in life. the way he was looking at you, it wasn't sexual, it was like he just found the meaning of life. and the way his gaze was making you feel, felt like you just found out heaven was a real thing and you’ve been granted full access. 

your mouth opens and closes because he somehow sucked all the air out of your lungs so he speaks for you. “come on, let's go to bed. we have a big day tomorrow.” 

you nod your head and take one big stride, practically jumping into the bed. you crawl under the fresh sheets and let out a content sigh as you melt into the mattress. you close your eyes and sleep already begins to wash over you. you feel the mattress shift and large warm hands wrap around your waist and tug you close. your body automatically tucks your knees up so that spencer’s body can mold perfectly around yours. you feel his soft breathing as you both get comfortable pressed up against each other. slipping into dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N   
> ayyy i wrote way too much, again. sorry if the smut is bad, I'm very unfamiliar with degrading cuz I'm more of a praise person myself.   
> if this is too soft for you, sorry, i was sad when i wrote this and i still kind of am hahah


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: case, depictions of necrophilia

_ THREE DAYS LATER _

“our guy is middle aged, white and attractive. above average.” prentiss announces to the entire police department. you guys finally have a solid description but now you just need people to be on the lookout. after three long, painful days of interrogating creepy white men, asking locals questions and seeing the pain in the three sets of parents eyes over and over, you guys had gotten somewhere. 

“his charming demeanor allows him to get away with things that otherwise would make others suspicious or uneasy.” rossi follows. 

“he’s choosing little girls, which means that he probably can only get off to the utmost submission. he finds powerful and independent women disgusting and he's also a necrophiliac, which means he likes having total control over the victims that he needs them lifeless.” spencer says it matter of factly but many officers look like they might be sick. 

“he's probably divorced and/or his wife is dead. whatever it was, she wasn't satisfying his needs. he is using his son to choose these girls, probably unknowingly.” you begin, bringing the attention to yourself, “he goes to the park, encourages his son to bond with these girls where they will undoubtedly give up their information which allows him to take them.” 

“be on the lookout for grown men who are at the park a little too long.” hotch concludes the briefing with that and then you all split off to try and figure out more leads through garcia. 

“hey mama.” derek flirts into his speaker phone, 

“hello, my lovelies. how may i use my magic to help today?” 

“remember the list of men you had found us? that owned cabins about twenty miles north?” 

“yep. have anything good for me yet?” you hear her quick typing happening on the other end. 

“yeah, he’s white, thirties to fifties and he has a son that’s probably between the ages of five and ten.” you speak into the phone. 

“still pretty long list guys-” 

“okay well, his divorce is probably recent, maybe within the last three to five months? And he has main custody” prentiss asks. 

“okay... male divorced… only child… okay yeah, that’s like twenty five names.” 

“he’s probably been accused of sexual assault before but got away with it because he has good manipulation skills.” 

“okay… wow! That narrows it down by a lot, surprisingly since this is florida a-” 

“garcia,” hotch says sternly, interrupting her ramble.

“right sorry i have three names,” you hear her furious typing during a pause and the tension in the room is high with anticipation, “oh! wait- two moved away after their divorce which leaves you with lyle olsen. i’m sending a picture and info to all of you right now.” 

“thank you, garcia.” you all chime in onto the phone. 

“you’re welcome, kick some ass!” 

“oh, i will.” you murmer to yourself and derek hangs up the phone.

as promised, you all get the address and the picture. your guys’s profile is right, he is  _ technically _ , good looking with dirty blond hair and a defined jaw structure. the address to his home and his cabin come in and hotch sends you and derek to the cabin, emily and reid to his house and him and rossi take the park. hotch has been purposefully separating you and reid on field assignments, which is fair, things get risky sometimes. you quickly throw on your vests and get situated in your separate SUV’s. morgan drives north to the outskirts of town with two police cars following for when you guys make the arrest. you’re nervous, you don’t know what you will find there, or if he will even be there. you guys could’ve got it all wrong for all you know. when you guys get to the address, you take note of how rundown it looks. the wood is clearly old and unkempt. it’s not that big either and there isn’t another house for miles so very secluded, obvious why he chose it. 

“we go in quiet.” morgan instructs you, and you nod your head pulling your gun out of your holster. you both point your guns forward as morgan knocks on the door, no answer. he does that thing where he manages to kick the doors open in one smooth motion. you cautiously walk in and there is a small open living room and kitchen that are connected. looks like it hasn’t been used and it’s not decorated. you follow the small corridor and see a door that’s open with a small bathroom in it on the right and on the left, the door is closed with a latch. 

derek is behind you, his gun lowering for a bit and you lower yours slightly as well. “go check out back, i’ll go down here.” you say to him, jutting your chin in direction of the door at the very back of the house that opened to the backyard/forest area. 

“y/n i don’t think you should go down there alone.” he responds to you with his voice slightly quiet. 

“it’s fine derek, better that we cover more ground okay?” your instructions were slightly selfish, if he was down there you wanted to find him yourself. possibly so that no one could stop you from killing him. your other point did reign true though, if the unsub knew you guys were already here then he probably tried to escape. 

derek hesitantly nods his head at you, he puts his gun back up in front of him and heads out back. you turn your attention to the latch on the plainwhite door and keep one hand on your gun while the other unlocks it. it’s pitch dark, no windows, you step one foot out and feel a creaky wooden step. you feel one of your hands around the wall next to you, finding a switch and turning the light on. you slowly take steps down the few unstable steps and scan the basement. there’s shelves that are half empty, it’s dusty and the air is stuffy. you weave through the miscellaneous items, avoiding spider webs in your way and see a large, almost closet looking, box that is vertical against the wall. you stop moving, you hear labored breathing and it is in fact coming from the box. you put your gun in your holster, you don’t doubt that it’s maria but you’ve been trained to be careful. her sounds grow frantic as she feels you getting closer, probably thinking you're the unsub.

you check the side for an opening and see that there’s a pad lock that requires a key. a little bit of panic builds, how the hell are you supposed to know where it is? 

“maria?” you whisper cautiously and she stops breathing for a split second and then you hear her begin to sob. your heart sinks slightly but you try to stay focused. “look, he can’t hurt you anymore, okay? i’m gonna get you out of here, i promise but i need you to tell me where he keeps the key.” 

“please, i just want my mommy.” her muffled voice cries and you feel a small tear roll down your face as your sadness turns to rage. “i promise you will baby, i just need a little help here. your mom is waiting for you so do you remember what he would do when he put you in here?” your voice is soft and you’re trying to whisper and stay calm. you also begin to slowly pull out your phone to call derek to say you’ve found her. 

“i- i think he- he has it in a box? on one of those shelves.” her voice is shaky and she still sounds so pure and vulnerable after everything she has gone through. 

“okay got it, i’m going to go look now, don’t worry i’ll get you out soon.” you dial derek’s number and press the phone to your ear with your shoulder as you begin searching the archaic shelves. 

“morgan.” he answers

“i found her. she’s in some box and i’m currently looking for a key to unlock it. call hotch and have him bring her parents.” your voice is fast but still hushed and your movements are frantic as you find yourself searching through five old boxes but they feel like a hundred right now. 

“where’s the unsub?” 

“i don’t-” you’re interrupted by an elbow hitting you hard right on your temple. your phone drops to the floor and the impact was hard enough for your vision to blur as you stumble on your feet. you harshly blink to try and adjust your vision and reach to take your gun out of your holster but then the unsub kicks you right in the stomach. you fall flat on your back on the hard floor, knocking the wind out of you. there is a throbbing on the side of your head but you ignore it. the pain feels insignificant when you feel your adrenaline begin to pump through you. you see the unsub standing over you and he looks annoyed. Like you invaded his privacy for no good reason. he kicks you hard in the ribs and you definitely feel this one. you squirm and groan in pain as you cradle your stomach. he definitely bruised it. 

“you sick bastard.” you spit at him through strained breathes. he quickly gets down on the floor with you and pins you down under a heavy force. 

his expression is grimy and furious and he waste no time connecting his fist with your face, “you’re a pathetic bitch.” 

both his hands go to your throat and he strangles you. his grip is so tight you thought he might crush your throat. you feel your pulse strong against his rough hands. your first reaction is to try and pry his hands off of you before you lose oxygen. clawing your nails in his wrists. you feel your vision get blurry at the sides but for some strange reason your head is clear. you reach between your bodies and while he is too distracted trying to choke you out, you take your gun out. you give him one shitfaced smirk and pull the trigger and the bullet goes right into his side. his hands immediately go weak and you quickly roll him off your body and stand up with your gun pointed directly at his head. you violently cough as you catch your breath and feel the blood rush back through your brain. 

he looks up at you with shock and his hands press into his abdomen, collecting the blood. you want to shoot him, so bad. square in the face, just blow his brains out. if you don’t shoot him now, he will probably live. the one to his stomach wasn’t fatal enough. morgan heard the commotion on his end and once he realised what was happening he hung up and called everyone. while the rest of the team drove over with the police. he went back into the house, ran into the basement after hearing the shot. only to find the unsub halfway unconscious on the floor with you pointing your gun right at him. you look up at derek and snap back into the reality of everything. he probably saw the grim look on your face but chose to ignore it for now.

derek quickly arrests the unsub and the guy attempts to resist arrest but it’s no use. you watch him drag the unsub out and he has a disgusting look on his face, like he’s proud of himself. you shake the gross feeling from your stomach away as you go back to trying to get maria out of there. you suddenly realize that she’s full on crying now which makes you give up on the key, you use the bottom of your gun to break the brittle lock and open it up. your ears are filled with the sound of her wails and your heavy breathing.

you see her curled up with matted hair and tears running down her face that have fallen on her clothes.clothes that she's definitely been in since the day she was taken. she looks ill and beat down, physically and emotionally. her hands are tied behind her back with a zip tie and you use all the strength you have in your fingers to tear them off. she launches her small body onto yours and you wrap your arms around her tightly receiving her hug. you whisper soothing phrases as her whole body shakes and she cries into your shoulder. you try to keep yourself from crying as you hear footsteps that are undoubtedly the rest of your team. they don’t stop you though, they just let you have a moment to find comfort in the fact that you probably just saved this little girls life. it doesn’t really feel like that to you though. when the adrenaline wears off, all the relief you were feeling is replaced by disappointment. you couldn’t save the other two, alexis is probably dead in some forest. she was totally helpless and now you’ll have to tell her parents that you were too late. and for fucks sake, you promised. you gave the father hope. 

“c’mon, you’re safe now.” you murmur when you finally feel her calm down. she reluctantly lets you go and you stand up straight and turn around to see your team staring at you. an officer gently grabs her hand and leads her out to show her to her parents outside. 

“jesus, are you okay?” spencer walks over to you and wraps his arms around you tightly. you hug him back and relax a little bit at his familiar scent. somehow that always soothed you, no matter what. “morgan called and said he heard a shot on the phone, i didn’t know if you-” 

“i’m fine. no gunshot wound.” you laugh lightly though nothing is funny. you’re still processing the fact that you almost killed someone. you were so ready to do it and you had a feeling that you wouldn’t even feel bad about it either. you bury your face into the crook of his neck and you both just stand there, for probably way to long. 

“yeah but you got hurt, your face-” he murmurs, referring to the black eye that was just going to get darker over the next few days and the mark that would soon appear on your neck. you’re acutely aware of the ache in your side that you’ll probably have to get checked. 

“y/n, do you want to go outside and talk to the family?” hotch asks you and you and spencer quickly pull away from each other. 

“oh- uhm yeah.” your voice is mousy and you run your hands over your hair as you walk past everyone. 

“he got you good huh?” prentiss mutters and you offer her a small laugh that’s accompanied by a hiss when it agitates your stomach. 

“is something wrong?” spencer asks you when he sees you hold your side.

“yeah i’m fine.” you sound harsher then you mean to. you’re just very overwhelmed right now. you all walk out and you see the unsub is being treated by a medic while he’s still arrested. he will be put on trial soon but he can’t go to jail with a gun wound, unfortunately. 

another medic notices your injuries and calls you over, you mindlessly follow her to her truck and sit down next to her as she starts checking up on you. you stay silent, just squinting your eyes from the harsh light of the sun. she cleans up the cut on your lip and then she asks you to take off your vest so she can check your ribs. you do as you're told and lift up your shirt and she pokes the injured area. you whimper and take in a sharp inhale. 

“yep, you should get this checked.” all you do is nod your head, “from what i can tell you’ll probably just need painkillers and keep it iced.” 

_ that’s a dangerous path  _ you think to yourself, but it’s tempting. 

“we found his son at his house” you hear hotch next to you suddenly. you weren’t even aware that he had come up to you. 

“poor kid.” you say plainly, of course you feel bad that he has a scum-of-the earth father but you can't dwell on it too much otherwise you'll get upset again.

“is there something we should talk about, y/l/n” 

“what?” you turn to him completely confused. 

“spencer has expressed some concern to me about you, but i told him you were clearly strong enough and were handling it. then morgan spoke up today as well. are you doing all right?” 

_ yeah, just losing my humanity and becoming desensitized more and more everyday. feeling like i’m a terrible person even though i’ve done nothing wrong.  _

those thoughts are always there, but they’re small compared to the overwhelming amount of support and friendship you get from your team. the love and care that you get from spencer keeps you sane. you know it’s not healthy but as long as you have him, you think that you’ll be okay. 

“i’m fine, just angry you know. i wish i had gotten him as soon as there was a first victim.” 

“we can’t save them all, that’s impossible. you did the best you could and you handled it very well today. i’m proud of you.” you actually make eye contact with him this time and he looks down at you with a small smile which makes you smile a little bit since his were so rare. 

“thanks, hotch.” 

he gives you a quick nod and walks away. his place is soon replaced by maria’s mother who doesn’t hesitate to wrap her arms around you. you met her before and now she was meeting you as someone who saved her child. she cried many “thank yous” and “i don’t know how to repay you for this”. you assure her that you were just doing your job and she let go of her tight hold on you. her husband comes up after her and firmly shakes your hand and you see a few tears run down his face as he looks back over his shoulder at his daughter who is about to go to the hospital as well. you can’t lie, it does feel good to know that you restored hope in at least one person today. after all, that's why you do this job, to help people while simultaneously getting into the minds of fucked up people. it's wonderful.

\-----

“here.” spencer drops four files on your desk and you look up at him confused. you guys had gotten to quantico yesterday and hotch forcefully sent you home, saying you could do the rest later. you decided against going to the hospital, instead you just spent all night nursing your ribs with ice while staring at a bottle of painkillers. it did hurt like a bitch. anytime you used your core a pang of pain would run through the whole right side of your torso. spencer offered to come over after he finished his paperwork but you told him you just needed a few hours alone to think. 

“what-” you open the files and see that they are yesterday’s case files, “i thought you did these yesterday?” 

“i did, those are yours. well half of them.” he leans back against your desk and gives you a sweet smile. 

“did i tell you how much i love you?” you beamed up at him like he was your savior. you honestly dreaded working on the case files from yesterday and opted to work on old ones so the fact that he took half the load off for you meant a lot. you technically had more to write about since the unsub assaulted you and you had to use your gun. 

“no, no i don’t think you did.” spencer replied sarcastically, “remind me?”

“i thought you had an eidetic memory.” you roll your eyes, “but yes, i love you very very much.” 

you grab the hand that was resting in spencer’s lap and give it a soft affectionate squeeze, you guys were still at work after all. “seriously, thank you. does hotch know about this?”

“yeah but he said it doesn’t matter, as long as it gets done.” he shrugs and you nod in understanding. spencer stays by your desk the whole time you work and you actually get through your half of the files. spencer’s presence provides you comfort. sometimes you think about how you were so much more innocent when you first joined the BAU. it worries you but then you remember how depressed and lonely you used to be. your life might’ve been easier but you were just so sad, you didn’t even realise how sad you used to be until you started to feel actually happy with your life and yourself. spencer has given your life a whole new purpose, you thought you wanted to be alone but things change apparently. maybe that’s just what you thought you deserved, maybe you didn’t know you deserved to feel good. 

\-----

“jeez y/n, that looks awful.” penelope grimaces at you when you walk into her office. 

“wow thanks, penny.” you gingerly sit in the spare chair next to her and let out a deep sigh. you came to her office after turning your files in because you thought you could use some overwhelming positive energy right now. penelope is right where you’ll find it, you missed when half of your job consisted of spending time with her. 

“i’m sorry! but you look like violet from charlie and the chocolate factory but like, only on your eye.” her face scrunches up and you laugh at her comparison, trying to ignore the pain it brings. you were able to cover up the strangulation marks on your neck with copious amounts of color corrector and concealer but there was only so much you could do for your black eye. “can i touch it?” 

her index finger slowly reaches up to your face and you swerve your face and frown, “no! what the fuck, it still hurts by the way.” you say jokingly and penelope puts her hand back onto her keyboard. 

“so, how are you feeling?” she gives you an awkward grin. 

“fine.” the face she makes shows you did not convince her, “good, i’m- i’m good.” you aren’t really sure how you’re feeling right now but definitely not as bad as yesterday, so you’d say progress. 

“okay good, i just- you look so  _ empty.” _ she says cautiously and gestures her hands in the air to show nothingness. Is that the look in your eye that was worrying everyone? That you’re becoming numb? you probably were and it honestly makes sense. surely they’ve all experienced it so you know it will pass. it’s honestly not a big deal and you don’t know why everyone is looking at you with such sad eyes. 

“nope, i’m with my favourite girl, so how could i not be good?” you give her a genuine smile to really sell it. 

“awwww oh my god! i love you so much.” she squeals and wraps her arms around you, pulling you into a tight hug. “by the way, how’s it going with you and boy genius?” she asks you when she pulls away. 

you pause, feeling a smile creep on your face that you can’t control. you feel like a school girl gossiping about a boy you’re interested in even though he is the deepest love you’ve ever had. “it’s great honestly. he’s just awesome.” you tuck your hair behind your ear out of habit. you feel all warm inside now just thinking about him when he’s right outside. 

“you guys are together right? boyfriend and girlfriend? soon to be husband and wife.” penelope starts getting all excited, she’s getting wayyy ahead of herself as usual. 

“no! no, marriage. gosh, what’s with everyone’s obsession with that.” your whole body shudders and you cringe. 

“aww but you  _ love _ him.” penelope uses a whiny voice and sings into your ear. 

“yes, i do.” 

“so he’s your boyfriend?” 

you’re about to say yes but then you realise that you never once asked. that feels kind of wrong to say someone is your significant other without actually asking them first. 

_ oh my god, spencer reid is my boyfriend?!  _

well he mostly is, the title is just not there yet. this feels weird to you, you haven’t had a partner in seven years. even then, you didn’t love her, you have a feeling that dating someone you love is a totally different feeling. will this change things for you and him, by putting a label on it are you ruining it. It sounds so official. he will no longer be just someone you love, he will be  _ your  _ boyfriend and you will be  _ his  _ girlfriend. honestly, the idea of spencer being able to say your his does make you smile, even though you’re sure he already knows, it will be nice to ask. 

“let me get back to you on that-”

“oh my god, y/n! you haven’t?? poor spencer has had puppy eyes for you so long and you’ve just been  **not** calling him your boyfriend?” she looks at you in disbelief and her reaction is so big that on anyone else you’d think it was satire. but she really is not joking.

“sorry? i’m not used to this, okay, i don’t know how these things work.” you give her an uncomfortable shrug and she jabs your shoulder. right as she is about to tell you off again you guys are interrupted. 

“hey guys, we are going to go out for drinks. you’re coming right?” jj pokes her head in through the doorway. 

“yes!  _ i _ will be going but y/n has something she needs to do.” garcia gives you a glare and your mouth opens and closes a few times. you are about to protest but, might as well rip the band-aid off.

“yeah, penny is right, i have some stuff back home to take care of.” you speak to jj as you soothe your shoulder. she didn’t hit you hard but all that chunky jewelry she wears made it hurt. 

“okay…. well we leave in thirty.” jj’s eyes squint slightly and her tone is suspicious but she obviously doesn’t want to get into whatever you guys had going on. 

\-----

the team leaves and you all say your good-bye’s to hotch and rossi who stay in their own office. hotch always has work to do and rossi says that he has better things to do when the team asks him to join but obviously he means well. you like being alone too. not tonight though. once prentiss, jj, morgan and garcia leave the building, you pack up your stuff and make your way over to spencer.

“hey, spencer. can i come over?” you ask when you see him begin to pack up. 

his whole face lights up and it gives you butterflies. “of course, you don’t even have to ask. do you want to stay over?” 

“yes, please.” you let out a big sigh as your body relaxes slightly from the thought of being wrapped up in his arms again. “i’ll drive you and i can stop by my place before i come up so i can get clothes.”

“great.” he throws his satchel over his shoulder and puts his hand on your lower back, making your face feel warm. you both make your way to the elevator and out of the building with his hand always somewhere on your body. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N   
> i had a lot of fun writing this but I'm still very inexperienced with writing violence so sorry if it kinda sucks.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smut warning

“thanks.” you murmur as spencer hands you a cup of chamomile tea. you blow on it lightly feeling the mug warm up your hands but you make no moves to sip it. you didn’t ask but he could probably tell you’re nervous. you thought you were hiding it well but apparently not, damn profiler’s. you had showered and changed into the purple tank top and gray sweatpants that you brought. spencer plops down next to you on his couch with  _ doctor who _ playing on the tv. you enjoy the show but you are honestly barely paying attention. why were you so nervous? it’s not like he’ll say no. hopefully not but, he still can. you usually try to avoid these situations, where you have to actually  _ talk  _ things out and communicate your feelings. the benefit of being with spencer was that he mostly knew exactly what you were feeling and acted accordingly, you didn’t have to actually be clear about anything. 

you lay your head on spencer’s shoulder and he rests his cheek on the top of your head as you nuzzle against him. even though you are anxious about something that has to do with him, his presence is always comforting no matter what. even when you both are upset with each other, the only person you want to comfort you is him. 

“what’s on your mind? there’s something you want to say.” he asks you but makes no move to change his current position of leaning on you. 

you being nervous honestly makes him nervous. he worries about you a lot. he loves you deeply and never wants to lose you. he’s lost so many people already and he wants to hold onto you for as long as he can. he doesn’t realise that what you want to say is practically the opposite of the source of his fears. you aren’t abandoning him, you want to commit to him for as long as you can. you drop your mug on the coffee table and your heart rate increases as you shift your position to the side so that you can criss cross your legs facing him. spencer mirrors your position and takes the hands in your lap into his. you giggle partially because he hates touching other peoples hands and also because you’re feeling weary. 

“will you be my boyfriend?” you blurt out so fast that if spencer’s own mind didn’t go at a hundred miles an hour, he probably wouldn’t have caught it.

he doesn’t respond immediately and stops breathing for a second, which makes you shut your eyes and chew on the bottom of your lip like you're mad at it. spencer just stares at you with doe eyes, a smile slowly creeping on his face as he assesses your apprehensive state. maybe it’s the sadist in him, but he finds it amusing how this ten second pause is making you cower. you are questioning everything, somehow feeling like an idiot when he hasn’t even rejected you. 

“what?” 

you open your eyes only to roll them when you see the satisfied expression on his face. “don’t make me say it again. otherwise i’ll take it back.” the teenager-esqe butterflies you were feeling from asking such a juvenile question leave your body. his expression is playful and it makes you smile as well. 

“take what back? i didn’t hear you.” he continues to tease you and you pull your hands from his grasp and go to push his shoulder but he grabs your wrist. he stares you down right in the eyes and his pupils begin to dilate. you feel yourself get warm just from his tight grip on you. 

“you have an eidetic memory, replay it in your head.” you stare him right back, as if you're trying to fight for dominance with just your eyes. you make no attempts to pull your wrist from his hand though. 

“no, i want to hear it from that pretty mouth of yours,” he smirks as he feels the effect that his words have on you. you feel like all your nerves are on fire just from his words and you bet that if you were standing, your knees would’ve buckled. 

“will you be my boyfriend?” your words were so small as you murmured them under your breath. you felt like a little girl. you broke eye contact with him and opted to stare at the large wall of bookshelves to try and hide your embarrassment. 

“yeah, i still can’t hear you.” spencer shrugs nonchalantly and you just want to smack him upside the head.

if he wanted to be a tease, so could you. you sharply pull your wrist from his hand and put your feet on the floor to stand with a scowl on your face. spencer is quicker than you though, his hands launch over and grab your hips. he pulls you back down so that you fall onto him. you automatically adjust your position so that you’re straddling his lap comfortably and his hands rest on your lower back. the sexual tension begins to grow between the both of you. your face went hot but then you smiled down at him. your pointer finger went to his neck and then trailed along his jaw seductively. you watched his adam’s apple bob as he gulped. 

“yes. i thought you’d never ask.” he finally answered you breathlessly, his mocking tone now gone.

“oh thank god!” you gasped with your hand on your chest. you took in a series of deep breathes as if you just ran a lap. 

“why would i say no?” spencer chuckled at your obvious distress.

_ why would you say yes?  _ you thought to yourself. you honestly thought you were very lucky to get this genius loverboy to want you. you weren’t anything special. you couldn’t believe he stook around, he saw all your bad parts before your good parts and he still wanted you. he was stubborn about it too. 

“i don’t know!” you squealed playfully but you could feel the insecurities that you constantly felt about yourself in the back of your mind come forward. you didn’t want to hide what you felt from him. he deserved someone honest and trustworthy. if you were going to be his girlfriend, you wanted to be someone who treated him the right way. and that involved saying your true feelings and concerns.

“i guess… sometimes i worry you’ll realize how unworthy i am of your love and leave me,” you break eye contact and fiddle with your finger nails, an anxious habit. that was a really big insecurity of yours, it continued to grow as you questioned your own character sometimes. it was a self-centered and stupid thought, really. but you couldn’t help but think about it every now and then. everytime he was there for you, being exactly what you needed. even with superficial stuff, like how fast he could read or his incredible wit. he could be doing so many amazing things and chooses to put energy into being with you. 

you were scared to ask him to be official because you could honestly cling and never let go. what if he got bored, or even worse, resentful. 

his face scrunched in confusion, like that was the dumbest thing he’s ever heard. so dumb, he had to laugh. it was comical that you would ever think one day he would have this epiphany and just up and leave you. he stopped finding it funny when your lip began to quiver, you were genuinely upset about it. “y/n, i love you. that means you are everything to me. you are worthy of so much more than you know. i don’t know why you convince yourself otherwise. you’re amazing, smart and funny. you’re strong where i’m weak and if it were up to me, i’d spend everyday with you.” 

tears were beginning to fall now, but they were tears of love and joy. his words took your breath away, they were so sappy you thought you would’ve thrown up. you were lovesick. “you think i’m funny huh?” 

“is that the only thing you got from that?” spencer acted like he was offended but he was used to you by now. he knew that you understood his words, you just didn’t know how else to respond. 

“yep.  _ i love you, something something, you’re smart and funny, _ ” you spoke his words back to him with a ponder on your face. all he could do is laugh and admire you. his laugh was definitely your favourite sound. you wiped the tears from your cheek with the back of your hand and joined in with your own giggles. “i love you so much, spencer reid, more than anyone, ever.” you looked right through his hazel eyes when you said it to show you were genuine. they were the most real and scary words you’ve ever said. 

he answered you with a kiss while his hands wove through your hair. you immediately opened your mouth for him to slip his tongue into. the kiss was slow and loving but soon became passionate and heated when your hands went to his throat. every time he kissed you, it was like you suddenly realised how much you missed his lips on yours. this kiss was special, it was like a memento. you felt like a new sense of life was breathed into you just from his intimate touch. you felt so whole and he wasn’t even inside you yet. 

you felt his excitement grow under you and you smirked against his mouth. you put his chin between your fingers and pulled away as you tugged his bottom lip between your teeth, causing a small moan to leave his mouth. his lips chased yours, feeling like it was over too soon. you started to roll your hips against his bulge and let out a small whimper to show him what you wanted. you felt yourself growing wetter by the second as he continued to buck his hips up slightly and giving you his own grunts of pleasure. 

“do you want to-”

“show me to the bedroom, loverboy.” you whispered whimsically and he wasted no time gripping onto your thighs and standing up with your legs still wrapped around his waist. you put your hands on his shoulders for support but his strong arms definitely could’ve kept you up even if he didn’t. you let out a small yelp of surprise that turns into a giggle as he carries you to his bedroom. 

“yes ma’am.”

\-----

he gently drops you onto the center of the bed, keeping himself hovering close above your body. you keep yourself laid flat against the bed, waiting for his next move. he makes no move to kiss you, just briskly rubbing his nose against yours. your eyes flutter shut as you guys just share each other's breath and not fully connecting. the tension leading up to touching each other was so strong, it felt like an explosion would happen you were so on fire. 

spencer reaches down to the hem of your tank top and gingerly lifts it up. he notices the bruise on your side and his calloused fingers graze against the purple skin. “are you sure you're okay?” 

you honestly weren't even aware of the pain that having sex right now might give you. there were much stronger sensations going on. “i know they're ugly but i’m fine, it's not as bad as it looks.” you whisper as you also stare at the mark on your ribs. 

“they're aren't ugly, i honestly think it's bad ass.” 

you bite your bottom lip and bring your hands to his cheek finally pulling him down for a kiss. you instantly put your tongue in his mouth and begin tangling your fingers in his soft brown hair. you spread your legs and feel him through the confines of your pants. you let out a desperate moan when he presses his hips into you but still doesn’t give you what you need. 

you decide to take things into your own hands by tugging on his shirt and breaking the kiss so that you can quickly pull off of him. he lets you take it off and throws it aimlessly before reaching his hand under your tank top. running his hands up your stomach to your breast while he attaches his lips back to yours. the throbbing between your legs grows and you can feel it spread through your whole body. you enjoy going slow but at the same time you feel like you need him. his hand kneads your breast gently and you let out a series of whimpers when his thumb runs along your nipple. you remove your hands from his hair and grab the hem of your top and pull it over head. you wrap your arms around your back and feel his warm chest pressed against yours. there’s already a sheen of sweat on both your bodies and your breathing is synchronized with his. he uses the hand that’s not on your breast and goes to the waistband of your sweat pants and begins pulling them down your thigh. once you successfully kick them off your legs you hastily pull his off, leaving you both in your underwear. he breaks the kiss and you take in a huge breath not even realizing you both barely had time to breathe. he grabs your thighs and wraps them around his waist and you can see the tent in his pants is desperate. you cling your legs around him and wrap your arms around his nape, he manages to bring the both of you to the top of the bed and your head falls onto the pillows while he puts his hand on the head board. 

you both just stare into each other’s eyes for a moment, it’s like his eyes are scanning you as he moves his gaze down your body. like all the other times he’s had you completely exposed to him weren't enough. you run your hands down his lean, strong torso until you reach the band of his underwear. he wordlessly does the same to you, teasing the band of your underwear. you decide to take the taunting further, instead of taking them off you slip your hand into his boxers and rub your thumb along the tip of his hard. you watch the muscles in his abdomen tighten as he groans your name. he slips his fingers down your underwear and along your wet slit that was practically soaking through the fabric. you let out small needy whimpers when he teases your pusss and you try to buck your hips for more. your movements on his cock falter when he slips his middle finger into you only to pull it right out again. 

“you’re always so ready for me,” he murmurs and bites his lip as he admires how aroused you are for him. he has this look in his eyes, telling you he wants you to beg for it. which you’d do gladly. 

“ _ please _ , spencer, i need you. i want you inside me.” you whine desperately and he finally tugs off your underwear while you also pull off his boxers. you watch his cock spring free and you try to shift your hips upwards to maybe encourage him to put it inside you. 

“like this, love?” he slips his finger back into you, clearly aware he isn't giving you what you need. you pout and shake your head no. he pumps and curls his finger inside you and you let small moans leave your throat and your face scrunches with pleasure. 

“i need your words.”

“i want your dick inside me,  _ please _ !” those were the words he needed to hear.

he spreads your legs further and grabs his cock with one hand while the other grips the head board. he aligns his tip with your pussy and bottoms out all the way inside you. his lips part and a small whimper falls from his lips as you instantly push your hips up and somehow take him deeper inside you. he pulls out of you with the small amount of space that your legs are giving him and pushes back in, agonizingly slow. your pussy adjusts for every inch and you begin to dig your nails into this back from pleasure when he’s barely started. he begins to thrust into you slowly but deeply, you can feel him hitting your cervix and it causes your body to jolt slightly from the unfamiliar sensation. it hurts and there are tears pricking at the corner of your eyes but its feels so  _ fucking _ good that your eyes flutter shut and your back arches as you let out a moan. he knew what he was doing, his grip on your hip was possessive, like he wouldn’t let you go whether you wanted to or not. you were faintly aware of the sound of his bed scratching against the hardwood floor with every movement he made. you couldn’t keep your eyes open and the knot in your stomach was already so tight you were almost afraid to let it go. you didn’t want this moment to end, you felt so complete with him. his parts fit perfectly with your, figuratively and literally. he could feel it too, the look on his face as he watched himself move in and out of you, like he was trying to put all his love for you with every snap of his hips. he looked so beautiful coming undone on top of you, a sight you couldn’t possibly get sick of. 

“ _ fuck _ \- can you feel me,” he takes your hand that was clawing into his shoulder and moves it to your lower stomach. somehow with his movements he presses your hand into your abdomen and he’s right, you can feel him hitting your womb. he’s setting his claim on you, on your body and soul. you’re glad to give it to him, to give everything up and have him take you.

“i’m yours spencer,” you somehow manage to cry out and you can tell that your words bring him closer to the edge. 

his thrust start to get sloppy as your walls begin to tighten around him. your whole body tenses and you feel his dick twitch for a moment before you release a series of moans and cries of his name. his jaw goes slack as he lets out shaky mewls and moans your name back to you. you both finish at the same time and the room fills with the sounds of both your bliss. your toes curl and your eyes shut tight as your whole body shakes with pleasure and ecstasy. you feel the white haze of your orgasm cloud all your senses and you ride the high he gives you for a while. you don’t even him kissing your face and burying his face in the crook of your neck. he props himself up on his elbows to pull out of you but you just wrap your legs around him once more and ask him to stay. he gladly obliges and you savour the feeling of him being apart of you. you run your hands through his hair as you come back to your senses. you feel spencer’s breathing slow down slightly and his heart come back to a restful beat.

he eventually pulls out of you and lays right next you. the room is filled with comfortable silence and the sound of your synced breathing. your body and mind feel so calm that you feel like you could dissolve into the bed. spencer feels it too, for once his thoughts are in only one place. he turns his head to look at you and you do the same to him. there were so many words that you both wanted to share but they felt so stuck in your throat. it was nearly indescribable. you got up and went to the bathroom to quickly pee and clean between your legs before coming back to the bed.

“so what should we do now? as boyfriend and girlfriend.” you break the silence and chuckle at your words. 

“i think we should sleep.” spencer smiles at you and his fingertips draw patterns on your stomach. the light touch gives you goosebumps. you guys wiggle yourselves under the covers and you rest your head on his chest. and his arm wrapped around your back and clung to you close. your hand rested along his stomach and you closed your eyes as you nuzzled into his warm body. his hand stroked your hair and you felt him give your forehead a few kisses before you get pulled in under by sleep. 


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TIME SKIP TO TWO YEARS AND FOUR MONTHS  
> warning: blood, description of injuries

you were laying in bed, it wasn’t  _ your _ bed but it felt like it. your arms were wrapped around someone warm and the sun was shining right through your eyelids. you felt like you were light and airy. so free, you didn’t want to open your eyes, but you did. when you opened them, you saw something better, the person you loved staring back at you. spencer brought his hand up to your forehead and ran his fingers through your messy bed head. you giggled softly and so did he with his perfect hazel eyes on your e/c ones. his touch was so warm and soft. his familiar scent of coffee and old books making you want to fall back asleep.

his laugh came out so muffled though, but you swore you could feel the vibrations of his laughter through his chest. everything was so bright, even the bedsheets you were in, so white it was almost blinding. 

_ such a bright morning sun  _ you thought to yourself.

\---- 

you took one big breath and came back to reality. agony. is how you would describe how you were feeling if you felt like you could talk. you had whiplash in your neck and your chest felt crushed. you felt light headed and you had lost some feeling in one of your legs. it was stuck somewhere but it hurt. you opened your eyes but instantly squinted again something bright shining right at you. you began to wake up fully again, you didn’t know where you were or why the hell you were upside down. you pressed your hand to your forehead and saw warm blood on your fingers. 

you groaned as you came back to your senses and aware of the pain that somehow radiated throughout every part of your body. your head felt cramped but you could see that the reason you had not fallen was because of your seatbelt and the steering wheel in front of you. you didn’t even know where or why you were driving in the middle of the night. you began to panic, feeling your heart rate increase when you turned to your right and saw spencer against the seat next to you, out cold. 

you broke into sobs, your heart shattering over and over when you called his name and he wouldn’t answer. there was a lot more blood on his face and glass had fallen from the window onto his side of the car. he looked so limp it was terrifying. the only thing supporting his body was the seatbelt. .his side of the car was totally dented inwards. 

_ this was all my fault  _ you thought to yourself. you were clearly the one driving, and now he was injured and it was all your fault. you didn’t want to even think that he could be dead, you were definitely panicking but the thought of his life being over was nearly inconceivable. 

you went to move your right arm to reach for him but your shoulder hurt like a bitch, it was your bad one and it could barely move. you could use your elbow movement but there was no way you could make that reach. you use your left hand and shakily try to unbuckle your seatbelt. trying to take deep breaths in between sobs. you struggle a bit but luckily it wasn’t jammed and you could push it off your body. you lean over with all your weight on your right leg because something was wrong with your left but you couldn’t pay attention to it right now. you used your left hand to try and unbuckle his seatbelt so that maybe you could drag his body out of here and get help but it was stuck. something in it broke and you couldn’t get in the right position to figure it out. you began to feel so helpless but you didn’t give up. you just kept pressing and pressing it. crying and panting for him to wake up, just so you could be sure he could be okay, apologizing profusely for what you had done though you knew it would never be enough. 

you checked your console and a bunch of miscellaneous items fell out but you were right, you had scissors in here. you didn’t know how long it took but you just kept cutting away at the leather on the belt until it gave, which it fortunately did. you twisted your body so that you were stomach face down and your feet faced the front car window. you used all the force you had in you right leg and kicked the already partially cracked window. the glass shattered behind you and you wrapped your arms around spencer’s limp body to try and extract the both of you from the car. you didn’t know how you mustered the strength, maybe it was the adrenaline but you were able to tug him out of the seat. you had a half a right mind to know that you needed to keep his back straight as much as you could because you had no idea what spinal injuries might have occurred. your body made a three-legged crawl through the car window, dragging along the broken glass, giving yourself many surface level wounds but you barely felt it. you were in pain with every move you made but you were able to finally drag him back onto the road. it looked like you guys were on a freeway and you had his body laid flat on the gravel road. 

you didn’t even notice it was raining until you saw his hair and clothes get soaked, your whole body was wet too. “come on baby, wake up please.” you pleaded with him endlessly over and over. you lifted his eyelids to try and get some read if there was any head trauma. It was so hard in the dark, the only light came from your headlights. from what you could tell, it didn’t look good. you’re still freaking out about the fact you didn’t even know where or what bastard caused you to swerve. something happened with the rain made it worse and you probably lost control. you reach into your pockets to take your phone out and call 911 because no one was going to be around for a while. you suddenly were aware that you were in your sleep clothes, his sweater that you started wearing to bed and sweatpants. you saw your cell had totally destroyed in the accident beyond repair. 

“shit- spencer, what am i going to do- just hang on for me.” you put your two fingers on his pulse point, it was still there and very faint. you thanked the universe he was still alive. you dug into his pant pockets and that’s when you suddenly noticed the blood that was quickly pooling in the bottom of his soaked shirt. you hastily lift it up and see a jagged piece of glass is stuck in his lower stomach. your movements are awkward, so much blood is coming out, along with the heavy spring rain. now your hands are covered with your boyfriend's blood and it makes your stomach churn. you grabbed the glass with slippery hands, biting on the inside of your cheek harshly as you pulled it out. it took some force but the sight was gruesome, it was like you could feel it in your abdomen as well. you kept repeating soothing phrases to yourself and him- you couldn’t tell to be honest- taking off the sweater and wrapping around his waist and applying pressure to the wound. you were left in your white tank top that was now drenched and you began to shiver from the cold. you dug into his pockets and pulled out his phone that was thankfully salvageable. 

it took you a minute to figure it out and there was a bad signal but you were able to get a hold on 911. The operator answers but you practically speak over. “i was in a car accident, i have an FBI agent with me and he’s unconscious. trauma to the head and he has a deep wound and- and there’s so much blood.” you keep your hand pressed into his stomach and you start choking on your words at the end. “ma’am where are you?” 

“i don’t - fuck- i don’t know, a freeway? i-i can’t remember but i think i swerved and lost control because of the rain?” you continue to stare at spencer’s face, noticing how oddly peaceful he looks, but it’s scary littered with cuts and new bruises. 

she asks you if there is any sign of where you are and you have to stop yourself from cursing her out, you’re not upset with her but right now there is a lot of aggression building up. you take your eyes off of him and look around, you recognize this road, as fucked up as your memory is right now. 

“somewhere on the 28 freeway?” sounds more like a question but the dispatcher needed it to narrow down your location. they tell you to stay on the phone and continue to try and calm you down. doesn’t really work but the couch you through checking him for any hidden injuries while you wait. soon enough, you heard the way too familiar sound of sirens. you placed a few kisses on his cheek and button nose, well it was more like you were sobbing into his skin. you could taste the rain, your tears and his blood but you didn’t care.

the next few minutes were kind of a blur, maybe you were beginning to disconnect from reality, the site was too much to bear. one minute you were being pulled from your boyfriend’s body that you for some illogical reason you clung so hard to. you had forgotten that you were injured too. the next you were watching him being pulled up onto a stretcher and put into a seperate ambulance from yours. 

you were somewhat aware of the terms that they were throwing around as they drive to the trauma ward. you were not so cooperative, repeating over and over that you were fine and you just wanted to see spencer. you even brought up your job which you hated doing. they told you that you were in shock and something about the nerves in your leg, how that could indicate spinal chord damage. to be honest, you really didn't care, you just didn't know how you’d recover from hurting the person you loved so dearly. 

every touch he gave you over the past few years, all the times you guys would just go back and forth staying at each other's places after cases. the way you guys were there for each other. the way he read you books, or how he would overhear you talking to your brother sometimes and you’d mention something you liked, he would do his best to do it for you. how on the first valentines day you guys had, you made him two heart shaped peanut butter sandwiches and he loved them so much that you started making them every morning after, if you guys were at home. how you spent that one christmas eve you guys didn't have a case sitting by a small fake christmas tree and exchanged presents. you had gotten him a reading device, a nook, he was hesitant about it. you thought it was funny how he despised the idea of an electric mobile book. you got him one so that he wouldn't have to buy a whole other shelf, now he had everything that he wanted to read at his fingertips and he was constantly spending his free time on it. 

he was always there, even about two years ago when your mental health took a total plummet and you relapsed on painkillers. you thought that he would leave you after that, or at least you thought you deserved to be left. he made you go to NA meetings after you started to get clean again and you almost left him. just because it would be so easy to give up on yourself, give up on having someone special because love was not easy. even with the excuse of not dating during, recovery he didn't stop being there, because he was stubborn and couldn't not be in love with you. sometimes you’d recognize him treating you the same way. when the team was chasing a serial killer who had come back after years of inactivity, you found out that spencer’s mentor, jason gideon, was shot dead. that was a last straw for spencer, he kept saying everyone he loves either leaves or dies. you tried to get him to open up about his relationship with jason-which was clearly a somewhat father-son dynamic- he wouldn't. he didn't even go to the funeral. when you tried to convince him otherwise he broke down. saying things like ‘i know you’re going to leave me ao you might as well do it now’. he honestly really hurt you at first but you knew he was lashing out. you weren't going to leave him like that. he said some terrible things to you but you knew it wasn't true. he was so angry and he projected onto you, a lot, but you just waited until he was crying in your arms. 

so there was no way that this was over. there was no way your life with him would end with a fucking car crash. 

your train of thought was interrupted by one of the emt’s asking you your name and some questions. you were able to answer those but when you couldn't answer if you knew what you were doing on the road, she yelled something. you were finally at a hospital and as they got you onto a different cot to get you into the building, you started to sputter and vomit up blood. they had to immediately sit you up right so you don't choke. you felt so incredibly faint. your ears were ringing and the doctor kept trying to grab your attention as your eyes began to shut. they put the oxygen mask on you but you really didn't want it. you just kept whispering spencer’s name over and over until you were unconscious. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyy sorry about the cliffhanger lol


End file.
